Can Anyone Tell Me If Therapy Helps

[SamR]

Hi Everyone,

It has been 7 1/2 months since my Dad passed away suddenly. I thought I could handle this myself. I thought talking with friends and family would be support enough, but, I still cry almost everyday. It is still physically painful not to be able to see him. Has anyone gone into therapy at this late point? Did it really help?

Samantha

[leeann]

Sam,

I don't have any personal experience with therapy for grief. However, you mentioned your Dad passed away suddenly. I have experienced a sudden loss. And I think 7 months is still kinda early and not "late". This is less than a year and having tears everyday, I think can still fall within the realm of normal. And I think tears can help us heal.

I can tell you that THE only time I ever considered therapy after a loss, was after that sudden one I experienced. I had several significant losses prior to that one.. but somehow.. that one was THE one that had me questioning the most whether I was losing my mind or somehow not cope with the loss.

I dunno what about the sudden loss was different... maybe it didn't have anything to do with the "suddeness" but maybe more to do with the relationship. But... I think the sudden nature of it contributed to the different kind of pain I seem to experience with that loss.

What made me think eventually that I wasn't going nuts was the very realization of that fact.. that it was sudden and different from the other losses. And then I accepted the fact that the pain would be different too. I felt entirely out of control for awhile before this. Like I was walking on some edge about to fall off.

But then I had the thought... I'm doing something I have never done before.... I should be more patient with myself. I shouldn't judge myself or my tears. Grief itself is INtense. And for some reason this seemed more intense. But again... I had to accept that every loss is different and therefore every grief will be different. I had to own the grief itself and let it wash over me.

Part of my own personal evaluation of whether or not I should seek therapy was a few questions I asked myself:

1)"Are you still able to function? Maybe not peak performance.. but are you able to perform, for the most part, the functions & activities & responsibilites that my life requires?" Yeah.. I had to answer yes to that. (Did I WANT to perform those things?? Ah, most days...no... lol but... I knew I wasn't alone in that. And that just because I didn't want to didn't make me nuts.) It was just very different to do those daily things in excruiating emotional pain. And when I couldn't do some things I was able to ask for help.

2)"Are you able at times to seek & find others to share feelings with when you feel the need?"

Yeah.. I had to answer yes to that too. I talked to my spouse, my sis and a friend mostly. I remember feeling a bit let down the first few times I did share with others. I kinda thought I should feel instantly better after I did speak to them, kinda because it was so hard to do so.

But.. I found out.. doesn't work that way. There IS no instant fix for grief. Just a bit of a teensy lightening of the load at a time... and over a loooong period of time. But I had people I could share with..

3) Does everyone who experiences a loss feel THIS bad? Or are you out of the "normal" realm?"

Well, reading here, among other things, showed me.. yeah.. I am waaay not alone in the depth of my pain. Many others others are walking beside me feeling just as badly as I do. So?? I'm probably "normal".

Those were just a few of the things I asked myself while considering therapy. I mean it is only natural to have this question when one is in so much emotional pain. If one was in an equal amount of physical, pain one would run to the ER! But emotional pain.. can indeed, I found lead to actual physical pain. I remember after my 1st significant loss I actually walked around for months with a pain in my chest. I had gone to the Doc for a regular check-up during this time and knew my heart and lungs were fine and it was "just" (ha ha) grief.

But only you can determine whether therapy could help you along on your grief journey. And if you feel you would like to try that.. please don't give up if you do not like your first therapist. Sometimes I know it takes road-testing a few before one finds the right match in a therapist. So be persistent if you don't like the first one.

But becareful Sam not to rush yourself through this. I'm not surprised that you feel that physical pain or that you cry everyday. Hey.. he must of loved ya good... so this is gonna hurt, I'm sorry to say.. and for awhile.

But keep coming here and sharing with us... shared burdens get lighter.. no?

leeann

Edited April 12, 2010 by MartyT
Broken link removed

[shell]

Sam,

Leeann gave you some excellent advice and things to think about. I have to stress what she did, that 7 months is not a long time. I think that is one of the most startling things about grief, that we expect it to get better sooner and when it doesn't, we panic. It is a very long road to healing for most, so know that you are not crazy because you cry and still have that physical pain. As far as therapy, you could try it...you have nothing to lose. I haven't gone to therapy myself, but know it has helped many here. And leeann had an important point about trying different therapists until you find one you like and feel comfortable with. Also, you might talk to your doctor about this. He may suggest an antidepressant (which many of us take) which might make the pain a little "softer" and more manageable. Just try whatever you need to to help you cope and heal.

Hugs,

Shell

[MartyT]

Samantha, dear ~

Both Leeann and Shell make excellent points. Everyone is different, and in the end, of course, it is up to you to decide what is helpful to you as you travel your own journey through grief. I thought you might find it helpful to read some earlier posts dealing with the value of seeking counseling:

Reluctant to Seek Counseling: “my husband says he's worried about me and wants me to go see a Hospice Counselor......that would be defeating for me.......”

Never Too Late to Do the Work of Mourning

Top Ten Reasons for Avoiding Counseling

Support Group Didn't Help - What Now?

Counseling: “I didn’t want to go at first, but now I’m so glad I did”

[SamR]

Dear Leann, Shell and Marty:

I am so touched and helped tremdously by your responses and links. I feel so much better about how I am feeling. It just seems as if most people expect that I should be "moved on" by now. This site is such a comfort. I think I will go to my regular Dr. first. Has anyone made ti through a year ot two? Will I feel better then? I guess I am focusing too much on ending this feeling and should as Leann said Let the grief was over me" to work through it.

Many blessings to you all for your help,

Sam

[leeann]

Has anyone made it through a year or two? Will I feel better then?

Yes I have made it beyond a year or two after a significant loss. I've made 11 yrs now after my first significant loss. And I can assure you, you will indeed feel better. Just takes time.

Others I think say things like "You have to move on." or "Get over it already." or "You should be feeling better by now." for a multitude of reasons.

Some say things like that I think because they literally don't know what else to say. Some say that because they haven't experienced a signifcant loss yet and really don't know what this is like. Or others are just uncomfortable with "loss & grief" in general and try to avoid it. Although most people's intentions are good.... I have found that I, and I alone, am the expert on my grief.

I call the shots... I push myself when I feel I need to and I 'take a day' when I feel I need to as well. I know others may mean well.. but ultimately.. it's my grief to process and I have hope that I will do it well. The only expectations that matter, as far as my grief goes, are mine.

So I try to appreciate the concerns others may have for me... but I set my own expectations.. no one else.

With grief and other things in life... I find most of my questions are answered when I look within.. not with out.

I'm so glad you feel better Sam and many blessings right back to you.

leeann

[Midnight]

Sam

I would talk to your family doctor about how you are feeling. Don't be shy or embarassed to talk about your grief and how you are really feeling.

I walked into my doctor and said I need your help, I am not functioning, and he was great. It has only been about six weeks since my dad passed away and I was scared of what was happening to me. I felt so out of control.

Ask your doctor to recommend a therapist or support group.

The best thing is to talk to people who either understand what you are going through, whether it be family or friends. Or talk to a professional about it.

They see this everyday and know how to help people.

My advice is to keep a journal, write down your feelings and thoughts....I have started this. On really bad days, I write my dad a letter, talking to him, saying how much I miss him, and thank him for being a great dad. I find it helps me.

And take your time to grieve. There is no timetable to feel better. My doctor told me that I am rushing my grieving process, and it will only cause me problems later on. He told me, cry, scream, throw things - do whatever to make you feel better.

And dont be afraid to reach out to people

I find the friends I have made on this site, are my best supporters.

take care

[shell]

Sam,

Leeann and Midnight gave you such great advice and I have nothing to add to that, just to stress again it is important not to try to rush it. I've found it won't work anyway...it has it's own timetable. You'll make it, don't worry...it just takes time and working through it. It's not easy, but it will be "softer" in time and you'll learn to cope with your feelings better. Hang in there and I think talking to your doctor is a great idea. Just making that decision shows you are the type that will pull through this.

Hugs,

Shell

[SamR]

You all make me feel so much better with you support. I am relaxing about MY grief now and will do what I need. I am going to my Dr. just to see if she has any suggestions. My eight year old daughter is having problems too. They were very close. I don't know if she is feeding off my grief (which I try not to show the girls too much - I have 2)or if it is just a tough age to accept such a grown-up concept as dealth and grief. She even empied out her desk drawer to make a memorial drawer for him. He being sad also ads to my saddness. I really try and work her through it.

So many thanks to you Leann, Shell, and Midnight

Sam

[MartyT]

Sam, dear ~

You might find some of the resources listed on this page helpful:

Child, Adolescent Grief

[leeann]

Sam.. your daughter... so precious... and this is so very hard for them.

If it makes you feel any better, I called my family Doc before my first significant loss to ask if he had any advice on to handle this eventual death with our son. He was only 5 then. And the Doc did give me some good ideas and I think they helped our son when the time came. He also gave me some advice for me too which helped as well. I was real glad I had called.

Docs can be a great resource for us.

After my Mom passed,our daughter.. (just turned 13 yrs), took a little step stool she had in her room and put one of Gram's plain white hankies on it. On top of that she placed the memorial cards from my Dad, my Father in law and my Mom. She also has a Cross there and a few lil momentos that they each had given her. It literally is like a shrine. And.. it helps her. So your daughter's drawer.. seems like just totally precious, healthy to me and I bet.. helpful to her.

Our big football playing son..(weeks away from 17 yrs now) also has a mini type shrine for those three set up on a bookcase shelf in his room. He also has a military patch from that first signifcant loss there too.

Our kids are obviously older now, but son was only 10 & daughter was just days passed her 6th B'day when we lost my Dad. And I'll tell ya.. we kinda kept the grief "out on the table" so to speak. If I was having a "moment", (which was what we learned to call them) I'd say so & go ahead and have it.. briefly. (The real hard crying I saved for the shower or when alone in the car, lol)

I thought it was important for them to see my grief and see me express it. And they too then came to be comfortable expressing theirs.

With the subsequent losses of my Father in law and my Mom.. we did the same.

To this day.. one or the other or my hub or I will say "I'm having a moment." and whoever is nearby gives the hugs. We don't hide it here.. we just let it all hang out. I don't know if that's the best way or not... but it seems to work & help us... so I guess it can't be all that bad.

You'll find the best way for you and your daughter to walk this path too. You will find what works for you. And your Doc may be a real help to you.

Let us know how it goes.

leeann

[MariahC]

Hi Sam - I lost my dad just over 5 weeks ago. To be honest I have been struggling to cope with it - although he was ill for a while, his condition suddenly deteriorated, so his loss was a big shock.

I have spoken to the Chaplain at my workplace, which was a help. I also went and saw my family doctor which helped greatly at the time. I was able to share with her the guilt and feelings of blame that were making me physically ill. I had severe pains in my shoulder and back at the time, but they went away the day after seeing the doctor.

Things became difficult again yesterday, so I have made an appointment to see a counselor. This service is provided by my workplace free of charge. Hopefully, it will help. I'll let you know how it goes.

[SamR]

LeeAnn and MariahC,

I AM SO GLd to hear other children reacting the same.Your help and support are keeping me somewhat same. I am on antidepressant now and just hoping for the best. I wasw putting my littlest to bed on Monday night and we atarted taling about my Mom birthday soon (which we are celebrating with her). Anyway, I mentioed Almost to myself but she heard "I wonder what PaPa would have done for Mom (it's her 70th)and I just syarted crying. LIfe is hard. I treasure all your support and get great strength to more foward.

Many blessing to you

SAm

[leeann]

You are a good Mom Sam.

Your Mom must have been an awesome example for you.

((((Hugs))))

leeann

[STARKISS]

Hi Sam,

I personally tried a support group through our local hospice office and was asked to leave due to some difference among group members... I also did some personal counselling and it helped me so very much... It was just nice to talk with someone who was not judgemental and was extremely supportive... I hope this helps... Shelley

[Missin_SIS]

I found my 26 year old sister passed away on our bath room floor on january 14th of 2009 She NOR us(her family) new she was sick.. she had an enlarged heart but with NO symptoms at all. It wasnt something that I could even come close to dealing with at all. I started seeing a therapist 2 weeks after she passed and I am currently still seeing him. I suffer from post tramatic stress disorder and depression like anyone who has lost someone. I do believe that I wouldve ended my life back when I first found her if it hadnt been for my therapist. They can help you understand different feelings and maybe other things you experience. I do believe that anyone who loses someone they were close with family or friend should have someone they can turn too( not a family or friend) to talk too. Someone outside the situation who can view it differently. and have different input. Its nice to have aplace to go that I can just cry without the guilt of crying around others who love my sister as much as I do. We all now when each other is crying over her so I tend to hide it from them and express it at my therapists office once a week but to be honest the pain is still so intence that it hurts physically. The pain is no better now then back when I first found her...

[MartyT]

Dear Sis,

Thank you so much for sharing your experience with being in therapy ~ I appreciate your input. I'm very sorry for your loss; I have a sister, and I cannot imagine living my life without her. This must be for you an unbearable cross to bear, finding her as you did and losing her so suddenly and unexpectedly. I'm so sorry. I hope that here with us you will find some of the additional comfort, support and understanding that you deserve ~ this is another safe place where you can share your pain ~ and I am grateful that you have found your way to us.

[loulou]

my dad died 3 months ago..I know it dosnt sound right,but I'm sure glad to hear someone else is in so much pain still.My chest still hurts,it freaks me out cause dad died of a heart attack at 49.At first I thought I was having heart pains,which I guess I kinda am,but it's my heart breaking.I cry every single day.People are starting to think I'm nuts,I can tell.Now people say,you should see a therapist.I sometimes think they are right,but I also take offense.It's almost like saying,your grief is not normal,you need help.IDK,Im just lost.I wake up thinking"I have to call dad" It honestly takes a few min. for my head to catch up with reality.

[MartyT]

Loulou, dear ~ I don't think it's so much that people are starting to think you're nuts (you're not). It's more that when we're in the depths of grief, we can wear out our friends. It's hard to be with someone who is sad to the bone all the time! Very few people are capable of being there for us in that way all the time, whenever we need them to be! It is a skill and a gift that you won't find in every person you meet ~ especially if they've never lost a loved one or have had no experience with deep grief! Friends, after all, were not put on this earth to be our therapists or our counselors. Friendship is a two-way street; if it's going to last, we must put as much into it as we expect to take out of it. When we are in mourning, we barely have enough energy to get out of bed in the morning, much less enough energy to invest in and maintain good, reciprocal relationships with our friends. That's one of the many reasons why it is so helpful to join a grief support group or to have a few sessions with a bereavement counselor. With a grief counselor or therapist, you don't have to worry about neglecting or hurting the other person's feelings. Indeed, you have every right to expect that your counselor is totally, 100% there for YOU, is knowledgeable about what is normal in grief, and understands and accepts the fact that the only reason you're there is to talk about you and your grief. How wonderful is that?! Have you gone back to the beginning of this thread and read all the entries here? You may find it helpful to do so . . .

[loulou]

I understand what you are saying,but I put way more energy into my friends then they do me.I'm always there when they need to talk.Like I said,they havnt even called in 2 months!I dont vent to my friends.Just one,and she is family of sorts.I feel the same,it should be a two way street.But as far as friends go,I would like to feel like my friends would be there,no matter what.As for therapy,that's their job.so of course they would be there for you.and yes I did read all the post.Thanks for your help.