Complicated Grief Disorder

[Andy]

I'm looking for people who, like me, have grieved much longer than what seems "normal". Could we have "complicated grief disorder"? (I have attached a part of a document which describes the disorder, a condition which has not yet been fully recognized by the psychiatric community.)

Complicated_Grief.doc

[lorikelly]

The document does not say how long a person has been grief. what do they think is the "correct" amt of time or is it no related to time but how intense your emotions are. i am on in the 3 mos period and i say my grief is intense and from what i read/heard the first yr or two can be like this. so i am not sure what the complicated grief disorder really is. lori

[Andy]

I think that you are not yet into the period where people start to look at you funny and whisper to each other, "Why doesn't she just get over it?" The Complicated Grief doctors are looking at the period from 18 months to two years and thinking, "This person must have a disorder. That's the only way I can explain her behavior."

Are you old enough to have heard the song, "Mr. Bojangles", who still grieves 20 years after his dog died? I'm beginning to know how he felt, as it has been just over 17 years since my wife threw me out of the house.

I recently signed up for a church group for those suffering from grief. I was turned down because it was considered that my suffering could not possibly be as intense as that experienced by people with family members who died. People just don't grieve as long as I have unless they have a serious mental disorder, Right?

[STARKISS]

Hi Andy,

It has been 18 months since I lost my mom but I also lost my dad 14 months ago as well... So I really do not know if it has been too long for me or not... I am not really missing them as much as I first did... But I really do not know if I am normal or not... Take care Shelley

[Andy]

It seems to me that it's very normal to grieve for one's parents 18 months after they're gone. And it seems normal to miss them less and less now. If you find yourself TEN YEARS from now still missing them and feeling that your grief is holding you back in your life, THEN I would think that you might have a disorder. Do you know anyone like that?

[shell]

Andy,

This is a very complicated area. They say there is no timetable to grieving, but I know what you mean about ten or more years down the road and it still affecting your life, that maybe that is not "normal". I would wonder if there isn't some other issue for that person that they never resolved and they are thinking it is "grief" when it is really something else. Does that make sense? I know the loss of anyone you love (not just by death but by any means) can affect your whole life, but it seems there might be more baggage there than just the grief.

Hugs to you,

Shell

[Andy]

This is a very complicated area. ...it seems there might be more baggage there than just the grief.

Yes Shell, you are probably right. Perhaps that is the reason they came up with the name "Complicated" Grief. I have been diagnosed with depression. The literature talks about how grief and depression can feed off each other. I can understand that.

I am seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist and have asked both of them what they think of this very new kind of disorder. There is a test you can take for it. I have sent email to one of the researchers who came up with the idea.

In the meantime, I'm still grieving the loss of my wife 17 years ago. It may be worse than some other kinds of grief because in my case, the body is still walking around and occasionally we have contact. We have children, you see, and they are now having children of their own. That makes for more and more contacts and chances to ask, "Why can't we enjoy these children together?".

[MartyT]

Dear Andy,

The topic of your posts is an important one, and it gives me an opportunity to say a few more words about Complicated Grief.

First, however, I want to acknowledge that, as you are well aware, the death of a relationship is just as painful as any other loss, and it’s one that we’ve addressed previously in this forum. See, for example, a thread that appeared in October, 2003, under the topic, "Two Months and I Am Still Weeping." Although the topic was introduced by a man whose divorce had happened just two months prior to his post, you may be interested in what I said to Matt at that time, including the books and online resources I suggested to him, as I think you may find them helpful as well. Just click on this link: Two Months And I Am Still Weeping

You are correct in your observation that there is an effort afoot to place “complicated grief” in the next issue of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatric Disorders (DSM-V), which is the most widely used psychiatric reference in the world. Mental health professionals and researchers are currently working to agree upon specific criteria for identifying and assessing complicated grief – in order to get payment for treatment and funding for research, to identify those at risk, and to distinguish depression from complicated grief.

The concern among many experts and practitioners in the field of grief and bereavement is to what extent this effort to label complicated mourning as a psychiatric disorder “pathologizes” normal grief. Some believe that grief should not be a diagnostic category at all, because that in itself makes it a problem. Experience demonstrates that the distinction between uncomplicated grief and complicated grief is not clear, since most signs and symptoms occur along a continuum from less severe to very severe. Even in papers published in the professional literature, the terms that are used to describe it keep changing (e.g., complicated mourning, abnormal grief, pathologic grief, neurotic grief and traumatic grief) – and everyone agrees that a lot more research in these areas is needed. The condition is not limited to the loss of a person through death, either. People can experience complicated grief following any significant loss: a home, a career, loss through infertility, or loss of a cherished companion animal, for example.

Last October I heard one grief therapist suggest that a better term for complicated grief might be compound grief (as in “compound fracture”). “Temperatures of 99 and 106 are both fevers,” she said, “and the objective is the same: to get the fever down. If we let it run its course, the body will heal itself. The struggle toward rebirth is a necessary part of the process, in order for us to grow. Literally fighting for one’s life is not pathology, not disease – it is health.” She made the point that we human beings are designed to heal naturally – physically, emotionally and spiritually – and grief is a natural process. When it is interfered with, she said, it can become complicated.

So just what is complicated grief? It is the usual and expected grief reactions taken to the extreme – when normal grief reactions become so severe and last so long as to significantly impair one’s functioning in the world: socially, occupationally, and in activities of daily living. It is grief that becomes chronic or prolonged, is delayed or inhibited in some way, or is distorted by other underlying issues or pre-existing conditions. Danger signals include suicidal thoughts and / or plans to act upon such thoughts; self-destructive behaviors; severe mental disorganization; deep feelings of guilt, regrets and low self-esteem; continued irritability or violent outbursts of rage; radical, sudden, shocking changes in lifestyle; and physical symptoms that imitate those of the deceased. Contributing factors include the nature of the loss or death (sudden, violent, multiple, etc.), the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased, the personality and life experiences of the bereaved, and other social issues

Any of our members (and anyone reading the posts in these forums) quickly observes that severe symptoms that persist for many months and even years do not necessarily indicate complicated or pathological grief. Since there is no simple formula for determining when grief becomes complicated (that is, how severe is too severe; how long is too long; and how dysfunctional is too dysfunctional), when in doubt it is always wise to seek an assessment by a qualified mental health practitioner who is familiar with complications of grief and psychiatric disorders.

And in a sense, all grief is complicated, because any significant loss turns our entire life upside down, and we are faced with learning to live in a world forever changed. In the words of clinical psychologist and certified grief specialist J. Shep Jeffreys,

I offer yet another impression of ‘normal’ grief and complicated grief. I approach all grief reactions as a complication in the life of the individual who seeks help with this human phenomenon. We travel life’s roadway and suddenly, around the bend, the bridge is out. A death, a life-threatening diagnosis, accident, layoff notice, or other traumatic change has painfully altered the course of our journey and requires a new way of looking at life. The process of grieving represents a disruption, a need for altering our direction, our plans, and how we identify ourselves in the post-loss / changed world. Normal grief presents many complications and deserves the help of a care provider who is an exquisite witness. People who are grieving deserve care at whatever level their situation requires whether we call it complicated or not. At all times, individual differences must be taken into consideration when determining how we as care providers will serve them.

– J. Shep Jeffreys, Ed.D., C.T., in Helping Grieving People: When Tears Are Not Enough, Brunner-Routledge, © 2005, p. 293.

[Maylissa]

Dear Marty,

Once again, thank you for providing us with such informative discourse on a 'complicated' issue! As always, you are a great resource on grief matters, something I have always appreciated on this board...and the difference is quite telling, as many discussions here are so much more informed than those on other sites. Of particular interest, I noted 2 things from your input:

"The concern among many experts and practitioners in the field of grief and bereavement is to what extent this effort to label complicated mourning as a psychiatric disorder “pathologizes” normal grief. Some believe that grief should not be a diagnostic category at all, because that in itself makes it a problem."

This is something I'm sure most of us have seen...that the grief reaction is often thought of as something 'wrong', at least in the general public's eyes, which stigmatisizes it all the more. From this layperson's perspective, I believe this only adds to the problem of trying to cope with it and would encourage those in the field to adopt the attitude that, just as loss is loss, so grief is grief. Labels are only useful to a certain point, after which they can become a problem in and of themselves. I liken this to the 'modern' view on menopause in women, or aging, each now rather considered a 'disease' in allopathic circles. A very slippery slope. And,

" "Literally fighting for one’s life is not pathology, not disease – it is health.” She made the point that we human beings are designed to heal naturally – physically, emotionally and spiritually – and grief is a natural process. When it is interfered with, she said, it can become complicated."

Whoever said this is very wise, in my opinion, and is obviously a more holistic thinker...which we ALL should be by now, frankly. I see one of these 'interferences' as this attitude about grief being somehow unnatural, especially if it's "complicated". From my own experience, when grief goes on for a long time, it becomes MOST unhelpful to hear that one is 'abnormal', and this only seems to give that grief more power to fester inside, whereas when we are given freer reign to live with it, without being labelled, it can lose some of that power. If one is made to believe that one is somehow a 'diseased' person, that adds fuel to the original fire and the belief in being able to heal is stunted...and in the final analysis, belief is the most powerful force there is. One of the most helpful things I've done on my own path, since many of my griefs have had complicating factors attached, was adopting the common-sense approach of, "Well...DUH-UH...this is more complicated than others' grief, so it's going to take longer &/or more work....that doesn't mean I CAN'T heal, but only that it might take me longer than some others...but there's nothing WRONG with me!" The hardest part is and has always been...trying to convince others that I'm not somehow flawed or weak, just because I'm mourning longer than what they've been led to believe is 'normal', or having a harder time with the process.

So I don't think a matter of funding is a good enough reason to pathologize and possibly further scar (and label) people for life. This might also serve those with complicating factors to go further underground, for fear of the ramifications to our 'mental health record'....and hence complicating our lives all the more!

[Andy]

Hi Marty! Thanks for reviewing this topic. I will go back and read the discussion with Matt and look up the references.

I have begun to question whether my grief is actually a pathology because most everyone I've talked to cannot relate. For example, my current wife has been through divorce twice before, but has no continuing grief whatsoever. But even though I am now "happily" remarried, I yearn for my ex-wife and feel extremely sad about not being able to share experiences with our grandchildren with her.

The first time I remember feeling misunderstood grief was when our family moved. My fourth-grade class was a totally new environment. I cried every day in class. My parents were called in and my teacher was invited over for dinner in an effort to help me relax with her.

When my first (sixth grade) girlfriend moved, I was grief-stricken for at least two years. President Reagan cancelled the weapons program I was working on as an Air Force officer. I fell into depression, was hospitalized and forced into retirement.

I have had many "smaller" episodes which most people don't understand: My baseball home team lost in the playoffs, my pastor suffered a heart attack and became unable to work, my candidate for president withdrew his name (I wrote it in anyway.)

As I grow older I realize that at best I am unusually sensitive, but perhaps I have a personality disorder which could become recognized in DSM-V. I am working with both a psychiatrist and a therapist. The psychiatrist has already told me that he wants nothing to do with an as yet undocumented disorder. I haven't heard from my therapist yet, but perhaps he will be more willing to explore this new explanation with me. I have tried to contact some of the original researchers of complicated grief, asking for help in taking their Inventory of Complicated Grief. No response as of yet.

[Andy]

Thank you, Maylissa, for your very thoughtful reply. I understand your concern about ramifications in our mental health records. I have certainly suffered those ramifications. But I am approaching retirement now. To hell with the ramifications. I would like to be HAPPY once again before I die.

[Maylissa]

Andy,

I'm so sorry you've suffered such anguish over the course of your life. I, too, seem to be prone to depression (although I have a pretty good understanding of the 'why's' of that) and am also a Highly Sensitive Person, or HSP for short. Perhaps this is yet another avenue you might research, as an adjunct to treatment? While I don't think it's considered a bonafide pathology, there is already a book (or 2?) that's been written about it, and I've noticed at least one counselor (here) who has incorporated this theory into his practise, for those who exhibit such signs of 'affliction'.

I also wonder if you've ever looked into a chemical imbalance within your body as well? That could be at least part of the 'culprit'.

I see there is a flip-side to it being officially listed and I would never want to see treatment denied or unavailable for anyone who suffers, in whatever way. My view was only one opinion on the subject and I acknowledge that yours is equally valid. I certainly hope you get some answers back from the researchers and your therapist, and wish you much luck on this.

It's been an uphill battle for me, too, over my lifetime, trying to find that 'secret' to being (and staying) truly happy, at least in good enough measure, or more normal a measure (from what I can glean from others' lives), so I can certainly understand your concern for your own well-being. But for me, no one has ever suggested there's anything pathologically 'wrong' with me...their opinion seems to be that it was mainly a product of my upbringing that did so much damage to my core. I don't know if I should then consider myself 'lucky', or not?

I'll be interested in hearing if you manage to get any more information and guidance on this puzzle, as it may be of benefit to many.

[Andy]

"I dropped a tear in the ocean. The day you find it is the day I will stop missing you."

When she tells me over and over again that she will not seek my tear, should I continue missing her?

[Andy]

So Maylissa, what exactly is an HSP? (I'd look it up, but I think your explanation might be better than any a clinician might give.)

Edited October 21, 2006 by Andy

[Whiteswan]

Andy: My Mom NEVER got over my brother's death (he got killed by a car on his bike when he was 6 , nearly 7 yrs old!) She used to say she never would get over it and she didn't but she learned to live with it. Her final request was to be cremated and buried in his grave which I made sure was fulfilled for her, so I guess these experts would say my Mom had a disorder! I often wonder if some of these "experts" out there have walked in the shoes of the ones that they are labelling. We know Marty has and that is one of the reasons I prefer this site -- she's been there done that so to speak and that is what really makes an expert. Love and hugs.

[Andy]

Hi Whiteswan. How did your mom's grief affect her quality of life? Did she miss out on wonderful activities and experiences because she was preoccupied with your brother's death?

[Whiteswan]

Andy: to answer your question: My Mom always said the ONLY reason she didn't go jump off the bridge and kill herself after my brother's death was because she had 2 other kids who needed her! Did it affect her life? I would say so -ie- she worried about the rest of us getting killed, I was not allowed to ride a bike anywhere near a road (I wasn't even allowed a 2 wheeler bike until I was about 11 yrs old and I had to beg for one to get it and she never let me out of her sight while I was anywhere near it -- it was locked up otherwise), and if one of us was out somewhere and she heard the wailing of an ambulance siren she was a bundle of nerves until we got home! She'd even call us at friends when we got older to see if we were okay if she heard an ambulance siren go by -- so I'd say it affected her for the rest of her life as she was the same about her grandchildren and great grandchildren.

[Maylissa]

Andy,

Okay, HSP is a term coined by the psychologist Elaine Aron ( in San Francisco, but many yrs spent in Canada ), who wrote the book "The Highly Sensitive Person", plus a few more about HSP's. The traits of being an HSP are even found in other species other than humans. I'll have to quote from a local article by Karen Gram, Canwest News Service, to give you an idea of what HSP's are like, as it's fairly extensive to explain in detail.

"Highly Sensitive People make up about 15-20% of the population. They taste more, feel more, notice more, hear more and frequently become overwhelmed by it all....it's that their brains are sorting the information into more subtle distinctions than the average Joe...It's not a perfect description...but it's better than neurotic or introverted or mentially ill or aloof, or other such epithets that they have been branded with over the years...Many HSP's are often unusually creative and productive workers, attentive and thoughtful partners and intellectually gifted individuals...In humans, they tend to be good at group dynamics, noticing subtle cues that others miss and analysing them. They are uncanny lie detectors and refined wine tasters or perfume samplers....As well, they tend to be fearful, disliking fireworks, horror movies and time away from home. And if they have had a troubled childhood, they are much more vulnerable to anxiety and depression."

Some questions to ask yourself are:

-Do you get rattled when you have a lot to do in a short amount of time?

-Do you make a point of avoiding violent movies and TV shows?

-Do you need to withdraw during busy days, into bed or a darkened room or some other place where you can have privacy and relief from the situation?

-Do you make it a high priority to arrange your life to avoid upsetting or overwhelming situations?

-Do you notice or enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds or works of art?

-When you were a child, did your parents or teachers see you as sensitive or shy?

...or being more disturbed than most people by things like sirens, glaring lights, strange odors, clutter and chaos, needing solitude and feeling jangled and overaroused after a day in a mall or museum ( for example ), being instantly aware when walking into a room of the mood, friendships and enmities, freshness or staleness of the air, the personality of the one who arranged the flowers, etc, etc. Basically, HSP's react more than others to all sorts of stimulation and cannot tolerate as much as other people. And HSP's are also cautious, inward, need extra time alone ( often erroneously translated by others into weakness, timidity, shyness or unsociability ).

Elain's book has a self-test you can do yourself to see if you fit into this category. To me, it felt like I was finally understood by someone, even though I've pushed myself quite far over the years to overcome the more debilitating aspects of being like this by nature...although for me, luckily I didn't have all the characteristics and some of the ones I do have are a bit more toned-down than others'. But for example, believe it or not...I used to be EXTREMELY, PAINFULLY shy!! But reading this book made me feel much better about myself, as she also recognizes all the wonderful sides to being an HSP ( she's a self-proclaimed HSP herself ), as HSP's also tend to believe there's something wrong with themselves, because of those labels and judgements we suffer from childhood. Also luckily, I'd long ago recognized that certain things bothered me more than most, so I DID accomodate myself in certain ways, in order to calm my inner world down some...so I'd already learned a bit about coping with these traits. Elaine's book explains how to make sensitivity a blessing, rather than a handicap....which is a huge relief for HSP's!

I hope this gives you a fairly good idea if this might be something for yourself to explore.

Edited October 22, 2006 by Maylissa

[shell]

Andy,

I was wondering if maybe your problem is related more to anxiety than depression, although they usually go hand in hand, so I should say in addition to depression. Have you ever been on any kind of meds, like antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs? Did they help? You don't have to answer me if you feel I'm being too nosy!

Hugs,

Shell

[Whiteswan]

Maylissa: Wow! Thanks for the info on highly sensitivwe people! You have basically described my son, myself and yes, my decreased Mom! The only exception is that we are not shy people but outgoing with others and friendly BUT when we've had enough so to speak it is get home and don't get in my space for awhile until I have re-gathered my energy! I think that is why my son, myself and my Mom all got along so well -- we understand that need for space in each other. I think highly sensitive peolpe are also more loving, compassionate, empathetic/sympathetic than others and maybe that is why the need for space after social settings -- we get drained easier that non-sensitives and require the alone time to gather our strength again. I think we also are very intuitive -- I know my Mom could read people like a book and my son and I can to a great degree too -- that's why when we take an instant dislike to someone we always find out later it was for good reason (I've had feelings of caution about some that I haven't listened to however , like my ex, and have later found out it was for good reason -- oh well, my son wouldn't be here now if I had have listened to that initial feeling about his Dad so I am glad I didn't listen -- some good comes from all bad.) Anyway thanks for sharing that info. Love and hugs

[AnnC]

My counselor who ran the grief group I was in offered me private sessions because she said she thought I had complicated grief. She said it meant for her that I had issues beyond the death of a loved one that would not be addressed by the regular group. I was in a group with widows/widowers, but I was divorced from my ex-husband, so felt kind of out of place. We were divorced 21 years before his death, and I had moved on and had a good life. He and I were friends after divorce (he was gay and that's the only reason we divorced), off and on, and then when he became ill we became very close again. So when he died, my counselor pointed out that it brought back the grieving over divorce, since new grief brings back old grief. And there was also what is called "disenfranchised grief", where you are not perceived to have a right to grieve so hard. This was in my case because we were divorced, so people didn't understand why I would be so upset over an EX-husband. All these issues complicated my grieving response.

Now, my father has terminal cancer, which is bringing up all the feelings again. So now, 2 1/2 years after my ex-husband's death, I am depressed often. Now I see it as understandable, though.

My ex-husband's partner has disenfranchised grief as well, since society in general does not honor the grief of a gay person when his/her partner dies -- in nearly all states they can't be legally married, so are not perceived as widowed either, and have no rights. He and I support each other, which helps a lot. He never tires of my talking about my ex, and I never tire of listening to him, so that's a big help. Also, my ex's best friend is always happy to have me talk about him, because she misses him so much also. She had two dear friends die within six months, my ex and another friend who shot himself in her house. So she needs a lot of listening too. We have formed a triad of support, and I can't emphasize enough what a help that has been.

Sometimes I worry that I am grieving "too long", but what is too long? I will never "get over" his loss, I will eventually learn to live with this hole in my life, and continue to live as I know he wants me to. I believe he is watching over me and all those he loves. When I told my parents and sister my ex died, they just shrugged (he's your ex and gay, so why do you care?) But when I told my brother my ex had died, he said immediately, "You will see him again." And I found that one of the best things anyone said, and I believe it.

[Andy]

My counselor who ran the grief group I was in offered me private sessions because she said she thought I had complicated grief... I felt kind of out of place... And there was also what is called "disenfranchised grief", where you are not perceived to have a right to grieve so hard. This was in my case because we were divorced, so people didn't understand why I would be so upset over an EX-husband. All these issues complicated my grieving response.

...

Sometimes I worry that I am grieving "too long", but what is too long? I will never "get over" his loss, I will eventually learn to live with this hole in my life...

Thank you Ann. Your circumstances are the closest to mine that I have seen.

I recently tried to join a grief group. When the leader found out that my wife had not died, she told me that the others in the group would not feel that my grief was as deep as theirs. She suggested that I look for a divorce-recovery group.

I wish I was as certain as you are that recovery will eventually happen. It has been over 17 years since I lost my wife. Isn't it pretty clear by now that I will not ever recover?

[MartyT]

Dear Andy,

I think your story illustrates the importance of choosing carefully the language that we use when speaking about grief.

First, it is pointless to compare one person’s loss with another’s, or to argue whether one person's grief is “deeper” than someone else's. Better to say that the grief associated with divorce is different from the grief experienced when a spouse dies, but it is still a death – the death of a relationship – and it still engenders grief. As I say in my book:

Regardless of its source, the worst kind of grief is the grief you’re experiencing now. Don’t compare your grief with anyone else’s, and know that, at this moment, your loss is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. Acknowledge that your loss is worthy of grief. Where there is loss, there is grief. Pain is pain. Accept that you must endure the very real feelings of sorrow.

-- In Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, p. 9

If “recovery” from your loss is what you seek, you’re quite right that you “will not ever recover,” because most of us understand “recovery” as returning to some state of normalcy, of going back to life the way it was before the loss occurred. When your divorce happened, the life you knew was lost, and you are forever changed. Better to say that eventually, with lots of hard work, understanding, and support, you become reconciled to your loss. Many in the field of transition and loss consider the term reconciliation to be more accurate than other words such as recovery, resolution, re-establishment, or re-organization.

It's important to understand that when we travel on this journey of transition and loss, we never arrive at some final destination or end point. Perhaps the most commonly asked question in grief is "When is grieving finished?" While the agonizing pain of loss diminishes in intensity over time, it's never gone completely. Whether through death or divorce, depending upon your relationship with and attachment to the one you have lost, it can be absolutely normal to feel the aftershock of loss for the rest of your life. Grieving is not a reaction to a single event, like an illness that can be cured and from which you will recover. It's more like a deep wound that eventually heals and closes, but whose terrible scar remains and still can hurt at times. For some, it's like an amputation, in that part of one's very self is lost when a relationship or a loved one dies. You wouldn't think of asking an amputee, "How long did it take for you to get over losing your left leg?" You never "get over" the loss of a loved one -- over time and with effort, you simply learn to live with it, eventually adjusting to the physical absence of your beloved.

It may help you to read this article by Judy Tatelbaum:

How Long Does Grief Last?

Everyone who has ever grieved wonders: How long will this grief persist? How long must I feel sorrow and pain? We don’t like feeling uncomfortable. We detest that complex mix of feelings that grief engenders. We may feel like victims of our feelings, wishing they would just disappear.

As a culture, we want everything to be quick and easy. We don’t savor feelings any more than we savor the wide range of our varied life experiences. Like all else that we hurry through in life, we may be obsessed with getting through our pain as quickly as possible.

How long does grief take? The real answer is that grief takes as long as it takes – a week, a month, a year or more, depending on whom we have lost and how this death affects us. Grief is a process we must move through, not over or around. Even when we can temporarily deny our pain, it still exists. It will eventually erupt in some way, maybe at an inappropriate moment or during another upset or illness. It is always better to admit our strong feelings, to feel them, and to move through them in order to move beyond them.

What does getting over it mean? It means not being forever in pain over our loss. It means we don’t forget or stop loving the person we lost. We do not always have to grieve; we can remember without pain.

Too often we hear the awful message that we never stop grieving, never get over our loss. When we have no tools for overcoming sorrow, and when the world tries to shut us up, grief does go on longer. The belief that we will never recover from a loss can become a self-fulfilling prophecy, if we let it. When we believe we can recover, we do. It is important to trust that grief is not forever.

I believed I would grieve forever when my brother died. I kept sorrow alive for fourteen years by believing it was endless. I didn’t know how to stop my grief. Grief that persists for years can keep us living in the past; keep us from loving the people who are still alive. I was stunted in my grief, afraid to trust, afraid to commit, afraid to have children I might lose. It wasn’t until a good therapist helped me express fully how much this loss hurt me that I was able to stop grieving.

No matter how much we may hurt today, we must remember that grief is temporary. Mourning does not have to last forever. We can finish crying and express all our many feelings around this loss.

We can find in ourselves the courage to recover and heal. We can begin to live fully and love again.

– © 2005 by Judy Tatelbaum, MSW, in Journeys: A Newsletter to Help in Bereavement, www.hospicefoundation.org .

[Judy is an experienced psychotherapist, lecturer and educator who has dedicated her life to freeing people from emotional suffering. She is a frequent speaker to lay and professional audiences, and is the author of two outstanding books, The Courage to Grieve: Creative Living, Recovery and Growth through Grief, and You Don’t Have to Suffer: A Handbook for Moving Beyond Life’s Crises.]

[Andy]

Isn't it pretty clear by now that I will not ever recover?

Thank you Marty! I will read the article later today.

Last night I read from The Way of Transition, one of the books you recommended. William Bridges tells the sad but beautiful story of waking to find that his wife has succumbed to cancer- right there in his arms! I cried like a baby. I wouldn't wish the cancer experience on anyone, but Oh! how I wish my relationship had ended in such love, and not with the rancor of divorce!

[Laurie]

Andy, Did you read (or watch) The Notebook? It's such a great story of an incredible love. I read the book and me and Sean watched the movie together. We loved it, it's an amazing story about how true love lasts forever--- no matter what. Laurie