Miss My Baby..

[lyn]

i am missing my baby terribly. please pray for me, it hurts so badly..need some shoulder to cry on. i wish i will wake up now from this nightmare..i miss him terribly.

[dpodesta]

Lyn,

I wish I could be there and give you that shoulder to cry on. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Love always

Derek

[lyn]

Thank you derek, i really appreciate it. i feel so bad, i couldnt describe the intensity of the pain. i want to see him, i want him to come back..but he is forever gone. i still couldnt accept it. oh God, why does it hurt so bad?

[dpodesta]

Lyn,

I remember the feeling all too well. I believe because of the love you have for him is what makes it hurt so bad. We get so used to having them around to talk to, to hold, and so on that we become a part of them and they a part of us. When they are gone part of us is missing and there are raw nerves there that hurt and they hurt for some time afterwards. There will be a time in the future where it won't hurt as bad. How long that will be for you I can't say but I promise it will come. For now just keep coming here and everyone here will be here for you as best we can since we can't be there for you physically.

Love always

Derek

[kayc]

I remember hearing once that the level of intensity by which we hurt when we miss them is to the degree that we had love with them, and so when I hurt, I knew it was a tribute to the great love that we shared. I still hear his voice and can remember his smell, and what it felt like for him to hold me, like it was yesterday. The missing is something that we continue to live with, yet I'm so glad we had something to miss, that we LIVED! Remember "The Dance"? That is how I feel.

[WendyJ]

Kay,

May I ask what is "The Dance?"

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

A song Garth Brooks sings...you really need to listen to it, it's beautiful, but here's the words:

The Dance

Written by: Tony Arata

Looking back on the memory of

The dance we shared 'neath the stars alone

For a moment all the world was right

How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Holding you I held everything

For a moment wasn't I a king

But if I'd only known how the king would fall

Hey who's to say you know I might have chanced it all

And now I'm glad I didn't know

The way it all would end the way it all would go

Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain

But I'd of had to miss the dance

Yes my life is better left to chance

I could have missed the pain but I'd of had to miss the dance

Let me know if this works (I'm at work and don't have a sound card on my computer, but I think this plays at least part of the song):

http://www.lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=7825

Edited November 14, 2007 by kayc

[Corinne]

Kayc,

That is the song that always reminds me of my Jimmy. I could have missed the pain, but I'd have had to miss the dance. I would not have missed that dance for anything in the world! I love the song but cannot listen to it without crying my eyes out. After almost 11 yrs. it still makes me cry.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[WendyJ]

Thanks Kay it worked. That is beautiful but the one that made me bawl my eyes out was his song on there "If Tomorrow never comes" . I never should have listened to it but it was sooo beautiful.

Love,

Wendy

[DoubleJo]

Lyn: The pain you feel is the love not lost. Feel your pain wrapping you like a cushion. It is making sure that even though your heart is breaking the pieces will never fall. Your tears are glue that hold you together.

It is bending you but in it tightness it is bracing you to face today and tomorrow. Consider this pain the preciousness of what you had and proof it will always be with you in its' many more wonderful forms.

DoubleJo

[kayc]

Thank you Doublejo, that is what I felt, so eloquently put!

Have a good night, you all!

KayC

[lyn]

Thank you for being there for me derek..for allowing me to cry. In the past days i thought i was doing well, i was even counting the days that i did not cry. But yesterday, some events triggered the pain again, the fact that i will not be able to see him anymore hit me so hard, it felt like i was coming back to stage 1 again..it felt like that day i learned of his death..i was in denial, and i was in deep pain.

kayc, i remember everything. i remember his voice, his smile, his love. thank you for sharing the song. if i were to live my life again, i will still live it this way, yes, there is so much pain, but i am forever grateful for the beautiful love i have shared with him.

Wendy and Corinne, we will always miss our loved ones.'if tomorrow..' made me cry too. it is a poignant song. but one thing i'm sure of, he had let me feel how much he love me. his love for me is my strength, my comfort and it will help me endure the coming days ahead.

DoubleJo, most of the time it feels like all the pieces of my heart are scattered in the depth of the ocean, but you are right, they never fall. everyday, i tried to fix it slowly. this pain, this heartaches, together with the happy memories, these are all parts of the precious moments i have with him.

[kayc]

That song, "If Tomorrow Never Comes" is a real heart-getter...

If Tomorrow Never Comes

Written by: Kent Blazy, Garth Brooks

FIRST APPEARED ON

Garth Brooks

ALSO APPEARES ON

The Hits

The Limited Series

Double Live

Sometimes late at night

I lie awake and watch her sleeping

She's lost in peaceful dreams

So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark

And the thought crosses my mind

If I never wake up in the morning

Would she ever doubt the way I feel

About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes

Will she know how much I loved her

Did I try in every way to show her every day

That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through

And she must face the world without me

Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last

If tomorrow never comes

'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life

Who never knew how much I loved them

Now I live with the regret

That my true feelings for them never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself

To say each day how much she means to me

And avoid that circumstance

Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes

Will she know how much I loved her

Did I try in every way to show her every day

That she's my only one

And if my time on earth were through

And she must face the world without me

Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last

If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love

Just what you're thinking of

If tomorrow never comes

http://lyrics.com/lyric.php?id=7818

Edited November 15, 2007 by kayc

[dpodesta]

That song was out before Karen died and I never really heard it until a couple of months after she died, and I really heard the words and it about killed me.

Love always

Derek

[WendyJ]

Me too Derek, I went to listen to the other one Kay had mentioned at it was nice but when I listened to him perform this one I totally lost it. I lost it on the way home from work tonight too, I was doing okay and then just all of a sudden it hit me, I am going home to an empty house, to eat dinner alone, watch tv alone and go to bed alone, it's just too much to handle. I know I just had a couple fairly good days so I knew I was going to be going down again but boy it hit me out of nowhere. Everything we worked for is gone now, all our hopes and dreams are over. I am so lost and scared and lonely and I totally hate this life of mine now. It's just not fair !!!!!

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

Oh Wendy, I'm sorry, maybe I shouldn't have posted it, poignant as it is. I know what you mean...I was with George 6 1/2 years, married for 3 2/3 years...and it seems like I went to so much effort to put our lives together, only to lose it all. It takes time to get through that, and I feel at this point I don't have the energy to go through this again...I've worked really hard on me and John's relationship, but I don't ever want to do this again. My girlfriend says "Never say never!" but I say never all the same! After John, I'm done, I'm tired, I'm old, I quit! I feel for Doublejo, having gone through this twice, and I know other widows who have too, I hope I don't have to.

[dpodesta]

Wendy my dear friend,

I went through the exact same thoughts. I am going to give this to you straight as from what I have read from you this is how you like things. You will need to come to a point where you don't think about the future you could have had. It is a hard thing to do but it must be done in order to continue the healing process. It wasn't until I was able to let that go that I was able to start seeing a future without Karen. For me I stayed sucidal and relyed on acohol until I was able to let that go. I also was able to start discovering who I was without Karen. Now I am able to see a future, I can see that God has something planned for me and have a sense of what he wants for me in this life. I was only able to do that once I got the could have or would have beens out of my thoughts. Now that is not to say that I still think about those from time to time but they are not a primary source of thinking anymore. My heart goes out to you because the things you say are exactly the things I was saying at the begining and I know the tough road you have ahead of you. Just know that I am here for you and I am praying for you when ever you need. I hope this doesn't sound harsh, that is not my intent, but at the same time I don't believe in sugar coating things either. I know that you want to get through this and have a closer relationship with God and this isone of the things that worked for me.

Love always

Derek

[WendyJ]

Derek I love you so much, you always know exactly what to say to me. It is like you can see right through me and you know exactly what I am thinking. I am trying not to think so much of the "What should have beens" but since I was only 15 yrs old when we started dating I don't know who I am without him and I really don't know where to start to find myself. From the time when I was a teenager when my friends were thinking of what they wanted to do as far as careers all I wanted to do was get married and have a family. I got a couple years of college behind me and then Steve and I got married had two children and bought the house with the white picket fence. So what now? Part of that picture is gone, the most important part, my Steve. When you have a dream that is taken away from you when you almost had it completed, then what, start over again? It's just not fair Derek, it's just not fair.

Love,

Wendy

P.S. You are exactly right, I prefer things straight to the point, not candy coated. From that first night you told me to take my meds and that you weren't clowning around I took it seriously and have been pretty good since then. The minute I finish my dinner I hear you telling me to take them and I do.

[Gail_R]

Wendy I am so sorry that you are feeling down. I know what it is like to marry your FIRST LOVE for that is what I also did. Bruce was 22 and I was 17 when we started dating and with in 10 months we where married and not because we not too, as so many people thought but becasue we were in love the first child came 1 1/2 years later. So dear friend I know how you feel and it is hard to be with that one person for most of your life and then in one minute life as we know it is changed. So just know that I am here for you and know that you can count on me as I'm sure that you are here for me. Gail

[WendyJ]

Thank You Gail, I know you are feeling the same things I am and please don't take it the wrong way but it is comforting to know I am not alone. I just can't stop crying tonight, I miss him so much and and it hurts so much. I just don't understand this whole roller coaster thing, and tomorrow starts the weekend so if I am this bad now, I can imagine by the weekend how I will be. Thanks for being there Gail, you are a great friend.

Love,

Wendy

P.S. I am going in to take a shower and go to bed, I just took a Xanax and I know it is going to kick in soon. I was hoping to catch Derek before I went to bed but he is not on right now. Goodnight Gail and I will talk to you tomorrow, thanks again for being there for me.

[dpodesta]

Wendy,

I know exactly what you mean, I felt the same way half of me was riped away and it is not fair at all. But now we are left with trying to make due with that unfairness. Another thing that I have done is I have a part time job dealing Blackjack and Texas Holdem. It gives mr a little extra cash and gets me out on the weekends meeting other people and having fun while earning money. Maybe look into doing some activty like that to get you out on those Friday and Saturday nights. I don't work every Friday and Saturday especially during the summer which is our slow time, and I can always decline any nights that I don't want to work. The other thing I have done was get involved in my church. I know that where you are right now you probably not ready to get involved in church, but see if you can't find something in your area to help occupy your weekends. I know for me when I started the second job weekends were a little more pleasant.

Love always

Derek

PS by your previous message I hope you have taken your meds already.

[Stallyn]

Lyn,

Its so hard, As we see ourselves going day by day the reality is what we had, never goes away, I was out looking for a new home, and did some things for myself and came home and just thought, how much I wished Myrna could share the new home with me if it happens. God has to be with us, I don't know personally how I can keep hammering away.

Love,

William

[lyn]

That is exactly how i felt the other day William. It is so sad to know that my baby is no longer here with me to share my thoughts, my fears, my doubts. I often doubt my capabilities, but he was the first one to believed on me, to push beyond my limits. I often wonder how long i can go on? i hear myself saying, i dont want this life anymore, i want to give up. enough is enough. i can no longer bear the pain, i am not strong. but there's nothing i can do but to cry. all the feelings just explode. what is the use of going through life without him? the man i love so much was taken away from me...why am i still here, i dont want to live this life without him.

[dpodesta]

I know you all are just in the begining stages of this grief journey and it seems hopeless. I remember those thought all too well. What I have found is that once I got through the first holiday season that things started looking better. You are strong enough to get through this even tho it doesn't like it at this point. Just take it one day at a time.

Love always

Derek

[lyn]

I wish i can just walk away from the pain. I tried to sleep it out..i slept for 15 hours straight..hah! but i still woke up with a heavy heart. I dont know where to get my strength anymore. I feel so tired. I know there will be brighter days ahead, but it is hard to believe it when you are the one stuck on this. one day, one hour, one minute at a time. pls heal me Lord..pls heal my broken heart.