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Almost 7 Months And Getting More And More Difficult


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It has been nearly 7 months. I'm not sure if it's the holidays or what, but i don't even want to get out of bed anymore- much less decorate for Christmas. My 3 boys are here with me (14,16,20)and I will do it for them. I find myself crying more often than the past couple months. I feel totally drained and miss Michael more and more everyday. I'm a nurse and I am finding that i can't tolerate some patients at all. There are people that complain about having to wait 15 minutes or are upset because they have to be at the hospital 2 hours before surgery or, worst of all, complain about their spouse. I want to scream at them. And then there are the pts that come in with metastatic cancer. It takes every bit of strength I have to take care of and teach these pts. All I see is Michael. But on the other hand, everything we have gone through and are going thru makes me much more sensitive to pt needs. I know what it's like to be on the other side, to be at the mercy of doctors and nurses and of course the disease itself. This is only the second time i have posted on this site, but I read all the time and the stories and comments are a comfort. I decided to post today because I am so upset about the holidays. I'm not sure where that work thing came from. Well, thanks for listening. Teri B

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Teri

My heart goes out to you. I am at a little over nine months on the loss of my beautiful husband Will. I know what you mean at being at the mercy of doctors, there was only one when Will died that showed any compassion to me and I don't even remember her name. She was in the emergency room and took the time when he was in intensive care to come and talk with me. All of the others were so matter of fact. I have often wondered, do they have any compassion at all. One even came in and before his heart stopped on the monitor and said "well he's already gone". This was a person, my soulmate, the love of my life. Holidays are distressing to say the least. I ponder on how I can survive that, but I just take one day at a time. I have found such comfort here, people who understand, and we all walk this unwanted, unwelcome journey together. I could not have made it without all of the beautiful friends I have found here.

Suzanne

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Hi Teri

I am coming up on ten months since my wife of 34 years died in an auto accident. As I told Teny in a post just yesterday, people keep telling me that it will get better in time, but so far it only seems to be getting worse. I work in a very high stress profession dealing with some pretty down and out people, many of whom don't have a lot of hope left. There are a few though who seem genuinely to want to do better and recover from where the are. maybe its just me and my state of mind that makes it seem so, but it seems to be those that society is hardest on. There just doesn't seem to be any compassion left in the world.

I agree with Suzanne the holidays are especially stressful for us who are in such a deep state of loneliness and pain. I have been trying to do exactly what she advised and that is to just take it one day at a time and stay in touch with the wonderful people here on this forum. Any journey is easier when you don't have to make it alone.

Art

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Teri,

I think it is a combination of the holidays and being at 7 months. It seems like everyone has problems around the 7 month mark. You are going through what I went through last year. I didn't want Christmas to come and I wanted nothing to do with it. However I have an 8 year old son so I had to put the tree up and I put the lights up around the house and thought I portrayed excitement. I found out this year through a friend that Carson talks to that he said that he thought I was doing better this year than last. She told me he said that I was very sad this time last year. I never realiazed how in tune Carson is with me. It just seems like I can't hide anything from him. Anyway I know how difficult it is for you and everyone else that is here around this time of year. Just keep coming here and let out your feelings and you will find that you are not alone.

Love always

Derek

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Teri, I wish I could give you a hug. Being a caregiver and a single parent would challenge anyone. And 7 months ago the worst that could happen, happened to you. So between what you're going through and what you see at the hospital daily, you know how insignificant people's petty complaints are compared to life and death issues. It's no wonder you feel like screaming at them to get their priorities straight.

But I'm glad you say that your experience has also made you more sensitive to patient needs (and also, I'm sure, to what the patients' loved ones are going through). When my husband was dying, I felt blessed because his nurses couldn't have been more kind or compassionate. They took care of Bill gently and respectfully even when it involved not-so-pleasant tasks. And the nurses' kindness gave me comfort when I badly needed it. They brought me food when I wouldn't leave his bedside to eat, and they'd take time from their rounds to talk with me and provide candid answers to questions that the doctors didn't seem to have time for. The night nurse even called me at home to let me know Bill was resting comfortably and to ask how I was holding up.

As far as getting through the holidays, do only as much holiday-related stuff as you feel you can handle. You might feel you should try to do more for your boys' sake, but they're old enough to understand that these are not normal times for you all. They're also at an age where, if they want some special things for the holidays, they can take on some of the responsibility for handling the details. (They can help you with the shopping, cooking, whatever.)

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  • 1 month later...

Teri -

I've just now become a new member and not sure I'm doing any of this correctly - but I'll keep trying because even typing these messages out keeps my mind occupied for a while. MY heart goes out to you - I, too, feel that

things are just getting worse for me...and I feel so desperate and hopeless

when I wake each day and know my husband is not coming back to me. I can\

see him so clearly when he was sick and my heart breaks and then I see him

when he was healthy and I see him joking with me and teasing and shopping and

eating and walking and biking and just holding me and I die with each memory.

I cry now more than ever--someone said to me after asking how are you today -

your tears are probably all dried up. They have no idea. I feel as though

I'm burning with pain on the inside. I can't get interested in books anymore and I used to be an avid reader - I can't watch the news because it all seems so insignificant - we're here for such a short time and make so much

of nothing - and I too seem to lose patience and want to scream when someone

makes a complaint about some minor infraction or minor illness. My husband

was so strong for three years and we fought and did everything for him to live, but when the indiginities of his last hospital stay were such that he

just couldn't do it anymore, he said he wanted to die, to just fall asleep and

not wake up; he didn't want to leave me alone, but the pain of his life was too much...I know he worried about leaving me all alone and I know that he

would have fought to live if the pain hadn't been so much...I miss him so much

that I don't think I can go on much longer. Life without him just doesn't seem worth it. I thought about trying to volunteer at a childrens hospital,

but now I think I would only make it worse for everyone by bringing them down

with my sadness... because all I feel is this overwhelming sadness...I have

felt this way since he died - but only worse. I can only recall some respite

when a few times I had dreams in which he and I were doing things and I felt

normal and then I woke and for that brief instant while awake and before realizing it was a dream, I had a light, pleasant feeling. I don't know what

to do with myself - I think if I don't do something I'll lose my mind...one of the reasons I signed on to this support group I think was a desperate cry for help. I have virtually no support group in my life. I feel self conscious, I think, about burdening either family or friends - I think they

think I should be better by now, so I hold things in and on the surface - I

appear ok...but I'm screaming on the inside. thank you for listening.

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Lily, you've found the right site to share your feelings and sadness. I know you feel overwhelmed. Grief brings all kinds of emotions with it. Frustration, anger, sadness, confusion is part of everyday life for awhile. I didn't have much support around me but this site has been a great source of help and kindess. I'm so sorry for the lose of your husband. I've had those dreams also and for a brief moment all is right with the world and then you finally awaken and reality hits again. Its very hard. Keep writing and talking to us, we are here listening and we understand. Deborah

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Lily,

I'm so sorry for your loss. Many of us on this site are still plagued by all the feelings you describe, but till now I didn't know of any other book lovers whose grief killed their zest for reading. In normal times readers like us inhale books, but when my parents died, and since my husband passed away two months ago, reading stopped being a joy and no longer takes me to places and times I couldn't visit otherwise. I've been trying to read about dealing with grief and life after death, but no books can take me where I wish I could be - with him in this world or the next.

Waking up from vivid dreams of your loved one to cold reality hurts, but take comfort in them and your memories of him. Who knows if it's true, but I like to think that dreaming of someone you loved who has passed is a kind of communication with them. Not long ago, I dreamed that my husband was hugging me...and I really physically felt the embrace...but crashed when I came fully awake. But I still cherish that dream because for a while, it gave him back to me and took the sorrow away.

Like you, I've also had thoughts of volunteering, but know I'm not ready to do it. In most cases, reaching out to others is a good thing and being self-centered isn't; however, grieving people need to focus on caring for ourselves because right now, we aren't "centered" on anything. Our worlds have been turned upside down and our hopes have been smashed flat, and we need time to heal and regain our bearings. You'll get much support and understanding from this site.

I can't get interested in books anymore and I used to be an avid reader - I can't watch the news because it all seems so insignificant - we're here for such a short time and make so much

of nothing - and I too seem to lose patience and want to scream when someone

makes a complaint about some minor infraction or minor illness...I thought about trying to volunteer at a childrens hospital,

but now I think I would only make it worse for everyone by bringing them down

with my sadness... because all I feel is this overwhelming sadness

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Lily,

I am truly sorry for your loss. I like you felt guilty about burdening my family and friends with my loss, then I found this site and it is full of such wonderful caring people that they have become like family. On this site you can say anything without feeling you are being judged and without someone thinking you should be over it by now. Please post all you want and say what you need to it is amazing how it helps.

Hugs & prayers, :wub:

Corinne

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Lily,

We welcome you to this site but are sorry you have need of it...we are very sorry you lost your husband. How long has it been?

I used to be an avid reader, all of my life, but can no longer focus on reading...you are not alone in your feelings. We are here to support you and walk through this with you.

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Lily I too am so sorry for your loss, you have found the right place to be. We are all like family here and I myself know I probably would not have made it this far without everyone. I can not tell you how many times I have posted something and then thought to myself that everyone is going to think I am crazy only to find out that many people had the same feelings or thoughts etc. and made me feel so good to know I was not alone. My husband passed suddenly on March 7th 2007 and I can't believe soon it will be a year. It seems so much like yesterday, yet it seems like I have not seen him in years. Next Thursday would have been his birthday, and it is going to be rough for me as I miss him so very much and do not believe a day goes by that I do not cry for wanting to be with him again and wanting my old life back. Every morning when I wake up I still look over to his side of the bed to see if it was all a horrible dream, so far he is not there. Maybe tomorrow?

Hugs,

Wendy

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Wendy..I know how you feel. Tomorrow will be one year that Bruce is gone..One year I still cann't believe that he is really not with me anymore. As I sit here today and type this post I am thinking about last year and thinking to myself...maybe if we not gone curling..just maybe he would still be here today with me. I MISS HIM SO MUCH my heart breaks for all the things that we should have had together...time to spend as a couple now that our kids are all grown up and he will miss see his two grandbabies that are coming this year..I know how something like this could happen to a young man well I think that he was young ..he was only 53 years old. Well Wendy if I and get through the next two days I will be going good. Thanks for letting me type and you and everyone else being there for me and listening to me. Love Gail :wub:

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Gail my dear dear friend tomorrow is a year? Oh man I wish you lived near me so I could come over and try to keep you mind off of tomorrow, I am dreading this Thurs as it is Steve's Birthday so this won't be a good week for either of us. My Mom is having a horrible time with her chemo, she is so so nauseous, they changed her nausea medicine but she can't stomach hardly anything at all not even much water. She is horribly gassy too. Anybody have any ideas for her? Gail if I am not here tomorrow because of my Mom I am sending big big )))HUGS((( your way to comfort you !!!

Love,

Wendy

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