Helping A Friend

[walleye205]

Hello everyone,

This is my second post and I certainly don't want to post every little thing...but something happen this weekend and I wanted to get some insight from this group.

Here's my question:

When my father past a lot of freinds and family were very kind and tried to help as much as possible, but the one thing everyone kept saying was "if you need anything please let us know" after hearing that about 50 times I think I started to get tried of hearing that and promised I'd never say that to anyone going through the same thing. I'd rather DO something than say something.

Question: One of my good golf buddies lost his wife Sunday morning very quickly and she leaves behind 3 boys (12 yr, twin 8 yr olds) and I was wondering from you guys, if anyone did something that was really helpful, that really made a difference. I'm going to give my love and support and pray for the family that's already a given, I was hoping to do more, if someone had a suggestion.

Thanks,

Walleye

[AnnetteAZ]

Food was a very helpful and thoughtful gesture. As was help with the small chores around the house (anyone can dust and vacuum or do a couple loads of laundry). Most importantly, these gestures are even more helpful and appreciated weeks and months from now. With all those boys to care for he'll probably need help he never imagined. You are a wonderfully kind friend to have in such awful circumstances. It was actually 3 months after my loss that I started really feeling the effects of not having my mate there to do all those things I never even thought about. That's when I wish all those well-meaning people had offered.

AnnetteAZ

[jc1030]

Walleye,

When my father died at the end of October, my parents' neighbors offered their help, whether it was someone to talk to, or to help run an errand. They also bought and made food for my mom. Maybe things like this can be a starting point for you. Hope this helps.

Jeff

[LoriS.]

Walleye,

Food is of course a big help. See if your friend needs you to take the boys to the movies or to their sports activities, so he can get some alone time to get things done if he needs to. Helping out with the kids is so important at this time. Just being there for your friend to talk to is so good, too!

Hope this helps you...Lori

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

You might also find the information listed on this page of my Grief Healing Web site helpful:

Helping Someone Who's Grieving

[kayc]

I know what you mean about people sayng "If there's anything you need..." People said that to me too and when I tried to take them up on it they disappeared. My church scheduled a work party at my house and no one showed up.

What meant a lot to me was:

People who listened when I needed it.

People who brought meals in.

My sister and daughter that made a million phone calls for me, escorted me to the crematory, helped me create a memorial display for my husband, helped around the house, and took me to town for groceries, etc. for the next couple of months until I felt I could do it on my own.

Our dear friend Dan that built the railing on my ramp that my husband had been in the process of rebuilding.

The elderly man that came up and weed-eated for me.

My son that picked up George's trailer and his work supplies for me and trained me on how to use the riding lawnmower.

My boss that said take the time you need and don't worry about it (I took two weeks off and he paid me anyway).

My boss' wife who made and put up flyers around town about the service.

The Church' secretary for helping me plan the service.

Our former minister and his wife who traveled three hours to hold the service (our minister and wife went on vacation).

And of course, all of those who sent money to help out. It's hard when your income is cut in half with no notice and bills are pouring in.

Not everyone has money, but some can do work and some can listen. It all helps!

Edited February 22, 2007 by kayc

[shell]

Walleye,

I have nothing to add to the help list because everyone covered it very well. I just wanted to say what a caring, genuine person you are to want to REALLY help instead of just saying it. Also, you said you didn't want to post "every little thing". I just wanted you to know that on here you can post anything...we dont care how little or big it is. If it's bothering you, tell us about it! I'm sure there are many of us who wish we had such a caring friend.

Hugs,

Shell

[lorikelly]

The main thing for me was someone to listen to me talk. not just tell me i will be ok, you have to go on and your mom is in a better place. the people that just let me cry and talk honestly meant the most to me. the food helped alot but that only came the first week, i could of used it the 4th week when i was really low. just always be there for him. lori

[Paul S]

Never underestimate the need for someone to talk to. If all you do is listen, share your ears and maybe a shoulder to cry on, that can be of immense help.

All the suggestions so far were great.