Negative Thoughts/guilt

[lorikelly]

I know that i have talked about this before so i am sorry that i am doing it again.

my mom is now gone 4 mos and the pain is unbearable. you would think i would be better, i have a husband and two boys. people say i have to do it for them and should be thankful i have them. i am but i still feel a mess. i read others post about losing a child or spouse and think i am selfish to be so upset when i have mine. i just miss her so much.

i also can't stop the thoughts of guilt . i loved my mom dearly and she loved me but our relationship was complicated. i don't think anyone has a perfect one. i have taken care of mom for so long that now i feel lost.

she was bedridden for 18 mos here and then died in hospice the place i never wanted her to go. i feel like i failed her there.

i also was so scared that she was dying that i became mad. mad that she was sick mad that she was going to leave me. i was a mess for those 18 emotionally, physically and mentally. i thought if i didnt except that she was dying it would go away. well it doesn't.

i would lose my patience with her, snap at her and say things i should never os said. i never stopped loving her and she new that,i just was weak and could not face her death. i don't know if she understood that b/c she could not face dying either. i want to know so bad that she forgives me that she loves me. i sit here waiting everyday thinking she is just going to pop in and say hi i love and forgive you. CRAZY!!!!!

i took good care of my mom and she lived a yr longer then they thought. they said only 6 mos and it was 18mos. i just never spent enough time talking and listening. i spent my time taking care of her (which was alot since she had no use of anything) then i would move on to do my housework,boys,husband and work. i got angry at the situation and i let it come out. i missed out on precious time with her b/c i was to afraid to face the outcome her death.

my siblings wanted her in a nursing home from day one.i just could never bring myself to do that. i had made my mom a promise that i would never do that and could not go against that. my siblings and i still don't speak. maybe they were right. maybe i would of spent more time talking with her then worrying about everything else. i just no my mom would of died sooner and been miserable. i am not sure if i made the right choice. i know that i can't go back but i keep replaying it in my mind. i wish i had been more patient and listened more. i can't stop the thoughts in my head. i hope she forgives me. the last thing she mouthed to me was i love you to.

everyone says time but these are things i can not make right so how will time help them. how can i forgive myself? i read everything i can but still can not let go. i wrote her a letter and listed all my positive / negative things and the pos are more but it didn't help at all. i am sorry mom , i love you so much

thanks for listening. you are a great group of people.

lori

[chrissy777]

Lori,

You are not selfish at all. You did what was right for your mother and I know she appreciates that. I dont know if I would do the same for my mother. I know it sounds mean but we dont have a very good relationship. (I know she wouldnt take care of me). Dont feel guilty for sending her to hospice. I am a nurse and I see the wonderful things hospice does. It takes a very strong person to have hospice take over. I klnow it felt like you were saying I give up but you werent. At the end of life there is nothing better than hospice in my opinion. Your mothers last words were how she loved you. We all feel guilty about things we did or didnt do when greiving I think that is normal. My husband had cancer for 2 years before he died and I also found myself getting frustrated at times. You cant help it we are human. When you see the one you love dying I think it is a automatic reaction. I dont know what else to say but I hoped I helped some. Take care

[JennO]

Lori,

After reading your post, a few memories surfaced for me. My husband has been gone one year, one month. He had hemophilia and due to that, had arthritis, hypertension, lost a leg due to a knee replacement that turned septic (infected), and was struggling with both prescription pain med and alcohol addictions. (After reading that, it sounds much worse than it really seemed to be...) He lost his leg in 1996 and it killed him. The physcial ramifications of using a prosthetic, not being able to due to his arthritis in his remaining knee, pain that could not be controlled, etc...But it killed his spirit. We met in 1999, fell in love, marrying in 2001. What I found out was that he had been very depressed, as we can all imagine, after his amputation and had thought about suicide. What I also found out was that he came alive again when we met and did very well for the first few years, then began battling his addictions..sometimes it was very difficult, sometimes not an issue at all. I got so mad at times I couldn't believe I could ever feel that strongly, that fiercely, or say some of the things I said. I can't take them back, but I know they came from wanting him to be healthy, happy, and free from the gut wrenching pain I saw him and you saw mom endure, as Chrissy watched Jason experience. I think back to the night before Jeff died (it was Sweetest Day..a midwest thing I am told) and we had the perfect date day..beautiful roses he gave me, great dinner, and movie out...That night when we returned home, I was so anxious, irritable, and frustrated for what reason I didn't know..I just didn't feel right. He died the next day. I am sure deep down, I knew. I knew that I had fought to keep him alive and he probably lived seven years longer than he would have if we hadn't met. Our son, who was three weeks old when his dad died, would not be here. Lives would have been changed. I am positive your mom touched your life and other's lives during her 18mth fight..she was here for a reason for that long and you made it according to her wishes..at home. You did good girl. Frustration is inevitable. I choose not to allow my regrets of those bad moments cloud a love story full of great memories and I will never make that my focus when I talk about my love, my Jeff. As hard as it is, know you have a choice how to remember your mom. Remember those moments you did share and the peace you gave her. You should be proud .

Jenn

[Dusky]

Lori,

When your Mother mouthed those last words to you “love you too,” she was telling you that she forgave you. Forgiveness does not always have to be spoken or even contain the word forgiveness to have the intent and message received. You did receive forgiveness from your Mother.

The more difficult task is always forgiving ourselves for our shortcomings – and from this I can speak from a position of experience. I – like you – was less than kind on certain occasions. I raised my voice – I yelled – like you I was anger at everything that was happening around me and to Jack – and at times he was in the direct path of my anger at the illness that was slowly taking him from me – inch by inch.

Human beings make mistakes. What is important is not the mistake – but that we recognize our error – ask forgiveness – and simply foster compassion from this moment forward. I have read a tremendous volume of books on grief since Jack died and when these books speak of forgiveness - all – without fail – mention that forgiving yourself is the most difficult of all these tasks.

I have a few suggested readings that I really do feel will help you through some of these feels – I know they helped me. Here they are:

1. Healing After Loss – by Martha Hickman. Specifically read the pages dated 3/2, 4/2, 8/22,9/3 and 9/4. I actually copied these pages and kept them in various places in my home. Anytime I feel some guilt I re-read these particular days.

2. Forgiveness – A Bold Choice for a Peaceful Heart – by Robin Casarjian. The whole book is very good – but there are specific areas that deal with self-forgiveness – the most difficult task of all.

Our loved ones forgave us a long time ago – and probably never saw our transgressions with the same magnifying glass that we are using to see them. Our loved ones were also not perfect human beings – and they too made mistakes in their lives. Just as our loved ones were not perfect – we also were not perfect. If they did something wrong – we would not have refused to forgive them – we would have forgaven them whatever the transgression happened to be. And therefore the opposite is true as well – they would certainly have been the first to forgive us for any of our transgressions. Our loved ones do not want us to suffer – they want us to be happy and they have - in fact - forgiven us. Again it’s the self-forgiveness that is the hardest to accomplish.

I want to share one last thing – and that is one of the passages out of the Martha Hickman Book – Healing After Loss. The date March 2nd – reads as follows:

“Sometimes it is the last stone to be lifted from the grieving heart – the inability to accept forgiveness. And we each have our own catalog of things for which we yearn for forgiveness. The harsh word quickly spoken, the service performed begrudgingly – or not at all. Who is holding out for reprisal? Is it the one who has died scowling and shaking an accusing finger in some nether-world? More than likely it’s we who continue to berate ourselves: How could you? ‘When you forgive yourself you are forgiven,’ says Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, who for many years has written about and consoled others with the stages of grief. Imagine a conversation between you and the one for whom you grieve. Would you want that person to be without flaws? Such a person would bear little resemblance to the one you love. No more does that person want perfection of you. You wouldn’t be recognizable, either!”

I hope some of what is contained in the information here is helpful to you. I have traveled this road – and although it is not easy – I also know that forgiveness does exist – and your Mother would want you to extend the same forgiveness that she offered you with the words “I love you too” – to yourself. Give your Mother - in death - the best gift she could ever have received - in life. Forgive yourself – she already has. She wants you to be happy.

Love and peace to you,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

[missingcharlie]

That was beautifully said, Jenn! Lori - You can NOT beat yourself up about all this. You did what you could for your Mom and you have to know that she appreciated all the time you did spend with her and that she loves you.

You know that when our loved ones "cross over", all is forgiven. They become pain and disease free and enjoy a wonderful spiritual life!! There are no hard feelings for anyone and no blame! Maybe you should check into reading some books about the after-life or spirit life. I have read a couple and am on my next one - I've thoroughly enjoyed them and they have lightened my heart, some. I KNOW he's in a good place and that he is listening and watching me always. Something that might help you is to "talk" to your mom about what you are feeling. They hear us and that would be a way for you to ask her for forgiveness (even though she already has....)if that's important for you to have. Then you'll just have to give it time.

We all understand about being scared about our loved ones dying. My husband will be gone from me 2 years this next Thursday and I still am so sad! He spent his last 25 days, in the hospital, on oxygen. He knew he was dying, but I just couldn't let myself believe that...I was scared! I couldn't bear the thought that he would leave me. I'm sure that's where the anger comes from - being afraid.

Your loss is still so new; in time your heart will feel a little better, I promise. Check into reading some of those books, if you like to read. Quite a few people on here have read different books and I think it helps bring an "understanding" to yourself.

Be sure to keep coming here. We are all here for you!

Patti

[AnnC]

I believe we all feel guilt when someone we love dies. My ex and I became very close when he was ill. But as the months went on, I would call to talk to him and would find he'd been in the hospital again, in a two-week coma, all kinds of difficulties. He lived in Georgia, and I live in Seattle, so I couldn't go see him every time he was hospitalized (he had liver disease and needed a transplant.) It became so frightening I began to put off calling him, feeling afraid of what I would hear. Then his friend called and he had died, and I felt so awful, so guilty that I had ever put off talking to him. It's so hard to forgive ourselves. His friends say he wouldn't even need to forgive me, that he wouldn't think I had even done anything that needed forgiveness, but I feel like I let him down.

I really like that quote from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross -- I found it very comforting. I do think that self-punishment and guilt is one of the hardest things about grief.

Ann

[Laurie]

Hi Lori, I hope you are feeling a little bit better. It sounds like you took such good care of your Mom, and I'm sure she was so appreciative of that. She knows how much you love her, or you would'nt have taken care of her. Of course you would get frustrated sometimes, anyone would! You must have been so exhausted with her care and your boys, husband and housework. I honestly can't even imagine being able to do that. But you did it for her, and you are an amazing woman! She knows it, and she knows how much you love her. I hope you feel better. Love, Laurie

[missingcharlie]

John - You and I must have been typing at exactly the same time, but you must have gotten to the "add reply" button before I did. The last post I saw was from Jenn, that's why I addressed my post to her.... I wanted to let you know that I loved your post, too. You always have the most beautiful way of putting things and expressing yourself. I love to read what you write!!

Take care.

Patti

[lorikelly]

Thank you to all of you. i know i have a long road ahead of me. thanks for listening and helping me.

John.

I printed out your reply so i can reread it and read those books. thanks for understanding. i am doing my best.

lori

[kayc]

Lori,

I replied to you Thursday morning before my interview but for some reason it isn't here. I'm glad you got so many responses though, my sentiments echo them all. You are a very special person...you were there for your mom and she loved you. Forgiveness is never necessary for your children. Being a caretaker is very hard. Please be kind to yourself as your mother would want you to...you are the one who was there for her and she knew that.