It Isn't Getting Better

[Art]

I am new to this forum and I'm not familiar with the way it works yet so please be patient with me and help me if I get it wrong.

I lost my beautiful wife of thirty four years in an auto accident in February of this year and I feel completely devastated. My life is as good as over. I honestly wish I could have gone with her. Everyone has continously told me it will get better with time, but I swear I think it really has gotten worse. I have daughters whom I love dearly, but I just can't seem to learn to cope with being alone. Family and friends urge me to get out and try to enjoy people and events, but I can't do that without my wife. I don't know how I will get through the holidays. Is there any way to stop this pain?

[dpodesta]

Art,

For one there is no right or wrong here, just come and express what you are going through and people here will respond. I completly understand what you are going through it has been almost 17 months since I lost my wife of 12 years. At first I didn't see how I could go on because we did so much together. It sounds like your daughters are grown and out of the house, that part I can't relate to since my son is 8 years old, but he is what kept me here. You are around 8 months right now and if you read a couple of the other posts around you will find a couple where we have been talking about emotions around the 8 month period. Right now it will seem worse, you are feeling like you are stepping backwards and that is ok, it is normal. You have several things against you right now, the main one is the approaching holiday season, the other is I believe you are coming out of the shock of the situation, you are finally realizing that this has actually happened and not a bad dream. I know for me that is what was going on in my mind around 8 months. To help get out of this, just keep coming here and posting during bad times and good times (We always love to hear when someone has something good happen to them) there are a lot of people here that will try and help as much as possible. I hope this helps you in some way and please keep us posted.

Love always

Derek

[karenb]

Hi Art,

I'm glad you found us....this is a group I found about 6 months ago and feel so strongly that these people know exactly what we're all going through, at one stage or another. I'm so sorry about your wife, 34 years is a wonderful lifetime to have had and so hard to deal with her not being there with you now. I lost my husband just over two years ago, and know what you're dealing with. I know things will become easier for you, and as you've heard everywhere, it plain just takes time. All the feelings you're having, and will have, come and go....you'll hear the word, "roller coaster" and it's very true. Unfortunately, you'll have to just roll with the punches and they do hurt. I'm glad you have family and friends, they're invaluable because they knew and loved her, too. There are many suggestions that help us deal with this process, and you'll hear how people here are trying to help themselves. I hope you decide to stay with us. Let us know how you do.

Your friend, Karen

[DesertBob]

Hi Art,

Nothing to "get wrong" here so don't worry.

I lost my wife Aug 1 after a long and difficult illness. Reaching out to this group has been very good for me. It's a good place to talk and vent and realize that you're not alone.

Grief is very individual as to how long it lasts, how intense it is, and how you experience it. I can't -- and shouldn't -- tell you what's right for you, but I will say that for me there has been a balance regarding "getting out". Because I was my wife's sole care giver I did not get out much during her illness but she did insist I maintain my morning coffee ritual with several friends, and so I was able to continue that after she died. Even though casual friends like that are not specifically supportive it has been a touchstone of normalcy for me. My wife's family, although over two thousand miles away, keeps in daily touch with my by email. Gradually, I have gotten out a little to eat out or just drive around or whatever. But I take it slowly.

Things are very uneven and variable. Others here will tell you the same thing. Sometimes you think you are making a great deal of progress and then something reduces you to a puddle again.

I have the advantage that Linda's death wasn't unexpected or unprepared for, and in a way, I gradually lost her over the last five years as we could no longer do the things together that we used to. What happened in your case was much more sudden and shocking. I am sorry, I can't imagine how awful you must feel.

It helps to talk, Art ... about your wife, the accident, your feelings, including the negative ones ... you can do that here and we won't tire of hearing it like friends and family often do.

If I may ask ... are you retired, or still working? Did you have some hobbies or interests of your own that didn't particularly involve your wife? Immersing yourself in some of those things, even if you have to make yourself at first, can help. It's something you can do to keep your mind from going in circles, without having to feel the "differentness" of doing something as an individual that you used to do as a couple.

--Bob

[LarrysGirl]

Art, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife. I wish there was something we could say to take the pain away. We have to find ways of coping and which way is best for each of us. If you have a counselor or someone you can speak with, that would be a good idea. Talking and talking about your wife is part of the healing. Coming to this site and sharing can help also. We all are grieving, so we understand. Just know we are all thinking of you and will listen and support you. Deborah

[WendyJ]

Art,

I am so sorry for the loss of your wife in February, I lost my husband on March 7th of this year. His passing was also very sudden and not expected at all and we had been together since I was 15 and I am now 49. You will find that this is a most wonderful group of such caring and understanding friends, actually we are more like a family. Sometimes when you post your feelings you will think to yourself "They are going to think I am nuts for saying this." and next thing you know like 10 people are saying they are feeling the same ! We tell eachother everything we are feeling whether we think it is silly or weird or whatever because we have all found that we are not alone and so very much alike. We are all hurting very badly like you so you can take comfort in that. My Steve was my everything, my soulmate, my best friend and I too am lost. Take comfort in that you have family and when you feel lonely and they are not around, your family here will be there for you.

Love,

Wendy

[Corinne]

Welcome Art,

I too am glad you found this site. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious wife. I lost my fiance, the father of my two girls in February although they did not find him until April. Grief is definiely a roller coaster. Please post as much as and whatever you need to. We all have happy, sad, and mad moments so whatever you need to get out is fine with us. Also, if you notice us joking around at times it is not belittling what we are going through, it actually helps to relieve some of the stress. We care about each other very much and are like some of the others have said, like a family.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

P.S.

Wendy did you take your meds? Also, has anyone seen or heard from William I am starting to worry since he was having the problems with his sugar?

[karenb]

Hi Corrine,

No, I haven't seen him around. I'm concerned as well. William? Let us know how you are....

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Hey Corrine, yep I already told Derek I took my meds. I take them now as soon as I finish my dinner and it is working out much better. Thanks for asking. Okay now where is my William, now I am getting worried too. When was the last time he posted, anyone know?

Love,

Wendy

[Corinne]

Wendy,

It looks like the last time William posted was on the 30th. That was 2 days ago, that is not normal for him is it?

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

I am glad that you have found a way for you to remember to take you meds reguarly. No that isn't normal for William, I hope he is ok.

Love always

Derek

[WendyJ]

Well last night was Halloween and it is still only 10 pm. Maybe he had therapy tonight, don't forget he has a time differance so lets give it alittle more time before we panic. Hopefully as I am writing this he is posting too !

Love,

Wendy

P.S. I just checked and it is still about 7pm where he is, it's early yet.

[dpodesta]

I just checked the HOV home page which lists eveyone that is on and he ins't logged into here at the moment. Usually he is on by now, it is 9:12 here and I have seen him logged in earlier than this.

Love

Derek

[WendyJ]

I looked where it says users local time but now I see it says that for everyone. Well lets just hope he went to therapy tonight and he will be on soon. William are you out there?

Love,

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Art you have found a good place to come post your feelings. I know how you feel I lost my husband Bruce just a little over 9 months ago and like you it was sudden. One minute he was laughing and the next he was in the snow not breathing. Like you there was no time to say anything. We here married 30 years and like you our kids our a grown. The nights and weekends are the hardest to deal with. So when you are down come and post and we will help get through this. Gail

[karenb]

Well, he's from Phoenix and so is Marty. If he isn't heard from, she may know what to do.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Well I have to go do my checkbook so I can pay some bills that should have been paid last week ! I have been alittle lazy this week so I need to kick myself in the butt and get back on track. I will check back in in alittle bit and see if he is here. Wish me luck....LOL

Love,

Wendy

[WendyJ]

He is signed on now....Hey William where are you ? Come to this page.

Love,

Wendy

P.S. Did you take your meds? Would you believe I remembered mine?

Well Karen he signed on and then signed off without posting, I hope he is okay. I need to go to bed now before Derek gets mad at me...if you are still on sweet dreams and I will talk to you tomorrow !

[lyn]

Art,

I am so sorry for your wife. I am on my 5 months now, still dealing with the hardships of grieving. I couldnt say how long it will take to get better, but i have learned to live with the different emotions that come with grieving. I lost the man i love so much 5 months ago. He was 43, I am 29. We were never given the chance to be together and until now i couldnt fathom the answers. I realized it is the quality of time spent together that matters. We were only together for few months but it felt like spending many decades with him. He has a very beautiful heart, has passion in helping the poor. He touched my life as well as many others. I still have a long journey ahead, and most of the time i am slipping backwards. However, this group has helped me a lot. Their stories and faith have inspired me to keep moving, knowing i am not alone in this journey.

People keep telling me that I still have a great future. It is hard for me to believe, they are not on my shoes. They have never experienced this pain i am feeling. I have stopped looking ahead, i have stopped planning for my future, i have stopped dreaming, instead i am only taking each day as it comes..one step at a time no matter how hard.

Please feel free to share your story with us. It has been very cathartic for me to write my thoughts, i hope it will work for you too.

[teny]

Hi Art Im sorry Ihave to say hi this way and for the reason you are here .I lost my husband 1 year ago today.It is so hard >Finding this place help alot I live in greece but every one here make me feel close .I wish you find support and make this derible loss easier. TENY

[dpodesta]

Teny,

Wow how time flies it doesn't seem like it has been a year. You have made it to a mile stone. You have gone through all of the "firsts" that happen during the first year. Those are the hardest to get through. I am glad that you have found this site, and I think it is awesome that this is going world wide. You are in my thoughts and prayers that God will give you some peace.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

Art,

I am sorry I didn't see your post sooner, I had to work late the last two nights.

Welcome to our site, we are very sorry you lost your wife.

You say people have told you it will get better and you wonder about that. Someone recently expressed that it seems to get better because we develop coping skills and we eventually learn to adjust to our new life. This doesn't necessarily mean we like it. If we could hit an undo button, most would push it. Grieving takes a lot of work and it takes concerted effort to have positive focus and try to go on with life. There's times you don't feel like it but you go on anyway. And yes, eventually life holds a little meaning to it. At first it's just little things, ever so little it take effort to notice them. Eventually it gradually gets better. One of the reasons you may feel it's worse instead of better is because at first we are in shock, and we have family and friends surrounding us, then everyone goes back to their lives except for us, and around six months or so reality begins to set in. We begin to shift from thinking maybe we'll wake up and it'll all just be a bad dream to realizing they aren't coming home and this is the life we're left with. It's at that point it gets harder...plus we've had enough of it, enough of the grieving, enough of the lonleiness, enough of the struggle.

I think it was a couple of months after George died that I ran across a dragonfly refrigerator magnet that said "Find joy in each new day". I bought it to remind myself each day to LOOK for something good in it...I found it in little things, a dog's smile, a rainbow, seeing elk, a sunset, those are the things that brought me joy. It might be a call from a friend, a kind word or smile, or ANY little thing that came my way. I tried to develop a grateful heart. That doesn't mean I didn't have my down times or bad days...if you read my early posts, you'll find I had plenty of them! But in time, it does get better. Not like "before", but "better". I wish you the best, please feel free to share your feelings or thoughts on this site whenever you want. I found it really helped me to not hold it in, to get it out. And we're here for each other, all of us. This site has saved my life.

KayC

[Art]

Thanks to everyone for your warm welcome and kind words. I am so happy that I have found this place, It may seem unkind, but it is not meant that way, I just am so glad to hear from people who have also felt my pain.

I have two particularly hard times each day. The first being when I awake in the morning and realize all over again that my wife is not here any more. This is just about more than I can take so I tend to not sleep any more than I have to in order to avoid the pain of waking up. The other time is in the evening when I have to come home from work to an empty house. No smile, no hug, no "how was your day?",just quiet, loneliness.

My wife was truly the center of my life and I just seem to be so disoriented in a strange,and very cold new world. We had struggled financially for so many years to raise our daughters and then put me through school and just as we were about to get to the point we could afford to enjoy some luxuries she is suddenly taken away. It seems so unfair and I don't know if I will ever be able to truly enjoy life again.

[karenb]

Hi Art...good to see you again.

Mornings and nights are definately the hardest...weekend not too much fun, either, but we do get through them. I, too, feel it's unfair to be alone in this "strange new world" we've been thrown into without the ones we loved the most. As I told you, it's been two years and three months and I have, and to a lesser degree, will be going through the ups and downs of this new life. My sons aren't near but my daughter is. We do get together but, as you know, it certainly isn't the same. Over the last few years I've met new lady friends, am going to a new church, have a small home business, take care of my wonderful companion, Sadie Mae, work in the garden, crafts, and so forth. I've never been a person to be idle so that has helped me adjust a little better. Even so, it's just "a life" and not too much more. My faith helps, though. There may come a day when I would look at a man and not wish it was Jack. None of that even interests me. Well, Art, you'll get along....just keep on plugging away and you'll be fine. Keep in touch.

Your friend, Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Art, I share the same thing as you in the mornings. I wake and at first still startled that Larry is not here. Disbelief every morning, and then you get up and start another day. It will never be the same for me. We shared everything and its hard to go on without him. Sharing with others helps some but it doesn't fill the hole in my heart. Deborah