I Lost Myself

[teny]

It is going to be 1 year next week. I try to remember the way I was when I had all his love and care.Life is so emty no meening without love.It has been told that GOD has plans for us I dont understand why he ordered this life for me for all of us suffering It is geting harder and hurts so much more when I realise that I have to go alone.Do I want alife without love?

[WendyJ]

Teny I know how rough this will be for you coming up on a year, I am so sorry. Please remember we are all going through the same exact pain as you are so you are not alone. It hurts like hell, it stinks and it is just not fair I agree. None of us here can change what has happened but I do not believe God did this to any of us, I believe these things happened because life is unfair and not without risks. If it is true that God has plans for us then I do not believe he would make us die and/or suffer to have us do our deed. If he has plans then I believe when our time comes that is when we will serve him. We unfortunately live in a world where the more we progress the more damage we do to our planet and in turn the more harm it does to us. Does this make any sense? Think about how much healthier our planet was we'll say 50 or more years ago when there were more farms and less pollution and less factories etc etc etc. I could go on and on about this but I won't but I do truly believe that our polluted world and doctors trying to take on too many patients thus not getting the care we need, the stress of life now ( everything is rush rush rush) nobody fully enjoyes life anymore like they used to. As a whole we are all less healthy and more stressed than we should be and I am also one of those people who does believe there are cures out there for so many things but our government is hiding them as if there were cures for all our diseases we would quickly become a very overpopulated world. Oh well I have gotten off subject and am rambling now, sorry. Teny you stick with us and we will get you through this and we will need your help when each of us has an anniversary come up. Please remember we need you as much as you need us and the same goes for Suzanne too, I know she is going through a rough time right now but she also has helped me many times in her posts so we need her to stay strong too, not only for herself but for us too.

Love,

Wendy

[DesertBob]

Teny,

I know it's rough. I'm sorry.

Here, for what it may be worth, is something that has helped me. I found that my beliefs and assumptions about life / God / love where torturing me all the time. It occurred to me at some point a few years ago, about the time it became clear to me that my wife's life was going to end badly with a lot of pain and agony, and that it was going to take its toll on me accordingly, that something had to give.

What were my choices? It almost never is sensible to keep doing or believing something that's not working -- do the same thing, only harder. I began back then a process that I am still sorting through now, of revising my personal beliefs to align better with my actual life experience. Not to align better with some particular teaching, or the expectations of others, but trying to find what actually works ... for me.

Rather than having "tapes" in my head that I keep "playing" over and over, I try (admittedly, with varying degrees of success) to test the truth of what those "tapes" are saying.

So ... ask yourself how true is it that:

You have no love in your life.

You can have no love in your life without your husband.

Life is meaningless without love.

Living alone is the worst thing that could happen.

You are truly alone.

There is one and only one person who could ever understand me or complete me, even partially.

Do you harbor, perhaps the beliefs that:

No one ever loved me before him, and no one ever will.

I was nothing before I met him and I'm nothing now.

The only kind of love that matters is married love.

I must have married love to find any happiness and fulfillment at all.

Life has to go the way I expected or all is lost.

Don't get me wrong, I don't claim to know all of these answers for me, much less for anyone else. I'm just saying, don't be afraid to ask questions. This may allow you to change your approach to some things so that there isn't an artificially wide gulf between what you have and what you want. It's been my experience that I've often been wrong about both, and in places at least, the gulf has narrowed or even gone away, when I've changed the assumptions I'm working from.

When I find myself hurting over some thought, I try to ask myself, "who told me that?" "Is that really true? How true? And to the extent it's true, is it unchangeable?" I believe this has saved my sanity, if not my life. I hope it is in some small way helpful for you, too.

--Bob

It is going to be 1 year next week. I try to remember the way I was when I had all his love and care.Life is so emty no meening without love.It has been told that GOD has plans for us I dont understand why he ordered this life for me for all of us suffering It is geting harder and hurts so much more when I realise that I have to go alone.Do I want alife without love?

[karenb]

Teny,

You made it through a year....good for you. It's been a tough one, too. You've found wonderful new friends here to help you through this past year. Some day you'll remember all the good times and then the tears will be grateful ones. I know your husband is very proud of you and loves you.

Your friend, Karen

[kayc]

Teny,

Try not to think of it as a life without love...what you had can't be destroyed by death, it still exists, you just can't convey it to each other like you once did. I carry George's love inside my heart and whenever I need it, I pull it out and contemplate it. It is his forever gift to me and no one can take it away. When I think of him now, I feel warm inside and know that for whatever else happens in life, we "had it". And you DO have current love, the love of your kids, grandkids...I don't have grandchildren yet, I am really looking forward to that, but it may be years away at the rate they're going.

Take care of yourself, we're here for you, we're listening.

KayC

[lyn]

Dear Teny,

Love can never be destroyed by death. There is a poem here that they have posted before and would like to share it with u again..

Now that I am gone,

remember me with smiles and laughter.

And if you need to cry,

cry with your brother or sister who walks in grief beside you.

And when you need me,

put your arms around anyone

and give to them what you need to give to me.

There are so many who need so much.

I want to leave you something --

something much better than words or sounds.

Look for me in the people I've known

or helped in some special way.

Let me live in your heart

as well as in your mind.

You can love me most

by letting your love reach out to our loved ones,

by embracing them and living in their love.

Love does not die, people do.

So, when all that's left of me is love,

give me away as best you can.

-- Author unknown

As what Bob said, dont be afraid to ask questions. Focus your energy on activities u enjoy, i have seen your works in the website u posted here and they are beautiful. Nurture your talents, and be gentle with yourself. We are here for u, and we love u..

[Stallyn]

Teny,

I always believed to be absent in the body is to be with God AND our loved ones, I cannot fathom a God that would deny us that, my Christian friends say otherwise quote: marriage is not in heaven therefore you will not remember the love you both had for each other,what do they know? its not a fact, not dogma, but something within ourselves the promise of it. maybe this will give you hope, it keeps me going, I know I will see Myrna again, healthy happy and beautiful, whats life on earth for years and years and eternity with our chosen ones? Love does not ever die.

Love,

William

[DesertBob]

Well what your Christian friends are basing this on is an encounter Jesus had with representatives of a religious faction that did not believe in an afterlife at all. Attempting to ridicule the concept of an afterlife, they related the contrived story of a man who was married, and died, and as was the custom of the day, his wife became the wife of his older brother, who died also, so she became the wife of the next brother, etc. So, they asked, whose wife will she be in heaven?

Jesus said in response to this, "You err, not knowing the scriptures or the power of God. For in heaven, they are neither married, nor are they given in marriage, but are like the angels in heaven."

My take on this (and mind you, I have the luxury of having any take I want, since I am no longer beholden to any particular church) is NOT that you won't recognize, meet, or know your spouse, or that you will not have a relationship. It just won't be a marriage relationship. Applying the rule of not making the passage say more than it actually says, it seems to me that you can't then conclude that you'll be celibate and passionless. It could just as well mean that the relationship you will enjoy in heaven will be BETTER than marriage, more intimate and less hindered than you could ever imagine. Perhaps the lack of being hampered by your besetting sins and flaws and weaknesses and earthly cares will even permit an open society where a great deal of intimacy can be shared with anyone who interests you, without jealousy, and somehow in a way that would not detract from what is special in any given relationship -- who knows?

The other thing to keep in mind is that the context of this is a debate about whether or not there is an afterlife -- not a debate about whether or not we'll still be married (or to whom, assuming we have more than one spouse in our earthly life). The little bit of info about the nature of life in heaven is just a side benefit, not the main point, and therefore could be a bit of hyperbole.

The thing about passages like this is that people read them through the ascetic eyes of tradition, which basically says that marriage is nothing but a concession to our lack of sexual self-control, and not as noble and spiritual as a celibate life (indeed this unfortunate point of view is explicitly taught by the Apostle Paul, who was, on the whole, quite the misogynist).

--Bob

Teny,

I always believed to be absent in the body is to be with God AND our loved ones, I cannot fathom a God that would deny us that, my Christian friends say otherwise quote: marriage is not in heaven therefore you will not remember the love you both had for each other,what do they know? its not a fact, not dogma, but something within ourselves the promise of it. maybe this will give you hope, it keeps me going, I know I will see Myrna again, healthy happy and beautiful, whats life on earth for years and years and eternity with our chosen ones? Love does not ever die.

Love,

William

[Stallyn]

Desertbob,

I find that much more comforting than the dogma thet churches claim by their observation to be a concrete fact by assumtion, So to speak, many of them I knew would gleefully say, "nothing on earth is remembered as heaven is bliss" If so, Jesus himself would not recall the things of earth, you show a good point to me, safe to say I am not clung to any church, rather not fill my mind up with useless tradition, I had enough of it in catholicism,. Personally, I can't grasp or comprehend the afterlife due to its mystery but it gives hope to many.

Truly,

WIlliam

[suzanne]

Teny

I know how badly it hurts and my heart goes out to you. Please hang in there as hard as it is. I do believe I will remember the love I have for Will and we will be together again. As he was going through the process of dying, I held him close to me and I put our wedding picture in his hand and told him ( I have always carried a wallet size in my billfold) how much I love him, how he had made my life so happy and the day would come we never have to say goodbye again. I kissed him over and over, even when the monitor showed no longer a heart beat. Gosh the pain that comes with writing this but I need to let it out.

Suzanne

[Stallyn]

Teny,

How are you doing today? I have you in my thoughts and I will put a prayer request in for you.

William

[Corinne]

Hey William,

How are you today? Have you taken your meds?

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[Stallyn]

Corinne,

I am doing better than usual, I did take them today, I remember because I had to get a glass of water quick, or I start gagging how are you?

Love,

William

[karenb]

Hey you guys, you know what? I do have a lump in my throat but I try and accomplish what I can in my days. I know I'm 68 and you "kids" are a lot younger than I am but as you grow older you realize how "young" you are with every experience. My son in Bellingham needed a new computer because he scorched the one I gave him (didn't mean to) but my daughter and I brought him one, hooked it up, got him online, etc., bought him cigarettes and some food (you remember he's got somewhat of a mental situation, William knows), visited with him and then went to my grandson's football game (he's an assistant coach there) brought him some food, drove back, got caught in a traffic jamb, and that was after a "very full" week of so much other stuff....OH WHATEVER? Well, I told Jason (my grandson) after he came and gave me the longest hug that grandpa was so proud of him and he was sitting on my shoulder loving every minute and was so proud of him. I do have a lump in my throat over all the love I've seen today!!!!

Your friend, Karen

OMG...I'm so sorry I said, "kids" - I sure didn't mean to offend anybody...sometimes I feel older than you guys, but mostly I just feel the same...

[DesertBob]

Universally, people tell me that they don't see themselves any different regardless of age, grandm -- I mean, Karen. ;-)

I often feel about 110 years old ... worn out from living and not looking for trouble. From your crazy day it sounds like you have more gumption at 68 than I do at 50. Good for you!

--Bob

[Corinne]

Karen,

I agree with Bob, you definitely have more energy at this point than I do. As for calling me a kid. Please keep it coming. It is amazing when you are a kid you want to be called an adult, then when you get to be an adult any reference that people make that you are younger than you are makes you feel so good. I guess we are just never happy.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[Stallyn]

Karen,

Maybe age is just a number right?? you sound good yesterday. Corrinne, she does have that perkiness doesn't she?

Bob, I am about 10 years younger, but my loss makes me feel 30 years flew by, genetics? most of the time I have to "motivate" to do something.

Blessings,

William

[Gail_R]

William I know how you feel some day's it takes every thing I have to do the little things that need to be done never mind the big things. If it was not for youngest son still living at home with me I'm not sure that I would coke and that is something that I liked to do when Bruce was still alive. We would try and have all the kids over at lest once a week for a family meal and know I just don't have the energy to do it. Have to push myself to get things done. This is not the life I throught that I would be living. Gail

[Stallyn]

Gail,

I feel like a deadweight and lack of interests in old hobbies, did that happen to you also? This life for us now is undesirable to say the least, and everyday is a chore in itself

[karenb]

Is it okay for me to interrupt? I'm a little farther along in this then you guys but I definitely remember a lack of interest in a lot of things. I would find myself just staring out my garden window into the "back 40" until Sadie Mae would bark at me. She brought me out of my so-called reverie many times and still does to this day if I stare at anything too long. Sounds like you guys are just doing what comes naturally. Believe me, it does improve and soon, I hope, for you guys.

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

Karen, you don't interrupt, I enjoy reading your posts as always, Does it really get better? I can't see it, its all sameness everyday, in such a way I feel like a ghost, transparent and forgotten. If I have what most of you do maybe it be better, I befriended my ex girlfriend from 20 years ago and we write everyday, its been a gift to have that opportunity to talk to someone that knew me like Myrna did, of course she married and I told her I respect that. Not looking for anything anyways. but the emails or telephone don't do justice.

Love,

William

[karenb]

Friends are one of the greatest experiences we have. I think it's wonderful you found an old friend. You know, my belief is we are what we make ourselves to be and that takes giant efforts, especially when you may not care one way or the other. But, I prefer to be comfortable with myself, not uncomfortable and I try every day to be that way. As time goes on, the effort is much less. You'll make it, just try every day to accomplish one good thing for yourself and one good thought about your world. Take care and have a peaceful afternoon and evening.

Your friend, Karen

[Stallyn]

Karen,

I had a personal experience a few days ago indicating God brought her into my life to help me through, and you my friend have taught me alot! your knowledge and experience are invaluable

Take care,

William

[Gail_R]

Karen it is very good that you come here and post. It lets us know that we can do this. You have so much wisdom and what you say makes so much sense thank you for being there for all of us that are just trying to get throw this one day at a time. Thank you, you are a good friend. Gail

[Corinne]

Karen,

Gail and William are right you are so precious to us. You have been through so much and your wisdom is so appreciated! After looking at all the pictures last night of my life with Jimmy I can remember our happiness. I still miss him horribly, he was so much strength to me, but I believe I can replace some of the saddness with the happy memories now. I still am in total confusion over my loss of John. When he drank he was so hard to deal with and he would just bring me down. The gambling and drinking kept us from getting anything in life. We could have gone so far if he could have stopped. I did everything I could to get him to stop but it had such a hold on him. I really did love him and wish I could have done or said something to make him understand, but I could not. I guess I am just confused with feelings of guilt and anger and saddness when it comes to John. Someday maybe I will be able to put everything in its place and figure it out , until then I am so thankful I can come here and vent.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne