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Expecting A Really Big Cry


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This month I'll be paying off my mortgage. You know, the time you're supposed to be happy. The man who made this house our home has been dead now for 5 years (where does the time go)? . He worked so very hard for us. He had epilepsy and so his recent memory was poor. He had to travel back to customers because he'd forgotten his toolcase or something, working twice as hard for twice the time and never complaining, just excepting the situation, happy to do what he did. He never let anything stop him or stand in his way. He was an inspiration to me. John was 10 days shy of his 58th birthday. He had a stroke. After 27 1/2 years together he died holding my hand in bed.It was frozen cold. I'd paid off the second mortgage with his life insurance money. I paid down the refinancing with my second husbands' life insurance. Now I'll receive the statement this week for the very last payment. It breaks my heart he won't see the fruit of his labors.

Many of you know how the things that should be "happy" are sad. I'll cry big time. This is one of those realities that hits very hard. So- I decided to write to you instead of replying this time. Well-that's it. This ends something I don't want to completely end. It cuts me off a little more from our past and closes a door. It is harder to pretend that someone is not really really gone. But they are.

DoubleJo

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Dear DoubleJo,

I read most every message that comes through this section of the web site. I see that you have been without your partner now for 5 years and there are still events and moments in time, that greatly effect your life – and brings back feelings of sorrow. I am only into this voyage a short 2 years in comparison to you, but I too know that this indeed is a lifetime journey that lies ahead. Your message tonight confirms this fact.

Each day that passes are still filled with small reminders that our loved ones are gone. Small things recognized as something special just to us – a favorite food at the grocery store - that special song on the radio - a familiar phrase or way of communicating echoed by someone else that was our loved ones special way of saying something. Each day there are small things that whisper a reminder to us that they are gone.

Then there are those significant events – like the payoff of a mortgage – and the reminder becomes something much louder than a whisper. It is a blaring reminder that they are gone.

Whether a whispered reminder or a blaring reminder that they are gone – I like to also believe - that in these reminders (whether whispered or blaring) - are also sweet memories of who they were and what they meant to us.

Although we still cry at the reminders of what has been lost, we also are grateful for the time they gave to us.

Although the pain never goes away – thank God for the sweet memories that also remain.

Love and Peace,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

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DoubleJo,

I can only sympathize with you too, Myrna almost had her car paid off 2 months after she died, and I still think how painful it is to feel sorrow not joy from a financial burden taken away. God bless you!

William

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Jo,

Five years ago....five seconds ago....no gap of time at all when we relive the memories of when we lost our loved ones. It's etched in the neural pathways of our brains forever, so it can always feel just like "yesterday". When even our future or present joys are lost to the pain of the past, it's so hard to bear. No, we never want any part of our connections to our loved ones to end, because it feels like we're losing another piece of them, another piece of our happier past. I'm so sorry that what, by rights, should have been a happy relief for the both of you is instead now another sorrow. :unsure:

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Doublejo,

I am sorry you are feeling this loss and are so keenly missing the man responsible for what would otherwise be a day of celebration. Why not write him a note of thanks and tell him what you are feeling, how much you appreciate him? Or just say the words out loud to him...who knows but what they may hear us? I still talk to George sometimes and don't care if anyone thinks I am crazy! And congratulations to you too, you made the payments that finished it off, you have been surviving and that is no easy feat! We love and appreciate you and the great contribution you have made to this site, I know that you have encouraged and uplifted me many times.

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I, too, find these kinds of things difficult. I was just destroyed by finally getting some kitchen repairs done a couple of weeks after Linda passed. She would have been so excited and thankful, as she was about most everything [sigh]. It just seems so wrong not to share the things you used to share.

Everyone is different but I have found it generally helpful to force myself to visit places we went and do things we used to do together. I conceptualize it as "reclaiming the landscape of my life". It hurts at first and then feels better. I don't do too much of it at once.

I dread Dec 3 which is coming on fast ... it is our anniversary. I am giving serious thought to taking brunch at a classy restaurant we often celebrated at. I'll try to find a table I can blubber quietly at!

I also have decided to place a red rose each year beneath the Ironwood tree in our yard where her ashes were placed. Besides the usual significance, "our" song was Bette Midler's "The Rose" and my favorite portrait of her has her standing in front of a vase of red roses on our 2nd anniversary.

Grief is a lot of work [sigh].

--Bob

This month I'll be paying off my mortgage. You know, the time you're supposed to be happy.

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Bob, What a great idea! (the rose)...my husband's ashes are in my back yard by a tree where our cat George is also buried. I am still thinking of some way I can memorialize him, I haven't decided if I should by a stone marker or what. But it feels like I should do something...

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Thank you everyone for your wonderful, caring posts. They made me feel so much better. With support like yours I am going to try and celebrate the day to honor the hard work John did and our life together, tears and all.

And what a surprise I had! I have been working in my backyard which is quite large, planting, laying patio stones, etc. I finally got to the last area I hadn't fininshed yet. Part of the flagstone patio John had laid with me many years ago is still left. I bought a metal trellis for the area and started to hose off a part covered with dirt. Our date of laying it with our initials was carved into the cement by John- J & J '79. It made me smile and I felt so blessed to have gotten this present right after I wrote my post here.

Thanks for your immediate replies - they filled my heart.

DoubleJo

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Doublejo....That is so totally, absolutely wonderful! I just feel it was meant for you to find it now....I just know! Thank God you are where you are now. I have another DoubleJo lump in my throat again, and that's a good thing! Bless your heart.

Your friend, Karen :wub:;)

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DoubleJo,

That is a sweet miracle! Hes looking down at you and was wiping the dust off too thats nice to read that post today, I needed a boost, you so sweet.

Love,

William

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Doublejo,

I am so glad you found that, that must have warmed your heart! I look out over the back yard and see the pine trees that George and I planted the first year we were married...the idea was to look back 20 years later and see how much they'd grown over the years we were together...only we didn't get that long together. Alot of the memories I have here are bittersweet...we'd talked about having a porch swing to grow old together in and we bought one, only we didn't get to grow old in it. But I look and see the work George did around here, the new railing he put up around the patio, the ceiling light/fan that he and my son installed (I came home from work to find they had the walls tore apart and they told me to just head to the kitchen and not even look! :blush: ) My son just cleaned my chimney for me so I could build a fire...it hadn't been cleaned since George was alive. So many things he did for me, changing my oil, mowing the lawn, stuff like that. Gosh we have a lot of memories, special Christmases, birthdays, camping trips, etc. The things I lost with him are completely lost...George loved to eat, he was so much fun to cook for. There are reminders everywhere, just like on your stone, but mostly, there are reminders in our hearts.

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Thank you- you have all filled me up while I am feeling a bit empty floating alone.

Karenb and Stallyn, it IS amazing that after 28 years it is at this time I see John's engraving.

Kayc, I am always hoping that our Mulberry and Pine Trees of 22 years keep going until I'm gone. Everywhere around me is my second late husband Curts' remodeling and repairs. He'll be dead 2 years this February. My dogs are 9 & 10 and I thank G-d they're not older. Yes. Maylissa, they stay with us forever in some way.

We need some continuity, some stable hold to a past that is a part of who were are so we don't feel like we're swinging in the wind.

Desert Bob, grief IS exhausting. It wears on you. I am so grateful for having the love of these 2 men. I can only hope that a new wind blows another my way. I find comfort in knowing how huge G-ds' hands are. They are able to cradle us all.

My love- DoubleJo

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Dusky: Yes: the "sounds of silence" can be loud enough to burst a heart. It is correct to say they can also bring the sounds of soft memories and caresses. Love is a miracle. It is a divine shield that circles and protects you. The pain of being left with only this essence of the person who so loved you is what becomes unbearable. We are but fragile human beings lighted within by a divine spark that eventually must return home.

DoubleJo

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DoubleJo,

I am so sorry, but grief is really an exhausting journey. I had my share of accomplishments after he was gone, but i couldnt find joy in them. I feel so empty knowing that he will not be able to see me achieved them. I feel so bad again remembering it, i badly wanted to share it with him, to make him proud of me..my heart is breaking again.

I hope u find peace today Jo, we are always here for u.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dusky,

U have a beautiful message..

"Although we still cry at the reminders of what has been lost, we also are grateful for the time they gave to us.

Although the pain never goes away – thank God for the sweet memories that also remain."

Thank u for reminding us about this. I will forever be grateful that i have experienced that kind of love. The sweet memories will remain forever.

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