An Apology To A Caring Person And Her Real Friends

[WaltC]

This issue has been bothering me ever since I was dumb enough to post a message related to a wonderful person that has provided me and many others with understanding and support on these boards.

This person, whose spouse died about the same time as mine, was recently remarried. She posted about her happiness about the new relationship and many of her real friends here offered their sincere congratulations and wished her well!

I was stupid and inconsiderate and instead expressed my sadness over thinking that anyone could ever even think about “replacing” a deceased spouse. I offer my age as an “excuse” for such behaviour, but that just doesn’t “cut it”!

I wish that I could take back/erase my comments, but it is too late now. Fortunately, I think she understands where I was coming from, even though she doesn’t agree with me. She is still a young lady and should not have to live the rest of her life alone.

I dreamed of my Jeannie last night and she was NOT happy with my behaviour! She wants me to aplogize immmediately and I always try to do what she asks.

I quote from an excellent book The Heart of Grief by Thomas Attig [Death and the Search for Lasting Love – ISBN 0-19-515625-0]

“Those who have died…want us to live well after they die. They hope that we will thrive, find purpose and meaning in life, succeed, be happy, know joy and love – and they tell us as much...They want us to hold dear the good in their lives, and to cherish what they have given. We fulfill those desires lovingly as we treasure their legacies and grant them places in our hearts.”

Good friend, and her friends here too, please accept my heart-felt apology and my sincere best wishes for you and your new husband. I hope life goes well for you – you certainly deserve a great future! Your help and support here have helped me and MANY others immensely!

[MartyT]

My dear and precious Walt,

I speak only for myself, because I know your apology is not directed solely at me ~ but I need to tell you this: I do not expect nor do I require an apology from you for anything you have said or done here, although I humbly accept it from you if that is what you need to do. You are not a stranger here; we know your circumstances well because, from the very beginning, you have been open enough and honest enough to share your story and your pain with all of us. We have come to love you dearly as a cherished member of our family, and we accept you unconditionally, exactly as you are. Like everyone else here, at any given moment you are exactly where you need to be, we know that you are doing your best, and that is all we can expect of you. You address your apology "to a caring person and her real friends," as if you are not among those friends. But you are still among us, Walt, with all our human frailties ~ and you are still our friend, just as we continue to be yours. I am reminded of this saying:

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.

[Trudy1964]

Walt,

I'm not in your shoes so I didn't respond to this situation. I read the postings everyday. I'm here because I lost my Mom in July. The most important thing about this site is everyone can be honest. When reading your reply, there was such emotion and pain involved. We all know you were speaking from the heart. Everyone's circumstances are different. Everyone deals with their pain differently also.

I have to tell you that your latest posting made me smile. Your Jeannie must have been quite a character. It made me laugh that she was scolding you in your dreams. I would have loved to have known her. It takes a big man to apologize. You guys were a great couple. I can see why you are so dedicated to her. Rarely, do two people find love like that.

Missing my Mom,

Trudy

[lorikelly]

No need for a apology. we are all friends here and always will be. Lori

[kayc]

Walt,

No need to ever apologize for expressing exactly how you feel, you have always been tasteful in your delivery. We continue to be a family here and I hope you continue to post and feel free to share what you are feeling...it's not good to bottle it up nor to ever feel we have to pretend to be feeling anything other than what we are. I, for one, love and appreciate you.

KayC

[missing rick]

Dear Walt, I am new to this and I only joined 2 days ago so I don't know your age or the circumstances of your wife's death. I just lost my husband Rick to lung cancer 7 months after diagnosis on June 18/06. I miss him more than I can ever tell you. I'm sure you know all of those deep feelings. I understand why you felt this person was replacing their husband but I think that she is just in a different place in her grief then we are. My ultimate goal I think is to heal this deep pain I feel and to for me find a reason that I am still here. We,I have been told, all heal in different ways and in different amounts of time. Personally I feel that you never "get over" your loss , that you just learn how to live with it your way. I came to this site because I need a place to express how I truly feel. A lot of my friends seem to think that I should "be over" it by now and don't really want to talk about it any more - even my children seemed to have moved forward better than I- one is 27 and one 30. I am learning however that a loss of a parent is much different as I lost my mom on Aug 15/05 and at that time thought that it was the hardest thing I had ever dealt with - she was 75 and died six weeks after her diagnosis. The dealth of Rick is so much more difficult for me than that of mymom. I am 55 and we had been married for 35 years and together for 5 before that - he was with me for 40 of my 55 years and I can't imagine a life with anyone else or one alone either. My future looks pretty bleak right now. I don't think you need't apologise for your feelings because that was how you felt and you are free here to say what you are feeling without being judged. Personally the way I'm thinking now is that I would never want another husband because the pain of losing one is so great. I realize also that a new husband would never "replace" Rick and that age wise I could never have the history and the great amount of memories that we shared with anyone else. I feel that I have met you now and hope that you will forgive yourself for your comments. Iam so new that I don't know if this will get to you. I hope it does. Jane

[WaltC]

Dear Walt, I am new to this and I only joined 2 days ago.... I am so new that I don't know if this will get to you. I hope it does. Jane

(((Jane)))

Thanks for taking the time to write, so early in your journey of grief. I am sorry for your loss of Rick in June 2006 - I am sure that you miss him a lot and that it has not been easy for the past few months. I do hope it is getting a little easier for you and your children. 40 years of togetherness is not easy to forget or "get over".

My wife, Jean, died from liver cancer in April 2005, just about 99 days after the initial diagnosis. We had been married for over 40 years and she "just" turned 59 two days before she died. Our two children are now adults and also miss their mom.

I felt that I should apologize to another person that I first "met" here, because I should have known better! Of course she was not replacing her husband, who had died around the same time as my Jeannie. It was mean of me to even suggest that, and I apologize to her. Even in our grief it is important to remember, as you wrote, - we all heal differently with our losses.

Thanks again for your comments - they are appreciated.

[Charlie]

Dear Walt,

Like you I was married to my Charlie for over 40 years, this Feb 22 would have been our 49th wedding anniversary. And like you I cannot imagine myself with any one else, but each one of us get thru this in a different way and I applaude you for understanding this. We are all in this like the rest said, "a family" of lost souls trying to find our way back to life again. I know for me I will never marry again amd never have that kind of love in my life again, but each of us deal with the lonliness differently and if one finds love again I am so very happy for them and I know you are too.

You have been a great friend on this site and a great support to many of us so you have nothing to appoligize for.

Your friend

Grace