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I had such a bad night last night. I cried when I went to bed and it took me a while to fall asleep. I woke up at 3am feeling worse than I've felt ever. I felt like I just couldn't stand it anymore, like I was going crazy. I wonder if I'm having a nervous breakdown, is this what it feels like? I can't stop thinking of my regrets. I try to think of the happy times, but my head is so full of the bad stuff. I can't even beleive the mean and hurtful things I said to him sometimes. Just because he hurt me, I had to keep hurting him over and over. Why couldn't I have just let it go? Why didn't I realize that nothing is more important than love? I have been writing letters to Sean, telling him how I feel and how sorry I am. I feel like I am just existing now to raise my boys, and waiting to die. I can't even beleive this happened, but I almost feel like I deserve the pain.

Laurie

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Laurie

No one deserves the pain. We all say things during our marriages that we later regret, my wife was the same way as far as bringing things up again and not letting them go. I know that even tho she did this that she truly did love me. Sean knows the sames thing, he knows that you loved him. Just write the letters and ask for his forgiviness, and maybe that will help you feel better. During my first few months after Karen died, I felt like my only reason for living was to raise my son, if it weren't for him I would have not had a reason to go on. Now that is has been almost 8 months, I know there is a reason I am still here, God has a plan for me. I don't know what that plan is, but it is there. I now have a little better outlook on my life, things are looking better and I am able to have some fun. I am starting to find out who I am. The pain is still there especially when I lay down to go to sleep and my Golden Retriever is laying beside me instead of my wife. I can say that the pain is not as intense as it was in the begining. Just hang in there and know that God is carrying you throught this.

May God grant you the peace that only he can give, I will be praying for you.

Derek

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Hi Laurie and everyone else!

I'm Sue and this is my first post. I so relate to your feelings Laurie. My partner and soulmate Ernie passed October 25th. We'd known for a long time he wasn't well, but we didn't know how serious it was until just before the end. But I'd been dealing with the pressure of his deteriorating functioning for a long time and was exhausted. When he ended up in the ER after throwing up blood (I knew then for sure he was in serious trouble)I lost it. I started drinking heavily and ended up finally kicking him out in a drunken rage. I feel like the biggest heel of all time. Its true, he WAS asking for so much - too much. And after our fight he wouldn't talk to me for almost a month, and his whole family decided to make me into the villain too and keep him from talking to me. It took him finally being admitted to the hospital where he died five days later for us to reuinite and make our peace. HE understood Laurie - that's the most important thing I want to say to you. I'm sure that Sean understood and understands too why you were angry sometimes. Thank God Ernie and I were able to talk at the end and say all the right things to each other. If you didn't get that chance I'm sure it makes it so much harder for you to accept your mistakes. I too feel soooooooo bad for all the times I yelled at Ernie, for not being strong enough to not drink under all the stress and instead to get the help I needed to face what was happening. The pain and the guilt is worst at night. Just lying in Ernie's arms was heaven, and I feel sooooo alone now! And yeah, maybe I feel I deserve to suffer too.

In more self loving moments I remind myself I'm human, and that I always do try to do my very best for those I love. Isn't this true for you too Laurie? Intimate relationships bring out both our best and our worst, that's just how it is. And you're raising kids too. Especially in this culture (which stinks at supporting parents) childrearing equals STRESS on parents. Yet how many times did you find the energy and the strength to support and love Sean despite being tired or frustrated or empty and needy yourself? I'll bet you did so a whole lot. Its hard to remember that right now, not to beat yourself up for the mistakes, the failutes. But for me - I want to be able as soon as I can to think about Ernie again with happiness, to connect with all the joy and insight and peace he brought into my life. And to do that I have to love myself. If he forgave me and God can forgive me, then I must be forgivable - right?

I'm glad you have your kids. What you are doing by keeping keeping on right now with them is pretty awesome. You must be a strong person (fortunately, my kids are older and don't need daily care - I can't imagine how I'd be able to parent them otherwise right now). I hope they're coping with their dad's passing as well as can be hoped for and not freaking out on you too much (as so often happens in times of trouble). Please go easy on yourself if you get impatient with them right now - ok? Its to be expected, no matter how good they are or how much you love them

God bless you Laurie - Sue

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All of us say things or do things we wish we could take back or redo. I am no different. Three weeks before George died, he told me about his meth addiction. I was really angry. I went on line and learned everything I could about it. I educated him and gave him a "tough love" list of what I expected if he wanted to stay with me. I don't regret that, I said things he needed to hear and at least he got the opportunity to get things right with God and begin to try to go the right direction, even though I now realize he wasn't perfect at it even then. One of those things on my list was "to help out more. In the past year I feel I have been carrying the load and I need you to do your part." What I didn't know when I wrote that was that he had five blocked arteries and between working and commuting, he didn't have the strength to even put things away that he used...he was that tired. I, of course, felt bad, when I learned about his heart condition. But I also know that he KNEW I loved him and I only knew what he let on...and the truth is, he had not gone to the doctor as aggressively as he should of because he didn't want the doctor to catch on about the meth. I could blame me for not knowing or doing something more aggressively, I could blame him for acting irresponsibly, but in the end, it does no good to blame and we loved each other so deeply, neither of us would want to blame or hurt the other one...in the end I have to let all that go, all of our mistakes and weaknesses, all of our shortcomings, and recognize that we really did have one very terrific love, we went through everything together and came out loving each other through it all...and always will. That is not a failure story, that is a success story. We have to love ourselves as our loved one did...just as they needed to love themselves as we loved them. That's what is so terrific about love.

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Laurie

I am sorry that you are having a hard time. i am having insomnia now and the other night i only slept 1 1/2 hrs, someone at work gave me some sleeping pills and they have helped. i am going to ask the dr for some.

i know how you feel about the guilt. i go over and over mine in my head . it can really beat you down. i try to tell myself i did my best and that my mom knew i loved her and she me. i go through so many what ifs. i sometimes sit here wondering what is the purpose of life. how do i know that there is really anything after this. i try not to doubt but i think grief can do this to you. I too wish i could get a sign from my mom and i find myself begging her to pls come to me. it is crazy. i am not sure what to tellyou .we can only take one day at a time. i think this time of yr makes it so much worse pls know that i am here for you. lori

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Thank you everyone for writing. I haven't been online in a few days. I kind of crashed, just crying, listening to "our music", looking at pictures and our cards and letters. I just miss him so so much, and I feel so much sadness over what we lost, what could have been.

Lori, I'm going to the doctor on Monday and I'm going to ask him about sleeping pills. I also beg Sean for signs all the time. Little things have happened, but not anything that really convinced me that it wasn't just a coincidence. I try so hard to believe, but it's hard for me.

Kay, It does make me feel good that we loved eachother so much. I found another card today, stuck in a kitchen cabinet from my birthday in September. I had forgotten about it. He had filled the whole inside of it with such loving sweet words. I love him so much.

Sue, I'm sorry and I know it's so fresh for you too. It's so good that you and Ernie had that time to make things right, and say what you wanted to say. I felt so terrible and guilty for not forgiving Sean for his mistakes, but a friend told me that I "did forgive him, by taking him back." So maybe I didn't say it in so many words, but I did take him back to try to give us a chance because I loved him and missed him. I wish I could say that I honestly feel I did the best I could. I know that I could have done more, and done better. I wish I had the chance to do it over, but I know that all I can do is learn from it.

Derek, You give me some hope. Knowing that it is starting to get a little better for you now makes me feel better. It makes me think that maybe someday, I'll be happy again too. By the way, I sleep next to a yellow Lab. :)

I Love You All, Laurie

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Laurie,

You have done nothing different then most people. Mike and I fought a lot. We also said terrible things to one another. You can't blame yourself, I have to agree Derek, we are here for a reason, I know for a fact, I should have been dead five times over, I was hit by a semi, in my drivers door and the seatbelt magically broke saving my life. I went off the back of the bike at 35 miles an hour, and I have tried overdosing taking a bottle of lorazapam and a fifth of tequila once, and the other two times, I took a full bottle of sleeping pills. Its not our time. We are here for a reason. God wants us here, and he will help us get through. No matter how our life is going, some how we have to look to him and find the strength.

"Boy that is words, I never thought would come out of my mouth, but somehow it just did".

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Hi All!

I don't know why it makes me feel better to hear other people confess that they got angry at their loved one too. And that I'm not the only one sleeping with my dog right now (1/2 Lab, 1/2 German shorthair). I was so angry at Ernie for not getting better - even after he made the decision to stop smoking and drinking this summer. I felt that if he would only be well we wouldn't have been fighting so much. I lost my brother last year, and before he died he begged me not to judge his lover of 3 1/2 yrs, who not only gave him the virus but also yelled at him a lot toward the end. My brother - who was not always an easygoing guy himself - only cared that I wouldn't judge his lover. Because he knew how hard it was on him to have to care for my brother when sometimes it seemed he couldn't - or wouldn't - care for himself. I'm very proud of how courageous my baby brother was in the face of his death, and his compassion helps me forgive myself.

Love to all -Sue

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  • 2 weeks later...

Wow, you people are honest. My drug of choice is wine, which flows feely at everyone's house I go to. What they don't know is that it's a daily choice at home. We always shared one with candlelight at dinner. Every day. With our son (he didn't drink the wine, just shared in the candlelight). Now it's no candlelight, just wine. Thinking about a local support group after the holidays. Thanks for your honesty. By the way, my black lab was nestled up next to me one cold snowy Saturday morning and it brought back feelings of comfort and safety, if only for a minute. They really are man's best friend, aren't they?

Karen

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