Lily Posted January 19, 2008 Report Share Posted January 19, 2008 This is good - being able to write out what's in your heart and mind without fear of taking up somone else's time or someone telling you what you should be or should not be doing. I know people mean well and I know that people don't know what to say or do, but right now I can't handle their uncomfortableness. I feel as though I'm getting worse as each day goes by and when somone calls and asks Am I OK? I feel like shrieking...today I attempted to find out if there were local grief support groups, but itsSaturday and offices are closed - but I did get hold of a hospice number andthe nurse said she would have someone call me with info on Monday. She askedif I was OK? I became unraveled and shouted no, I'm not ok, but I'll wait until Monday. See, I feel like I'm being overly sensitive - so of course noone wants to be around a crazy lady. I am an intelligent, educated retiredprofessional and yet I can't explain it - but there's a part of me that thinksmy husband will be here tomorrow or the next day...it's almost as if I don'twant to join a grief support group because then I am accepting that he's gone...and when the moments come that he is not ever coming back to me, I wantto die. When you all wrote to me, telling me how you understood and how youtoo had a dream in which your husband was holding you, how you think too he'scoming back, I cried and cried. I know now that I'm not alone in my pain andI think I know too that you have to actually be in a similar situation - because then you actually do understand what is happening to someone. Right now almost everything seems irrelevant to me...my husband died andI had to pack some books that he had been reading and never finished. Hewondered before we left our home for his treatment when they would be finishedwith paving the road - and I came home to the paved road that he never will see...the bicycles that he was getting ready for our trip on still on the stand in the basement with his bike tools lying around...I can hear him so clearly calling me, asking me if I could come down for a minute to help himwith something...just ordinary life - how can someone make such a difference. I've resorted to buying a book on having the spirit of the loved one comeback through gazing into a mirror - but you have to be relaxed and I'm alwayseither on the verge of tears or crying...and I think if my husband came back, I would never let him go....see I hope you all don't think I'm too crazy forall this but I have nowhere else to go with this pain. I want him with meand I know, really know, that will not happen. You know, I can sleep at night, but the moment I wake up - it's bad. I, too, try to sleep late, butcan't...even tried sleeping pills, but they only let me sleep soundly and notlonger. I wish so much to just die in my sleep. I held my husband in my arms when he died and I wish he would or could just do the same for me. Please don't think I'm too morbid - I don't want you to stop writing - butright now I just feel as though I'm a well of tears and have never felt suchdespairing sadness - I can write all I want and for the moment I'm writing,my mind is on the keyboard - but this won't bring him back either will it.Now I feel as though I'm not helping anyone else or supporting them but addingto their sadness. Please forgive me if I've done that - but I can't seem tohelp myself - I want comfort so badly that I let all emotions out and I guessI can only do that anonymously and not feel self conscious or that I'm makingsomeone feel uncomfortable because I can't see you - yet I know you are allreal persons who are suffering and are in pain and agony as I am. Thank youall for listening to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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