New Here And Trying To Accept

[pebbles]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this and I am trying to accept that my dad is dying. I am having a real hard time and its worse because they live in Arizona and I am in the midwest. Anyone have any suggestions? It feels as tho I am watching someone elses life...denial, anger, fear and sadness. So overwhelming!!!

[AnnieO]

Pebbles,

I don't know that I can offer any help. I just lost my mom a few weeks ago and I too am losing my dad. I know how hard this is and how sad you must feel.

The only thing I know that helped with losing my mom was when we knew we would lose her, I spent as much time as I could with her and I told her all the things I wanted her to know. I look at that time as a gift. We laughed, cried , held eachother and said good-bye. It was the hardest thing I have done, but the one thing that I will always treaure. I told her she was such a good mom and my best friend. I told her all the "good"in me, I got from her.

So, my wish for you is to spend time with your dad and make sure you get the chance to tell him all the things you want him to know. Take care.

[shell]

Pebbles,

AnnieO gave you some wonderful advice. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and died a month later. He went downhill so fast there was no doubt to any of us that he wouldn't be around for long. Luckily, he was at home and we (my mom, brother and I) could be around him all the time. I think being away from the situation would actually be harder in some ways. If you're there, you are so tired and busy you become numb and so your mind is somewhat distracted by all that taking care of someone requires. Being away, as you are, gives you much more time to think and feel all those emotions. However, you would feel them eventually, one way or the other, so maybe dealing with them now will help you later. Anyway, I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is to go through this. Just try to hang in there and spend as much time with him as you can manage. Oh, and welcome to the board.

Hugs,

Shell

Edited January 5, 2007 by shell

[pebbles]

Thanks so much for your replies. I get out to my parents as often as I possilby can these days and I was fortunate to be able to go for Thanksgiving and Chritmas. Bittersweet though....I am so glad I found this board and look forward to being a part of this...thanks again!

[Trudy1964]

Pebbles,

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Watching my Mom die is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my 42 years of life. God gave us 3 weeks with her after we learned her diagnosis. We spent every waking minute with her. Be it on the phone or in person, do what you can. That's what we did. I'm glad you found this place too. I didn't find it until after my Mom passed. It sure would have helped me if I had found it earlier.

I'll be keeping you and your Dad in my prayers.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[MartyT]

Dear Pebbles,

We're all so very sorry to learn that your dad is dying ~ but we are here to support you as you travel through the difficult days ahead.

I invite you to read the messages in these particular threads:

My Dad Passed 10 Years Ago, My Mom is Leaving Now.

I Can't Tell Them

See also Should I Tell My Dad He's Dying?

[jc1030]

Pebbles,

Sorry to hear about your dad.

All I can suggest to you is at this point if possible try to spend as much time with him as possible or talk to him as much as possible. My father died suddenly of a stroke and I never had the chance to talk to or spend more time with him before it happened; I'm still very sad knowing he was ripped away from me so quickly.

Jeff

[Paul S]

I second what Jeff said. My Dad died in 1995 and my last conversation with him was an argument. Not that that is likely with you and your Dad, but still talk to him about anything. Create some more memories, even if over the phone (or email).

P.S. When I had the argument with my Dad, we did not know he would die soon. He wasn't well, but we all thought he would pull through.

[missing rick]

Dear Pebbles, I too am new here. When my mom was diagnosed she was given 6 weeks to live and wanted to die at home. She was determined to live the six weeks as my only nephew was getting married Aug 13/05 and she was determined to be at that wedding. I wonder sometimes if it is better to know in advance or to have a sudden death where there is no anticipation. I know we cared for her - my dad, me and my two sisters. One was not able to do as much as she wanted because of the wedding. It was very difficult to see her become frailer each day and the day she first had to use her "depends" a kind of diaper tore my heart out. She did not make it to the wedding, she was just too sick and she died at home peacefully the day after. We did have a wonderful chance to talk about her life, if there were things she regretted and would have changed, how much we loved her and how she would never really leave us. She was so strong- I only saw her cry once in that 6 weeks. She totally believed that she was going to a better place. I am grateful for the time we had with her and the things that were said. Even if you can't be there in person you can always call him. Your dad knows how much you love him and how you would be there if you could. I lost my husband to cancer 10 months later. He was diagnosed one month after my mom died. I began grieving for him right then as his cancer was stage 4. That anticipatory grief is so hard especially because you don't want them to give up what hope they have. My husband was so hoping for a few more years. This time tho made our marriage so much stronger, we talked , remembering the good and the bad. We were married for 35 years and he was 57. I was and still am totally devastated not knowing which to grieve for. I should stop babbling and just tell you enjoy what time you have with your dad - you still have time to make more meaningful memories and you won't regret things were left unsaid. I'll be thinking of you and your family Jane

[LoriS.]

Pebbles,

Didn't you go to see your dad a couple weeks ago? How was he doing? And how are you doing?.

Please let us know.

Jane (missing Rick)

I feel so sad for your losses and how hard this must be for you. We're all here to listen.

Hugs to everyone...Lori