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Well this was my second Christmas without Karen. It went well, but I have had some time to do some reflections this weekend. I was talking to my step mom a couple of days ago and in doing so finally realized that I am still running away from my emotions. I don't know if it is the season, or the stuff going on at work. I am sure it is a little of both. When I got home tonight I was standing outside and a feeling of depression came over me. I saw family tonight all with their spouses adn them being happy, and I realized how much I miss having someone to hold. I still can't believe it has been a little over a year and a half. I don't like asking "why" because I know that God knows what he is doing and my life has been going in a good direction, I guess I am just tired of doing it by myself. I hope Christmas has gone well for everyone considering the circumstances. THanks for being here and listening.

Love always

Derek

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Hi Derek,

I am sorry you are having a hard time now. Am glad Christmas is over, have survived it, tried to keep myself very busy, but I couldnt escape the sadness too. Have this lump in my throat, trying so hard not to break down. Everytime I see couples, the waves of sadness overcome me, and I have to reassure myself that I am ok now, that I am slowly beginning to adjust how to live my life without him..that maybe, i am beginning to accept the fact that he is not meant for me..It is too painful to say this, but i have to let it out.

I have also stopped asking the 'why's', just accepting what life will offer me each day, not hoping not expecting anything at all. As u said, God knows what He is doing, so let it be.

Hang in there Derek. I know this is real hard, but we just have to be strong.

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Derek

I am sorry it was so a hard day for you, i think this time of yr just makes all the pain so much worse. I know that God has a plan for all of us but sometimes it is so hard to see that. As humans we want it our way not his. Just keep believing that He will see you through and He will give you the strength.

How is Carson doing? How did he handle Christmas this yr? Are you both still going for therapy? I myself have slowed down, i am working more and financially it became alot.

My thoughts and prayers are always with you. Lori

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Hi Derek,

I'm glad Carson is doing well, bless his little heart. And you sound good, too. I had a bit of a "thing" about Jack a little while back but I bounced out of it after a while. I know that's to be expected and I knew to just go through it as before. As you said there's no use to ask, "Why?" His plan is beyond us and I trust him wholeheartedly. I get very tired of doing things alone and, on top of that, if something goes wrong and I don't know how to fix it, I have to pay to have it done. That sucks! You definately are going in the right direction. We'll always miss them and treasure those good memories. The New Year will continue to heal your heart. Keep up the good work, Derek, and I'm glad you're such a good father.

Your friend, Karen :wub:;)

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I am very glad Christmas is over. Out of the 4 days off from work, I think I didn’t cry 1 of those days. I realize it’s all still very new to me. Mike has only been gone for a little over a month, but the pain feels like a lifetime. All of you sound like you are doing so well, I’ll be glad when I can get to that point. I still question God’s reasons for taking such a good husband, father & grandfather. I’m hoping one day soon I’ll get to the point you are all at. I’m hoping the New Year will bring all of us that have lost a loved one, laughter and happiness.

Derek, it is very hard to do everything alone, but hang in there. I’m sure it will get easier. At least I keep telling myself that. I even surprised myself tonight; I have no idea how to grill meat, which was totally my husband’s job while I did the veggies. One the way home from work today I told myself that it was time that I learned to grill so I could eat a steak. And I did it. It was a baby step, but the steak was very good and I ate the whole thing. (lol)

I wish all of you a very Happy and Safe New Year,

Lynn

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Derek,

Are you really running from your emotions or just processing as many of them as you can handle at once? The important thing is that you don't deny or submerge the feelings as they surface.

Christmas Eve and Christmas morning surfaced some more of the dark feelings for me: the wrongness and injustice of it, the can't-believe-she's-gone stuff ... then I trudged on out to have Christmas dinner with friends and ended up feeling recharged. Go figure.

Then today (following the overnight melt-down of my water heater -- great timing!) Linda's autopsy results finally showed up. I interpreted them for her family, sent a copy to her doctor for the benefit of ongoing research, and shared some of the details with an environmental illness discussion list that I am on. All this seemed neither especially positive or negative; I imagine it will hit me later. Does that mean I'm running from my emotions?

Nah, I think it just means that I can be busy and productive or I can blubber, and blubbering gets old so I try to ration it out a little ;-)

Best,

--Bob

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Derek,

You don't seem to me to be running from your emotions, you are in touch with how you feel, and it's understandable you will miss your wife and not like being alone, that's to be expected. For all of us, no matter how much time goes by, there are those times when it hits us and we miss them, they were unique and special to us in ways that no one else ever has been or ever will be, because they were uniquely them. Christmas is an especially nostalgic time when we will naturally remember and reminisque over times in the past, and in our hearts is an unspoken tribute to those we love and miss.

Right now I have a lot of snow and it is snowing still...I feel a little overwhelmed at times like this with no one here beside me to help me face whatever comes, and I imagine all of you have those times too. I was fortunate to have my husband here for four days and my son home for three days and my daughter and her fiance for part of a day...now I am alone and as I have some time off from work, I'm sure I will be feeling it tomorrow. I plan to travel to Portland this weekend to be with my husband for five nights and then back to the same old, same old next week. I will be without a computer but my heart is always with all of you, you are my family and I could not have made it without you. I pray that I can encourage each of you in some way, some day, you are my unsung heroes.

Love,

KayC

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Derek,

Sounds to me like you're handling your loss remarkably well. You'll miss Karen the rest of your life, so when sentimental times like Christmas come up, it's natural to feel your loss more then. But you're moving forward and things are going well for you, so you're on the right track.

I hope I'll be doing as well as you after a year or so. My grief is still new, so I'm still trying to survive hour by hour. The only reasons I made it through this Christmas were faith in God, the fact that my sister traveled 2,000 miles so I wouldn't be alone for the holiday, and some kind acts by close friends.

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