My First Birthday Without My Mom

[DebFromLodi]

Today is my 56th birthday. This is the first year my mom has not sang Happy Birthday to me. My brothers and sister have called already, but i keep waiting for my mom to call and sing to me. I am hurting so bad, missing her sweet voice as she would every year sing to me. She has only been gone since 2-2-08. i don't want to tell my brothers or sister the pain i am in, i don't want to cause them more pain, so i came here to express my feelings. She was in a convalescent hospital for the past year and a half. Last year i went to see her on my birthday and said "hi mom. today is my birthday" and she just started singing happy birthday to me. i am reliving that song today and wishing i had taped her singing to me. i just honestly thought she was going to be around for a long time to come. i miss her so much. i wish for a sign from her today, a dream, anything to let me know she is ok. Please pray for me to receive a message from her, please. i need to hear from her. i keep praying but do not get a sign. Thank you.

[shubom]

Sorry to hear about your mom. It just brings tears to my eyes, picturing her singing to you for your b-day. My mom passed 2 years ago, and it's been really rough. I have dreams about her every now and then. Most of dreams come from the house I grew up in. Probably because that's where I was the happiest when my both my parents were alive.

I have been studying dreams. And I know that we dream every night, but it's just that we cannot remember when we wake up. So Awareness, Concentration, Meditation, will help you become more focused, and can possibly help you remember your dreams.

This is what's worked for me. I hope this helps. Take Cares and stay strong.

[leeann]

Deb, All those years of Happy Birthday singing... wow. My teens cringe now when I sing it to them.. (and I don't think I sing THAT badly... )

Many years of fond birthday memories for you I bet though. I'm glad you heard from all of your siblings too. That's sweet.

Ya know what I found though?? I thought the same as you initially.. that I didn't want to share my grief about my loss with my siblings or close cousins either for fear of increasing their pain. When I finally did mention how awful I felt one day in desperation ... I was stunned to learn that they were hesitating to share with me for the same reason and were extremely glad I brought it up. We both had a good cry together on the phone and we both agreed we felt much better. So sometimes... grief shared is a burden shared.

As far as signs go.. I have had them in various forms from all the significant losses I have had. Not always right away.. sometimes months.. years after. But eventually, I guess when the time was right.. I got signs from all of them. I got one extraordinary one in a dream. The rest.. well.. they kinda snuck up on me when I wasn't necessarily looking for them. But they were plain as day when they did come.

I'd like to think that my passed loved ones are having a blast with each other and others where they are and enjoying what has come next for them. I have just assumed they are alright. And I assume there are actually better than they have been for a really long time.

I know they are there if I need them and I talk to them all the time. And in the silences in between... I can hear them still.. in my heart.

Yes maybe a recording would be nice.. but I bet you can still hear your Mom singing right in your own heart and head. I'd like to think those memories will always be there for us and how blessed are we to have them.

leeann

[Cindi]

Oh, Deb...how much I feel your pain. My first birthday came not quite three months after my mom died. I didn't want to go to work...I did not want anyone to sing happy birthday, take me to lunch, buy me a card or a gift.

All I wanted was my Mom. I'm dreading Mother's day. We took my Dad out of town last week on what would have been their 55th anniversary, and though he seemed to handle okay, I was a wreck.

Its been close to six months now and I still grieve deeply. I can't give you any words of wisdom but please accept my sincere compassion and understanding of your feelings.

Love

Cindi

[piddly]

Honey, I am so sorry for everything, I know exactly how you feel, I am 36 and this February was the 1st for me without my loving Mom. I was exactly the same, sitting around, waiting for her to call, I keep going "Mom" out of nowhere (we lived together) and no one's here, but my baby girl. It's a heartwrenching experience and people say it will get better, but I think maybe you get more used to it, but there is always that hole in your heart that doesn't ever fully heal. I miss her every second of every day and my soul hurts. I wish I could say something to ease your pain, but I'm not sure that anything can, or that anything will ever be the same again. Our lives are forever changed in a way that a lot of people thankfully cannot comprehend. As for signs, I truly believe we get so wrapped up in things that a lot of times we don't see them. I was driving the other night and started crying and pulled over, I was right by the funeral home she was in, (I didn't know the place because we never physically went there, they just shipped her back home) then I looked up and I saw Marshall's, a store she took me to when I was little. I caught those signs but I think we are so ovewhelmed with grief that a lot of the little ones slip by. She is with us, with my Mom and all the people she loves. And she knows how much you are hurting, just like each of us. She doesn't want you to cry, I know we do and she, like all our parents wants us to move on in a little way everyday. Feel free to email me as no one gets what I am going through over here. I am praying for you to find some solace and peace. Also, my Mom (who was my grandma) was 94, and just last night I was thinking to myself how I didn't think she'd pass, I know how it sounds, but she'd always make it through, and just before she passed she told me how she didn't want to die, because I had just had my daughter, to me that is the most heartbreaking thing of all. My mom should be here to teach me and talk to me and here I am, all alone. Sorry to focus on me....well let me know if there is anything I can do.

Christine

So sorry to hear of your loss, it's really a cross we each must bear and I think it's getting worse for me all the time, Mother's Day, Gosh, I can't bear to imagine, my first with my daughter named after my Mom and without my Mom. UGH. I can't think that far ahead. I just cope day to day and grieve deeply. I have been listening to I grieve by Peter Gabriel a lot. I am praying for you, please keep in touch.

Christine

[DebFromLodi]

All the questions that i need answers for but i am not sure how to find them. i want to know what happens when someone dies. Do they go immediately to Heaven or do they just sleep until the second coming of Christ? i know it is stupid to wonder, but i need to know where my mom is right now. Can she see me? Can she hear me? Why does she not come to me in a special way? I have always believed in God and in Heaven, that is not my question. I just need to know what actually happens to our spirits when we die. I feel so lonely and can't help feeling that if my mom was actually in Heaven right now, she would see my pain and send me some sort of a sign. I feel like i am losing my mind at times. i can't believe i will never see her or touch her again. i have not even visited her grave yet. Still too fresh i think.

[lorikelly]

Happy Belated Birthday. I hope you did ok, i know how hard it is. my mom will be gone 2 yrs this july 3. i still can't believe i have not seen her in that long. this april 14th i will turn 40, the big one and i keep thinking she won't be here to be with me. i still awake sometimes and think she will be in her hospital bed and i will see her. i then realize that is not true. today i am sad and woke up remenbering the last night with her. i was replaying my last words to her ( she could not speak).

as for when we die, i am catholic and my faith is the only thing that has got me through this HELL. i believe we go to heaven and we will all be together soon. i can't think anyother way or i would be lost.

i hope this helps. lori

[JacquelineMarie]

Dear Deb, I am so sorry for your loss, I took am Grieving the same as you are about your momther,I too am waiting for the sign or dream of her , I just need to know that she will be waiting for me when I join her in heaven. My Mother Passed away 12 days ago , I am the youngest of 5 , and my mother was my life ,I never met My Biologicle father or even know who he is, its been so hard to live with out her , I cant explain how incredibly close i was to her ,I never went a day without seeing or talking to her ,She was an angel, I never heard her yell or say anything unkind to or about anyone, she was so innocent, and never cared about material things, only love, she was always ill with heart disease all her life , 3 years ago she fell and broke her hip, thats what triggered the alztimers , so for the passed year & 1/2 she was in a nursing home , I cared for her the entire time , there is never enough help in those homes, so you must be there to watch your loved ones daily, I was , I cried every night after leaving her , I hated her not being home with me , but she needed 24 hour care, & I work full time , I never wanted to give up on her , when they called to tell me her heart stoped , and she was gone , I rushed there to be with her , I held her hand ,and it felt like she was holding my hand as if to say dont worry , I never missed a day telling her she was the best mother in the world & I loved her with all my heart , in the end she could not say much that made sense ,but when my tears fell when it was time to go home at night , she would always look at me and say , dont cry,dont worry , it will be ok , it would come out of her mouth so clear . She was my rock , all my life she was there , no matter what time , or day , she was home to pick up the phone , she would say , do be sad, come over I will have coffie ready in 5 minutes , she always had time to make me feel better , there is not a soul on earth that can replace my relationship with my dear mother & her abundence of unconditional love , I feel as if I am losing my mind, because everything I loved , things i collected ,even shopping, I just do not care about that stuff anymore, I feel guilty having anything , because I had a choice , I would throw every thing away , to have her back , What do we do now ? How do we go on ? People say it gets better , HOW ? I talk to her every day in prayer as if she is with me , but still no dream about her yet.

[DebFromLodi]

I am praying for you. It broke my heart to read what you wrote. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Yesterday was 3 months since I lost my mom and it is as fresh today as it was on February 2. I still cry in the mornings, that is when I would go see her in the hospital. Not every morning, but mornings were my time with her. I would go in before they brought her breakfast and visit. I normally brought a sandwich or leftovers from the night before and feed her. Then they brought her breakfast and I would feed that to her also. I always worried about her being hungry when I was not there. I have 2 brothers and a sister and we split the times we would visit her so she would not go a day without a visit from someone. Our family has always been close, but we sure got closer during this time. I remember the Thursday before she died, I went to see her she looked at me and said, excitedly: "HI!!!! I love you, I love you, I love you!! I'm hungry!!" Thank God I took her a meatloaf sandwich that day. She ate the whole thing plus her breakfast. I just wish I would have known that 2 days later, she would leave us. I did not visit her the next day, I knew my brother and sister were going and I took the day off. Then on Saturday my brother called to say the hospital called and she took a turn for the worse. She was non responsive and they had her on oxygen to keep her comfortable. I called the rest of my siblings and we all met there and stayed with her until she passed. It was about 5 hrs after we all arrived that she left us. I still relive those final moments. That is the first time I have seen someone die, I thank God she did not struggle in any way. But at night I see it over and over in my mind and it hurts so bad. I miss her every minute of every day and I wish she would just send me a sign to let me know that she is fine, I pray and pray but never get that sign. Please know that I am praying for you to get through this.

[JacquelineMarie]

Thanks so much Deb, I will also pray for you .I cant beleive we are feeling the exact same pain , every word you say , all the pain you feel , I too feel the same, My e-mail is abysattic@aol.com , I live in St Louis ,MO The minute I get a sign or have that special dream, I will let you know, its only been 12 days , I talk to her every morn & night , Our mothers are in heaven , I too just want to be sure She will know me when i get there , and that We will be together again someday ,I know what you are going thru , We just have to beleive , lets stay in touch, BIG Warm Hugs for now , Jacqueline