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I can't believe that 10 months has passed. I look back and wonder where did it go. It is so much a blur to me it isn't until recently that I have been able to start comprehending anything. I will say that I have started to feel that I can live life. I know in my heart that Karen wants me to be happy to live life again. It is so hard for me to hear that come from my mouth when just 10 short months ago I didn't want to live life at all. I finally got off of the anti-depressants, during the last month every part of me was telling me it was time. I wanted to wait unitl the year mark, but I couldn't ignore what my body was telling me so I talked to my doctor about it and we came to the conclusion it was time. I have been absent from postig for quite some time now, I have been reading the posts and every now and then throwing in a tidbit. I miss you all when I am not here and even though I may not post you all are constantly in my thoughts and prayers. I love each and every one of you. God bless and may we each feel God's peace as we travel down this road together.

Love always

Derek

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Hi Derek, It is nice to hear from you. I feel similarly, Monday was 11 months for me and I can't believe it either. I've been quiet too but always reading to see how everyone is doing. I have started feeling God's peace on this journey. Thank you for helping me along the way. You are in my prayers too. Kelly

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Derek

I am so happy to hear from you, i was getting worried. i am so happy that you want to live life again. that is what Karen would want and you have Carson. I pray that God continues you to help you on this journey. you are always in my prayers as is everyone on this site. God Bless Lori

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I am also glad to see that there can be light - I was starting to feel better but was on anti-depessants and the dr decided to change them and now feel that I am back in the hell where I first started. I have only been on the new ones for a week, and am worried that the side effects are bad now, how will I be when my dose it upped and I know he will do that as I as on the lowest posible dose. It has been 7 1/2 months and Marty told me that this is when some of the numbness and disbelief that this has happened to you start to wear off and reality sets in - maybe this bad time is partly that, partly the med change, my total lack of sleep -maybe 2 hrs a nite, and just that I still can't believe he is gone. My house is so lonely, just me and the dog, yet I don't feel comfortable with my friends who all still have their husbands/wives. They try to understand and always want to include me but being with them hurts as it makes me realise I am alone now --make any sense? They would be hurt if they knew also that I feel like a 5th wheel. I also miss having somebody here to talk to about all the things we used to talk about. I do talk to his picture but would like an answer every now and then..I know I sound crazy but that is how I'm feeling this past week. I don't know if the meds are doing it but my feet and ankles are so swollen it hurts to walk. Thanks everyone for caring and I am truly happy for those who are coming out of what I call that dark never ending tunnel Jane

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Hi everyone

I sounded bad earlier this afternoon but I am a little happy right now. A man just called to tell me that he can convert all of our home made vhs tapes to dvd and also a really old one (dating myself with this) beta tape my sister had made of our family from mom and dad's wedding in 1950 to 1970 - the year before Rick and I married. This was just pictures set to music, but haven't seen it for so long it will be nice to see it again, especially with mom now gone. I remember the Christmas my sister gave it to me, I sat and watched it, tears flowing - thinking of the day perhaps that one of us wouldn't be here. With Rick's videos I think they only last from 1990 to 1994,that's probably when we got our first digital. he made many dvd's of special occasions, all set to suitable music with our digital cameras --very special to have now. Also his voice will now never be lost, as it is on all the vhs tapes. Maybe now I can take his message off the cell phone. I couldn't do it -- just didn't want to lose that voice. I still call it over and over just to hear him. On second thought may not change that yet, but is it fair to friends to call and have him answer?? Who cares, I am beginning to think of me - my grief group leader says be gentle with yourself, maybe it's time I took her advise.\\ More good news, my son just called as I was writin this and he passed the first part of his next flying course. He is going for the multi-engine and instrument rating. Before he can take the flying part he had to taken a written part and that is what he passed - his exam was today - now he can put in the flying hrs (the expensive part) but he is proud, I am so proud of him and Rick would also be as he really wanted Kelly to continue his flight training. I think he must have been with him today - I talked to Rick about it last nite. Definitely feel better - I think I will even go visit some friend who are fishing in their ice shack. Hope that every one gets a pick me up today like I just did. Prayer truly does help love Jane Something funny - when I called the ice shack people I asked if they knew the dvd guy and if his wife had died. I thought maybe she had but didn't want to say the wrong thing when at his home yesterday - they asked if I was "interested" in a new man - I started to laugh as that is the last thing on my mind - I still want Rick - and don't think I could go thro a loss like this again - does show how little they understand tho, you can't replace your husband like you might your dog, with a new puppy.

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It is good to hear from Derek again. I really think the year of "first without" is the hardest...going from shock and numbness and your whole world reeling...to realizing you are left alone and everything's changed, your plans and dreams are forever gone. It's a whole lot of adjustments to go through. There is a book called "Beauty from Ashes" and I think sometimes that's what I'm left trying to do, build something from out of the loss and waste that's left of my life. Anyway, I'm trying, it's hard.

Jane, glad to hear about your news. I wish I could have saved my husband's voice, but I remember it vividly, it was one of the things that attracted me to him.

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Hi there Derek!

I too haven't been posting, but I check in every now and then, and read some posts. It will be 8 months for me losing Mom, on 2/14/07. I still miss her very much.

I am so glad to hear that you are doing better. I think I am too, but I still have my moments...like looking at the card section at the store today.

I have been dreaming alot lately about "old times". I have been dreaming about Mom and other relatives that have passed away. I talked to my husband today, and I think I need to get a job. I am thinking it will make me feel needed somewhere! I don't know, we'll see. I am going to think about it for a while.

Take care everyone, and keep in touch. It is so nice to be able to come back here, and just talk. It's like having good, old friends, that will never leave you, no matter what kind of day we're having. It's being able to just "drop in" and say Hi, with no judgment about where you've been, or why you haven't written. Does that make sense?

I hope everyone is doing better, each day.

Sincerely, Kim

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