Christmas Still Belongs To My Mom

[Trudy1964]

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was 4 years old. We didn't visit him every other weekend like many children in that situation. Sometimes we would go six months without him visiting us. Needless to say, my loyalties were always with my Mom. As we were growing up, I always made sure my Mom was never alone on holidays. Sometimes that may have meant bringing her with us to the inlaws but she was fine with that.

Our Christmas family tradition was for my Mom to make a Cajun seafood gumbo and we all gather together and eat. Now that she is gone, the sister-in-laws are asking in my Dad is going to be there. They say they are trying to get their holiday schedules straight. I just can't handle my Dad being there. I feel like this Christmas is still hers. My step-mom is one of these people who want to tell you how you only have one mom and how lucky we were, yada, yada, yada. I know that. She is a real suck-up. If i would start to cry and she comes over and tells me that, I would hit her. Besides, my Mom hated her. (She's the reason my Mom and Dad split up.)

I know we are all going to exchange gifts that remind us of our Mom. She wrote the recipe for the gumbo last year. It was as if she knew it was going to be her last. I'm having this copied in a plate in her handwriting. I know my 5 siblings all have something to share also. I just can't have my Dad here. I'll go and see him. I just can't have him at Mom's Christmas gathering this year.

I know my in-laws didn't mean anything by it. I just can't do this. As it gets closer, I feel like I am smothering.

I am not handling the holidays very well. I am having Christmas at my house so the I can dictate how much decorations are out. The only thing I have out is a 4 foot tree. That isn't even decorated yet. I just want the holidays to go away. I turn the radio off when a Christmas song comes on. I work in the school system. All we are doing right now is Christmas, Christmas, Christmas. Sometimes I have to walk out of the room.

I know I'm going to make it through these holidays because my Mom was a strong person. I will get my strength from her. I would really just like to wake up Jan. 2, 2007.

I know I have been rambling. I just needed to get if off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Missing my Mom so much,

Trudy

[Paul S]

I've been attending a lot of "Coping with the Holidays" support group meetings at the nearby Hospice. The attendees, regardless of who died, all basically are in a similar predicament. The general consensus might be that you are under no obligation to host a Christmas this year. They would probably say something like "I'm just not doing Christmas this year", or something to that effect.

It was special to you and your Mom, and you just can't bring yourself to do it. If you still wish to out of reverence to your Mom, there is no reason why your Dad has to be there. He never was before, correct? So why involve him now, especially with his wife there, who was responsible for the marriage to break-up?

You are the host, you pick the invitees. The others in the family can host him. His wife can host something at their place.

This will all give you time to figure out next year.

[KittyLove]

Maybe you could gather your siblings for a special night at your house for a couple of hours and have a special Xmas just for you guys. That way you dont have to have any of the well intentioned in laws interfering, you can talk about your mom and you can remember where your 'base' is with the core family members.

Have the wine on hand & make sure you buy premade snacks so the stress is minimal.

HTH.

KL

[shell]

Kittylove,

That is an excellent idea!

Hugs, Shell

[Trudy1964]

Thanks all,

Please don't misunderstand me. I love my Dad. But my Mom took care of me. We are going to have the gumbo. My Mom would be so mad at us if we don't have that. I guess no matter what we do, it's going to be supper tough this year. You guys all seem so strong. I wish I could just curl up in a corner and watch. No scratch that. I just don't wan't the holidays to happen. I just miss her so much. This really sucks.

Thanks to all who replied.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[lorikelly]

Trudy

the plate idea with the reciepe sounds great. i know it is hard right now. i feel it also, i to wish i could wake up and the entire yr be gone. i know i can't. i put up less decorations and a smaller tree, my boys and husband are ok with it. thank God. lori

[KittyLove]

Trudy--I know, the holidays are hard. All I have to do is see a commercial with ahappy family gathered around a table to throw me!....and that is almost every commercial right now!

I have run marathons before & I see this stretch of time as a marathon, not a sprint. Thank goodness there is a definite date this all this will let up and that Jan 2. We can all make it 'till then for sure. Each day takes us one step further through the holidays.

The part that gets me is the just pain of loss which has no definite time period.

Have a good day.

KL

[Trudy1964]

Thanks for all your kind words,

I am so sorry you guys are all going through the same thing but it sure helps to know that I am not alone. I just can't seem to see my way through all this. Tomorrow night we will tackle putting the ornaments on the tree. I'm sure that will bring on a migraine. Definately many tears. I just feel so sad. I had a really bad night last night and today also. I almost didn't go to work. I know I have to decorate that stupid tree for my kids. They still need Christmas. I just want to run away. Thanks for giving me a shoulder.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[aeval]

Trudy,

First let me say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you lost you beloved mother, and I'm sorry you have to face this festive season without her. I understand how you're feeling. I have no decorations in my house, not even a tree. I can't even stand to think of the holiday. I was also always in my mom's corner and am facing the possiblity of having dad around for the holidays. (He's laying on a guilt trip, and I lack the backbone to say "no.")

I don't know how we're suppose to get through our first Christmas without our moms. This weekend I'm going to my friend's annual party. Last year I took my mom with me. She met many of my friends for the first time. Just sitting around with the same people at the same place, I know I will feel her absence heavily. Not to mention how hard Christmas day with the in-laws will be (she would have been there with us.)

This is the first year that I won't be picking out her presents or making a stocking for her. I feel like I need to do something for her/in honor of her but I don't know what. I think your idea for the recipe plate is lovely. What a beautiful memorial to your mom. I hope I think of something to do that's even half that special.

I didn't mean to talk about my own stuff so much in this message, but your post really captured a lot of how I'm feeling.

Here's hoping we all get through it as best as we can.

-Aeval

[Trudy1964]

Thanks Aeval,

Don't think of it as talking about yourself and your situation. It's sharing. That's what we do here. I am also so sorry for the loss of you Mom. It's amazing how things can change so fast, isn't it. Last night we tackled the 4 foot Christmas Tree. It was like closing the coffin all over again. I really don't know how I'm going to make it through this. Many years ago she gave me ornaments that she didn't want anymore. They are probably about 25 years old. When I hung them on the tree, I thought I was going to stop breathing. I don't know how my heart is still working because it is broken in two pieces.

Christmas Day - I'm not sure. I'm just trying to disassociate myself with the holiday as much as I can. I'm going eat a big lunch on Monday the 25th. I don't know how much good that will do me. I just want them all to go away.

Thanks Aeval. I will keep you in my prayers.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[Sandra-T]

Trudy, I also feel this same way about the holidays. I have 3 granddaughters though, and I am forced to go through with some Xmas stuff, for them. I can't believe that there could even be a Christmas without Mom, she was such an integral part, and other than the little ones, cared the most for the holidays of anyone I know. I could not even believe myself shopping today without getting her something. This is all too horrible. Her death was predicted but went faster than planned and left us all floundering. I thought we would have her this last Christmas. It hurts, in every possible way. I'm sorry for your loss, and Lets all wish eachother a good January 2.

Sandra

[Trudy1964]

Same to you Sandra. Sounds like our situations are very simuliar. Mom found out she had cancer. 3.5 weeks later we lost her. When I think back how fast things went, I still feel like I'm in a tornado. I too have 1 granddaughter (2) and 2 daughters that (14, 15) Christmas has to go on for. Sometimes I think that's a blessing, sometimes I think not. It won't let me curl up in the hole where I want to go into. They have been very understanding about the limited decorations. I don't know where I would be without them or my hubby. I will keep you and everyone else at this site in my prayers. Maybe you could donate money to an organization in her name or something. I'm going to send some money to the hospice group that we had. That way I'm still giving her a Christmas present. And I'm still doing something for her. As long as I can do something for her, I'll be ok. When I can't do anything for her anymore, I just don't know. God Bless. Together we'll all get through this.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[lorikelly]

I want to scream from the mountain tops that i miss my mom. i want the whole world to hear me and know it. i just had to say that. feeling really down. lori

[Trudy1964]

Lori,

I am so sorry for your pain right now. You are not alone. As my teenagers say, "The holidays suck." I can't wait for them to be over. I'm sending you a big hug and a prayer.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[Laurie]

Lori, I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. You and your Mom must have been so close and loved eachother so much. Are you still avoiding taking any medicine? I know you said you don't like to, but the Wellbutrin and Xanax are really helping to calm me. I'm still hurting alot, but I am crying less and have stopped freaking out--screaming. Christmas shopping is hard. Went the first time to Target today for the X-Box 360. I rewarded myself by going to Barnes and Nobles and looking through some books on loss and healing, while eating a biscotti and some frothy vanilla-cinnamon coffee concoction for $5!!! Take care of yourself. I'm sure you're boys are getting excited about Christmas. I know it's hard, but try to get into it a little bit. I'm not in the mood either, and I haven't decorated except for the tree someone left on my front porch. My oldest son brought it in and set it up, and the two younger ones decorated it. I want to buy a special angel ornament for Sean and hang it on the tree. I hope you're feeling better soon. Love, Laurie

[lorikelly]

thanks everyone.

Laurie , i still haven't filled the rx for the lexapro, i may actually do that today. i am just so afraid of it making me sick. i have to really work on myself to take this. i won't start (if i do) until next thurs b/c then i am off from work until the following tues. this way if i don't feel great i will be able to be home. the exhaustion is killing me. i am taking ambien to sleep but still don't feel rested. i also am taking my zanax as needed. i am just so scared. i have alot of errand to do today so i will force my self not to go back to sleep.

Lori

[Trudy1964]

Lori,

Depression takes everything out of you. It's exhausting. I am on ambian for sleeping at night. Sometimes I still don't sleep when I take it. I was taking that for about 2 months before I was taking lexapro. I starting taking lexapro a month after seeing a conselor. He STRONGLY suggested I get on it. I was having migraines 5-6 days out of 7 and was severly depressed. I still feel sad. After decorating the tree with my kids Wed. night I thought I was having a break down. I almost call my Counselor with a SOS. I didn't want to take anything at first. Thought I could do it on my own because my Mom didn't take anything. She was so strong. Somedays I don't want to get out of my house. Somedays I don't want to talk to people. My heart is still broken into two seperate pieces but now I can take care of my family. I didn't have any side effects. I don't know what the coming days will bring but I am not looking forward to them. I HATE the thought of being around happy people on Christmas Day. We may even stay home. Not sure yet. Take care of your self.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[shell]

Lori,

I also take Lexapro and don't have any side effects from it. Don't be afraid...just take care of yourself. Like Trudy said, I'm still sad, but I can take care of things. And I don't have anxiety attacks anymore (actually the reason my doctor put me on it in the first place). Good luck.

Hugs,

Shell