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Mum Passed In January, Father Just Anounced Remarrying


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Hi, I lost my mum in January this year, after a 5 year battle with severe rhuematoid arthritis with lung complications diagnosed as COAD. We almost lost her 5 years ago, with septicemia when she was on life support with organ failure and in a coma.A miricle she survied but the next 5 years she deterioriated and was on home oxygen and rarely left the house,so her life was from bed to loo and computer. yearly she had chest infections, but she always came home. This time MRSA infection, caused pneumonia,and the antibiotics needed to knock this on the head, knocked out her kidneys and so we lost her. To us even though she had been ill for so long, it was sudden.

I had moved away 8 months previosuly and so had only spoken on the phone in that time. My youner sister lives near her, and my other sister was on holiday up there,so was with her. I really feel bad I didn't get there, but it was so fast,once they decided she was dying.

Becasue we are all over the place and the sister who lives up there, is busy with kids and a business, he was feeling really lonely and answered a personal ad in the catholic weekly for friendship and caravanning. they talked over the phone, he went down to brisbane to meet her, spent a week there, then she returned north with him for the past 2 weeks. my sister had a BBq for them to meet her,as we are all really happy that dad is happy and not lonely.BUT he dropped a bomshell, they are getting married.

I am just not ready for this, I haven't come to terms with my mum being gone yet, I miss her terribly. I just don't ahve room for this woman just yet. It jsut complicates things so much. I don't want to be awful and make her feel unwelcome when I finally meet her, but I don't want to play happy familys either.

My dad hasn't even told me himslef yet, left it to my sister to pass it on to us other 2. I can't ring him. I don't know what to say without bawling my eyes out. I really can't cope iwth this. I don't know what to do.

I told him I want him to be happy, he was stuck in the house with mum for 5 years, he wouldn't go out if she couldn't and he wouldn't take her out with all the oxygen etr it was so much trouble.

Thats another thing, my dad is the biggest scrooge, and if he could save money he would, like staying at relatives for weeks instead of motels , dragging the big free O2 bottle to visit rather than pay for a portable that doesn't last long. so for him to spend money on this lady is going to cause big resentment.

also if he sells the house(she has one too) to buy a shared one, negates the 25 years mum worked to pay for it, if you get me.

she has 4 grown kids of her own, has been widowed for 20 or 30 years, can't imaginae what her kids are gooing to think iether.

they are both 70, I know they deseve happiness, but so soon, mums plaque only went on the grave last month.how can he get over 43years so quickly. I feel sick thinking about how it changes everything.

Our first xmas without mum is coming up and i can't bear sitting acroos from them holding hands and stuff, just yet. I dread them coming to visit me.

am I being selfish? How can he not think aobut how we feel? he took her over to mums sisters yesterday and got an icy reception, my aunt would not speak to the lady. He told my sister he couldn't understand why.

I know mum would have wanted him to have soemoane and not be lonely, but I can just imagine what she would be saying if this was bout someone else, she would have had a lot to say LOL

I had no idea this would affect me like this, as I said, I was all for him meeting this lady, but it's just such a shock, I feel sick and can't sleep worrying it through, and jsut hinking of mum all the time too, so I'm close to tears or in tears all th e time.

Thanks for listening, if anyone else ahs been through this plaease let me know how youcoped and how it worked out.

Bee

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Beemay,

I know you read LoriW's post about her father doing the same thing. I will tell you what I told her. You are not being selfish. I completely understand how you would be feeling! I would totally freak out if that happened. Sure, you want then to be happy, etc...but, jeez, that's a hard thing to swallow. I may get jumped on for this or maybe I'm not "caring" enough or understanding enough, but I believe both of your fathers are being very selfish. But men (sorry guys! Not ALL of you are like this!) tend to look for someone else to "take care of them", especially the older ones, I think. Well, I'm not helping anyone here, just wanted you to know that I think your feelings are absolutely normal. And you should handle it anyway you want to. Whatever is best for your feelings. Good luck with it.

A bug hug to you,

Shell

LoriW,

Would love to hear how things turned out and how you are doing.

Hugs,

Shell

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Thanks Shell,

I was gobsmacked when I read loris post, it was so similar to mine.

Thanks for your rply.I think you may have hit oneof the nails on the head. My dad went from his mums(italian) to my mum who looked after him ,cooking cleaning, u s kids etc and added to that 25 years of night duty, until she became ill.The lst 5 years he looked after her, but he had no choice, if she was well she still owuld ahve been doing everything while he watched tv or gardenend. So it's no surprise to me that he has clung to someone will ing to clean and do his ironing LOL. It still smarts though and I have no idea what I'm going to say to him, because I really feel strongly about not going to the wedding. My yungest sister wo n't go iehter, but the middle one hates conflict,so she will go, and be streesed over it, but will still go,so as not to rock the boat.

thanks again

Bee

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I can relate to you. My Dad passed away in March and my Mom remarried in Aug. It was a big shock. I live 2000 miles away from her and my sister 1 block away and my brother about 900 miles away. While my brother had a very hard time with this, I quess my sister and I took it a bit easier. I was very upset at the news, don't get me wrong, but I knew my mom was going to do what she wanted to regardless of how us kids felt. She is 70 also. My Dad was the greatest, and I felt like she hadn't had enough time to grieve but I knew that this new man made her happy. And I just felt like, who am I to tell her that she can't be happy. He had lost his wife the past Winter, so he knew the pain of losing a spouse, I guess together they felt like they could help each other. I was not at the wedding, my sister and brother were. I have met him and he is a very nice person. He never acted as though he was trying to take my Dad's place, and never pushed us to like him, but I really do like him. I know this is hard on you and your sisters,but like my mom told me, "your Dad is not coming back" at the time I thought that was pretty harsh, but I realized it was true. My mom does deserve to be happy and if I wasn't gonna give up my life to go be with her, then what say so did I have in it. Please don't get me wrong I believe it was way to soon, but it is her choice. Be honest with your Dad, tell him it hurts you and why, but be there for him. You lost your mother but he also lost his wife. This probably didn't help you much, but It was more for you to know you are not alone..You will be in my thoughts and prayers...

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Hi DLG,

thanks so much fo r your reply. It does help actually :) I was hoping to come here and find someone who had been through the same thing ,so I thank you for sharing.

The coincidences here are mounting up LOL My sisiter lives 5 mins away from dad, I spent 3 years with them up north, then moved away 1000k's interstate form queensland to country new south wales. my youngest sister lives another 500kms from me. she and I are very close and the middle one that lives near dad, has been the "looked after" one.this is the same one that hates conflict and will give in rather than argue, this is why she is the favoured one I think.LOL .

I do want to see him happy and I don't expect that he sit and rattle around an empty house for years. I just think he might be thinking with his dick and not his head LOL I don't know it just seems os fast.

I know i will ahve to talk to him and I'm dreading it. He is already a bit weird on the phone,sort of fakey, happy family....hard to explain, jsut weird LOL It's obvious the last time we spoke he rang to tell me he borihgt her home with him to stay for a week and he was nervous on the phone and kept asking how the kids were over and over, anywya I told him I was happy for him, it was great, etc but this has thrown me a wobbly, I tell you.

can i ask why you didn't go to the wedding? and how do you feel about that now? how much strain did it put on your rlationship with your mum and your brother and sister?

I'm just not ready for change is my problem LOL This said by the woman whose been on tv for moving so many times LOL

thanks again

Bee

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Bee, Believe me, I kinda thought about the whole thing about thinking with something else..Thanks, That made me chuckle...I was probably the closest to my Dad and my mom said she figured I'd be the one to throw a fit, but I wasn't. I think it was probably because I was closest to my Dad. Now if the roles were reversed, I would have thrown the biggest fit, you would have heard it in Austrila.lol...It was kinda known that if anything were to happen to my mom then my Dad would move up here with me. My mom hates NY so I knew she wouldn't ever. Thing is, Every year they came up for the summer, mostly, ok all the way, because my Dad wanted to, but now since she's been remarried, she wants them to come up in Feb. She hated NY when my Dad was alive and that was in the summer, now she wants to come up during Winter? I don't get it...The reason I didn't go to the Wedding was because I had just spent 3 weeks down there with them, and they were getting married in Colorado at my Aunts' house (my mom lives in Arizona) so I could have changed my plans and gone, but I honestly just really didn't want to..

As for the relationship between my Mom and me, well...It could be better. Not because of her getting married exactly, just now she seems self-centered. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but everything is about her. How she's feeling, who made Her mad, what happened to her. I start to tell her something and she changes the subject. Let me give you a little background so you can understand this better. I am my Dad's only daughter, my sister is his step-daughter, (though you'd never think my brother and sisiter weren't my Dad's kids) and him and I were very close. Anyways I talked to them, though it was mostly him, 2..sometimes 6 times a day on the phone, he always had time to talk, to listen, and after my Dad passed, I was the strong one, I took care of everything, and everyone, I am my Dad's daughter after all, I had to be strong, anyways, I spent hours listening to thier grief, offering support while all along I didn't show my pain, anyways, I think becuase of that, maybe she felt, I was ok and contuinue to be ok. But I now talk to her maybe 1 times a day, and for maybe 5 minutes. And the only time she really wants to talk to me is if something is bothering her. My mom and sister were having troubles here recently and I of course was in the middle, I know I could have said Deal with it and leave me alone, but I did what my Dad would have done, talked to them both and tried to solve it, Now during this time, my mom called all the time, a couple times a day, but once they got over fighting, I am back to square one with her. Yesterday we talked for 3 minutes...3 MINUTES!!! Yet, I called my sister and she was at a resturant waiting for my mom and they were all gonna have dinner. I guess I'm being selfish, but she can't even call me. She can't or won't help me with what is going on in my life. Granted, I'm not a little girl (minus my sig name)I'm a 33 year old married mother of 2 step mom to 2 more, but it would be nice to have momtell me everything will be ok..

I know I sound like a baby, but I guess it is just because my Dad always took time for me, and she can't, I guess it has always kinda been that way, not to sound vain, but my family, mom included, said they knew Dad liked me most, so amybe since my Dad is gone, she doesn't really feel like she has to deal with me..I don't know, maybe i am just rambling..Anyways ..Another quick story(can you tell I like to talk)I even have my Dad's ashes. He came home with me right after he was cremated. For that I am glad because even though it is his earthly body and he's no longer there, I believe he is right where he wanted to be. My mom said from the begining that she wanted me to take his ashes, because he would want to be in NY. Anyways, If you ever need to talk or you just need to scream, give me a holler, I'm a great listener and I tell great stories(Thanks to my Dad!) Have a great Day!

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Hi Bee,

I think your feelings are right on. My dad passed away in December and my sister had a MardiGras party a few months later and when I saw the pictures there was one shot with my mom and a man. It was just someone at the party, no big deal. But to me I was a little angry that another man would have his arm around my mom. I was surprised at the feelings that came up. If my mom had lived on and met someone new, it would be very hard. Ultimately I would want her to find happiness again, and it isn't really about me anyway. It was her life. So hang in there it all works out the way its supposed to.

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  • 2 weeks later...

:huh: What on earth is he up to?

I'm scratching my head, really!

i haven't heard from my dad ina bout 3 weeks now.I rang my sister that lives close to him, seems he has taken this lady to a family wedding in sydney.

He can't be thinking!

First he just added +1 to the reply card, without asking. Then he took her to this big Italian weding of his sisters youngest son, where all his relatives including his 102 year old mother will be. What on earth is he thinking? None of these people because of age and circumstance was able to attend mums funeral,and have not seen him since, therefore he is going to have everyone give him sympathy and talking about mum etc, while this woman is on his arm 9 months after the funeral. this is an italian family. His mother wore black for 12 months after my grandfather passed and was talked out of wearing it a second year.You know, the thing his, he is probably going to be offended!!

I haven't met the lady yet, but surely being a widow herself, she should have known this wouldn't be the right thing to do, she was already given the cold shoulder at my mums sisters a few weeks ago.

Might ring my uncle he would have been at the wedding, just to see what the fallout was!

As I said in another post, I am dreading him ringing me, I have no idea what I am going to say............

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Hi, Bee: My maternal grandmother passed away when I was nine years old and my Mom took it very hard (I understand this feeling all too well now). Anyhow, my Grandpa decided to remarry about a year after Grandma died. My Mom and he had many, many disagreements about this; I can remember our family not going to see him for quite a while on account of this. Mom never accepted his decision to remarry (still hasn't to this very day), but she eventually came to have a peaceful coexistence with her step-mother. They gave each other space to feel as they each did. Now that I've lost my Dad, I can understand how she felt. It would be so hard to see another man "taking his place." Your feelings are yours; you don't have to like his decision. But on the other hand, your Dad seems to have made his decision and he feels as he feels, too. Perhaps a peaceful coexistence is the best anyone can do, at least for the moment. I'll continue to pray that things work out between you and your Dad.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann

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BeeMay,

Well, no offense, but he obviously ISN'T thinking! The only thing I can think is that maybe if he gets enough flack from this, it will open his eyes...can hope so! What a mess to have to deal with on top of your own grief! I feel for you, truly!

Hugs,

Shell

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Thanks so much.Your replies mean a lot to me, I have calmed down so much from bieng here, at the same time, since being here and reading your replies on my posts, I know what I'm feeling is normal, that it's ok to feel like I do. Also I can cry over others letters and feel for them and maybe what I say might make them feel less alone,like youall make me feel.

A big hug each :)

bee

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  • 2 weeks later...

:blink: Well I have spoken to dad.He rang me during the week. Basically he told me he had bought a caravan with his girlfriend, they went halves. they went down for the wedding, but on the rsvp date, the nut and had to come home again. he picked up my mums neice( i could hear her laughing while I was on the phone) all I could think was TRAITOR lol! they headed back norht with her and stayed at dads girlfriends for a week or so, now they should be up at dads fro the next couple of weeks til maureen(neice) flies back to sydney, then he and his girlfriend are heading off for two weeks fishing in the caravan. He told me younger sister had told him she didn't have the beds for them to stay over xmas, which I had already warned him might happen. my other sister always has some friends over on xmas day which for some reason he doesn't likes,so he is going to his girlfirends for xmas.

He seemed a little bit shocked an offended that people are not happy he has a girlfriend."he has to think of himslef now"

I told him that me and the other two needed more time before we met her, that while we acknoleged it in spirit, the reality is too hard to cope with, but we did not want to be rude iether. He said he understood, and where this goes remains to be seen,depends how it works out etc, if it didn't work out he would have to buy her half of the caravan or vice versa,so at least his head is out of the clouds a little? at least thats what I got out of the comments.

So I rang my sister and told her what he said, and she felt a bit calmed...................

BUT :blink: now, I went and visited, my auntie,mums sister in canberra yesterday. she reminded me of mum so much, only partly her face but her mannerisms and way of speaking, made my very teary, she is so much like mum.

Before I even got in the door, she told me she wanted to speak to me about dad.

she is ringing him to tell him he is not welcome in her home with that woman.she heard from her sister(the one he visited who collapsed) about the hand holding and leg patting and told me many stories about dad when we were young, many I remeber but you put that stuff at the back of your mind and it has brought up all the old resentments back again.

Although he did all the hosuework cooking cleaning etc for the last 5 years, he relly didn't treat her like a loved one. Mum worked for 25 years and allher super and everything was in the joint account or invested or whatever and when she wanted something she had to ask for it, I am really angry about this esp the oxygen bottle. I am starting to think he was embarrased by her and the money was an excuse not to buy it,so he didnt have to take her out, because even when he got the bottle, we went out once with it.

so I'm back to being angry,resentful and tearful and........................ God I miss my mum.

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  • 8 years later...

reading what i wrote so long ago now. I hope you other ladies have come to terms with your loss. I am 9 years down the track now. It still hurts ,but is manageable. The hardest times are xmas, my birthday, when i always feel weirdly disconnected and sad and the big moments like my daughter getting married and having twins and my youngest son having a daughter and my eldest son becoming a woman. Life goes on as they say. There has been one moment ,that I could say I'm glad mum wasn't here and that was this new years day when we lost her granddaughter another twin, at 24 yrs of age to an anuerism. so sudden. If she wasnt already dead it would have killed her.

an update on dad. Dad and Margaret married in the April about 14 months after mum passed. they sold both thier homes and bought one together. they breifly visited and she didnt seem happy. They came down in oct 11 for my daughters wedding and in oct 2013 i visited them for 2 weeks and actually got to know her. The first night was hard, she wanted to not like me I think but I wore her down, slayed the dragon and had a lovely stay. did not see them again until last week for the neices funeral. Dad was devestated and seemed to be getting a little forgetful, i dont blame him, its the stress and the shock. Margaret was gracious, an unusual word to use for her, but she made and effort to fit in and I was pleased,especially as the side of the family that were pretty rude to her at the beginning were all there. I could never call her step mum but we have all made an effort to make it work and dad seems happy and thats the main thing. Sad that its another death that has br.oght me back to this lovely page. I hope you are all well and coping xo

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I'm glad things have worked out, your efforts towards establishing a relationship with Margaret seem to have brought fruition. She's been your dad's wife for some years now, I'm sure in the future you will appreciate her having been there for him all these years. It's hard growing old alone, without a partner, and she has been that to him.

I'm sorry for the loss of your niece as well, so young to have had something like this happen. My heart goes out to you and your family.

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