One Year And One Week

[Gail_R]

One year and one week today my husband Bruce died..I thought that I was doing so well and then today I woke-up and the tear are flowing like it was yesterday that he died. I miss him so much my heart aches. I'm not sure if the weather or jsut that it's the end of anyother weekend..but today I feel so sad. Sometimes I'm not sure how I'm suppose to did this without him. Why does this have to be so dam hard. Last night I had a dream about him..he said honey this has all been a bad dream when you wake up I will be right here in bed with you...well I woke up and he was not in bed with me..so could someone please tell me why I had that dream. If I could do just one thing different I would change the day he died..would not have gone curling and maybe he would still be here with me. Thanks everyone for being here and listening to me. Gail

[dpodesta]

Gail,

I know that dream beli had to be tough, I believe that the dream happened because it is something that you really would like to happen. Getting through the first year is tough hoever unfortunately we will still hyave those days where we step backwards. I am coming up on 2 years and last night was a difficult night for me. I wish I knew the answers to all the questions but I am still trying to find the answers myself. Just remember that the difficult times will start to be further apa®t as time goes on.

Love always

Derek

[Gail_R]

Derek I know what you mean..but the dream so real I was sure that when I opened my eyes this morning that Bruce would be right there in our bed. I think that it maybe because I am doing a little work inour house. Bruce and I have talked about redoing the kitchen for a long time and this past week i got it done..put new floor and a oak rail around my steps these are all things that we were going to do together if this maybe why I'm having a these feeling not sure but maybe. Thanks for answering my post. Gail

[Dusky]

Gail R,

The first year of firsts is so very difficult. For me it has been nearly two and a half years and I can still remember the pain of that first anniversary of Jack's death. I know how you keep waiting for something to change and wishing for dreams to be the reality of life rather than the disappointment they can sometimes be realized when you finally wake.

I thought perhaps I would share a passage from my book that will be release soon – that deals with what I felt at the one-year anniversary. I hope you find some comfort in what is below – if only to know that others have been there and understand this pain. Here is what I wrote":

“Every book or article I had read about grieving said that on the first anniversary of a loved one’s death, the worst part of the grieving process is over. But on August 1, 2006, the first day of my second year without Jack, I was in just as much pain as I was one year earlier! I had begun to heal, so I expected I would start to feel better. I scolded myself: The first year is over, and now the only thing I have to look forward to is a year of “seconds.” Do I really expect to be able go on as I had when Jack was at my side?

I was in danger of losing hope again. And hope is a terrible thing to lose. I knew this, as I’d already lost and found it several times over the previous months, beginning with Jack’s diagnosis in October 2004. And hope was not only lost, it was dashed, forgotten, and abandoned, because terminal cancer has a way of eating away not only the flesh of its victims, but also the hearts and souls of their loved ones. So much is hoped, wished, and prayed for, that when death finally claims the one you love, you don’t have any hope left; it takes super human efforts by your heart and soul, and months of grieving to restore it. I am thankful I had my strong core of support and other dear friends to help me.”

Peace and love to you on this difficult day.

John – Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[Gail_R]

Dusty that was beautiful...and I think that you have said it all..as I start on my seconds without Bruce I thought that it would get easier..like in two weeks my youngest son will celebrate his second birthday without his dad and my daugther two weeks after that.. so with that said I still have a long way to go..When you are with someone for over 30 years..married 30 and went out for 10 months all the pain can not be gone in one year. Dusty not sure if your book is done yet but if it is PLEASE let me know where I can get a copy. Thanks again for your reply. Gail

[karenb]

Hi Gail,

I know it's so hard, but you'll get through this. You will come out a stronger person because you've been through the hardest of times a person has to handle. Just try to keep busy, go with your feelings and try to think good thoughts.....just try. We sure have our ups and downs. Last night I had a bit of a down time and called my friend who lost her husband about six years ago. She still misses him. It's good to talk to someone who "knows." You hang in there, Gail. Like they say, "Tomorrow is another day."

Your friend, Karen

[Dusky]

Gail R,

I hope the book will be released in about 3-4 weeks. I will let all my dear friends on this site know more details when I have more specifics. I'll also have a web site for the book - and will share that as well in a few weeks. I hope that both the book and web site can help others who have lost their loved one.

Please take care,

John - Dusky is my handle on here

Love you Jack

[Gail_R]

Karen why is it that we think that we are doing OK ..and then have a day like today and all the forward steps start to go backwards. I thought that I was handling things fine and then I wakeup and I'm back to sqaure one. You are right tomorrow will be a better day..this I have to believe if I am to still keep going forward. thank you dear friend for being here for me today...it sure helps to have someone that knows what it is that I am going through. Because if you have not gone through this you really have know ideal how it feels to be without your beloved other halves. Gail

[karenb]

Gail...I really feel like we think, analyze, and expect too much of ourselves most of the time. We need to accept things as they are for the moment and know that "this, too, shall pass." Keep on trying....I guarantee you'll be fine.

Your friend, Karen

[WendyJ]

Gail my friend, I had a suspicion that the wonderful news of the Grandbabies coming was going to be a temporary diversion for you and that once the excitement calmed down a bit you were going to feel it again. You are so much like me in so many ways. Even keeping busy with my Mother when she was in the hospital was a diversion for me and now that she is back home and feeling alittle better, my mind is working overtime again and I feel like I have gone backwards again just when I thought I was doing better. I think it is normal for us to do this and we are getting better it is just that we want so much to wake up from our horrible dreams and have our lives back the way they were. Hang in there my friend, we are here for you and love you dearly !

Love,

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Wendy thank you for your reply...not sure it is that we take some steps forward and the out of the blue we are back the very beginning. I think that the weekends are the hardest for us. That is the way it is for me..to much time to think and sometimes thinking is not good for me...makes me think that my life is not how I would like it to be..I miss Bruce so much. You would that after a year that one would stop asking the why's anymore. But today was a WHY day. WHy him Why us WHY me WHY our family but that does not help at all to think like that so lets hope that tomorrow is a much better day then today was. Thank you for being here for me again. Gail

[WendyJ]

Oh Gail I don't think there has been one day that I haven't asked myself all the why's, and what if's. What has happened to us I never thought in my wildest dreams would happen, or at least just not this early. Last year at this time there were three of us here in the house, it was still a home and my Mom was healthy. Now it is me, all alone to eat, watch tv, sleep, shop etc etc etc and I hate it with a passion. Nobody to say let's go out for a bite to eat, nobody to say let's take a drive or go to a flea market, just me all alone. You know it is ironic that I don't want people feeling sorry for me yet I am not ready to stop feeling sorry for myself, know what I mean ?

Love You,

Wendy

[teny]

GAIL every thing you say gould be my words as well.IM realy sorry and mostly that I can not make your pain less.Im often dreaming of Yiany and try not to get up so that the dream will last.Once I dreamed that he came bak and I was crying telling him that he should not go away again.Weekends are hard but as Dusky wrote we have to try not to loose hope.Wish you feel better.TENY

[Gail_R]

Wendy you are so right..I too did not expect that I would be widowed at such a young..I knew that someday I would be going through this but not now.Like you I thought that Bruce and I had years to be together. We always said that we would grow old together and rock in our rocking chairs on our porch with all our grandchildren around us...but I guess that was not meant to be. Thank you Wendy for being here on all my day's good and bad and the ones that are just soso Teny thank you for your reply.It is so hard to believe that something like this could happen to us but it did and we have to make the best of it. It is so hard some morning to get out of bed and know that our beloved husband will not be with us again that day..like you in bed we can dream of them and in the dream they are right here withus but then we wakeup and they are gone again till the next dream. I have to say that without this site i would be able to handle my grief as well as I do. So thank you again Teny for being here for me one more time and I know that it will not be the last time that I will need your help to get through yet any other day. Gail .

[lyn]

Gail, how are you feeling today? I have days like these too where i felt Im back to square one again. Yesterday was not a good one for me but I survived it after a good cry. Please know that we are here for you and we love you. Sending you a big HUG..

Karen, what you posted struck me. How i wish I had a friend who can really relate to my grieving process. But I never would want any of them to go through what I've gone through..it is too painful. Almost all of them are looking forward to marrying their partner. And well here I am..last year I was very happy when I told them that I am going to marry my love. I didnt expect that my fate will turn out differently. God, how it hurts so much.

[Gail_R]

Lyn...today is a better day. I like wish that I had a good friend that would understand what it is that I am going through. My friend passed away the year before Bruce from cancer..she was sick for quite a few years..but we did everything together as friends and as couples..her husband as found himself a girlfriend and that I am happy because that is what Brenda wanted for him..she told me just before she died that she did not want her husband to be by himself.so yes I wish she was here because she would have helped me through this...a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listening. Lyn just know that we are all here for each other for shoulders to cry on and arms to hug each other with. thanks again. Gail

[kayc]

Gail, I think you had that dream because it's what you'd really like to hear. I'm sorry it left you feeling everything all the more, like you'd been hit afresh, that's really hard. This is the toughest thing we'll ever face in life, I'm sure of that. We care about you and wish we could comfort you.

Love,

KayC

[Gail_R]

Kay thank you for your reply..I think that you are right that is what I won't more then anything in the world is to have Bruce back with me..and I know that it is not possable that old saying the head know but the heart don't care. I would anything to have him back but that cann't happen. So today is a much better day and who knows maybe tomorrow will be even better then today..at lest one can hope. Gail

[WendyJ]

Oh Gail you made me laugh alittle and cry at the same time. Steve and I used to talk about the same things as sitting in our rocking chairs on our porch growing old together and even talked about those motorized wheelchairs and that we would have races with them when we got old. But what happened ? We are not old and he is gone from me forever and I am so alone and so scared Gail. This was never in the plans !

Love,

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Wendy you are so right this was not in the plans.It funny how we are so much a like...must be that we are the same age and our husband were around the same age...I think that Bruce was a couple of years older then Steve. How it have been nice to have meant each when our husband where still a live I think that they would have like each other. Wendy I know that your one year anniversary of Steve death is coming soon. Just know that I will be here to help you through it. Life is not what we thought that it would be but I guess that we have to make the best of it..even though it is not fair. take care of yourself dear friend. Gail

[kayc]

How funny...George and I used to talk about sitting on our porch swing together when we got old...we went out a bought a porch swing our first year of marriage. I can barely stand to look at it, if I sit in it, it's difficult.

This was our song...

(Travis Tritt/Stewart Harris)

I sit here surrounded by people and lights

Alone with my drink at the bar

You've been here forever, so clear in my mind

I just don't know where you are

I know I'll find you but girl 'til I do

This is my love song for you

Let's hold hands on the porch swing, under the moon

While the wind through the willows plays us a tune

We can lie on a blanket, out back in the yard

And wish for our future on a faraway star

You'll feel the passion as time after time

I press your sweet lips to mine

Then we'll dance to the radio, right up 'til dawn

'Til you drift off to dream in my arms

[Drift Off To Dream lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

You might be hundreds or more miles away

Or you might be just down the street

But there'll be a hunger deep in your eyes

That I'll recognize when we meet

It might take hours or it might take years

But this is the song you will hear

Let's hold hands on the porch swing, under the moon

While the wind through the willows plays us a tune

We can lie on a blanket, out back in the yard

And wish for our future on a faraway star

You'll feel the passion as time after time

I press your sweet lips to mine

Then we'll dance to the radio, right up 'til dawn

'Til you drift off to dream in my arms

[Gail_R]

Kay it's funny Bruce and I built a porch on our house about 6 years ago and when he was still alive we would sit our there all the time.The only time we did not sit out there was when it was to cold and snowy. Last summer was my first summer without Bruce and I had a hard time sitting out there...about the only time I would sit out there was when someone would come over. I hope that this year I will use my porch more. Thanks Kay. Gail

[suzanne]

Gail

I so know how you feel. We had a deck that we loved so. I always bought beautiful flowers to put all over it, had two rocking chairs and we would sit in the evenings and rock together. I did take the rocking chairs out this last summer but I could only bring myself to run out for a few minutes and quickly decide, nope can't do this and made a hasty retreat back inside. Like you, maybe this summer will be better. Sunday at 10:00AM I reach 11 months. I can't believe it is that close to a year. I hope things will get easier for all of us. I feel Will's presence so strongly, I know he is with me. That keeps me going forward.

Suzanne

[WendyJ]

Okay Gail our simularities still continue to spook me. A few years ago Steve and I had an addition put on and a screened porch. We would sit out there all the time unless it was too cold or too hot. Last summer I also could not get myself to sit out there unless company came over, other than that if I went out I would start to cry and retreat back in the house just like Suzanne said.

WIth me alot of the sorrow is missing Steve and thinking about how things used to be and feeling sorry for myself now going thru life all alone. Gail want to get a house together, we can sit on the porch with our glasses of wine and talk of days gone by.

Hugs,

Wendy

[Gail_R]

Wendy..sounds good where would you like to live. I'm not sure if it is our age or that we where with our husbands at such a young age..but you could be my long lost twin LOL. Do you live in town,city or out in the country. Me I live on a farm which I farm with my sons. Well farm I go to Tim Hortons for coffee runs when they are busy in the fields..never learned to drive the tractors use to tell Bruce that is why I gave birth to 2 boy's. I was not born to a farming family my dad was consrtution worker. You could say that we were polor opposites but it worked for us. Well have yourself a good or I should say as good as day as any of us can. Gail