Hello I Am New Here

[DawnG]

She was my mother, father and best friend. I am having a very difficult time dealing with this loss, I feel as if I'm an orphan, nobody in my family understands why I cry every day. I'm sure they grieve in their own way but it makes me angry that they tell me to get over it, life goes on. Well I know life goes on but not as I knew it before mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in Jan 2006, I went to all of her chemo appts, dr. appts, took care of her after surgery and took care of her during her last 6 days in this life. I was her primary caregiver and was/am very proud that I was able to do for her what she had done so many time for me. She was so strong during her battle, she never once complained about anything, she really didn't start to go down hill until May of 2007, her stomach stopped working and was in the hospital for 12 days, they put a feeding tube in, we brought her home to my sisters for hospice care, I got a crash course in medical care for her, then the next day we had to take her back because the tube moved into her stomach, she was in the hospital for another 6 days, as soon as she came home she went down hill, she waited until she was home to die. Every day of those last six days of her life she looked more young and more beautiful then I had ever seen her before. I had to turn off of her feeding tube and that was the hardest thing I had ever done. But I told her " mom no more feeding tube" and she said " good " she died 3 days later. The words she said to me was that she loved me. I wish I could hear those words again, any word from her, I miss her so much. She literally was my life. She knew me the best and made me feel special, I was the baby of the kids and the only single one so during xmas she would always buy me extra gifts and give them to me on the sly, it was cute, she'd even bring groceries over, we'd go bumming around on Saturday's and she'd always manage to buy me something, even though I made more money than her. She was a gifted soul and I know she is up there doing a heck of a job. I love you mom

Just because I no longer

stand in front of your eyes

doesn't mean you can't see me

close them

and I am there

just because i no longer answer when you call my name

doesn't mean you can't hear me

speak softly listen carefully

there is my voice

just because i can no longer

touch your hands

doesn't mean you can't feel me

hold to another

my arms are there

just because I am no longer there

to show you I love you doesn't mean my love is gone

place your hand on your heart

feel its beat

i am there

know that I am with God

know that God is with you

and in that we are still with each other

Just because

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[rosanne]

Dawn,

First of all let me say- when I started reading your message- I had to look because I promise you- it sounded so like my story. My mom passed away June 10th of pancreatic cancer- it was awful.............. She was my sister, my best friend and the best mom anyone could ever have! I miss her like crazy!!!!! I know where you are, and I know how bad you hurt....... I am there also. Anytime you want to talk just start......

Rosanne

[AnnieO]

Dawn,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom Dec.06. She too was my best friend and we spent so much time together..always having fun! I loved your story about your mom buying you extra gifts on the sly..my mom did that too. We would go shopping and I would see something I liked and she would buy it for me, I would tell her she didn't have to buy it, I could buy it...she always said, "I know you can buy it, but I want to buy it for you!" I collect snowglobes, my mom always got me one for Xmas. She died before Xmas but had already bought one for me and my aunt delivered it on Xmas.

I admire you for taking care of your mom her last 6 days, I am sure it was hard, but to be able to do that for your mom is so special. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[rosanne]

Saturday was my mom's birthday. They put their tombstone down Wed. but my brothers and I decided not to tell dad because we would all be going to the cemetery Sat. morning. I went early Sat. and cleaned the tombstone and put flowers in both vases that I had fixed. My daughter picked up 8 balloons and three roses that I had ordered at the flower shop. When I drove dad toward the grave he could not believe that the stone was there, and he had not ever seen it- because he left it up to me and my brothers to pick it out. Facing the road as you drive up to it- is a man and a woman with their arms around each other walking up a path and there are snow covered mountains all around them (I wanted that because mom loved the German mountains) and following them is a small Pomeranian (they lost their little Pomeranian 4 months before mom died, they had him for 15 years, he was like their baby).

Everyone got a balloon and at the count of three we all let our balloon go and watched them until they were out of sight. I will do this on every birthday and the day of her death- I know it sounds crazy but, it gave me a good feeling for a couple of minutes.

Then my daughter put her red rose on the grave and I put the two on her grave and we cried! Mom's name was Rose, my name is Rosanne and my daughter's name is Ingrid Rose and we always called each other the three Roses (now there are only 2) !

I did not know if I could go through it, but I did. It was hard so very hard.... I just had to share this with you, because I knew you would understand.

Rosanne

[lorikelly]

Dawn

My mom passed in jul 06 and i miss her terribly. i can't believe she is gone. Your words said everything that i feel. i to was also my mom caregiver for 18 mos. i would give anything to hear her again. i knew mom was dying but never wanted to accept it. i thought if i never talked about it( she never wanted to) then it would go away. i thought she could pull through anything. how wrong i was, i wish i had said more, listened more and not be so terrified. i talk everyday to her and pray that she hears me. I love you mom forever.

thanks for sharing the pictures of your beautiful mom. Go ahead and cry i still cry everyday. Lori

[curlyredheads]

Hi Dawn,

I too lost my mom to cancer. She died a year ago August 1st. I can so related to what you are feeling. She was not only my mom but my closest friend. I miss her each and every day. It is still a hard thing to accept that she is truely gone. But I know in my heart of hearts that she is in a better place, one free from all the pain, and that some day we will see each other again. Hold your memories of your mom close to you and let your emotions come as they may. The year ahead of you will be a long one but please know that you are not alone.

Libby

[DawnG]

Thanks so much for everyones feedback. It feels good to know that I'm not the alone and that my feelings are real. Today I got stung by a wasp and I instantly went to call my mom and just broke down in tears. I just wish she was back. I go to my first parent loss group tonight, I am sure I'll break down like a baby.

Thanks again everyone

[rosanne]

Dawn,

I am so glad that you are going to a Parent's Loss Group, I only wish I could but I live in such a remote area there is nothing like that available.

Let me know how it went.

Praying for you

[shell]

Dawn,

I lost my mom in June of this year and I, too, was her primary caregiver. All of our stories are so alike and it's comforting to have this group. I am glad you are going to a meeting too. I think that helps a lot. I cried reading your post, it was so much of what I feel. Thanks for posting the pictures. Your decision to take her off the feeding tube is one I wholeheartedly support. Be proud of yourself for being strong enough to help your mom by making that decision. You did an excellent job of taking care of her.

A big hug for you,

Shell

Rosanne,

Thanks for sharing your story, it was beautiful. I've done the balloons and for some reason it is just very healing. We are all stronger than we think we are. My mom always said, "You do what you have to" and boy, do I now understand what she meant!

Hugs,

Shell

[DawnG]

Hi Shell,

My mom always said " you do what you gotta do" " it is what is is" and " what are ya gonna do". Isn't it weird how you realize how strong your mother really is, I new she was but I didn't know to the extent until she went through this. I will have to try the balloons.

thanks again!!

[rosanne]

Shell, Dawn, Tracey,

and anyone else that has lost a mother or a father they were very close to- there is a song by Katie Giguere called I'll Find You- it is one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard, I went to mom's grave yesterday and played it and cried.......... I wish every one of you could hear it- I would even mail it to you if you wanted.

I am having a bad day today.... sorry

[MartyT]

You can listen to a two-minute clip of Katie's song, I'll Find You, which she wrote as a tribute to her grandfather, here. (When you go to the site, select song #10.)

[DawnG]

That is a great song I heard some of it, you can email it to me gilsondawn@yahoo.com I don't care who has my email ,so go ahead and email it to me.

It's okay that you're having a bad day, I've had a bad every day since my mom died. It's okay.

[rosanne]

Thanks, Marty!

[curlyredheads]

What a beautiful song. Thanks for sharing. I cried listening to it and thought lots about my mom. I miss her so much.