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Does It Ever Get Better


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I hear people saying that the pain eventually decreases. When!! It has been 5 months since I lost my husband, by true love, my best friend. The pain only seems to get worse. I never want to get up in the morning, cry all the way to work and all the way home. Getting out in the evening doesn't help - I only cry then also. I now feel as if I am a huge hinderance to my friends and now don't even want to attempt to go out at all. I just want to be able to breathe again, if just for a little while. I know you have probably all heard this before. But it is difficult to understand why some people are able to push though this so much quicker. Is my faith that small? Was does this hurt so bad if we trust in God? If my husband is with our Savior why shouldn't I be happy instead of so sad all the time?

To many questions and no answers I may understand in this lifetime. It does make it difficult to get through each day though.

Thanks for listening.

jcknjl

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jcknjl,

It is different for everyone. I know for me it has gotten a little easier but then again you are further along than me. I am a little over 3 months. I miss my husband very much but I guess I just told myself I can sit here feeling miserable or I can do what Jay wouldve wanted me to do and try to carry on. It is very difficult and I have my days where I wont leave my house and cry all day but they have gotten less frequent. My problem now is I feel I am a begger begging for people to be around. I at times feel like a burden. Well enough about me I think it will get easier for you but everyone grieves differently. I have heard of people years out that still have a very difficult time. Take your time and be patient you will be able to breath again. Take care of yourself

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I'm almost eleven months into this and I don't know if I can tell you that it gets better. Our experiences will all be different depending on the relationships we had. I can tell you it does change but I am still struggling. If you can, try to share your feelings with people who understand. It seems for me that when I can get some feelings out with those who can listen, I do come away feeling alittle better for awhile. Grief just takes time. How much, I don't know. As for God, I haven't been able to go there since losing Larry. I don't understand that part anymore, he just wasn't listening to my prayers. Take care of yourself and be patient. Deborah

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Dear Jcknjl,

I believe mourning is very personal and different for everyone. I still cry and wish for my husband back every day. It hurts so bad and I miss him so much.

I learned from my grandmother a prayer to St Theresa, when something is very important to you, to pray for the sign of a rose. When Doug died, a little over two months ago, I prayed to St Theresa. I asked that if Doug is happy in heaven with his father please send me the sign of a rose. Two or Three days after his death, my daughter and I went to the florist to order flowers for Doug's memorial service. I chose what I wanted and paid for my selection. When the cashier came back to give me my receipt, she asked me to wait a minute. She went over to the cooler and took out two red roses and gave them to my daughter and I. I began to cry and told her she would never know how much these roses meant to me. I told her of my prayer. All three of us just cried. I later received a very moving letter from her, in which she mentioned that they do not always give flowers to grieving widow's but she felt so sorry for me because she thought I was so young to have lost my love.

So now I know that Doug is happy in heaven. He is out of pain. No more doctor appointments, no more hospital admission's, no more blood work or iv's until his arms are so black and blue and swollen that the nurses don't know where else to put the needles. Does this make it hurt any less for me, no. Every day I think , if only I could turn down the road and drive to the hospital and go inside and he would be there waiting for me. How selfish is that. To want him back so I feel better, so I don't have to suffer anymore.

I don't even know the point I'm trying to make except maybe that just because we know our loved one is with God, it doesn't take our pain away. We still need to grieve. I read somewhere that the human spirt is strong and we can survive this and live again. In the mean time every day is an eternity of overwhelming sadness and pain.

I can't tell you when it will get better for you but I have faith that it will get better, I hope soon.

TerryB

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Hi there...I am also 11 mths into my grief journey and found it to get harder as the months wore on. I think we are all in such shock even in the event of an imminent death due to illness that it takes a while for us to come out of shock and into grief. I had the hardest time around 7-10 mths and I can't say I miss my husband any less, but my days are getting a little bit easier and I am more likely to have a few better days in a row than a few good minutes here and there. BUT..everyone is different and I would encourage you to do a few things...find a grief counsellor, select a few good friends to really be open about where you are at in your grief daily/weekly/whatever, and pick something to do that you will enjoy and commit to enjoying it while you are doing it.

I wish you luck and send big hugs your way.

Jenn

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First and foremost welcome, as much as I hate to see new faces.

The pain will eventually subside, you've got to give it some time.

God and I are having our little spat as well. No doubt he'll win.

Anyway I'm the quiet one, they once let me reside in the corner, then I was adorned to the closet.

I entrust my heart to these people, they're kind, and have always treated me well. I hope that you find the same experience.

If it's any consolation...I wore sunglasses the first year.

It may seem or appear that people get over this more quickly than others, which isn't the case. Some hide it better...they hurt as well.

Hope that you accept my recognition of your loss.

Gently, truly, William.

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jcknjl,

I am sorry you are going through your loss.

William said it well when he said that it may appear that some get over it better than others but they don't they just hide it well. Some say it gets better and I think that it does, but not for quite some time, and even then, it doesn't go away, it merely changes form...instead of the ever residing intense pain, you are left with the dull hollow ache accompanied by the intense "grief bursts" of pain...I remember at first wanting to drive my car into a tree 90 miles per hour. I don't feel like that anymore so I guess in that sense you could say I'm doing better. I worked very hard at this thing called grieving...I worked hard to express myself, to let the pain surface and come out, to make a concerted effort to be positive and find little joys in life...all that took tremendous effort and sometimes left me feeling exhausted. Sometimes I felt "what's the point?" and just felt depressed. But day after day goes by and somehow we continue to live and survive. I suppose that's called getting better. Is there ever a point where we don't miss them? If there is, I can't imagine it and it's been over 15 months for me. But we do learn, little by little, to adjust to our altered life, and to continue in it. There is so much to work through...the sense that we have lost control of our lives, the pain, the hurt, the feeling abandoned, I always had so much faith and yet when I lost George, I felt like God wasn't listening to me...all of those things I had to work through...and eventually came around to restoration of my trust in Him again. It's the toughest thing you'll ever have to go through, but we want to be here for you. Please keep coming to this site and continue to voice yourself, it will help you tremendously. Good luck on your journey.

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I am sure that the people around me think I am "over it". It has been two years and three months since my husband died. I still miss him every single day. I just don't show it as much.

My sister and his sister are wonderful supports to me, and we acknowledge each other's grief and that it is ongoing. It is not so much that the pain lessens, or goes away, but it changes. It becomes part of your life, part of who you are. I no longer howl in pain every day, but when his birthday, or the anniversary of his death comes around, I still cry a lot. On other days, sometimes for no reason I can see, I will be in the dumps and cry.

I can only say that now I have days where I can be with friends or family and laugh, and not feel guilty, because I know he would be glad. I can finally sometimes enjoy life, and look forward to things. The sadness and ache of his loss with always be with me.

I do still have days where I wonder why I go on, and the world seems gray and empty. But I keep on. I believe he is still in my life, but without a body, and that helps. I talk to him (not in public!) I write letters to him. I believe he hears me. It helps a little.

My therapist says it's classic that you feel the worst at about 5 to 8 months after the passing, because that's when the shock wears off and you are really feeling the loss. Everyone is different, of course. Most of all, don't listen to the people who say you should be "over it" in a month, six months, a year. They don't know what they are talking about, though they probably mean well. It's a long slow road, but you are not alone.

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