I Feel So Numb

[lyn]

today is exactly 1 week since my beloved husband died. the pain is so fresh..but most of the time, i feel so numb. i struggled each day to wake up. we have shared so much, shared our lives, our thoughts, our dreams, our deepest feelings, next month would be our wedding but we already feel very married with each other, he is my husband and my very bestfriend..i never thought i could feel love this way. it feels so good loving him, being so in love with each other..enjoying each other's company..supporting and caring for each other. i feel a terrible emptiness..an indescribable hollowness. he died days before we will meet..we have so much dreams for our future..of having our family, our little paradise. i was in deep shock when his brother informed me of his death. it is terrible. both our family knew how much we love each other and how much we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. they are all very supportive of us.

i feel this terrible numbness..but every night i can feel him hugging me, comforting me in my sleep. i can remember so well the night before he died, we talked on the phone and told each other how much we love each other. we have expressed our love in so many ways, we are so proud of our relationship, of our closeness, i have always been thankful to God for finding him. but now, i feel this deep emptiness..this unbearable pain..

i wish i will wake up from this terrible nightmare. i love him very much, i love my baby so much...i miss him terribly..i need his strength badly.

[karenb]

I'm so sorry. You didn't have hardly a chance. Your pain must be terrible. It's good you have support. Nothing much can help you right now but you have people here who are going through the same things you are and that might be some solace to you. You can't see it now but you will find, down this long road, that things will get better. Just try to fold this support around you and get some comfort from those people who loved you both. Take good care of yourself and stay with us here.

KarenB

[kayc]

Lyn,

It is always so terrible to learn that yet another person has to go down the same road that we have, the one of pain and and grief. We are here to listen to you and let you know that you are not alone in this, we've all been through it. I'm sorry you didn't get much time together. It sounds like you had a special relationship.

[Stallyn]

Lyn,

I am sorry this happened to you, I think the most important thing to know that you loved each other and now it will guide you. I was numb for two months after my wife died, I sometimes feel her presence around me which is a blessing, Please always when you need to express yourself, we are here for you..

Blessings,

William

[jess22]

Lyn

I am so sorry, Like you I lost my partner 3 months ago and still feel numb. I know that may not be a consolation but, you are at the right place here. I will keep you in my prayers and take each day as it comes.

Jessica

[lyn]

Thank you for your support and prayers. This site and all the wonderful people here has been helping me a lot as i read through their different responses. May God be with us always on this very difficult journey.

[vddawk]

Hi Lyn, mine will be gone 3 weeks tomorrow and I count evry day that I don't get to see him. I hurt so bad sometimes i can hardly stand it, but like you I feel him with me somtimes. I feel like our bond was so tight that he could never really leave me completely. I was 16 when I married him and the love I had for him no one will ever really understand. I'm trying to hang on but it's so hard.

[lyn]

it is very hard, it is my 3rd week too. everyday, it feels like there is a big lump on my throat, and i couldnt control myself from crying. most of the time, i wish that i died with him, so i will not be able to feel this terrible pain i am feeling. yes, i am taking it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.. i dont know how long i can hold on. the wound is just too deep..

[karenb]

Yes, I remember so well. It's now about two years later and it really has been just one step after the other but, believe it or not, it does get better. I so much love my husband but the pain has mellowed and I am beginning to look at things better. Just know that it does get better no matter how much time it takes for you and that doesn't matter. That pain will lessen and you will feel better. You need to go on, especially for the one that you lost. They still love us. Take care.

KarenB

[lyn]

thank you karen. last night before i sleep, i kept telling him over and over again if he could visit me in my dream. i am glad he did, this is the second time he came in my dreams since his death. those two dreams were so clear, i remember everything, i remember his clothes, what we did, and in those dreams, we were always holding each other's hands so tightly. we have a very special bond, he is my soulmate, i have waited for him all my life to come into my life, we shared a very sincere and deep love. i still couldnt fathom God's reason why we were not given the chance to be together..

[missingcharlie]

Lyn, Vddawk and Jess22 - I am a little bit further along in my grief process than even Karenb.... The 16th of this month will mark 32 months and I still miss my husband, Charlie, with all my being! I don't think we will EVER stop missing them but, as Karenb said, the pain does lessen. You all are still so early in your grief process that you can imagine that that will ever happen. I understand and remember the feeling. I cried all the time. Charlie and I loved each other dearly and had such a wonderful relationship - we had been together for just over 20 years and he was absolutely the best thing that ever happened in my life (outside of my daughter and gkids!) He was quite young(only 46) when he passed away and I wondered then(and still do) as to why we couldn't have had more time together.

After 2 1/2 years I still cry. Not like I did, but there are definate "triggers" that set me off. I feel so lonely most of the time and seeing happy couples together really bothers me. I am at a point, now, where I am really trying to get MY life back together. Charlie would want me to do that and to live out the life that has been designated to me. I have lots of support and that really helps. I hope you all have support from your families, too. It is key to getting through this long journey. Remember that WE are part of your "family" and we will help you get through this. I know it seems impossible, now, but I promise you that it will get better. It definately takes time, but just keep moving along even if it is one minute at a time. You have to remember that our loved ones would NOT want us to give up and that they are always around us for support. They still love us just as much as we still love them!

All of us here are here for you! We have all been in your shoes and we completely understand. Keep coming here and all of us will make it through these tough times.

Hugs to all of you!!!!

Patti

[kayc]

I can so relate to what you are experiencing. It has been over two years for me and I can honestly say it never entirely goes away, although you get more used to it (I think they call that adjusting?). My husband was my best friend and soulmate, we always understood each other and had faith in each other. He always knew the right things to do and say. He was the most caring person I ever met, he had such a heart for people. He was fun and easy to live with and so good with my kids. Most grown kids don't get close to their stepparents, but mine did, he loved them and was wonderful to them. My pain was so great, and the loneliness, that I remarried in an effort to rebuild my life. So far all that has done is intensify my loneliness and pain as it has compounded things. I am trying real hard but don't know what the outcome will be. I do know that the love George and I shared will always be and he comforts me when I am hurting, just knowing he's out there somewhere and that our love will never die. I love my new husband but everything that was wonderful in my previous relationship is almost non-existent in this one and it only intensifies the loss.

You mentioned that you cannot fathom why God didn't let you have more time together, boy, I sure don't know the answer to that one, I think we've all wondered that. I don't think it's because He doesn't care or He hates us, but I think there's some things beyond our understanding so maybe that's why He doesn't bother trying to explain Himself to us. I think it's very very common for people who had previously been close to God, to feel nothing now, or to feel distant from Him. That doesn't mean He's moved, but rather that we are having a hard time with what we perceive as His decisions. After all, a God of His abilities SURELY could have chosen to intervene, right?! But He lets things take their course so much in this world, I know He's in full control of heaven, but earth doesn't seem to work like that. I have to accept that the next world is better and once we finally get there, we will no longer have to deal with being separated, lonely, broken hearted. And we have to remember, THAT is where our loved one is! That is what they've already reached, and they're waiting for us! It helps me to remember that and be happy for them. It's just the here and now that's so hard for us to digest, all this pain.

Please do continue coming here, we go through this together, no matter how far we've come or how new this is, we are all here for each other. God be with you as you go through this...

love,

KayC

Edited July 10, 2007 by kayc

[lyn]

couldnt stop the tears from flowing as i read ur replies. i am 28, and yet i never would have imagined living my life without him, i love him so much, he is my soulmate and we have built our future together..only looking forward to spending the rest of our days together. i feel a little better knowing that his legacy will continue to live on..his family will sponsor some scholarships for underprivileged children. oh, i can imagine him smiling from heaven now. i will always see him in the eyes of those persons whose lives he touched. i love u baby..and i am so proud of u..we will be together someday.