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Do Not Do Your Grief Work Alone


STARKISS

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Hi All,

Please do not try to do your grief work alone... I was asked to leave my hospice support group and had to quit my counsellor so I did most of my grief work alone... And let me tell you that it takes alot longer than with support... I have no friends where I live and my family all think I just should forget it and be done with it... but I can not mind you I am not nearly as bad as two years ago but I do have my moments...My support group leader told me to leave because I had made so not sincere comments to another women... The other woman and I had since talked and made up...I did not have any support from the time I had my mom's one year anniversary... That was April of 2006. My dad died in August of 2006 and there was no one for me to have support from... So please do not try to do your grief work alone.... Take care Shelley

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Shelley,

Well, at least you have this board. I feel like this site has helped me just as much as an "in person" support group. While it's great to find other people you can talk to who understand and have it face to face, that's not always possible, so I am just deeply grateful I found this site. But in a way, you really do have to do grief work alone. You can get support and that helps tremendously, but the "coming to terms" with it all has to be done by yourself. That's just my opinion. Hang in there, Shelley, we have all seen improvement, and it will backslide once in awhile, but you will move forward again too.

Hugs,

Shell

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  • 4 months later...

Hi Shell,

Thank you for your reply yes in a way you do have to do it alone but what I meant is not doing totally alone... Get help when you need it... And do not try to do it without the help if you really need it... Take care Shelley

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Shelly, I thought I was the only one in the world to get "the boot" from a support group. My offense was having the silly idea that one person who had NOT experienced a loss should not be permitted to monopolize the entire time the group met.

The hospice all the way up to the Director was unhappy with my foolish notion. A team leader left me a voice message not to return to the group. I was depending on that particular meeting as it fell on our 29th wedding anniversary and the first such occasion since my husband's death.

That voice message was just too cold for me. I decided not to let such people play with my emotions and have been doing better for it.

I am sorry you lost your support. It is unfortunate when a "leader" pulls the rug out from under a bereaved person. Don't we have enought to deal with already??

I get support from this board and Widwonet.org. Hope you find what you need. I an relieved to be free of the place that treated me badly as it was easier than doing their job.

best to you.

take care

s.

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Lori, I was asked to leave as I contacted the hospice to learn of other meeting they hold after attending a very disappointing meeting in December. It was my first meeting. There were two other widows, a man who lost his brother, a man w/o a loss who needed a meeting but not a grief support meeting and me. My husband died the previous month. IU was hanging on by a thread for support.

The guy w/o a loss interrupted others and took over the meeting. He was sitting under the wall clock so he had the facilitators attention. I did not have an opportunity to speak.

The two other widows followed me out of the meeting and exchnged phone numbers with me.

I called the next day for other meetings. They said they would send me a flyer. It arrived with a meting schedule. They have 8 offices in 4 different counties. No street addresses were given,just the city name. I called for that info and they were on VM for 12 days for holidays.

Called back Jan 2 and got more VM. FInally got a person and asked about the street addresses of meetings. She said "I would have to find the paper where they wrote them down" and asked me to call back as she had other calls.

I gave her my fax number and she agreed to fax the info at her convenience. Still waiting for that fax!

Called again to follow up on the fax or any info about meeting locations. They were not happy about that.

I attended a meeting in January with a substitute facilitator. Good meeting. Everyone was given a chance to participate. February the regular facilitator (clock watcher) was there with a team leader.

I mentioned that it was the anniversary of my mother's death. Facilitator cut in and talked of the events surronding and follwing her mothers death!!!

Two weeks later I got the VM not to return.

If you can find a reason that makes sense here, please advise.

s.

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Good Heavens, Susan! I am so sorry to learn that your experiences were so awful. May I offer some other suggestions?

First, you might want to read this post:

Finding A Support Group

I don't know which hospice you contacted to find a support group, but obviously it was not a good match. There are so many other outstanding grief support groups "out there," and since you indicated in an earlier post that you live in a fairly large city, I sincerely hope that you will consider expanding your search beyond that particular hospice! Mortuaries, funeral homes, churches, synagogues, hospitals, even a local crisis or suicide helpline would keep lists of whatever bereavement resources are available in your community (and you do not have to be suicidal to contact a suicide helpline!)

See, for example,

http://www.clevelandcatholiccemeteries.org/bereavement.html

I just hope that you won't let this bad experience keep you from finding the support that you need and deserve. :(

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Susan~ how awful that must have been for you reaching out and comming up empty handed everytime.

Starkiss~ I just want to thank you for posting this.

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I am gun shy at this point. Emotions are too fragile to take a chance on this. I was actually hoping for help from this group of crackpots!

Still not understanding why I was expelled. The gentleman at the December 2007 meeting needed AA. He was permitted to stay and take over the meeting. I guess they are infallible at the Hospice of the Western Reserve in Ohio and plan to stay that way.

I am not up for the risk of another such experience. Thanks for the support everyone.

s.

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Hi All,

I just want to mention that I still talk with one of the assistant leaders... She started with a scrapbooking class for the hospice group.. The class allowed people to create a special book of rememberance of their lost loved ones... I just figure that not being able to return to the group was a sign from God to show me there are other ways to deal with my grief... I missed the group for a while because I met some pretty special people and some of them were so caring... take care Shelley

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Shelley, that's the kicker for me. The support comes from relationships formed with other group members, not the paid emplayees of hospice. Unfortunately they have the power fo the bereaved and so I am hesitant to chance it again.

One of the other widows in the group got a call about me from a hospice employee. Makes it difficult when the put pressure on other group members. We got along well and had several phone calls.

As it is now the gent who lost his brother stopped attending, I was kicked out, the two widows one year out are still there and a new male member came to the meeting I was not permitted to attend.

s.

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This all reminds me of the support group I'd attended for the loss of my Mother and brother, which might have turned out better had not a later-to-join member arrived to disrupt much of the group dynamic. Like the fellow who didn't rightfully belong in your group, Susan, this woman monopolized most of the group's time with her incessant stories - always full of tangents not at all related to the topic at hand.

She was never 'taken to task' by the group facilitators, either, who didn't seem to want to acknowledge every single member's discomfort about her disruptions, seeing as they were basically gutless. And I, unfortunately, also got stuck with her in my smaller group when we had to split up into 2 separate groups for sharing, as it was decided by the 2 facilitators that this might be more conducive to sharing.....NOT! Anyone who was next in line after her got only about a total of 2 mins. to talk because she'd chewed up all the time and had also normally insisted on going first...and again, this tactic, too, should have been nipped in the bud, but wasn't. That was also part of the reason I never got to share anything about the loss of my brother.

At the end of the 8 or so weeks, we had to fill out forms rating the effectiveness of the support group. Needless to say, my report wasn't glowing and neither did they receive a requested donation from me (they were suggesting something in the range of up to $200 yet!!) I never got a call about my comments, even though they made it sound like they wanted feedback that they'd follow up on.

This group also seemed most suited only to those who already HAD good family and friend networks, rather than people who suffered from complicated grief situations and were without much support. I wouldn't have been surprised if I'd been asked to not return, either, had I complained about this one member in the midst of the program. At the time, I just didn't have the energy to take on yet another emotionally-draining task, though.

So it seems there are a number of badly run groups out there and I'm sorry others have had lousy experiences with some of them, too. They obviously don't want to know when their programs aren't running as well as they ought to be. Someone needs to go back to school and wisen up because grief-stricken individuals deserve better services!

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Hi Maylissa,

I think that you are right, there should be away that tells these groups that are having trouble helping people... Set up times for smaller groups or have more helpers...(wife or husband loss, parental loss, child loss) That way maybe more people can receive help for their grief... Shelley

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Yesterday I was in a restaurant and one of the widows from the group I was kicked out of came in and to my table to say hello. It was so good to see her! She was with a woman she met in that group who no longer attends.

They were both so nice. The lady I had never met coincidently remembered my husband and me from the restaurant a few years ago. It helped so much to talk with the two women who were friendly and understood. We only visited for a few. I had just joined another couple who realized I was bummed sitting alone and were kind enough to include me.

Too bad that relationships like this are aborted by self serving grief support outfits.

Just not wanting to give this another go as it was a crushing blow at a time that i did not need more hurt or aloneness.

The most amazing ting about the hospice operators is that they re in the business of death and are frivilous about running a support group. In some cases, I think it is just a paper compliance.

s.

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Wow.. this is sad. I'm so sorry for those of you that had such negative experiences at these groups. I was feeling a bit envious of people who can attend a group as we don't really have any close to where I live.

But now.. I'm thinking maybe there is a reason...

This is such a shame.

(IMHO)> I feel our nation is very behind on palliative care as well as helping those experiencing grief & grief support.

Isn't it amazing that this grief support is soooo lacking in our society? Everyone.. I mean everyone.. experiences losses and yet there is a complete dirth of support services... It hardly makes any sense.

Again.. so sorry you guys. But I'm grateful we at least have this place to help each other along.

leeann

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leeann, I just got off the phone. The other wiudow who attends the group was calling to see how I am doing. We talked for over an hour. This is the sad part. I only attended 3 meetings and now I am mot permitted to return even though the relationships are positive and supportive.

If you have the opportunity to attend a group by all means give it a try. Who knows.

I am registered for a closed six week support group begining Monday, April 7 at the same hospice. The registration request and phone confirmation from the facilitator were done prior to my the team leader booting me from the open and ongoing gruop via VM.

Both of the other two widows have completed this six week group and highly recommend the group and the facilitator.

Now my question. Is there an expectation of a cancellation call from me to the facilitator of the six week group? This is customary to free up space for another.

Have I been booted from this group as well as the one specified? Is that understood or is ther something else expected from me?

Thanks for any input

s

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Why would you want to call them and cancel? (I mean unless you do not plan on attending.) I would attend it... especially since you have heard that there is a different & better facilitator. Perhaps this group will actually be helpful to you.

Forgive me.. and I have re-read this thread at least three times now.. but.. I still don't get why they asked you to leave the open ongoing group.

These 6 week courses may be different in nature and design than the open ongoing group. And if, in the end, this 6 week course is something you find helpful.. and you feel comfortable there, I would ask the 6 week facilitator to see if you can return to the open ongoing one if indeed you would like to.

Otherwise.. I think it is awesome that at least you have a few kind souls who are calling you. I would try to just get together with those folks on occasion on your own if the open ongoing mtg isn't something you want to pursue. I would definitely keep in touch with these people though.. sounds like they are helping you.

But your question of should you be expected to call and cancel the 6 week thing.. just because they asked you to leave the open & ongoing one??

In my opinion..No.. absolutely not. That would be an outrageous expectation for them to have.

These 6 week ones.. from what I have read, seem to follow a set plan and seem more formal that way. And since they are closed to too many people attending.. there should be plenty of opportunity for you to share.

Whatever you decide, I'm sure you'll do fine.

leeann

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Hi Susan K,

I am so sorry you are having a rough time with the hospice in your area.. My reason was I was not getting a long with one of the other group members so they just figured I would not fit with anyone... Shelley

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Hi Susan K,

Yes there is another one put out by the same Hospice as I did go before... I just think I would be better off finding someone I can trust when I need to talk... Thanks Shelley

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Understandable Shelly, maybe finding a supportive ear is a good way to go. I am also of the persuasion that once they boot you from one of the groups at the same organiation it may be uncomfortable to attend another. ALso bouncing from group to group makes finding good support difficult.

Good luck with finding support. please post back on pregress.

s.

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