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Can't Stop Crying


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Today I just cann't stop crying...what is wrong with me. Things have be going not to bad lately but today the water works are just flowing. It started today at the bank our old bank manager was there today and came up to me and asked me how things were going...she had heard that I was going to be a grandma this spring and again in the fall and then she started talking about Bruce and the tears just started to come...and then when I got home our accountant call and said that he needed some information about the price of pigs(sows and boars) at the beginning of 06 and the end of 06...so I started to go through the books and I just broke down crying GOD I MISS BRUCE SO MUCH not sure how I'm going to get through this. Life sucks. It is 13 months that Bruce as been gone I should be use to being by myself by now. Thought that if I kept myself busy paint and doing things around the house that time would not be so long and so lonely but it is. I wish that I could go back to 13 months ago and change things...have Bruce here with me but I guess that cann't happen or maybe to back to bed and sleep and come morning he will be here but that is just a dream that can never happen. Sorry everyone for being such a downer tonight. Thanks to all of you that have been and helped me through these hard times. Tomorrow has got to be a better day. Gail :wub:

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Hi Gail,

I can't remember how long it's been for you, but I remember those waterworks occuring for a long time, depending on what the situation is. It's now been 2 1/2 years and most of the time I just get that bittersweet-type smile and just tell him, "I miss you, dear." So, the tears don't last forever, but as they say, "You'll never get over it, you just get used to it." Hang in there, lady, you're doing fine.

Love, Karen :wub:;)

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Hi Gail,

Well now I don't feel so bad about breaking down and crying over the stupidest things. Yesterday it was in front of a tree man who was trimming my husband's favorite Palm tree. The day before that it was in the middle of the grocery store when I looked in my basket and noticed those few little items instead of the large quantity of "stuff" that I used to get excited about because I loved preparing treats and meals for Lou. I even broke down in front of the Sear's man who came to look at the washer. Lou could do anything around the house and having to have someone else (a stranger) do these things and me not know if I am getting ripped off or not just makes me mad and sad.

The only thing is that it has only been 24 days for me. You are talking about over a year. I am wondering if I can take this pain for that long?

Rosemary

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Gail, I know it hurts. Its okay to cry, it actually is part of the healing. I still want to wake up and reach for Larry. You reach over to the other side of the bed just praying his is there. My heart still sinks everytime. Just the other nite coming home from the grocery store I had a rough time coming into a quiet house and looking around me still not being able to understand what has happened. Then you remember that life has changed. You are going to make it thru. Deborah

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Oh Gail, I am so sorry for you. Today is the first Thursday that I have not been curled up in the fetal position. I just chalked it up to Thursdays. Wishful thinking I am afraid. For me there is some relief in the crying, it is almost cleansing. Though I hate the days that it happens, for me, it makes so much sense....I (we) have lost so much. I am afraid, but I know I need to accept, the reality that these days will come and when they do I need to accept them like every other day. This is what today was for. It is a harsh reality that these kind of days will be with me for the rest of my life, but there is a certain amount of peace knowing that I loved this much......

May you find solace in knowing that without love there is no grief.....quite honestly I never want to forget.

Peace be with you,

Dawn

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Thank you Ladies for replying to my post. Dawn you are so right that if we had not loved so much it would not hurt so bad. Bruce and I were married for just a little over 30 years very young when we got married had three kids at a young age and like everyone one on this site we thought that we had years a head of us to do all the things that we could not afford to do when the kids were young. Now with everyone married but my youngest son like is so lonely here by myself each and every night. But I had to thank GOD for bring Bruce into my life...because without him my life would not have the wonderful life that it was. Cried myself to sleep last night but this moring it is looking a little brighter so lets hope that today will be an alright day...i don't ask for a great day but a day that I can get through without to may melt downs. Thanks again for replying. Gail :wub:

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You guys are gonna make me cry! : :(

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Feeling so down lately..missing Bruce so much having a hard time with just about everything. I thought that things would get a little easier now that I have passed Bruce's first anniversary but there are day's that I feel that I am back at square one. These last few nights I have been crying myself to sleep...and sleep when I get it is short like at the beginning when Bruce dead. I feel so helpless someday's. I just seem to go around amd around and not get much done. Is this what the rest of my life is going to be like.. well thanks for being here for me again and I thank God for this site and the people on it with all of you I'm sure how I would have made this last year. Gail :wub:

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Gosh Gail I wish we lived closer, tonight is one of those nights I could use a girls night. You know maybe a couple movies a few drinks some snacks maybe play a game of monopoly in our jammies and just sit and talk all night. I thought I was further along in my grief too until yesterday. I was telling William how I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom with one of the dogs and I decided to open Steve's bottom drawer since it was right there. Oh boy, I only got 1/4 of the way looking thru and had to put everything back and close the drawer. Too many personal things, too many pictures, too many memories. You know at times I still feel like he has been away on a trip or something and he will be back soon and this pain will end, but he just never comes home. Gail we are too young to be widows, I thought that was something that happened to people many years from now. Right now besides my mother battling cancer and my grandmother getting much worse with her alzheimers my other grandmother (my stepfathers mom) was just put into Hospice, she is 94 and has had cancer for a couple years. You know you can't help wondering if somehow you are being punished because so much has dramitically changed in 1 years time...too much.

Love,

Wendy :wub:

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Wendy it would be nice if we lived close to each other. I don't know about you but I really don't have any girlfriends...my one and only girlfriend passed away the year before Bruce...she and I did so many things together and now I feel so lost except for this site I have really no one to talk about what it is that I am going through and that hurts like hell. I like you going through the dresser of Bruce's and his things I still cann't do it...I try get them out put them all on the floor and then the tears come and everything goes back into the dresser and then maybe an month will go by and I will try it again and the samething happens. You are so right we are to young to be widows and NO we did not do something wrong to have this happen to us...but you are right about that too it does feel like that sometimes. Wendy I will be here on March 7 for you and if you need to talk please feel free to email me. You with the help of everyone on this site will get through Steve first anniversary but let me tell you it will not be easy but I'm here for you. Your friend Gail :wub:

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Gail, I know what you mean about keeping busy. The first week was busy then after the funeral it stopped all of a sudden and you are all alone in a big empty house. My girls call once a day and chat for a min. or so BUT they all live a good distance from me and have jobs and families of their own so they are busy. So I sit there and try to think of ways to keep busy but I can't clear any of Cal's things yet because it seems like I am going to wipe him off the face of the earth. I had to take his name off our bank accounts and just doing that really hurt.

We live in the country and we have had bad weather so going out has not been on my mind. My girls were up on the weekend and insisted that we go to town to do some grocery shopping BUT I cried as soon as we got about 1/2 of the way there. There is NO rhyme or reason to my out breaks. They wanted to get me out of the house because during Cal's 11 month battle I only left the house 5 or 6 times. Our girls came up with grocries and anything eles we needed so I was able to stay with him.

Do you have a job (at least this would keep your mind occupied) or do you depend on keeping busy just at home? My girls think I should head down to Florida (were most of our friends are) in hopes that this would keep me better occupied BUT I am scared to be that far away and ALL ALONE!!! I have NEVER been on my own at all other than when Cal's job took him away for a week BUT I knew he was coming back..

I hope things are better for both of us today!!!! Hang in there.

Carolyn

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CAROLYN..No I do not work outside the house. My husband Bruce and I farmed as do our boy's so when he passed away last Jan. the farm was all willed to me. But I have never been active in the running of the farm my job was keeping the house,meals cutting grass so with that said the boy's and Bruce's two brothers are running the farm and things are just the same as when Bruce was still alive. I see by your post that you live around Orangeville so live very close to each other I live on a farm outside of Tiverton and that is 1 1/2 from I think that you are the closest person to me on this site. I have three grown children my olest boy is 30 and he is married and they are expecting our first grandchild in May...our youngest son is 28 not married yet and thank god he still lives at home with me...our daughter is 25 and she is also married and they are expecting our second grand child in Sept. and that makes me happy and so very sad at the sametime with Bruce not being here to see his two grandchildren something we had talked about having for a very long time..but I guess that it was not to be. I know this is something that has happened to not that long ago..so just give yourself time cry and scream and come and post and do only what you think that you can and everyone will have to understand that you are not ready to do everything that you use to do but in time you will get back into doing things again just one day at a time. There are still day's that I don't get much done but then the next day is better and everything does get done just maybe not in the time frame that we thing that it should. Take care of yourself . Gail :wub:

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Gail, you sound very fortunate to have all the help you have. I know in my heart that Cal's family would help with anything I would ask them to do BUT they live about an hour away so I am going to have to do most of everything around here. His sister called me this morning and told me she would come down with his other sister for a visit tomorrow if the weather was good.

We are not on a farm but have a 10 acre parcel with a pond on it and Cal kept about 4 acres of it as manicured lawns so I can see me out there on the tractor cutting grass all summer long. He tried to show my how to "summer fall" (I think that is what he called it) when you cut in a figure 8. He was a farmer that left the farm for a better paying job. What I am going to have to do is see if I can get his brother (who is a farmer still) to KEEP the grass tractors in working order.

I don't have any of our 3 daughters living at home as they are all married and have families so this house is very quiet and lonley. They do come and visit on the weekends though. My granddaughter rents an apartment from us BUT she works shift work and is either gone or sleeping most of the time. She picks up things for me so I don't have to go out.

Have you been to Orangeville? I don't know how far apart we are in miles or time travel.

So far today it has been not too bad .... I have only cried a few times ... my eyes were still burning when I got up this morning from a whole day of crying yesterday. I think it really does help to read the postings of others that are in the same position... the only thing is it does become scarey to think that it is going to be like this for years, I don't know if I could handle that. I don't EVER want to forget him but going through life like this is just another kind of HELL!

Like you say ... one day at a time.

Carolyn

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Carolyn...I have not yet gone through Bruce's clothes they are still in the closest and dresser and he is gone 13 months..it's not that I have not tried to take his clothes out it just that when I do I start to cry and put them all back. I think that Orangeville is about 1 1/2 from my place. My husband Bruce's was only 53 when he died of a heart attack very sudden on the morning of Jan 20/07. When you hear someone say here one minute and gone the next that is how fast is really was. We were married just over 30 years. I thought that we had at lest 20=30 more years together but it was not to be....but I thank God everyday that he brought Bruce and I together. Take care of yourself and please feel free to come and post anytime someone will be here to help through. Gail :wub:

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Hi Gail,

I don't know how you do it. That was really fast ... no time for goodbye or anything.

At least I had the time that Cal was sick to continually show him how much I loved him. We didn't talk that often about him passing BUT it was a known fact it was coming. As I said before, I never left his side for the 11 months other than 5 or 6 times that I had to. When he would fall asleep in his chair and I would go to the bedroom for a quick nap because I had been up with him all night, I would get about 10 minutes and then my daughter would come in and tell me he would just be able to sence when I had left the room and wake up and look around for me. I devoted myself to his every whim those months and I often told him that I would be able to live out the rest of my life confined to this house if I could just keep him with me .... I didn't need anything or anyone else. I guess that time helps me a little .... I think I would have gone off the deep end if he had gone as quickley as your Bruce did. I cannot even imagine what it would have been like for you!!!! My heart goes out to you!!!!

Carolyn

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Carolyn,

You won't ever forget him, I can guarantee you that, but it does get more bearable with time. I have a job that keeps me busy otherwise I might go nuts. Some people fill up their lives with stuff in order to not be so alone. Whatever seems to bring relief.

Take care!

KayC

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