I Just Can't Seem To Get A Grip

[Geri]

Hi

I'll just dive right in. My name is Geri. I don;t often have someone to talk to about things so I will try not to ramble. I am the listener for my circle. People don't realize that I to need someone to talk too.

I have experienced alot of death in the recent past, Most recently my friend Brenda, I was her care giver also. I don't recommend caring for a dying friend, although if I had to go back I'd do it again for her. Since she has passed I am lost, I can't seem to do anything I'm supposed to do. Really importent things. It seems like I just have to bury everything cause if it gets to close to the top I'mm going to lose it.

I have lost some very good friends and family in the past three years and it seems like Brenda was the last straw I don't know who I've grieved for or not or where to begin or what to do? Does any of this make any sense to anyone? I hope I'm not sounding to whacked.

Thanks for reading this

Geri

[AnnieO]

Geri,

I am glad you found this site. There are many,many good listeners here!

I am sorry for your loss. I just wanted to tell you how lucky your friend was to have you in her life. You are a strong and caring friend,and what you did for her cannot be put into words. I am sorry you are struggling right now, what is happening to you is normal. Take care of yourself and don't be too hard on yourself. Just take small steps and don't expect too much right now.

I hope you have a peaceful night.

[lyn]

Dear Geri,

Please feel free to express yourself on this site..it helps a lot to unload all those emotions. There are a lot of caring people here who truly understand what we are going through. Somehow, someday, we will also be able to find our way through this journey.

[shell]

Geri,

I'm sorry for your losses. In the past two and a half years I, too, have lost so many people, including my mom and dad. It seems like it was just one person after another...just too much! I think eventually you just lose your energy. I do what I have to, but sometimes it's a real struggle and there are days when I just can't cope with anything! As AnnieO told you, just take care of yourself and don't push yourself too hard. You can only handle so much and we have to take a break during times like this. And please come and talk here. It's important to get your feelings out and have some feedback, so you know you were heard!

Hugs,

Shell

[Geri]

Thanks for your responses.

I guess I know I'll sort this all out at some point and I know I will always be saddened by the loss of my loved ones and friends. Before Brenda I was no stranger to death but I had never seen anyone die of cancer. Now my burnig ? is,that there is no answer for is WHY SHOULD ANYONE HAVE TO SUFFER SO HORRIBLY?? WHY? AND I FEEL SO SELFISH AND GUILTY ABOUT BEING SUCH A MESS OVER THIS WHEN SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WENT THROUGH IT AND DIED.

[MartyT]

I FEEL SO SELFISH AND GUILTY ABOUT BEING SUCH A MESS OVER THIS WHEN SHE WAS THE ONE WHO WENT THROUGH IT AND DIED.

Yes, Geri, that is true, but your friend's suffering is over now, and you are the one who is suffering now. Such is the nature of grief. I think you will find, if you take the time to read through so many of the heartfelt messages posted here, that what you are feeling is normal and perfectly understandable under the circumstances. You may find it helpful, too, to visit this page of my Grief Healing Web site: Death of a Friend. So often in our culture this sort of loss is not recognized as significant, and unless you find yourself in the company of other mourners, you may end up feeling very isolated. We do not even have a word (like widow or widower) for those whose close friends have died. Coming here to share your feelings and reactions and reading about what is normal in grief ~ especially in the grief that accompanies the death of a dear friend ~ can be very comforting, as it will help you to feel less crazy and alone.

[Geri]

Thank You Marty

Ther are so many things that there are no words for. Its very scary to think that when you die it doesn;t take most people in your life very long to forget you it seems. I think how can it be so easy just forget such a beatiful soul such as Brenda. I guess since I was so close of course its different for me. Just being able to tell someone these thoughts helps. It brings alot of things to the surface though I'm going to short out my keyboard, all I can do is cry while try to unload all of this.

Thank You

[MartyT]

Geri, dear, you said, "Its very scary to think that when you die it doesn't take most people in your life very long to forget you it seems. I think how can it be so easy just forget such a beatiful soul such as Brenda."

I am reminded of these lovely words from Elaine Stillwell:

"If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing."

We have to find that special way that will allow us to sing our loved one’s song loud and clear . . . Knowing you are doing something to keep your loved one's memory alive keeps you passionately busy, allows you to tell your sacred story, adds joy to your heart, brings an array of beautiful, loving people into your life, and rewards you with a meaningful life again. Your loud voice will echo in many hearts making sure your loved one is never erased from memory.

[source: Elaine Stillwell, in "Singing Their Song," Grief Digest, Volume 2, Issue #4]

In the weeks and months ahead, as you continue to find your way through this grief journey that is uniquely yours alone, perhaps you can think about the ways that you could continue to sing Brenda's song. As long as you remember Brenda, and keep her memory alive, she will never be forgotten. You could begin simply by telling all of us what was so special about her . . .

[Geri]

Brenda was one of those people who gave love and humor and anything she had to give to anyone who needed it. She could always make you laugh whether you wanted to or not she knew you needed to. She was ready to face every day, She worked hard and said nothing of it. She was there if you needed her and she faced every day of her dying braver than I could ever imagine someone could.

Her death was a long,horrible and pain that there are no words for. This is what I don't understand, maybe there is no understanding. People say acceptance is the first step to getting on with the grieving process or life. Maybe its just me but I'm having a hard time with that. Believe me I want to get through this and stop whining, I'm just so confused.

[STARKISS]

Hi Geri,

I want to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your friend Brenda, I know that some friends are like family members and this makes it more awful in someways... I have loss many family members over the past six years and I can only imagine how awful it must be to go through what you are going through... I personally have a very hard time with trying to get a grip, I lost my favorite aunt in March of 2003... It was than I realized that life is so short we need to live it to the fullest... My favorite uncle who is married to the above person died five months later while I was having a good time at camp.... Than it was the year 2005 and we had planned a trip to Las Vegas for my graduation present and we left in April at the end of the trip we lost my dear mom.... Shortly after that in August of the same year I lost my dad to cancer... Now it is 2007 and another April has come and gone and we lost another great uncle who I admired so very much... I have not many friends so I have not been to many friends funeral so I really can not help with anything there except to say I am so very sorry for your loss Take care Shelley

[LoriS.]

Hi Geri,

I am so sorry about the loss of your friend. Marty's right about keeping the memory of our loved ones alive and if we do, they will always have a legacy. My best girlfriend from elementary school (I'm almost 50) almost died from complications from an emergency surgery in her abdominal area about 3 months ago. I don't know what I would have done if she died. I can't even imagine. What a dear friend you were to be Brendas caregiver. I'm sure it was hard. I'm glad you found this website. It saved my life when my mom past away last October.

Take care...Lori

[shell]

Geri,

Believe me, it's not hard to be confused when you go through something like you have. Please realize it's normal. Don't think you're losing it or anything like that.

The more time goes on, and the more I go through the rough times in life, the less I understand! And I guess you're right...we'll never understand, but it can make you confused and angry and feel like you're losing it. I finally had to just come to a place where I try not to wonder anymore. Doesn't make the pain any less, but I don't drive myself crazy trying to figure it out. My mom always said, "Everything happens for a reason" and I believe that. I will say that some things that have happened long ago, that didn't make any sense at the time, I can see now that, as bad as they were, there was a reason. Still lots of things I haven't seen that way, but it helps me to feel that maybe there is some reason that might not be as bad as we think. Jeez...this isn't making any sense, I don't think, but it's hard to put into words! Anyway, hang in there and I hope you can make some sense of this!

Big hug,

Shell

[Geri]

Hi Everyone

I don't know if anyone still checks here but I have had some computer problems thats why I have not responded to all of your very nice and helpful replies. I just got to resd them.

Last night Brendas husband brought over a few boxes of her things for he and I to go through. He is clesring out his storage. When he got here I thought Oh Boy Here we go I'm going to fall all apart again. But I didn't cry once ??? Now I think thats just weird. I felt like I should be a mess but, I was just numb or something ??? Now I think I'm really wacked.

I sure hope someone reads this I really need some insight on this.

Thanks

Geri

[julienne]

Geri-

You're not crazy; it's the brain's way of giving you a break. When I was organizing my mom's funeral, and months later going through some of her things, there were times I could deal with things without emotion. I would sort through and organize for awhile, and then WHAM! I would hit the invisible wall. Sometimes it was hours or a day later. It was like I couldn't make my hands work. Couldn't hang up her coat, throw away her magazine, or pick up an envelope out of the mail. I think your mind just hits overload and shuts down the emotions that have exhausted you.

My experience has been that the numbness comes and goes; and when you feel numb, you wonder why you aren't grieving! I think it's all part of the process. Trust me, you're not nuts. I've done some difficult things and had blunt discussions that later, I can't believe that I was able to do at the time.

You're not alone in this - keep in touch on how you're doing.

[shell]

Geri,

Julienne said it perfectly. You aren't crazy and I also believe it's your mind giving itself the break it needs. I also have dealt with things that I can't believe I did. And I did it by going numb emotionally. Then later I would fall apart and cry about it, but I got through it at the time. Hang in there and try to just float along with your emotions. Your friend sounds very special and she will always be in your heart and mind. That is an honor you can give her. She will always be with you.

Hugs,

Shell

[Geri]

Thank You for letting me lnow I'm not nuts. I finally got my computer up and back online.

Can anyone give any input on dealing with multipul problems all at once. I don't mean to be a whiner but I am in a very bad domestic situation and trying to deal with it and brenda and just life as it comes is just too overwhelming. I'm trying to figure out how to get out of my situation and I just don't have the where with all to do so. I know this is off the main subject and I hope I'm not out of line I just need some input. I am just so lost every day without a purpose.

Thanks

Geri

[shell]

Geri,

I sometimes find life overwhelming too and with too many situations to handle at once. I found that I had to start by spacing out things more, like not making appointments too close together or planning on doing only a couple chores a day. I also removed anything "toxic" in my life, such as friends who were making me more depressed and not providing support, just stress to my life. Anything I could remove that was making me feel worse instead of better and it's not easy. It really hurt me to have to end some friendships, but sometimes we have to just take control of our lives and do what's best for us. Unfortunately, I've found there aren't that many people who really care more about me than they do themselves, and so I have to care for myself, if I'm going to "make it" through this grieving.

I don't know what else to tell you except that you just have to sit down and think of what you can do to improve your life and then do it. I don't mean to make it sound easy or unsympathetic, just that if you take action on one thing and resolve it, the next problem will be easier and soon you you'll feel more in control. At least that's how I've solved some of this, so I'm just passing on my feeble advice. It can all be so overwhelming and that is one of the hardest parts of dealing with it. Good luck and keep posting.

Hugs and hang in there,

Shell

[Geri]

Shell

Your advice is far from feeble. Sometimes I get so stuck in the mire I don't know where to begin. You have given me some good reference points to concentrate on and I Thank You very much.

Take good care

Geri

[shell]

Geri,

You'll get there, don't worry! Just one day, one step at a time. And when you get bogged down, turn on the radio and dance or go for a walk, anything to just clear your mind and let out your frustrations. Good luck.

Hugs,

Shell

[Geri]

Hi

I try so hard to put into place or follow the great advise that I have been given here and I am very thankful for everyone who has responded to my posts. I just feel so alone and incapible of taking my life back from my situation and my sorrow for the death of my friend and my utter disbelief that anyone would have to go through something so horrible to die. I cannot in my wildest nightmares imagine what Brenda went through in her head as she felt her life slipping away accompanied by pain that there is no words for. I don't know how she just didn't go bonkers being so helpless and having absolutly no choice but to die. You would think that since I do have a choice that I would take advantage of that amazing luxury and have some mental fortitude to somehow get away from my present mess, but I am just so BLAHHHHHHHHHH. I want so much to be happy and move on from this part of my life. I know I'm probably repeating all the same stuff again and again but I am so appalled that I am where I am in my life and head I guess I don;t see a light at the end of this tunnel.

[shell]

Geri,

Life is so full of horrible things, isn't it? I have had pain and sadness in my life and it's been hard, but then I look at someone whose been through something much worse and I marvel at their courage and ability to rise above it and go on. I don't know the answer. I do know that it takes time....a lot of time to be able to move forward in some cases. And sometimes we just have to let it ride, and try to get through each day, and eventually some tiny glimmer of light will flicker once in awhile and you will feel that you will be on your way to healing. Your life will never be the same again, but you will be able to find some kind of way to deal with it. Give yourself time. I wish I had some "miracle" solution, but we just have to go through the pain in order to begin to heal, I'm afraid. Hang in there.

A big hug,

Shell

[rosanne]

I have been away for awhile. My husband had hip replacement surgery.

We were in a hospital about 2 hours from our home. When I drove into our home town from his hospital stay-the tears started.... My mom died as most of you know June 10th of this year and my dad is an invalid he depends totally on me an my brothers-

For one solid week, I have been mad- thrown two fits toward my husband... and have cried uncontrolably.... I feel like I have had a complete set back!! I had to rush my dad to the hospital yesterday- he just can not get his breath- now I am thinking he may have panic attacks, I don't know.... I am so tired, and drained, and it just seems like bad things just keep on coming... I don't feel like there is any happiness left in this life for me. I miss my mom so much I could die.

[shell]

Oh, Rosanne,I'm so sorry. It does seem like it's never going to stop, doesn't it? I hope the doctors can get some control on your dads problems. It is so exhausting to care for someone, especially someone you love. And of course the exhaustion makes you doubly depressed. And anything that reminds you of your loss is so painful. Please try to get any break you can. Make your brothers do more, hire a home care nurse, anything that will give you some time to yourself. Having said that, I understand how hard that is! During the two and a half years I was taking care of my mom, people would tell me "to get out of the house and do something". I would smile and nod, but I wanted to hit them. HOW was I suppose to get out of the house? I couldn't (and didn't want to) leave my mom. What if something happened to her while I was gone? People just don't understand. BUT, if you have anyone you can trust (like your brothers) to come in and relieve you for awhile, take it. You have to have that break and not feel guilty or negligent about it. I worry so about you, because I've been there and I know how much of a toll it took on me. Hang in there. Good luck with your dad.

A big hug,

Shell

[rosanne]

Shell,

Thanks for your sweet e-mail. I understand exactly what you are saying, about what people "that do not know" what you are going through will say, and they do not know how utterly stupid they sound! I got dad home last night, checked on him at lunch (I work about 5 minutes from his and my house) and he was not feeling well... I will stay with him probably through the week-end, I just do not want to leave him like that..... Understand? Tomorrow is my daughter's birthday she will be 25, she has been such a blessing to me through my grief process sometimes, I think I put too much on her- she loved my mom sooooo and is so crazy about my dad! Thanks!!

[shell]

Rosanne,

Oh, believe me, I understand. I give all this advice about "taking breaks", while I didn't do it when I was where you are now! I know how impossible it is to leave them, even for an hour or so....it's more worry than it's worth. You want to be there for them. I'm so glad you have your daughter. Having some loving support is so important! Hang in there.

Hugs,

Shell