I Feel Helpless Tonight...

[gabrielle_land]

Tonight I feel so helpless, tonight all I want to do is cry and cry and just dwell in this pain, I feel I can't keep on pretending anymore to be strong, I dont want to be strong anymore, it's hurting so much I just dont want to do anything..still by now I can't accept the facts. I feel as if in any moment I'll go crazy. My life stopped in June 23 when his beautiful eyes closed, my dear Chris, he took with him all my happiness and my desires to keep on with everything here, I need him so much, I still have so much love to give him, I'm so in love with him, all I want is to be with him. Just months ago I was so happy and now I'm living a nightmare that has no end.

When going to bed as I'm falling asleep I watch the pictures of him I carry in my mobile, I cry mostly when looking at them, I talk to him, I even kiss him...he still looks so alive to me..

Wednesday it's his Birthday, he would be 31, and this is just another painful day I'll have to go through. I was so afraid for October to come, oct. the first was terrible, I cried all day and night, I just wanted to stop time, and today it hits me again. Its silly to think time could stop somehow but I just wish it could desperately, I want to remember his last birthday as it was, and not like this, knowing he's not here anymore. I love him so much.. I know you all understand me.. this is one of those days in which the grief is just bigger than me.

[STARKISS]

Hi Gabrielle_land,

I think that the people who tell you that you have to be brave need to be in your footsteps.. I was told that when my mom died last year in April and so I did as I was told... It was extremely hard but for the most part I did do it... After my dad died in August of last year I was also told to be brave but I realized a few months later that I could not do it anymore... So here I am a year later after both their deaths and I have started to cry for them... SO try not to be so hard on yourself if you need to... Cry.... Take care Shelley

[kellymarie]

Gabrielle, Your sadness and feelings of helplessness make me want to reach across and give you a huge hug. This grief thing is just so hard going. I think you should just let yourself cry. And you never have to stop loving your Christopher. You can just keep giving all that love you have to him and he still loves you. I believe your relationship goes on, though very different. It is very hard to live through this year's birthdays, holidays, etc. and remember what we were doing with our loved one last year. It used to drive me completely crazy that one year ago I would have NEVER imagined how I would be living through this nightmare this year. It sounds so empty and hollow at such a dark time for you but somehow we do survive our nightmare. And sometimes the only way we can survive is just to let ourselves cry and feel awful. But we are here with you, sending you hugs and company along this painful path. Kelly

[Roswell]

Of course we understand you, you're having a bad day. What you feel is perfectly natural. If you want to mourn Chris's loss

that too is acceptable. There's no time limit on mourning and grieving...it's not a race.

Being strong doesn't mean that your're not entitled to a "bad" day.

Nearing my two year mark, a little stronger everyday.

May you find peace and comfort here.

Warmest of regards and best wishes!

William

[chrissy777]

Gabrielle,

I am sorry you are having a bad month. I hope things can get easier for you and for all of us. I hear things get better with time. Well if thats the case I either want to turn back time and be with Jason again or push fast forward to the time where it gets easier. I hate the nighttime. Going to bed alone and pictureing him lying next to me. Then the only vision I get after that is him lying in the hospital bed dead. I hope someday I can get a different vision in my head. I know we all have bad days but you feel like no one else can possibly be feeling this way and if there is someone else out there that does it is such a cruel world. Well take care and take time.

[Blackie]

It's been six months since my husband of 32 years died. The pain does not get better and I still want to die. But I get through every day somehow. For almost 4 months I only saw shades of gray and brown. I literally could not see color. Then one evening I noticed a brilliant orange sunset. It only lasted a few minutes but I thought about it constantly until I could see the green of foliage and grass. I still have days when every thing is either gray or brown. The pain, the loneliess, the fear are with me constantly but I have learned to see color again. I too am hoping for that magical time when my beautiful memories bring me joy instead of searing despair. Hang in there. Somehow we'll all get through it. Don't worry about crying, we'll cry together.

[KarenH]

Gabrielle,

You are ceratinly not alone. I had a night like that Friday, cried and cried. It does get easier eventually (10 mos. for me) but that does not mean that we suddenly "get over it." I went to a dinner party, just couples and me...couldn't take it when I got home, paul just should have been there. I cried till 2am and again when I woke up. Problem is, time doesn't stop, but we can stop and feel what we need to feel whenever it's necessary. Milestones sure do bring on those feelings. My son's first birthday without his dad today, next weekend my first anniversary without Paul, and then the holidays. UHGGGGGG! I'm so sorry for you, for me, for all of us here.

KarenH

[Jamie]

Gabrielle,

My heart breaks for you. I lost my husband Herman 11 months ago on Oct 13th and I am a mess. I totally understand when you say that this grief is bigger than me,,,,,it is for me too. I also feel exactly as you do...I am so tired of pretending to be stong, wearing a mask so everyone else feels better, even our own children won't talk to me about their dad or say their dad's name and it tears me apart.

I am so sorry that you can't hold Chris...I ache also to hold Herman. I sleep with his picture...when I can sleep and I still cannot sleep in our bed...I sleep on the couch.

How I wish I could be there to hold you....because I know how desperately we all ache to hold our loved ones. My birthday is on the 24th of this month...the first one without Herman since I was 14 years old and I don't want it to come.

Yesterday was the day he started the strange seizures and today is the day we went to the hospital and all ***** broke loose and I am alone.

Gabrielle, I am so sorry for rambling about myself when I was meaning to try and be there for you.

I hope that you can feel my embrace trying to let you know that I understand and I also understand that it is not my embrace you need....you need Chris's embrace.

Much Love,

Jamie

[kayc]

Gabrielle,

You don't have to be brave, let your feelings out, give place to them, they matter and you have reason for them! Birthdays and other milestones are hard...this Thursday would be our five year anniversary had George lived. I just went through another birthday without him. Each and every holiday or event is a reminder of our loss, of their not being here to share in it with us.

[AnnC]

Wow -- my ex-husband died on June 23 also, but in 2004. Although we were divorced because he was gay, we were still loving friends, and I was devastated by his death. I cried daily for two years. It does get a little easier, but you never stop missing them. It seemed impossible for the first year that I would ever feel any better, but most of the time I do feel okay now. I probably cry every other day now.

Be gentle with yourself, and don't stress yourself out with thinking somehow you have to be brave or strong -- people just don't know what to say, so they say things like that. Crying is actually part of the journey, and it helps you get through the grief.

Hugs to you, and come here and talk about how you feel -- we understand, we have felt it too.

Ann