Why Why Why

[mfarah]

Hello everybody. I am a new member just joined a couple of days ago and what caught my attention to this website is how wonderful, caring and supportive everyone is to each other despite their own situation. I will tell you all briefly about how perfect life was for me until a few months ago(I cant say it was perfect because in reality that is impossible to live a perfect life but where I am now in life and looking back it was perfect I just did not realize it). On February 22, 2003 I married my best friend, my soul mate and the one I would call mine forever. I was only 20 and yes to most I was a baby but to me it did not matter if I married my Jack at 20 or 30 it was going to happen one day so it was better to start living my dream life with him earlier than later. So anyway on January 25, 2006 God blessed us with a beautiful daughter that we called our miracle child because I was told I would never be able to have kids because of medical problems early in my childhood so after 2 years of praying I became pregnant and that was one of the best days of our life. Well to fast forward in my life on November 13, 2007 Jack was admitted into the hospital for Pneumonia and then on November 16, 2007 he was put on life support and then on November 22, 2007 Thanksgiving day at the age of 33 & with 24 days left to turn 34 he passed away. The worst day of my life and on February 22, 2008 (11 days) will be 3 months and would have been our 5 year anniversary. Yes I am a widow at 25 with one beautiful child and all I ask is why, why, why. Why did I not take him to the hospital sooner, why could we not celebrate our 5 years, why did Jack not stay to celebrate his daughters 2nd birthday, why did he not fight harder, why did he leave us alone in this world so weak and helpless without him, why did we not get to grow old together why why why. This world is not fair. How is a person so happy and content with life for such a short time but so miserable and lost for a lifetime why cant it be reversed. Now that I have lost Jack that is how I feel miserable and lost for the rest of my life and though I should be happy he gave me a beautiful piece of him to have for the rest of my life it is not enough I want him there with us just like it was and I cant get past it. I can not accept the way my life has become and I cant stop asking why. I am so sorry to all of you if I have bored you with my life story I just need help and I believe the best help is from a person that has experienced the same or similiar situtation not a person who has to read and study what to tell another person. I pray for all of you that are experiencing the same pain as I am and I pray I meet alot of new friends here. Thank you and again sorry for going on and on.

Edited February 11, 2008 by mfarah

[dpodesta]

First of all, I am glad that you found this site. It has been a God send to me that I stumbled onto it almost 2 years ago. I lost my wife to a heart attack in April of 2006 and like you am one of the younger ones. I am 38 and my son was 6 at the time. Unfortunately we don't the answer to the "why" question. I myself do know that no matter what I "could of", "would of" or "should of" done would have changed the result. I know it is difficult not to play those mind games with yourself, I did quite awhile myself. All I can say is it will get better as time goes on, however for the upcoming months it will seem like it is getting worse rather than better. It will seem like there is no end in site, but you will get through it. What helped me was when I was finally able to just concentrate on just one day rather than the future that was to no longer be. When I looked at the future all I saw was loneliness, and then I came to realize that I don't know what the future holds so why depress myself trying to figure it out. Now I try to live today for today and I have finally started to enjoy life again. Please keep coming to this site you will find a big family of people here that will be here when you need them and will no judge you for what you are feeling of thinking. Anytime you are thinking something and think that it is to far in left field to even think of posting, post it anyway you will find someone that will post back and say "Hey I thought the same thing". You are not alone in this although it may seem like it right now.

Love always

Derek

[suzanne]

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Losing a spouse is one of the most painful experiences life can bring. Take one day at a time and don't try to look far into the future for now. You'll find warm and caring people here that understand what you are going through. I think we all have gone through the why's and what ifs. Keep posting, it helps to write out your feelings.

Suzanne

[mfarah]

Derek,

Thank you so much for welcoming me it is so nice to know that there is always someone there to listen even if I just need to vent on all my bad days. I am sorry to you as well for the loss of your wife and it is very reassuring to me to know if you were able to get through the dark tunnel of your life and were able to see the light at the end holding your sons hand that I myself will one day hopefully as well see the light and get past all the regrets that I face everyday. How is your son doing? Hopefully in time everything in life will work out for you and him and you both can understand what the plan of life is. As for me I just have to know how to be able to climb to the top of the mountain and look down and understand why things happen and turn out the way they do just like you have done and I commend you for being strong and getting past your first couple of years of hardship and even though I dont know how it has been for you the past 2 years I know that it was a hardship and continue to be strong and pray for strength. I will also keep you in my prayers.

Marlene

Edited February 11, 2008 by mfarah

[mfarah]

Suzanne,

Thank you so much for your advice and your right it is the hardest thing I have faced in this life and I feel this website will be able to help me I have nothing to loose only to gain. So again thank you.

Marlene

Edited February 11, 2008 by mfarah

[dpodesta]

Marlene,

Thank you for you prayers, my son is doing well, we have had some problems that I am sure were directly related to her death and what he witnessed with that. The past 2 years have been a difficult journey with some hard work to get through it. Keep in mind, there will be times you move forward and then all of a sudden the bottom drops out and it seems like you are back at step one. Just pick right back up and start back forward. As you do this yo will find that the next time you go backwards you won't go as far. Come here and vent when you need, believe me I have done it enough times and it really does help. It sounds like you are a person who knows God and what he can do. There will be times where it seems like he isn't listening to your prayers or that he you will feel he isn't near you, but what I have found is that he stayed with me the whole time even when I thought I couldn't talk to Him anymore, He was carrying me and taking care of me.

Love always

[karenb]

Hi Marlene,

By all means, you are not boring anyone here - we've are all going through the same thing you are. Like Derek said those mind games we play on our ourselves are something. I lost my Jack 2 1/2 years ago and I am here to tell you that all the feelings you are going through will lessen. The "whys" will become less as well. I am so sorry you are so young to have to bear this pain, and we all know the awful pain we go through. But, you know, the pain is there for us all no matter what age or circumstance. Just try to take good care of yourself and your child. You know your husband wants that. Know that he's still with you in spirit and loves you both tremendously. Remembering all the wonderful times you had will become more and very treasured. Stay well and come back often.

Your friend, Karen

[kayc]

Marlene,

I'm sorry you lost the love of your life, and all the more so because you didn't get to live your lives together into a ripe old age. I think most of us that lost our husbands after just a short few years, feel gypped somehow. Your husband didn't choose to leave you and your daughter, he succumbed to an illness that was too big for him to fight. It is not your fault in the least, nor his. You didn't take him to the doctor sooner because you had no way of knowing where it would lead, and because he was young, you thought he'd make it. That is a very reasonable assumption.

My husband died unexpectedly too, the once a year I went to my sister's reunion, and I felt so horrible that I wasn't there with him that weekend. But in reality, we can't know...we were good wives, they were good husbands, and life/death just happens sometimes. No explanations necessarily, it just hits who it will and we're left to deal with it. That's a harsh reality, all the more so for someone so young, but as time goes on, there will be what someone just voiced as "bittersweet" or mixed emotions...eventually we learn to cope with "life after" and eventually a little sunshine does land our way. Life isn't the same again, but we do learn to see some beauty in it in spite of our losses. I hope you continue to come to this site, this site and it's people are what saved my life "after loss".

[DesertBob]

Marlene,

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sure your husband had a more virulent form of pneumonia than most -- there are many types of pneumonia caused by a number of different organisms. The speed of your response was probably very typical and would suffice for most circumstances. But like you say, life isn't fair and this one didn't come labeled with a DANGER sign.

It is good for you to "go on and on" and we're here to listen. It's something you need to do. We understand that.

Best,

--Bob

[mfarah]

Karen,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Jack too and if your Jack was anything like my Jack then he was a wonderful husband and it makes it that much more harder to be able to think of life forever without them. You are completely right pain of losing your spouse is pain no matter the age or length of the marriage. I pray that I can be as strong as you and be able to get through the next couple of hard years of my life. I read something very true from another posting that really hit home for me things dont get better they just get different. It is so true in so many ways the reason people always say it will get better in time is because they get different and we just learn to adjust to the different life but life can never be better without your heart and soul. I want to thank you so much for your advice and trust me I will come back here everyday I feel this is the only place others understand me & will never get tired of hearing me complain about how miserable life is. My family and friends were the ones who heard me at first but now I feel like in their own way they are telling me get over it he is gone we still have real life problems going on listen now to ours and I cant I feel helpless to the world. So thank you for reassuring me that no matter how long it has been people will always listen here. Your new friend Marlene

Edited February 12, 2008 by mfarah

[mfarah]

Bob,

Thank you for your response. Yes it was strep pneumonia but of course we thought it was your typically cold for 13 days (we waited so long because when my husband use to get colds he would have them for a while it was not the normal 3-5 day cold)and only took it very serious when he started having a hard time breathing. Believe me looking back now I see all the danger signs but I was so blind and just thought he was being a big baby and that is what makes the guilt so much harder because I did not take him more serious and as his wife I should have. Trust me my story can go on & on now that I have so lost Jack I have so many decisions to make and believe me it wont be long before I start asking everyone here for advice on those decisions as well. But again thank you and I hope all is well with you. Marlene

[mfarah]

Kayc,

Thank you for your posting and you are so right we just dont know. It goes back to the old saying "if we knew then what we know now" but that is life it is one big mystery why things happen the way they do. I am sorry for the loss of your husband and from the sounds of it you have found a positive in your life and I believe that one day I will have to find my positive. Yes this site is so wonderful I just wish I found it sooner I have been looking for months now. I come here everyday now and even if a certain posting is not directed right at me I feel the words others say here are very helpful. Like you said life is not the same anymore and now my new challenge in life is to find a little sunshine and sometimes I feel so bad because I feel like God is saying to me its right there in front of you your daughter she is your sunshine but why cant I see it that way. I just feel so tired and depressed to even want to care for myself let alone another one right now and I just cant look at her as my sunshine. I mean somedays she is my sunshine she is my stars she is my light and then others I just say why why am I by myself having to take care of her this is not fair what did I do to deserve such pain. But now that I have found this site I realize it is nothing we have done to be punished for it is just part of the plan we call life and though we dont know the full plan when we finally learn it we will understand it. Again thank you so much for your posting and all your positive words. I will carry it all with me. Marlene

[jaimie]

Marlene,

I know that you do not know me yet, i so hope that we will get 'to know eachother' through this amazing website. I have not been on for about a year...struggling, like you are, like we all are. I see that Derek has replied to you...you could not ask for a better human being to 'speak to' and Deborah too. You see we all lost our true loves very close in time to each other and those two wonderful people i have always held close in my heart...as i do each and every one of you all, including you Marlene. I have been away, searching myself to see who i really am without my Herman, whom i lost 2 years and 3 months ago tomorrow at 8:20 p.m. and yes i still so count and i now understand that it it okay to do that. "my extended family" has long ago left me and i have now come to terms with that too, although i will never lie to you or anyone on this site, it hurts very much, but they do not understand the journey that i am on and i used to be angry at them for that, but now, i pray for them, that they will never have to travel this journey that we all must go through. Although my brother has always in 'his' way been there for me, unfotunately he lost his wife 3 months ago yesterday (she was ALWAYS there for me and loosing her has affected me so much), and now he has told me that he finally understands what pain i am in. Please do not get me wrong, the pain he is going through, I know, you all do, but this is not the way I wanted him to understand, he lost his love of his life too and he is going through many stages right now (he is living with me right now), right now it is the anger stage that i know you and all of us on this site understand....and i have told him that is okay, be angry, be mad, question why, and that is just simply okay, that is what grief is when you loose 'your everything'. I still go through that,the many different stages of grief and i am no longer ashamed to admit that i do, but as much as I did not want to believe anyone and I mean anyone, I have been slowly realizing that Herman would be so very upset with me if I was not who I am, like we were when we were together...what I mean is that we made each other a promise, that no matter what we would always be who we really are, even if other people do not like it and Marlene that has taken me a very long time to accept (i still do and will always struggle with that), please, oh please do not think for even a second that i am preaching at or to you, i really am not...i just want you to know that 'strangers' like me are there for you no matter what, with no judgement or expectations from you, that's all i really have been trying to say. I hope sometime that you will look at the post i sent to Walt, who by the way is a wonderful, strong and loving person (hope you see this Walt).

Much Love, Lori

[dpodesta]

Lori,

I remember you and have often wondered what happened to you. I am saddend that you are having such difficulty and with the death of your brother's wife. Your brother has a special person in you to be there for him. Having gone through this your self, he has a person available right there with him that can talk face to face. This site has been a blessing and has help tremendously but it can't replace that face to face contact. I hope to see you on here more and God bless you aand your brother, you all will be in my prayers.

Love always

Derek

[lyn]

Marlene, I am very sorry for the loss of your husband. I have asked the same questions over and over again until such time that my mind became too tired of exhausting all the answers. The whys are endless, and the answers are unavailable, but have faith that somehow someday, we will be able to understand why it happened.

I feel bad for you, and for me that we have to go through this kind of pain at such a young age. I am 29, and I lost my love a month before we will get married. It hurts terribly, I am grieving his loss, his death. I am grieving the loss of a beautiful man, of a perfect relationship, I am grieving the loss of our shared dreams, of our unborn child and I am grieving the loss of the years and days that we would have spent together. I am almost on my 8th month and It still hurts so bad. I used to think when we were together how perfect life is, that I couldnt ask for more. But all of a sudden he was taken away from me, and I was crushed and broken, it took so much time for me to start living my life again. My faith was also shattered and up to this time, I am still passive with my relationship with God. Yet I know, He understands and is holding me through all these.

Hang in there and keep posting, it has helped me a lot and I hope it will do the same for you too.

[DesertBob]

Well Marlene, often we guys are big babies about being sick. Or at least we regress when ill and often expect mothering from our wives. If that was your experience then you had no way of knowing this was different. Also if you husband tended to have colds hang on like that then his immune system was likely weakened in some way. In my mid-thirties the doctor found a locus of infection in my left lung and knocked it out with antibiotics. I'd had slow-to-resolve pneumonia about two years prior, but wasn't sick at the time the doctor discovered this infection -- or so I thought. But once it was knocked out I felt like a new man. It had been dragging me down for so long, so gradually, that I didn't know it. I'm sure this was setting me up for more serious trouble if I hadn't had a sharp doctor who heard an ever so slight rattle in my chest and insisted on an X-Ray for a closer look.

Stuff like this happens ... we do the best we can. It wasn't your job to single handedly figure this out. And I can tell you that even when you are fully aware of the problem and doing everything in your power, death can still be the result; that was the deal with my wife.

As for the faith thing ... give it time. It isn't uncommon to have a crisis of faith in connection with something like this. In general, it isn't uncommon for people to lose their faith, only to have it return as something deeper and better, after a time. I like to say that God has broad shoulders. He can take it. And there are times where if you ask me, he has it coming ;-)

--Bob

[mfarah]

Lori,

I am sorry for taking so long to get back with you I just have had a real hard time the past couple of weeks and I have been so lost with words. I am so so sorry for the loss of your husband and now your sister in law what a struggle right when you feel you are getting through one loss another hits you. You seem like a very strong and wise person though and I know you will be your brothers 100% support now and he will be yours and together the both of you will pull through this. Please I do not for one second feel your lecturing me just inspiring me to know that even though you dont know my husband and I dont know yours and nobody on this website knows my Jack we all know one thing and thats how everybody here feels and together we will all help each other through this. I am so grateful that I have met all the wonderful people here and I know on all my bad days my new friends here will listen as I vent will reassure me that tomorrow might be better. BTW you should if you have not yet tell your brother to join this group and expressing some of his emotions it has helped me so far. Thank you for all your advice and I hope one day I can help you just like you have helped me.

With lots of love,

Marlene

[mfarah]

Lyn,

I am also sorry for your loss and that you are having to go through this now also at such a young age. I feel nobody young or old should have to go through pain of losing the most special people in their lives. You are right though we ask why why is God doing this why has he deserted me it is then we is carrying us we just have to believe. I have learned now not to be mad at God because this is part of his plan but I just cant help but somedays to be so angry at Jack because you know I dont want to be angry with God so I feel I am only left to be mad at Jack and just feel he left us and everytime I am faced to do something he was once responsible for and I can not succeed at it I get so mad and just break down and ask "why did you leave me Jack why, I cant do this with out you, I cant do life without you". Then I look at our daughter and I realize I have to be strong I have to be our daughter can not know me as the weak mother and Jack cant see me as the weak wife that he knows I never was. As you see somedays I have faith but then somedays I feel my faith is being tested. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of emotions I dont take my life day by day anymore I take it minute by minute. Now I cant wait for it to be 3 years or 5 years so I can be as strong as the rest of you here and believe everything will get better for me. Thank you for your post and again sorry for your loss.

love,

marlene

[lyn]

Marlene,

We all are hurting, and its good to know that we have this site that we can run to. I have friends and they know what Ive gone through but they couldnt relate to how I am feeling. And I wouldnt wish any of them to go through the pain that Ive gone through. It helps a lot that people here understand. It is my 8 month today and it feels like hell. I dont know where to get my strength anymore. Yes, minute by minute, I'll get through this, but it's just so hard. Im choking from the pain. How do u get on with your life without the one person you love most?