Mother's Day

[leeann]

I'm already feelin it and...feelin it bad. I just ignored it last year and asked my kids & hub to skip it for me too. And I got through the day.

Now?? Just hurts already.

I know it isn't for a bit yet but.. my heart doesn't seem to care.

I'm a snotty mess.

Anyone want to join me???

leeann

[shauna marie]

My heart goes out to you, leeann.

I have to give you kudos for getting through the first year so calmly. I remember the first year I cried pretty much every single day from the time they took the Easter stuff down until they put the Father's Day stuff up. I refused to go to stores or even look at flyers. As it got closer to the day, I was completely messed up on Ativan and I also had cut myself. I do self-harm, not a whole lot, but I really needed to then. I haven't since then though.

Last year was completely different. I think it helped that the weeks before the day, I was in FL. I LOVE Winnie the Pooh, he actually has been a huge help since losing my mom, so going to Disneyworld was DEFINITELY a distraction for me. It helped to go away with people who weren't a part of that time of my life, well, they were, but not directly. Helped that it was so close to Mother's Day.

I did buy two balloons on the actual day and released them. I've since moved from where my mom was buried, so couldn't go to her grave. (Yeah, that part hurts a heck of a LOT.) But I also bought a present for my godfather's wife. Not to replace my mom, of course, but to remind myself that even though the time with my mom is gone, I don't have to feel like such an outsider on those special days. Is there anyone that you could do such a thing for? It isn't something that I seen myself doing, but a woman at work suggested it to me--she lost her mom and she does the same for someone else. It does help.

Take care,

Shauna

[MariahC]

leeann, I'll be thinking of you a week on Sunday.

I'd recommend letting your husband know how you're feeling. Don't try to get through this on your own.

shauna marie has made a really good suggestion.

Do take care of yourself and if you wanna cry then do. Don't judge yourself on last year, each time the day comes around we never know how we're going to feel. Grief is unpredictable, we never know how we're going to feel from one moment to the next.

Thinking of you.

M.

[leeann]

Thanks Ladies

Last year we all kind of tried to distract ourselves. No one was up for it.. not the kids, nor my hub or me. (This is hard for my hub too... He considered my Mom more of a Mom to him than his own.)

This year.. I kinda of thought we ought to try to acknowledge the day somehow. Mostly for our kids' benefit, ya know?

(Plus the kids keep asking me for gift ideas... so I figured they wanted to celebrate it this year.)

So we will have to make up something of a celebration of this holiday this year.

Sure if it was just hub & I, my tendency this year would be to ignore it too.. but I can't ignore the fact the I'm a Mom too. Wouldn't be right for the kids.

Unfortunately there isn't anyone who I can honor that day in lieu of my Mom. I do not have anyone else in my life that is kind of maternal with me. They have all passed on now.

I talked to hub about how I was feeling already. And he admitted he was feeling it too.

But ya know... I'm thinking.. I'm gonna let him and the kids decide what to do that day. I'm going to stay out of it and let them take the lead on this. And whatever they come up with.. I'm sure I'll be fine and probably feel good about the day in the end.

But I must admit I miss shopping for my Mom. I'm not big on shopping for myself.... but I like shopping for others and I especially liked treating my Mom. Picking out something she would never have splurged on for herself.. I really liked doing that for her. And I just miss that. Miss loving her that way, ya know?

My sis kind of did her own thing already.. she planted a bunch of pansies in her yard. They were Mom's favorite. I might get a bunch and plant them here too.

Ya know.. just had a thought... I finally thought of a gift idea! I can ask the kids to get me some pansies... right? That's 'killing two birds with one stone'... My Mom used that expression all the time.

Hopefully that will be enough of a gift idea for them (I so stink at giving them gift ideas... always have.)

But part of that gift may be them helping me get them into the ground... I don't think I wanna do that by myself.

But the rest of that day?? I'm just gonna let them take care of it.

I'll do my crying now so I won't be a blubbery mess that day.

leeann

[lorikelly]

I am not looking forward to it this yr. for some reason it feels harder then last. i have my own boys which will help me alot but i just want my mom. i love you mom forever. lori

[mfm]

Hi,

This is the first time I've posted, I have been reading this forum for a month or so. It is so nice to see so many people who are genuinely kind.

I lost my mom last summer and I am still having a really hard time. I am dreading this Sunday. I'm 50 years old and I feel like a lost little girl.My mom and I were so close, I could tell her anything. My family has been extremely supportive but I still feel so empty. I want to do something for her this Sunday but I don't know what. My heart is broken.

M

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

Perhaps it's time to post this again:

Posted by Tricia in this forum on May 5 2005, 08:03 AM

Wearing a white carnation on mothers' day represents the memory of your dear mom. Wear a red carnation if you are blessed to still have your mom. I am going to make a few for my MIL and aunts. My one aunt lost her mom (my husbands grandma) in October. I thought it would be a nice gesture. I am going to make ribbons with something written on them. Maybe our moms names....or in memory. Any thoughts??

Posted by: MartyT May 5 2005, 01:03 PM

My dear Tricia,

Thank you so much for reminding me of this lovely tradition. I remember when I was a child my father gathering my mother, my sister and me together every Mother’s Day before we went to church, and presenting each of us with a beautiful corsage of fragrant, fresh carnations: white ones for my mother, whose own mother died when she was a child, and red ones for my sister and me. I remember seeing all the ladies in church with their corsages, too. My father explained that the white carnations meant that a person’s mother was deceased, and you wore red or pink ones when she is alive.

Nowadays I suppose some will say that the Mother’s Day tradition of carnations and corsages was only a gimmick to help florists sell flowers, and maybe there is some truth to that – but it is a lovely tradition nonetheless, and I’m sorry we don’t see it anymore. Seeing those corsages signified to me that the women wearing them loved their mothers, and if the carnations were white, it signified that those women cherished how much their mothers loved them.

I know we’ll never stop people from commercializing Mother’s Day by selling flowers, greeting cards, boxes of candy or meals at local restaurants. But how we feel about our mothers is priceless. I wonder what would happen if we all decided to revive an old tradition – by wearing white carnations on Mother’s Day?

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

This mother`s day I will be in Las Vegas... Not only am I going to miss my mom but I will be in the city she died in.... I think this is some of the reason I am so mixed up about going in the first place... Take care Shelley

[shauna marie]

leeann,

Yeah, I miss the shopping bit for my mom, too.

But I sort of have to admit there was a bit of elation from me to realize that Sunday is Mother's Day and I didn't even realize it until I read this post. It isn't that I don't miss my mother, I certainly do. Also sick of the black cloud that followed me for years.

The pansies sound like a wonderful idea. I'm glad to see you are making the effort, even though it's really tough for you. It's good that your kids will be able to have the same joy with finding presents and celebrating your special day with you.

Take care,

Shauna

[leeann]

Marty thanks so much for re-posting that. I never knew about this carnation tradition. I'm going to share this with my family.

Shauna, yes.. I'm hoping the pansies become a tradition of sorts here for us.

I went out front yesterday to trim back some bushes so I could showcase them a bit. I went around to the side yard to se what else needed trimming while hub was mowing the lawn. And there peeking from behind our recycle bin was a flat of pansies. Didn't waste much time did he? lol

I'm glad I let the sadness sweep over me and I am glad I talked to my hub about how I was feeling. I think this in the end will make a very bitter, but sweet day too, a bit easier.

Welcome mfm

Glad you found us but sorry you had to.

So sorry to hear you have lost your Mom too.

I'm 50 years old and I feel like a lost little girl.

I'm just a very few years behind you age-wise and I feel the same sometimes.

I don't think age matters with this.... our Moms were.. our Moms. Very special people with whom one has a very special connection & love.

I was feeling heartbroken and so very sad too. It did help to express it some and talk about it. If you have a spouse or kids or siblings.. try talking to them about how you feel. They may be able to help you come up with some special way to remember Mom. Just talking to my hub took some of the "dread" out of it for me.

Also, the fact that you are having a real hard time seems kinda normal to me. It hasn't been all that long.

I have found sharing & reading here has helped me very much.

leeann

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

This mother's day will be a little easier because I will not be around anyone I know who is celebrating it so I will just treat it like anyone other day... I will be in Las Vegas but hopefully I can just get involved with something totally different.... Shelley

[mfm]

Thank you Leeann, that is good advice. You are so kind.

M

[rosanne]

This will be my first year. I don't know how I will be on that day, but I know how I have felt leading up to it, I HATE COMMERCIALS!@! about Mother's Day.

I am also 50 and my mother and I were so close...

I am going to visit my best friend for the week-end and return Sun. evening and visit mom's grave hopefully my brothers will join me and we can do this together. I am fixing her floral arrangement tonight.

God Bless YOU ALL!

[leeann]

Sounds like have made a good plan for yourself Roseanne. Yup the TV commercials..some of them are so over the top though and rarely resemble the Mother's Days I was bless to have with my Mom that they seem almost ridiculous.

I just try to shut all of the commercialism out and distract myself away from the displays in the store, the TV/newspaper ads etc.

I am hoping that you can find some peace being with your friend and that your visit to the cemetery is peaceful and healing as well. Hopefully your brother's can join you.. but if they aren't up to that.. that's ok. Not everyone is comfortable going to the cemetery. I know I can't always go myself. Some days that is easier than others.

I'm sure your arrangement will honor your Mom beautifully, especially so since you have crafted it yourself.

leeann

[leeann]

This is a very raw feeling. Like all of my nerves are exposed.

I know it will pass. But I need to acknowledge that it hurts.

I'll get through it though.

Please know I'll be thinking of you all very much tomorrow.

leeann

[rosanne]

leeann,

Thanks for your sweet reply.

I did have a nice time with my friend, she can always make me laugh, because she is so goofy.

I do know we need to take more time for ourselves.

I know what you mean, when you discribe it as raw!

When I was at the grave yesterday, my daughter went with me- we were setting on a bench we had put down. A car was backing up towards us, and my daughter said, that looks like Mrs. Edna (she lives about 60 miles from me has been the dearest friend to my family and such an inspiration) I went up to her and hugged her so tight (she is 84 years old) and told her how glad I was to see her, and she said I was here for a funeral and wanted to visit my loved one's graves and put a flower on them- she handed me a flower for mom's. We were both there at the same time.... it had to be GOD.

[shauna marie]

To the two ladies who mentioned that they were 50, one thing I have learned is that there is never a proper age to lose your mother.

I lost my mom when I was only 27 and I can tell you I feel robbed. She won't be around for my wedding, or to see my children, if either of those actually happen.

I can clearly see from these posts that it doesn't matter what you have when you lose your mom, you lost your mom and that's that. Very heartbreaking.

I think there is one other part of my grief that really tears me up inside. My mother died when she was 56--her mother is still alive. Mind you, my mother would NEVER have survived her death at that point in time.

I survived yesterday. I got some magical meds from the doctor on Saturday that pretty much knocked me out until this morning. I needed it. All I kept getting in my email was stupid emails about Mother's Day. I went to a gaming room where I often go and seen about 10 "Happy Mother's Day" and that was enough of the torture for me.

Will that day ever have meaning for me again? I somehow just feel so damn robbed. It's not just one parent not there, it's both. At least when I still had my mom, I could celebrate all the other holidays to some degree. I wasn't completely abnormal. I couldn't celebrate Father's Day, but at least I could celebrate Mother's Day. And then, boom...that's gone, too. For the first year and then some, I couldn't even look at mothers and daughters without crying. It just broke my heart and make me envious. And being so young, you try telling people that you've lost both parents at my age and you get the silent treatment. I go on the bus and find that people in their 50's and older still have one or both parents. Just makes me so sad, so angry, so...alone.

It has gotten better, admittedly. I have a place to go to celebrate my special days. I have two brothers that I'm very close to. I'm close to my godfather and his family. I have some great friends here, too. I have some great online friends, as well. Normal ones, at that.

Funny...when I first lost my mom, I divided everyone into three groups--those with both parents, those with one parent, those with none. Even those with none got divided, too. Those who had a spouse/children, those who had a spouse, those who had children, those who had no spouse/no children. The last group was the only ones I identified with because only they would understand. I should stress that was my thinking AT THE TIME. I know differently now, or I wouldn't be posting here.

Ok...I've rambled on enough.

Shauna

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I tried to make myself very busy in Las Vegas but with the other ladies there that I went with all their children were phoning and wishes them Happy Mother's Day so I started to think of my mom and felt sad again... All the hotels were inviting mothers out to enjoy different activities so it was just really hard... I did do one thing on my own which was in honour of my mom I went to her favorite place to eat down there an had dinner there and I toasted her... It made me tearing but I am glad I did it...Take care Shelley

[leeann]

Thought I would bump this thread up .... it IS getting to be that time of the year again.

For me.. this year??? Not quite as bad. Things are so busy right now... hub said he was trying to "squeeze in" shopping with the kids... Both of them are so busy right now.

I feel like... Ok.. it's Mother's Day.... This is my 3rd without my own Mom here. I have this kinda Blank spot in my head and heart about this holiday. There IS something missing... can't deny it. But.. I'm still a Mom. So??? What to do??

I asked hub point blank what his plans were the other night. He has learned not to "surprise" me much right now. Ya never know when the tears will burst out and run down my face anymore. And I think he would like to avoid that scenario. LOL So he told me his plans and I was feeling like... "It's ok.. I think I can manage that."

I'm going to cry at some point over this but I have learned... so what!? I don't care anymore if I cry. Doesn't bother me anymore. If someone has a problem with my tears... that's their problem... not mine. I have learned I will feel whatever I feel and I don't care anymore what those feelings are or when I feel them. And I gotta tell ya.... this is a very liberating feeling. I literally don't care. My grief is what it is. And I will express it when & where I want and that's that.

How very rude and self-centered huh? LOL

Hey! Don't knock it... it's working for me!

How about you all??

XO

leeann

[Chai]

Dear community,

I know this thread is about Mother's Day, but...I just wanted to say, I am with you! I am thinking ahead, towards Father's Day, since Mother's Day is coming up, and it's already starting to drive me a little crazy, with a lot of crying. I fear for what will happen when the day comes around. Ah, and all those commercials!

Unlike other children who are not children of divorce, I did not do a lot for my dad on Father's Day. I usually didn't see him on that day, but I would call him up and have a long talk. It was always fun. Now, I can't call him up. I considered the thought of giving a card or something to my stepdad, but...it feels strange, and it made me cry. He has been especially awesome lately though, talking to me, reading me nice little things, listening to me...so, perhaps I should do something to show my appreciation. I do have him, as a father figure, but he is different than my dad, obviously.

I love people suggestions on here, especially Shauna Marie's, and I enjoyed reading about the flower carnations for Mother's Day. I wonder if there is a similar tradition for Father's Day?

And to leeann...I hope you receive some pansies this year.

take care,

Chai

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I've just read an article on the Open to Hope Web site entitled Toasting My Mom by Eating Her Food. This is one of several ways we could honor and remember either of our parents on their special day. After you visit this Web page, scroll down to the Related Articles section to find more articles related to Mother's Day:

Toasting My Mom by Eating Her Food, http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-gr...ating-her-food/

And Chai, you may find this article helpful: Father's Day When Your Father Has Died, by Neil Chethik, http://opentohope.com/hope/healing-the-gri...ather-has-died/ (Note also that Neil Chethik’s 2001 bestselling book FatherLoss is being made into a PBS Special for national distribution this Father’s Day. The Special is being produced by Kentucky Educational Television (KET), the public TV network in Kentucky. Check local listings, as it will be made available to all PBS stations around the country.)

[leeann]

Thanks for that link Marty... I already read some of them.

This one struck me....

http://opentohope.com/hope/dealing-with-gr...ve-years-later/

I could have written much of it myself.

HOWever... I had no idea we could force our kids to call us everyday..... WHO knew there WAS such a rule?

Whew!... I'm glad to know it. I'm teetering on empty nesting... so this is very good news to me.

I'll work on it...

But seriously... my Mom IS here in so many ways. Yes her food is on my table... (but don't tell her my hub thinks I do a better job...shhh)

Her habits.... yes.... I too just barely touch the sugar spoon into the bowl before I put it in my tea. And I'm thinking the whole time what I used to say out loud to her ,"Why bother?" LOL

I also say so many times... "Didja eat??" "Wear a coat!" "If you are not gonna make ________ o'clock, call me." A zillion "Love you's"

etc. Nope she hasn't left and my kids will swear to that I'm sure.

Shauna... Thanks... You are so sweet.. but I told him NOT to get me pansies this year....

I know... I know that is odd. But my reasoning was..... everytime I went to water those pansies.. I was reminded.... and to be honst.. I want to remember when I WANT to remember and not be forced into it. Does that make any sense?

Plus.. I "over watered" them.. and killed them. I stink at watering right.

I told him the pansies of the world are begging you NOT to buy them. That is ONE thing I didn't get from my Mom. She was awesome with plants and... clearly... I'm not.

But that's ok. She's around me in so many other ways. And I can hear her laughing at me right now (as my son JUST asked me if he could get a tatoo.... oh boy... Maybe I can trade the approval for a tatoo for he MUST call me everyday.....)

Pray for me.....LOL

leeann

[mlg]

Chai

I remember like yesterday dreading Father's day 19 years ago. I knew it would be the very worst day of my life other than Apr. 30th. I wouldn't have a dad to love on Father's day. Well, much to my surprise it was Mother's Day that hit me like a ton of bricks and to this day I don't know why. I don't know if it was because it was the first family gathering without him or what but I thought they may have to bring the men in white coats to carry me away.

Then when Father's Day came, with all the anticipation of a TERRIBLE day, it went fine.

It's kind of like what Leeann said. When your grief hits, it hits and you just have to go with it. There just really isn't a way to prepare for it.

I got each of my girl's a book titled, I loved you when you were 10 and I'm going to write them each a letter to tell them that I still and always will love them just as they do their children. My mom's present is already ruined so I don't know what I'm going to do for her. She had asked last year why I didn't order her a Graham Thomas rose (my husband's name was Thomas Graham) so I thought I'd surprise her this year. Well, she went out and bought a lot of different plants last week and now there won't be anyplace to put it so I guess I'll just keep it here.

Hope everyone has a good Mother's day.

[leeann]

Mary Linda... Great idea about the book for your gals.

I wanted to share another gift idea for those of you that still have your Moms or Dads.

For Moms:

http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Legacy-Your-...s/dp/1404113339

(And Mary Alice..... you could slowly fill one out for your kids too. Just do a bit at a time and answer what you are comfortable with now and leave the rest for later. I plan on doing this for our kids.)

For Dads:

http://www.amazon.com/Fathers-Legacy-Your-...1896&sr=1-1

My sis and I bought these for our folks years ago. My Dad had trouble filling it out.. but.. that was my Dad. He would have had trouble with it. But it was ok.. the few pages he filled out.. I'm grateful to have now.

My Mom really took it very seriously and filled almost the entire book out. And we are so happy to have those pages now. Our kids enjoy looking at them too. They are really a Legacy of sorts. I made a copy of both of them and my sis has the originals.

Anyway thought I would share that idea.

leeann

[STARKISS]

Hi All,

I am so glad I am by myself this weekend, I am so upset so if I cry no one will see me if I get upset... I am constantly asking myself why me, why is it that I do not have my mom on Mother's Day, why do I not get to hug her on that special day... I just wish I could see her on that day only just to just get one of her famous hugs and to tell her I love her.... I never got to tell her good bye before she died and so I just wish I could see her one more time Sadly Shelley