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Dear Friends its been nearly 8 months for me since my darlings death, and we are approaching Christmas. it was by far the best time of the year for us as a family. Each year my deceased husband would say the same thing..."This year I am going to give you the best Christmas ever" , and every year was indeed better than the last one. He aslo bought me the most beaurtiful presents. To complicate matters , my 26th wedding anniversary is on 5 Dec and my birthday on 2 January. Presently I am praying and started praying on 28 Sept. specifically for strength during this period, as well as peace and the gift of joy( which is different to happiness)I used to start getting Christmas fever from round about now. Any advice for me please?

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I was around the same time period this time last year that you are now. I remember dreading the upcoming holiday season. What I can tell you is this, for me the actual day was not bad at all as compared to all of the expectations I was putting on it. I wore myself out emotionally thingking that Thanksgiving and Christmas were going to be the worst. The days themselves actually went vey well, there was some sadness but overall it was nice being around family and watching them open gifts. I hope this helps in some way.

Love always

Derek

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Erica, dear ~

The key to dealing with the holidays is to think about and plan for them ahead of time, so they don't catch us off-guard and unprepared.

There are so many wonderful articles written to help the bereaved cope with and manage the holidays (and other celebration days) that I've devoted an entire page to them on my Grief Healing Web site. Just visit my Coping with the Holidays page and you'll find a list of links to those I've found most helpful.

Let's also invite all the members of our GH family to share your own ideas and plans for finding your way through this holiday season. And, as Derek points out, always remember that these days have only as much power and significance as you are willing to give them. In the end, they really are just more dates on the calendar, and for the bereaved, they need not be any more or less difficult than any other day.

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Derek, you are so right. I am praying that God will bless us with a beautiful day where He will just bless my children and I , and enfold us in His love...And it is definitely about working myself up before all of these big days. So I pray for peace and calm and more faith to believe In Gods provision for our special needs at Christmasstime

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I just posted in response to a reference about the upcoming holidays in the "Gail" post. I might add, if we don't have young children, it might help to get out and do something for others, if nothing else, it takes our mind off ourselves and will do wonders to lift our spirits.

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Guy's I'm with the rest of you. Being canadian we have already had our thanksgiving and that was hard enough our daughter held it this year because I was just not up to it. Now Christmas that is another thing told my sister that I could not hold christmas this year it being the first one that Bruce will not be here with us and I think that if I can keep it together I will be doing good. Christmas Eve was at my sister's and Christmas day was our house so this year we will change things up. If I get the tree up this year I will be doing good and the baking and cooking well someone else can do it this year :( . Bruce and the kids just loved christmas time the best the house decorated and food cooking all the baking(sweets my husband had a very sweet tooth) so this year we will try just to get through the day. Gail :wub:

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Funny thing about Christmas last year. I finally got the energy to get the tree up about a week or so before Christmas, however I didn't take it down until almost the end of February. I just didn't have the energy to deal with it. I have an 8 year old (7 at the time) so I had to put a tree up. Karen did most of the cooking for her side of the family when it came to stuffing and the like so I did a lot of that myself, it actually helped to get my mind off of things and relax a little. That was the first year that I paid cash for everything which was real nice. I didn't get as many gifts as normal due to the fact that Karen and I would over spend on each other and I was fine with that as well. My sister and sister-in-law took Carson out to get me a couple of things, however the main focus was him as it should be. I think I am actually looking forward to the holidays this year where as this time last year I was ready for January 2nd.

Love always

Derek

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Marty,

I followed your link to "Grief during the holidays" and it says "file not found". ???

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Hi Everyone!

On the subject of getting through the holidays. I have had a lot of experience with this one, there is Thanksgiving, my birthday Dec.22, and Christmas. Christmas is the day I lost my Jimmy, it will be 11yrs. this year. It is always hard, but you can and will get through it. As Marty has said definitely plan ahead so you don't have to do everything all at once, while worrying about the holiday. You are definitely better with family and friends if possible, that way you are busy and don't have as much time to think and dwell on it. If you feel overwhelmed at points during the day go into a different room and regroup or go for a walk or just go outside for some fresh air. Try not to stress yourself out thinking about it. As Derek has said it is not usually quite as bad as you imagine it will be. It will be hard once again this year, this is the first year my girls will not have their Daddy, but we will get through with the grace of God. Try not to stress yourself out too much thinking about the upcoming holidays, life is stressful enough, you are all very strong and I know that you will be able to get through these upcoming firsts.

Hugs & prayers, :wub:

Corinne

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Kay, I'm so sorry the link didn't work for you ~ but since it worked for Derek, I am at a loss. As I'm sure you all know by now, I am NOT a computer whiz, but I do know that sometimes when you get that "file not found" message you just need to ignore it and try the link again. You can also go to my site's Site Map page and find links to all the pages on my Web site listed there.

Here is the actual URL address for the Coping with the Holidays page ~ maybe it'll work if you "cut and paste" it into your browser's search engine instead?

www.griefhealing.com/coping-with-holidays-articles.htm

Please let me know if you're still having trouble accessing the page.

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I'm dreading it, too, even though this will be the second Christmas w/o our girl. Last year's (first) was incredibly painful for me, although I did plan ahead. Many times I thought I was going to go insane with grief and this lasted for the whole season, not just on one or two particular days, tra-la.

We bought a trio of those miniature trees, rather than using our normal, large tree (don't know WHEN that one might ever go up again), and that was only because I wanted something sort of respectful to hang all my memorial ornaments (from Personalization Mall online) and glass angels, as well as a recordable ornament of my girl's 'talk' on. I also held a memorial service on one of the major days (now, I even forget which Day it was, I was so out of it then), with candles lit in honour of both of my kidlets, my Mum and my brother, a service that Dusky (John) here had provided 1-2 years ago, and some heart-wrenching music, one song being "Someone Is Missing This Christmas"....ooooohhhh, here come the tears, just remembering! :( We also stayed at a boutique hotel close by for a few days just before New Years (then skedaddled outta there before it filled up for THAT holiday!) and it was a nice break, something different from the norm.

But this year, more of the shock's worn off and I'm dreading even MORE the feelings that I know will come up. Because of the lessening of the shock, THIS year feels more like it's the first, not the second. I'd prefer to just go away somewhere, but we don't think we can swing anything too $$$, which means not being able to go somewhere w/o the snow and cold associated (to us) with Christmas. There will still be no gifts that we buy, though I'm sure some will come in from my H's parents. (they already got their early present from us in the summer) I may or may not put those little trees up again, but will be hanging the ornaments somewhere, somehow. I also plan on making more Italian charms (the picture types) for my memorial bracelet if I haven't done so before then and repeating that same service at home. I'm considering going to one of those free Christmas Memorial Services that funeral homes put on (did this for my Mum once), but right now I don't think I'll feel strong enough to do that. I was the only one I saw crying at the last one, so didn't feel very comfortable...though the staff was more than gracious and welcoming. Likely no baking, no special dinners, no cards (we don't really receive any anyway), no nothing really. Just enough to honour my beloveds, because I also know I won't get to even share memories of them with anyone. I'd plan for some quiet evenings spent playing games or something with friends, IF we had any, but we don't, so it'll be enough just to do something, anything, that takes my mind off this pressure-cooker of a holiday. So my plans are more focused on what NOT to do....and trying not to even think about the season (except for now, here) until it's here.

Like Corinne, my holidays are followed in rapid succession by 3 winter anniversaries, so it's a long haul. And like Derek, the trees stayed up last year until Feb., too, even though I had to keep DUSTING all those ornaments!

The decorations are already going up around here (since Cdn. Thanksgiving is done with), even alongside all the Halloween ones (man, those retail merchants never give us a break!) and I just feel like hiding. :ninja:

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Marty,

I tried several times from two computers and tried cutting and pasting and I got the web page but couldn't access the link to Grief During the Holidays

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Ahhhhhhhhhhh, Kay, now I see. The problem is with one of the sites listed on my Coping with the Holidays page, not with the link to my page. Apparently the site entitled Grief During the Holidays is no longer functioning. That is beyond my control, but thanks to your alerting me, I will go into my own Web site and delete that link. Thank you so much for clarifying it for me!

:wub:

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Maylissa

I am so sorry for the loss of your furkids, your mother and brother. I dread the holidays this year as well. This will be my first without my husband and my dad. I wish you would share Dusky's service or provide me with a link as I'm not quite certain what I want to do. I read your posts so often and I feel so bad you can't find the support you need in Canada. All of us are here for you anytime you want to talk about your beloveds. You do have friends. You are such a caring person. I read one of Marty's links about the five candles and I might do something like that. Don't know yet, too far in the future for now.

Suzanne

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Oh, man, I'm losing my mind lately! Not only can I not find this candle-lighting service in any of Dusky's posts (so I'm wondering if it wasn't him who posted it?), but I can't even find my HARD copy at home here now! I've used this for 2 years running already but don't know where I've put it! I tried to do a site search for this as well, but came up empty handed. YIKES!! I'm going to NEED this again this year! So......

Marty, would you happen to remember, or be able to do a search for this ceremony? It used 5 candles, I believe, each one symbolizing a different thing (like, this one is for our grief, this one is for our hope, etc.) and as you recited each item, you lit one candle at a time. Gawd....I just HATE the total FOG that goes with grief! HEEEEELLLPPP!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, I did a search on the 'net and found it elsewhere! Here's a link to the website. I can't print it out here because it's got a copyright on it.

Holiday Candle Ceremony This ceremony is from Sherry L. Williams....and it appears that it must have been MARTY who originally posted it on GH for all of us!

Edited by Maylissa
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Hi Maylissa,

I admire your persistence! (Reminds me of somebody else I know :blush: )

The article where you saw the candle ceremony was here:

Including Your Absent Loved One in Holiday Celebrations. At the time that article was written, Self-Healing Expressions obtained permission from Sherry Williams to reprint her candle ceremony in the body of my article. Hospice of the Valley also obtained permission from Sherry to reprint it in the holiday booklet we offer to those who attend our support groups during the holidays. (You can request a copy of the booklet, Coping with Grief During the Holidays, by contacting the HOV Bereavement Department, Hospice of the Valley, 1510 East Flower Street, Phoenix AZ 85014, telephone 602-530-6970.)

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Thank you for the link Maylissa. It brought tears to my eyes as i read what each candle represents. I pray for courage and strength to face each day and hope for the future.

Erica,

I dread the coming of the holidays too, but i tried not to think too much of it. I let my birthday passed last month without celebration at all, i treated it as an ordinary day, and glad that it was finally over.

What i plan to do this Christmas is to spend sometime in the orphanage. There are so many of them who needs love, and want to share it with them.

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THANK you, Marty, for helping me get this straight!...and for giving us the original link. Good thing it was you who had originally posted it! At the time, I must have just been reading one of Dusky's posts, followed by that one, so connected the two in my head. Sheesh! Now I can at least reprint a non-colour version, as I originally had. Phew.

Anyway, yes, Lyn, it's the nicest candle ceremony I've ever seen and does bring up the tears (but we'd be crying anyway, right?, so it's an outlet)....although when it's too early in the game, I rather get 'stuck' on that last candle (of hope for the future). I've always added my own thoughts into each section of the lighting as well.

The orphanage is another good idea, too.

One year we volunteered at a local, free Christmas dinner (on Christmas Day) designed for lonely people. The year before that, we'd gone as guests (cuz we've always been quite lonely here, with no family around), a year where we had zero income for most of the year and were struggling...and they loaded us up with enough food to spread out in dinners for WEEKS! Plus, some generous and so-kind 'elf' hid $40 in our take-home hamper as well! We cried tears of relief and thanks, we were so touched and grateful to be shown such kindness from strangers!...especially in light of the fact that, by comparison, none of our friends at the time had helped us out one iota with our lack ALL year. It was a wonderful experience. (they've had to shut it down now, for lack of both volunteers AND guests coming!) But it makes me think....I might just look around for some animal-based volunteering during Dec., complete with a sack full of treats for the homeless fur-people.

Edited by Maylissa
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Lyn,

What a great idea! Good for you!

KayC

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Thanks Kayc, I was thinking of you today. I recalled all the advice you shared with us. You have been a source of strength for me. And i want to thank you again.

Maylissa, I will do the candle ceremony tonight. It has been a very heavy day for me today, and i can only wish for more strength tonight. Thanks for sharing your experience in the orphanage. It enables me not to focus on my sufferings too much. You are a very sensitive person, Maylissa. I have read many of your posts here. You have so much compassion, and i believe that wherever u involve yourself, you will inspire others.

Marty, thank you for the link. All the links you posted here have been an invaluable source of strength for me.

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