Does Anybody Else Feel Guilt, Anger, Resentment Towards Parent's D

[Rayon]

Does Anybody Else Feel Guilt, Anger, Resentment Towards Parent's Dying?

Do you feel guilty about bad things you said to your father/mother before they died? Or things you should have said?

Do you feel anger at other family members for not having treated your loved one right when they were alive??

Do you feel resentment when you see other people happily with both their parents?

My dad died almost 2 months ago & I feel all of the above.....and I don't know if that's right.

[MartyT]

Dear Rayon,

The feelings you describe are neither “right” or “wrong,” because you simply cannot control what you are feeling – you can only control what you do with what you are feeling. As you come to learn more about what is normal in grief, both through your own experience and through your contact with other mourners here in these forums, you will find that you are not alone in your reactions and you are not “wrong” or “bad” for feeling as you do ~ as I’m sure many of our other members will tell you. That’s one of the benefits of participating in these forums.

In the meantime, you may find some of these earlier posts helpful:

How Do You Handle Guilt?

Heartbroken

Suddenly All Alone

[STARKISS]

Hi Rayon,

I lost my mom while on vacation in Las Vegas, and when she died all I remember thinking why did mom die and not me.. I said this because Las Vegas was mom's favorite place in the world... She should have been able to enjoy it more than she got too. And if someone had to die it should be me because I did not like it as much as she did... When my dad died four months later I remember thinking the same thing with him except it being going camping which he really enjoyed... We had just bought a new camper in June and were going to enjoy camping again and than he got sick and died in August... I did not like to camp as much as he did and I think he should have atleast been able to enjoy the camper he bought... I hope this helps you and I will keep you in my prayers.... You can email me if you just want to talk more Take care Shelley

[Rayon]

MartyT,

Thank you very much for your valuable advice and earlier posts. Anything helps at his moment.

Starkiss,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I will certainly e-mail you.

[lorikelly]

I feel everything you said and more. sometimes it just overwhelms me and i beat myself up about it. i am having a very hard time this week, it was 3 mos last week for my mom and i feel awful. i feel so agitated and just want to scream. i read a post from John (i believe that is the person) and he had wrote a letter to his partner . i read it and it hit home. i decieded to write one to my mom, i am not sure it has helped yet but i put all the positive and negative things in the letter. my positive were much more so i will reread the letter everyday until i can get it in my head and heart. i wish you peace and i pray that for all us this journey will get easier. lori

[daddyslilgirl]

I know exactly what you are saying...I'm not angry or having feelings of guilt or resentment towards my dad. I just miss him so terribly. But I do feel anger and resentment towards other family memebers. I'm angry at my mom, at my siblings, and a so called best friend. I resentent them for being so self centered that they can't see I hurt just as bad. That they can't see that I can only take so many of thier problems onto my shoulders before I collapse..That I need someone to talk to also. That I think it was to soon for my mom to get remarried. I have tried to write letters to everyone, though none will ever get them, but I can't. I hate to hear anyone say "oh my Dad did the funnest thing today" or something of the such...My son said a few days ago "I know Mom, stop nagging me about it" and I came back nicely, "I sure wish I had my Dad here to nag me" He just looked at me and apologized.. So Ya Sweetie, you are not alone..None of us here are. I know the world sometimes feels like it has fallen down on us and there couldn't be anyone out there who knows what we feel, but there is and We do...If you ever need to talk....Any of you...I'm a great listener...

[Rayon]

Lorikelly,

I understand your feelings of being overwhelmed, sometimes I want to pull my hair in frustration over things I should have told my dad, like "I love you dad", but I didn't. Now I'll never get that chance again.

But we're all here for each other. Most of us are feeling the same raw pain and a void that can't be filled. And I'm so sorry about your mom.

Thank you daddyslilgirl,

You sure are a great listener. And yes I know how some friends can be at wanting you to "be strong and move on". And yes, I also wish I had my dad here to nag me too. I feel guilty because I used to get so irritated with him at times, I'll admit I had my faults, and wasn't the greatest of daughters when I was younger. But unfortunately sometimes we think we're going to have our parent's forever, and don't always appreciate them until their gone. I'll be back later...I gotta go cry now.

Edited October 13, 2006 by Rayon

[Taika]

Does Anybody Else Feel Guilt, Anger, Resentment Towards Parent's Dying?

Do you feel guilty about bad things you said to your father/mother before they died? Or things you should have said?

Do you feel anger at other family members for not having treated your loved one right when they were alive??

Do you feel resentment when you see other people happily with both their parents?

My dad died almost 2 months ago & I feel all of the above.....and I don't know if that's right.

I have felt all those things, but I know that everyone has their own journey to take and that is their stuff. My sister knew my father was dying and never came to see him because she did not like my mom. He died on her birthday. My mom was sick in the hospital and she came because I told her she only had a couple days to live, my sister did not believe it and came to see for herself. My mom died an hour later 5 minutes before my sister walked thru the door. I know the grief that I have and I cannot imagine what she is going through. I send her my prayers and love.

[magdalyn]

Rayon,

Hello. My answer is yes to all of the above. I was supposed to go see my dad one year ago on Thanksgiving while I was in his part of the country. I didn't end up going because it was "too out of the way". Little did I know the next time I would see him was in a hospital bed dying. I can't take back that decision, but i sure have been beating myself up about it. But with him it was always "one way". Either I went to see him, or I called him, or I wrote him. For the last ten years or so, he never wrote back, called back,etc. So after awhile I just gave up on him. But now I have figured out that was because of his horrible disease of Alcoholism, which he eventually killed himself with. Some things you just can't undo. But I will always love him, and I feel so bad about not visiting him last year. Just so know, there IS someone else out there like you in regards to your relationship with your dad.

Magdalyn

[collis]

Rayon,

Hello. My answer is yes to all of the above. I was supposed to go see my dad one year ago on Thanksgiving while I was in his part of the country. I didn't end up going because it was "too out of the way". Little did I know the next time I would see him was in a hospital bed dying. I can't take back that decision, but i sure have been beating myself up about it. But with him it was always "one way". Either I went to see him, or I called him, or I wrote him. For the last ten years or so, he never wrote back, called back,etc. So after awhile I just gave up on him. But now I have figured out that was because of his horrible disease of Alcoholism, which he eventually killed himself with. Some things you just can't undo. But I will always love him, and I feel so bad about not visiting him last year. Just so know, there IS someone else out there like you in regards to your relationship with your dad.

Magdalyn

Hi Magdalyn

I know exactly how you feel. You're right ,some things you can't undo. My father was diagnosed with cancer and spent his last five months with my brother (800kms) away. I did see him in that time but did not go enough. I was not there for him! I spent the last few days with him when he was unconcious. I should've been there earlier... I only had one hour to speak to him before he went unconcious and now I can't forgive myself for it! It has caused me to be depressed and angry with myself and the worst thing is that it cannot be put right, forever!!

What does one do to forgive yourself? I understand where you're coming from, precisely. My dad also was an alcholic but was a dear, gentle soul and now he's gone! Perhaps time will heal, I don't know. Perhaps one must be kinder to other people, older people that need help? Spend time with old people.

Regards

Collis