I Lost My Fiancee

[Laurie]

Hi, My name is Laurie and this is my first time here, or for going through anything like this. My fiancee, Sean had Diabetes. He passed away on Oct. 8th, just over a week ago. I have so much guilt and hatred for myself right now for a lot of reasons. We were together for four years, but we had some bad problems a few years back. He tried so hard to get my forgiveness and to get our relationship back to the way it was before. But I was so stubborn, angry, hurt, bitter, jealous etc. to let my guard down again. He always said he wanted my forgivness and my trust and I always said, "I can't." It breaks my heart to know that he died not knowing how much I love him. We had gotten engaged shortly before our problems, but I took my ring off. He always asked me to put it back on, but I never would. How could I be so mean and hurtful? I put it back on after he died, that day.

That's just the beginning of my guilt though. Like I said he had Diabetes. He was very careless with it and was hospitalized about six times with Pancreatitis. Each time, he'd swear to eat better, take better care of himself etc. But he wouldn't keep it up very good. I helped with his diet by buying him the right foods and stuff, but he'd eat a lot of things he shouldn't have. I have so much guilt that I didn't keep after him more. I should have made sure he took his medicine, but I didn't.

It got to the point where I'd get mad at him for winding back in the hospital again.

Last week, he said his stomach hurt and instead of comforting him or asking if he had been taking his medicine, I snapped at him, "Of course it hurts because you don't take care of yourself." We went to bed, and the next morning I woke up to a note on the table saying, "I'm at the hospital, I'm sorry I'm such a disapointment, I love you." So I just sighed like, well here we go again, same old thing. I took my time getting there. He was glad to see me but was in pain. He was throwing up in the bathroom, got back in the bed and told me it hurt so bad. He said it felt like his spleen had burst or something. I found the nurse and she came down, gave him a pill and said "It's Pancreatitis again, we all know you here now, stop worrying your girlfriend." He took his pill, and fell right to sleep. The nurse told me he had been resting comfortably before I got there. I sat for a few minutes while he slept, but then I went home thinking I'd go back the next day. It didn't occur to me that he wasn't on a monitor like the other times.

I got a call during the night that the nurse had checked on him at 1am and he was sleeping, when she went back at 3am he was dead and they couldn't revive him. The doctor said she 80% sure it was a heart attack or his pancreas could have exploded.

I just can't beleive he's gone. I want so much to be able to tell him I forgive him, I love him. I want another chance to take better care of him. I am the one who's a disapointment. I'll never forgive myself for failing him. I know what people mean now when they say you can die of a broken heart. I have three young boys to take care of, and a mortgage I can't pay on my own. I don't feel like I can get through this. It hurts so bad and worst of all it didn't have to happen, if I had taken better care of him he might be here right now. I love and miss him so much.

[JennO]

Laurie

I have so much to say to your post...I was in a different situation, but behavior was similar. My husband died one year and one day ago, leaving me with our three week old son. he was a hemophiliac and was dependent on medications to stop him from his bleeds. But, as a result of many years of bleeding into his joints, he suffered from arthritis at the ripe old age of 36 and was dependent on pain meds. This is where our similarities begin. Jeff didn't take his meds like he should and often didn't treat his bleeds as soon as he should have, so we ended up in the hospital many many times to take of a bleed gone too far. I learned after a few years that there was nothing I could have done to stop him.....I encouraged, I cried, I begged, I created the best situations for him to be comfortable, I made the most comfortable hospital bed ever (it is amazing what you can do with a few more sheets), I yelled, I screamed, I swore I should have never married him. In the end, nothing worked. He took his meds incorrectly and accidentally overdosed for me to find him on our bathroom floor with our infant in my arms.

Funny enough....I have never been that mad at him. I knew almost immediately through my grief that he was free. Free from the pain his illness caused him and free from the pain he felt knowing how it affected me.

You loved him the best you could under the circumstances and he was lucky to have you.

Take it easy and visit us often...

Jenn

[kayc]

Oh dear Laurie,

I want to welcome you to this site but I am so sorry you need it...I am very sorry you lost your Love to diabetes. My George had diabetes too so I can well understand everything you have written. Please understand, however, that he was a grownup and he was responsible for his own choices, not you. He probably just never really connected the real ramifications with his choices, if he had, he'd have most likely made different ones. My George died of a heart attack...he'd been telling the doctor about his symptoms and he hadn't been sent for testing...I told him to try a different doctor but he didn't, he put it off. I could easily beat myself up for not urging stronger and nagging, but really, it was his choice, not mine and he didn't realize...neither did I...the lasting affects it would have. It's so much easier to make decisions when we can look back, but we are just like everyone else, we make choices and decisions on what we know at the time.

You are feeling guilty for not showing him more grace...yet don't you think he KNEW that you loved him? He wouldn't have even tried if he hadn't have known it already. We are people, we make mistakes, but we not only need to extend grace to each other, but to ourselves too. You have so much to deal with right now, you don't need to add false guilt to the list. Guilt has a purpose, and that purpose is to point out something that needs changing...once it has been addressed and dealt with, anything that comes our way after that is shame or false guilt and only serves to hold us down...which helps no one. Please reject false guilt when it comes your way and tell it that it is already dealt with!

I am sorry you are suffering financial problems on top of everything else...so am I...my husband died last year and then this year I lost my job, so not only did my income get cut in half when he died, but my income is now reduced to unemployment which will soon run out, and I too am scared about losing my home.

You find plenty of company here...please keep coming to this site and airing your feelings, you will go through a whole gamut of them. We are a very supportive group and seek to encourage each other and listen to each other when it seems the rest of the world has gone away. God be with you in this journey.

[Laurie]

Jenn and KayC, Thank you so much for writing and for understanding. I'm so glad I found this site. Laurie

[spunkye]

Dear Laurie,

I feel so sorry for you - for the loss of your fiancee...and the guilt you're feeling - I know - is excruciating!!

My husband, Dick, died August 24 - it was a combination of stroke, heart attack and emphazema (I know that's not the correct spelling) - and he was a smoker - wouldn't quit.

One of the things I regret is that I didn't "try" harder to get him to quit smoking - "maybe if I'd have threatened to leave him, unless he quit", maybe if I got madder at him", maybe if I really did leave him and wouldn't come back until he quit", etc, etc, etc!!!!....the truth of the matter is I did what I could do and then the rest was up to him. He chose to stay in denial about the seriousness of his smoking - I believe that is what really killed him. He was a very sick man because of it., but he was an adult man - as was your fiancee.

We can only do so much, and then it's up to the person to do what is healthy and right for them.

Dick hadn't been feeling well for about a year or more before he died - he was just getting progressively worse - and I can't even count the number of times I was impatient, annoyed, and just plain fed up...and I didn't hide it many, many times. I'm very sorry I did that - but as I just read from someone elses post, we are HUMAN - and sometimes we make poor choices and do hurtful things, even though our hearts might be in the right place. Sometimes we feel we have to protect ourselves, and especially if we've been very hurt.

I don't think you did anything more "hurtful" than any of us have done at one time or another with our loved one. If I could do it over again, I would do it 'better' - but would I?...I'm still my flawed self, trying to do the best I can.

I think you can tell him *now* you're sorry - and ask for his forgiveness...I've done that with my husband. I also told God I was sorry and asked for His forgivenss...the one that still holds unforgiveness for me is ME...so I have to keep asking myself for forgiveness and asking God to help me learn from this and to be a better person and grow from this experience. In my heart I know Dick is fine and feeling fine and is not angry or hurt or upset with me in any way, shape or manner. I think what *he's* thinking about are the good and loving and fun times we had together.

I believe that no matter what we had done, if it was their time to go, it was their time to go. I don't think I'm really powerful enough to have MADE Dick live longer than he did.

Don't get me wrong - I loved him to pieces...he was my friend, companion and playmate - in addition to being my husband. If I could have him back, I would...I would try harder to be kinder, more loving and expressive of that love...but that's not how it turned out.

Try to believe, along with me, that you gave him the best you could or he would not have stuck around...go easy on yourself - guilt is certainly one of the offshoots of grief...all the "if-only's"...be gentle with you!!

Love, Benita

[Laurie]

Dear Spunkye, Thank you. I want so much to believe our loved ones are in a better place and that they know our feelings for them. I go through these fantasies in my head where I have another chance, where it was a close call but they were able to save him. But it gave me enough of a scare and a wakeup to tell him how much I love him and that I trust him again and that, yes I will marry him, and I just know how happy he would've been. But then I remember and I know that I'll never get the chance to tell him these things. I do talk to him now, but it feels like it's more for me-- doing that. I know some people believe they can hear us, that they know. Last night I sat on our bed and told him, if you can feel how much I love and miss you, turn that lamp on... of course it didn't come on. I didn't really expect it to but I'm just so freaked out now.

I doubt that I'm the only one here who hates the night time. As soon as it starts to get dark, I get very very scared. I have never before been afraid to be home alone. I keep all the lights on all night, and wander around the rooms. When the sun starts to rise, I lie down and sleep for an hour or two. I've tried going to bed with the tv on but I can't close my eyes. I think that besides being so upset, I am terrified of death. I don't think I'm afraid of dying, myself. But just going through the funeral and seeing him like that, it scares me so much.

[LarrysGirl]

Laurie, as you can see from the responses alot of us have been thru very similar times. My Larry was on alot of medicine and was ill for a very long time. He would get tired of taking it and wouldn't cooperate. I know I would get frustrated and get angry at him for not trying harder. He knew I was trying to keep him going until he would get the long awaited transplant. We just didn't know that after waiting over four years, he would never get the transplant and then die. I know you are scared right now. Its alot to try to deal with on your own. Your reality has changed and we all understand. I hope it helps for you to know that all of us understand and may be going through the exact same feelings and fears. Hang in there and keep writing. We all care. Deborah

[Laurie]

Thank You Deborah,

I'm still trying to get the hang of sending posts on this site. It's a little tricky. It does help that everyone here and my friends and family are being so supportive. It seems like every few minutes it really hits me, and all I can do is put my head down and shake my head back and forth at how unbelievable this still is to me. It just doesn't seem real yet. Of course it's only been a little over a week. I read before, I forget now who posted about changing the sheets and I can totally understand that. I haven't changed those sheets and I don't want to. I hold his pillows and his shirt that he wore on the last day, and I can still smell his scent a little bit. I look at and kiss his pictures. His voice is the recording on my answering machine, and I can't imagine changing it. This just doesn't feel real to me, I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and he'll be there. Laurie[attachmentid=64]

[lorikelly]

Dear Laurie

I didn't lose a spouse but my mom in july. i can relate to the guilt feelings. i to could of done things differently and i beat myself up every day. i am my own worst enemy. i go through all the what ifs, should ofs everyday, i think i spend more energy on that then anything else. i say each day i am going to stop some days better then others. keep trying .

i can relate to the lamp sometimes i tell my mom if you can hear me turn the light off, sounds crazy but i do it. i talk to her everyday and have to believe she hears me. if i didn't believe i would of cracked up. keep believing. look for little signs from them

i also sleep on the pillow my mom died on, i have not taken the pillow case off in 3 mos. i just can't. i will have to wash it or maybe i wont wash it just put it away and put a new one one.

i am so sorry for your pain, i wish none of us had to go on this journey. pls keep coming here, these people are the BEST. they have helped me more times then i can say. lori