A Step?

[JennO]

Hi Everyone...I don't why today, but tonite I took off my wedding band and engagement ring. I love them and my wedding band had both our birthstones in it...such a reminder of love. I feel a little shocked by my sudden desire to take them off, but it felt right. At fourteen months into my grief process, I am constantly amazed at how few things I understand...my reactions, some of my emotions, some of my decisions...and how out of character so many of these things are for me.

Today marked seven years to the day that Jeff proposed and on my way to work today, the airport that Jeff used to work at had a sign posted and a small airplane promoting a new flight school. Funny...that airplane was the one Jeff refurbished over ten years ago at that very same airport for that very same flight school owner...but with another company...

Weird how it all happens.

[kayc]

Jenn,

Try not to be surprised...grief manifests itself in many forms and so does the process of healing...we do what we have to do to survive. I took my band off a long time ago...it was just too painful to look at. Others will never take theirs off because they couldn't bear to be without it...neither one is right or wrong, just different ways of dealing with what we have to deal with. We all support each other in our differing ways, we understand how hard everything is!

[dpodesta]

I have heard you will know when it is the right time to do things, I just recently had Karen's sister and Niece's go through her clothes and pick what they wanted. I still wear my wedding band on my left hand and have hers on a necklace around my neck. Eventually I know I will be ready to take it off, I just don't know when. When I do decided it is time, I am thinking of moving it over to my right hand, it is just too nice of a ring to just not wear.

Derek

[LarrysGirl]

It is so ironic that this topic came up, yesterday I had my ring off while cleaning and looked at my hand, actually stared at my hand and how empty that felt. I could not bear that right now, no ring. I will still wear mine and when the time feels right, if ever, then that day will come to take it off. Not now for me but certainly right for anyone in this grief if it is time for them. I'm just glad we all can say how we each feel and not feel judged or critized. We all just support each other in this journey and I am thankful. Deborah

[Dusky]

Jenno,

Its a very persoanl matter making a decision to stop wearing rings that symbolised your union. The rings we shared are still part of me at this point - much like Derek - mine on my finger and Jacks around my neck. Perhaps some day I will have a wonderful thought and know just what to do with them both - until then they remain as is.

Something similar to that occured to me a few dayas ago with all the pillows and blankets that Jack had died on. They had been in my bedroom (in a corner) for the last 16 months - I did not have the heart to do anything with them. Then suddenly I was at a store and saw a beautiful Antique looking Trunk. I bought it and now these items are still in the bedroom - but inside a beautiful - now keepsake - trunk.

Perhaps our rings have some kind of similar journey - when the time is right. You just know when its right when it comes from your heart.

Love to you - and all the wonderful people on this site,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[missingcharlie]

Jenn - That is one step I can't deal with yet...if ever. I am one of those that may NEVER take off my rings, but as the others have said, if it's good for you...then do it.

I've just now decided that I'm OK with taking Charlie's clothes out of my closet. I'm going to get some of the plastic containers and get those put away before Christmas. It's been 2 years for me....

I am wish for peace and contentment for all of us during the holidays.

Hugs to all of you!!!!

Patti

[JennO]

It is interesting how much we change during this process. I felt different today without my ring. There is a serious indent on my finger from both my rings and I replaced that space with a ring I had made last Christmas for all of my sisters and I. It has a ribbon of stones around it..rubies (Jeff's birthstone) sapphires (our son's and my birthstone) and diamonds (just because they are so pretty) It felt weird looking down at it today at work. However, in a small way...it was a step of moving on. I too, Derek, plan to wear my engagement ring on my right hand, but since I am right handed, I have to have it enlarged a bit. But today it was ok to be without it. I cleaned it well last night and place both rings in my jewelry box . I kept going back and looking at it before bed..and even got out of bed to just look at them. Weird...but I needed to do it.

Tonite I was talking to my mom and I told her I removed the rings...I don't think this one will be a broadcast message however. I am also struggling with my house and what to do..I am having a lot of trouble affording it. I realized as I was talking to her today, that I am just not ready to get rid of it yet. I am hoping my mortgage company will help me reduce my payments for a while and I am looking for a roommate. Even if that means six more months. Maybe I will be ready then.

I have always been a focused, driven and successful person. This experience, although I wouldn't wish it on anyone, is teaching me to be patient with myself. I am allowing myself to just be and not rush into the next big decision.

I so appreciate all your comments. I have been quiet for a while and have been reading all your posts...it was time for me to observe and not talk...but please know I am always thinking of all of you.

Something I heard tonite too....this holiday I have chosen to adopt a family to provide Christmas for them. I don't have thousands, but what I do have, I am going to provide a good meal and a few presents. We have all have a rough year and I am hoping that giving will help me realize I do have blessings...most especially my precious little boy I am able to come home to every day!

Have a good night everyone..

[kayc]

Jenn,

I think your idea about adopting a family to give presents to is a good idea...esp. since we don't feel so festive ourselves, maybe we can at least help someone else to be.

I think if you can keep your house a few more months, that's a good idea. At least it'll bide you some time to make the decision you can live with. The best to you!

[KarenH]

Hi Jenn,

Last summer I combined our two rings into one and now wear it on my right hand. My engagement ring is an antique setting and I had it cut and sodderered onto Paul's band and fitted to my finger. I love it...we are still one in a tangible way. It was hard to do, though don't get me wrong. I also participated in in food basket and gifts for a needy family, it does make you feel good. I keep telling myself there's always a worse story out there than what I'm enduring. It was a year for me on the 10th, so Christmas has pretty much been ruined forever, helping someone else does ease the pain a bit.

Take care,

karen

[STOO]

Jenn,

It is a big step - removing your rings. I hope that, for you, it means that you are healing and dealing with your loss. IT felt right to you, so it was right.

[AnnC]

My ex and I were divorced more than 20 years ago because he was gay, but we remained friends on and off during those years, and especially during the 19 months of his illness, we were very close friends. When he died, his heirs gave me my rings back. (He had given me his mother's wedding rings with his grandmother's diamond, so when we divorced I gave them back to him as family heirlooms.) I wear the wedding band on the second finger of my left hand and my engagement ring on the third finger of my right hand, and I plan to always wear them in memory of him. But my wedding finger is bare. It's interesting, because his boyfriend told me as far as he was concerned, I should wear the rings on my wedding finger, because he knew my ex loved me. But I feel the way I wear them is right for me, although it warmed my heart that his boyfriend is so generous to me.

I have known widows and widowers who wore the rings on their right hands, left them on their left hands, or had them made into pendants to wear around their necks. Or just kept them in a jewelry box, or passed them on to a child. Whatever works for you is the right thing to do.

Ann

[dpodesta]

It has been over 8 months for me and I am still wearing my wedding ring on my left hand. At some point I will move it over to my right hand. When my son is old enought then he will get both mine and Karen's rings. I agree you do what you feel is right for you and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

Love Always

Derek

[JennO]

well..it has been nearly a week or two and I have decided I am having my engagement ring sized to fit my right hand. I don't need to wear it, but I want to. For me, my wedding band is sacred and will remain as is with our inscription untouched. Funny enough, the inscription reads...forever and a day. Jeff's band is inscribed with ...more than O2(oxygen)..

I had to attend a christmas party at my son's daycare. It is an inhome daycare that is much more like family than daycare. I am surprised to say about halfway through, I just wanted to crawl under the carpet. The other four parents were there as couples with their kids. Everyone was talking about how excited the kids were and they were about the holiday and the time with family. It struck me that I am not and I haven't enjoyed the holiday, but I didn't realize I wasn't participating. Sure, I had Rory's picture taken with Santa, we have our tree up and the house decorated, but I am working so much I haven't really enjoyed anything. I am not shopping much since I have chosen to make a donation to a local charity in lieu of gifts, but I am struck by my deep sadness that has just been sitting there...in the background...not aware of it really.

Last night Rory knocked over and broke into about ten pieces a ceramic Christmas tree. Well, one of the branches of that tree held my engagement ring when Jeff proposed seven years ago. I held it together and didn't yell at him...a friend was here....and figured I would fix it. He's fifteen months old..he didn't realize what he was doing. What it has unleashed is an awful sadness since then.

How unexpected this is...

[kayc]

Jen, I am so sorry, I know you must be feeling a real loss. Everything that we lose that was connected with them makes us feel it afresh. Glue it together, it still means just as much, whole or broken.