Losing Control

[Lily]

This is good - being able to write out what's in your heart and mind without fear of taking up somone else's time or someone telling you what you should be or should not be doing. I know people mean well and I know that people don't know what to say or do, but right now I can't handle their uncomfortableness. I feel as though I'm getting worse as each day goes by and when somone calls and asks Am I OK? I feel like shrieking...today I attempted to find out if there were local grief support groups, but its

Saturday and offices are closed - but I did get hold of a hospice number and

the nurse said she would have someone call me with info on Monday. She asked

if I was OK? I became unraveled and shouted no, I'm not ok, but I'll wait until Monday. See, I feel like I'm being overly sensitive - so of course no

one wants to be around a crazy lady. I am an intelligent, educated retired

professional and yet I can't explain it - but there's a part of me that thinks

my husband will be here tomorrow or the next day...it's almost as if I don't

want to join a grief support group because then I am accepting that he's gone...and when the moments come that he is not ever coming back to me, I want

to die. When you all wrote to me, telling me how you understood and how you

too had a dream in which your husband was holding you, how you think too he's

coming back, I cried and cried. I know now that I'm not alone in my pain and

I think I know too that you have to actually be in a similar situation - because then you actually do understand what is happening to someone.

Right now almost everything seems irrelevant to me...my husband died and

I had to pack some books that he had been reading and never finished. He

wondered before we left our home for his treatment when they would be finished

with paving the road - and I came home to the paved road that he never will see...the bicycles that he was getting ready for our trip on still on the stand in the basement with his bike tools lying around...I can hear him so clearly calling me, asking me if I could come down for a minute to help him

with something...just ordinary life - how can someone make such a difference.

I've resorted to buying a book on having the spirit of the loved one come

back through gazing into a mirror - but you have to be relaxed and I'm always

either on the verge of tears or crying...and I think if my husband came back, I would never let him go....see I hope you all don't think I'm too crazy for

all this but I have nowhere else to go with this pain. I want him with me

and I know, really know, that will not happen. You know, I can sleep at night, but the moment I wake up - it's bad. I, too, try to sleep late, but

can't...even tried sleeping pills, but they only let me sleep soundly and not

longer. I wish so much to just die in my sleep. I held my husband in my arms when he died and I wish he would or could just do the same for me. Please don't think I'm too morbid - I don't want you to stop writing - but

right now I just feel as though I'm a well of tears and have never felt such

despairing sadness - I can write all I want and for the moment I'm writing,

my mind is on the keyboard - but this won't bring him back either will it.

Now I feel as though I'm not helping anyone else or supporting them but adding

to their sadness. Please forgive me if I've done that - but I can't seem to

help myself - I want comfort so badly that I let all emotions out and I guess

I can only do that anonymously and not feel self conscious or that I'm making

someone feel uncomfortable because I can't see you - yet I know you are all

real persons who are suffering and are in pain and agony as I am. Thank you

all for listening to me.

[Guest moparlicious]

Lily,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I appreciate your personal message you sent me that was so sweet, why this thing put a quote up of what you wrote, I do not know, with my name, odd, oh well. I know all these feelings you are going through are what I hear is called normal, although I do not know what normal is, I know how you feel. We are all here for you to vent, scream, talk, share your experiences and feelings anytime, anyday!!! I have found everyone on here are so warm, caring, compassionate and have become true and loyal friends.We are all in this incredibly hard journey, but we all have each others hands and we will walk this together,one hour or minute at a time, whatever you need, I have days filled with as I am a lost soul and miss my Dan more than life itself, but have been given no other alternative to go on, even though I may have many why's and many hard days, I do it. No one on this site is here to judge, criticize or condem you for any reason. You will find love and support here, from all corners of the world. It is such a wonderful feeling to know everyone does care. We are all always ears, eyes and hearts for each other.Feel free to grieve anytime and anyway you can and what helps you get through the day!!! I care about you.God Bless, Kim

[Gail_R]

Lily and Kim..you both have come to the right place. I know my husband Bruce has been gone one year tomorrow and without this site I'm not sure I would have made it this far..I thank god everyday for everyone on this site...it is true we have all gone through the samething...the lost of our beloved other halves and everyone here will help each other through the very dark and long and lonely day's and night's. We can come here vent,cry scream and know that no one will judge us just know that they will be here to talks us walks us and carry us through this...we do not have to be alone here. Take care ladies. Gail

[karenb]

Hi Lily,

What they say about writing these feelings down does help, like people keeping journals. I know it's so terribly hard to be where you are now, like you'll never make it through it. You will, Lily, just keep yourself healthy and flow with these feelings. They'll come and go for quite a while, if it's anything like what I went through. But, for me, it's been 2 1/2 years now and things are very much better. I still come here, though, because it feels just like a wonderful family who really knows what it's like to lose someone so close. We do go on a day or hour at a time. Surround yourself with caring people, even if you don't want to talk to them. Just explain, they'll understand especially if they loved him, too. Your pain is so very real and we completely understand. Just keep writing and know that better times will come. You'll never get over it, just get used to it, and you and your wonderful husband will always love each other. Hang in there, Lily.

Your friend, Karen

[suzanne]

Lily

I know exactly how you feel. It's the way we all feel so don't worry about adding to the sadness of anyone here. We're already there. I'm fast approaching 11 months since I lost my beloved husband Will and I still have those moments I think one day he is coming back and then reality hits. Back and forth. Grief is a terribly hard journey and without the support of everyone here I think I would have lost my mind. I soon learned when people asked if you are okay all they want to hear is "fine, yeh I'm fine" or they just don't want to talk anymore. So that's what I've learned to say. They don't get it and it's useless to try to explain it. It's not like that here. We all know we are not fine, so say whatever is in your heart, we'll listen and it helps to tell people who do understand. You are not crazy. I hope you can find a support group. I didn't attend but one meeting of one where I live but it was not the right fit for me. For now coming here is enough support for me. It was the only I could find that met on the weekend and my work schedule doesn't work for me during the week or I probably would try again. Since you are retired you could be open to any schedule. I wish you the best of finding one on Monday and hopefully it will help. In the meantime, just keep posting and let those feelings out.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Oh Lily you are so far from crazy and if by some strange reason someone proves you are...then we all are. You have not said or expressed anything that we haven't all said ourselves. I cried the whole time reading your post because I could not only feel your pain, I live your pain. I started seeing Steve when I was 15 years old...not even allowed to date till I was 16 years old. We dated, we married, we had two beautiful daughters, bought the little ranch with the white picket fence on a quiet little dead end street. Now my Steve is gone, my oldest daughter is married and lives a couple hours from here and my youngest daughter is 22 works and dates and is going for her black belt in Karate and is never home. Lily this is not how my life was supposed to be ! This is not what we planned ! I don't want to be alone, it scares the hell out of me. I think back to last year at Christmastime and it now seems magical to me that we were all here and happy. This year I was alone on Christmas Eve and in the morning it was just my daughter and I. Many times in the past like you I have thought just let me die, what is there to live for but I have made it to almost a year and I miss him sooooo much. March 7th will be a year and his clothes are still in thier place in the closet and in his drawers and even his dirty clothes in his hamper ! Ewwww ! I still have his motorcycle, his truck his tools everything ! I know he is not coming back but I can dream can't I ? His things bring me comfort and they will stay right where they are till I say so ! You go right ahead and post whenever you want day or night and we will be here for you too every step of the way.

Love,

Wendy

[Art]

Hi Lily,

The others have already said it, but let me also tell you that you are not crazy. I have experienced most of the same thoughts, pains and tears that you talk about. I have so many times wished that it could have been me instead of my beautiful Charlene. I have wished I could just join her or at least be out of this awful, lonely, dismal state I've been in for almost eleven months now. I have been so emotionally devastated that I find it difficult to do even the simplest things. My circle of friends seems to be shrinking and I don't much care. I have so little in common with them any more. This forum is the only place I feel comfortable talking about my feelings. People around me seem so cold and uncaring that every day brings another hurt of some kind. I have simply had to withdraw from as many people as I can and I plan to stay that way until I feel I'm able to cope with it. I just try to take survival a day at a time and hope I can heal. I think this approach and the help of those who also know the pain is the only reason I've made it this far. I don't mean to discourage or burden you, or others, but only want you to know that you are not alone. That realization has meant so much to me. The great people here will never know how many tear-filled nights they have brought me through. I am so thankful for them each and every one. So give us your hand and lets all walk together on this trail of tears.

Art

[Lynette]

Hi Lily,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! We all have had or having the exact emotions that you are experiencing right now. My “Soulmate” has been gone from my life for only two months and I can honestly tell you that it does get easier each month. You will always miss him and love him, and you will have days that you feel that you no longer want to go on living without him. Then you will have good days where you realize that your love would want you to go on living not only for yourself but for him too. There will be days where you feel him real close to you and then days that you don’t feel him close but remember he is always with you.

The two things that help me get through the hours, days, weeks is staying very busy, and reading, posting on this website. It helps me knowing that I am not alone and knowing the feelings I am having, others have experienced the same. You are defiantly not crazy; please get that out of your mind. After Mike passed, there were times that I tried to think of ways I could take my own life to be with him. The only reason I could not go through with it was realizing what it would do to my family. My sons and grandkids just lost their Dad and Paw-Paw, what would it do to them if they lost their Mom & Grammy too? I had to stop thinking about just my feelings and take in consideration their feelings too.

When you are feeling all alone and need someone to talk to, get on this website, the people here are awesome and will help you in any way they can. You will never be alone; we are all here for you.

Your friend, Love

Lynette

[DesertBob]

Lily,

Yes, it's good that you're writing. It's therapeutic. You might want to save what you write so that you can see how you have progressed from month to month. The pain is intense enough that it's easier to see progress through your writings over time, I've found. Once in awhile I go back and see where I was at two or three months ago and I can more readily see that, yes, I'm getting somewhere, a little at a time.

Of course you can look up your old messages here but it's simpler if you paste everything into a text or Word document or something like that on your computer, and date each entry.

The things you mention like your husband's unfinished books, the completed paving ... the early days seem particularly full of experiences like that. At the beginning, almost everything is a "first". In my experience at least, this is one of the first and quickest things to get better, especially if you don't try to avoid the pain of those experiences. If you disassociate or avoid such experiences altogether, then the pain is waiting for you the next time around -- the next anniversary or the next time that issue comes up, the pain is still there, waiting for you to process it. This is why in general we don't need our family and friends to distract us from these things, we need them to sit with us through them, cry with us, listen to us, not entertain and distract us.

Our hearts go out to you as you face this hardest of life experiences.

--Bob

This is good - being able to write out what's in your heart and mind without fear of taking up somone else's time or someone telling you what you should be or should not be doing.

[teny]

HI lily I can feel your pain and I know it does not help to tell you that it could be my words as well.When did your husband die? Was he in hospital?Do you have family or friends close to you?Its a gret help to keep posting.Im thinking of you >TENY

[kayc]

Lily,

This is about the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through, and no, you're not crazy, we've all been there. This weekend as I was having a heart attack the thought came to me that I could go be with George and be out of the stress and problems of this world, but I am not done here yet, I have John and my kids, and I love and care about them and they need me yet. When my time comes I know I will be going to a more peaceful place but as for now, I still have this world to deal with. It is not unusual to feel conflicting feelings, but this is the world we are currently living in, and those of us with kids, parents, siblings, friends, we must consider them and keep on keeping on.

You are in our thoughts and prayers, you, Lily, Sheri, so many others who are going through this afresh and new. We care about you.

[cal]

Dear Lily, this is my fist time at this.Considering venturing outside of my realm of hell.I thought it was suppose to get better and easier with time,but it seems to be getting worse.I lost my husband Jack a year ago, on January 2 2007 @ 6:02 pm.Your letter inspired me to do this ,plus a good friend of mine said that maybe it would help me.I am so sorry for your loss.I scanned through all the letters and it just awe struck me! There are so many!I know death is part of life. It doesn't matter how well you think you are prepared,you never really are. He asked me to be strong. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it! How rediculous was that!! I just want to thank you

Christie

Edited March 2, 2008 by cal