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Relationship Problems


Vero

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Hello all,

its been a while since i've posted anything on the board but i've been checking on everyone's progress everyday. Long story short, I've lost my beloved mother back in March and i've been on a roller coaster since. I am definately doing better than I was a few nonths ago, no more guilt about feeling happy, do not cry so often, have nice memories coming back to me,etc. I am now debating on whether or not I want to pursue my marriage. My husband is great and all but he has not been the rock that I was expecting him to be. He is just not really there for me. Its not that we fight or anything, it just feels like we are becoming stanger, like we are just really good friends and not husband and wife, we're a bit disconnected from each other. I think he is a bit tired of the roller coaster ride. He has been very busy starting and maintening is own business and all his energy is devoted to that venture. We still love each other very much but Im wondering if he is really the one for me. I have been thinking about moving back home to Canada, I sure could use some familly time. I am leaving my job (same job for the past 6 years). I have been performing poorly at work since my mother's death and its time for me to move on. I have no enjoyment in work anymore. I know i am somewhat depressed since she has been gone but I do have more good days than bad days. I have a few close friends that are really close to me and help me thru the bad times and are there to share the good times too. Im just really confused and not sure at all what I want to do. I will be taking a few weeks off for sure before finding new employment, I need to recharge my batteries. Has this happened to any of you? Any of you ended their marriage or relationship after the death of a loved one? This has been on my mind for quite some time now. If you have ended a relationship, when did you know it was time to move on? If you have decided to stay in your relationship and make it work, when and how did you know it was the decision to take? Any help would be greatly appreciated. I am happy to see that a lot of people on the board are doing better and better all the time!

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I think you should give your self time before you make this big decision. they say big changes in the first year and i do believe that. were you always having problems? why don't you try counseling? i just wouldn't want you to make a quick decision and then regret it later on. think alot about this one. lori

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Hey Lorikelly,

no problems in the past, it's probably just me. you're right, no big decisions in the first year. It's just that I thought that out of all the people I know, he would be there for me 100% but he's not. And some people that I tought would not be there for me, well the opposite happened, they became really close to me.

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Vero,

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. Unfortunately, we have all experienced the same thing, about the people you expect to be there aren't and vice versa! They say that through grief you become a "new" person, because you have a different life since your loved one is gone. I think this is true, and that sometimes the new you doesn't mesh well with your "old" relationships. I agree with Lori, that you should think this over carefully. Could you possibly make a trip to Canada, by yourself, so that you would have some time to think and reflect on the situation? That might help. Good luck. I'm glad you are having more better days than bad ones!

Hugs,

Shell

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Vero

Maybe a vacation all by your self for a few weeks or days or what ever you can fit into your schedule so you can take a big hard long look at everything that is going on in you life. That is a major decision that you should really take time to think and look at. Have you said anything to your husband about how you feel if not may be you should try I bet he to is under stress about his business and worried about you or maybe you have just given him the thought that youwant to be left alone with all your grief that you feel. Try talking to him honestly and see where that goes I wish you the best in all of this. Hang in there

Thanks

Haley

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Vero,

I would think on this one and not do anything rash. I know my husband has a hard time knowing what to do for me. He sees that I am hurting but sometimes finding the right words is hard. They can only say sorry so much. You also have to remember that your husband has lost someone he cares about as well.(I would assume.) My husband feels that way. Try being open with him and tell him what you need. And maybe taking some time away would also do you some good.

Libby

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Vero,

Just sharing my experience...for what it's worth. My mother started out in April with a heart attack. For the next 6 months, until her death on Oct. 25, it was one thing after another, including a broken neck, pneumonia, sepsis, etc. She spent four months in a rehab center in a city an hour away from us. I'm an only child, so her care was MY responsibility, and no one to share it with on a day-to-day basis. In short, it was tough, trying to hold down a full-time job, drive to see about her, manage my family, etc.

My husband, bless him, was little or no help at all. He didn't even go to see Mother with me, much less take care of business, fill my gas tank, massage my tight shoulder muscles,etc. I was SO mad at him because he didn't take care of ME! I NEEDED someone to take care of me while I took care of Mother. Didn't happen. He seemed to be oblivious. Finally, in the last month of her life, he began to "wake up" (a little) and would at least go to see her with me sometimes.

Gradually, with the help of counselling, I began to see that he really was oblivious. He was doing the best he knew how to do. No, he didn't know much, but he was doing his best with what he knew. I realized that, no, he didn't take care of me, but he did take care of himself (cooking, laundry, etc.) so that I didn't have to do a lot of that. Was he there emotionally for me? No, but he doesn't know how. That's really a bummer, but I can't fault him for not doing what he doesn't know how to do. I can't be angry with him when he's doing HIS best, no matter how lame that might be.

I nearly left him in the middle of Mother's illness (not because of his lack of help, but because of some other stuff), but I'm glad I didn't. Too many life changes at once. Too many major decisions, etc.

I hope you can get away for a little bit to give yourself some space and thinking room. I didn't go far, ( stayed at my Mother's apartment some) but that little bit of space made a difference in me, and in him.

I pray that God will send others into your life to help you through this time when your husband is unable to. He did that for me.

Hope this helps a little...

hugs,

Martha

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Hi, Vero: Please take your time. My bereavement counselor advised me to avoid making any major decisions or changes for the first year, as others here have been advised as well. I know I would love to change jobs and relocate closer to my Mom and brother. However, I've been in my current teaching job 14 years and have tenure and seniority. It would be quite a change. So I'm seeking guidance from God; I'm sure he will have an answer for me.

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Leann

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