Another Soon To Join Our Ranks

[kayc]

What I never wished on anyone, I am having to watch my best friend go through now. I have spoken to you before of my dear friends, Virgie and Jim. Jim has been in and out of the hospital so many times, and so many times the doctors have given an extremely low chance of him making it through surgery, and always he's pulled through with the prayers and faith of those around him.

This time, however, he is being sent home to die and hospice is being ordered, a hospital bed being set up in their living room, and he isn't cognizant of anything or anyone. It's not looking good. To hear the sound in my friend's voice as she relayed this to me last night...it broke my heart. I know all of what she's feeling, the fears, knowing how much she's going to miss her husband and best friend of so many years, knowing her life is never going to be the same again...it's just too hard. All I can do is reassure her that the "end" is not the end, it is but a pause in the big scheme of things, that we WILL see our loved ones again...and though we want so desperately to hold them close to us and never let them go, it IS a comfort later on to know they aren't physically suffering any more. I don't know about you but as painful as this is, I'd rather it be me doing the suffering than my George...that is the one consolation that I have, that HE does not have to go through this, for I fear it would be too much for him.

How do you help someone going through this? I pray, I can be there for her, I can understand, but nothing takes away the extreme pain that she alone must go through, it's horrible. I feel so helpless, helpless to stop yet another soul's suffering. Whatever I say is valueless in the face of what she really wants. I told her God will take care of her, and I know that He will...she knows that...but I know the fear when someone is suddenly facing being left alone. It has been years since Jim has been able to tangibly help her around the place so she has already gotten used to doing it all or hiring it done, but she just lost her job and won't qualify for social security until the end of the year...still, I know, she will be taken care of. Please pray for my close friends, my heart is breaking for them, I love them so much.

KayC

[LarrysGirl]

KayC, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Unfortunately we do know what lies ahead and how terribly hard it will be for her. She is lucky to have you at this time. I know this must be very hard on you also. I don't pray much anymore but will keep your friends and you in my heart. Deborah

[Corinne]

Kayc,

I am so sorry to hear all you, your family and your friends are going through. My heart goes out to all of you and I will keep you all in my prayers. You are such a good person and your friend is very lucky to have you at this difficult time.

Hugs & prayers,

Corinne

[MartyT]

Kay, dear ~ You already know that the most precious gift you can give to Virgie is your understanding presence. She is blessed to have in her life a dear friend such as yourself. Know, too, that we will be here with open arms to welcome your friend, if and when she ever chooses to join us.

[dpodesta]

Kayc

Your friend is blessed to have a friend like you in her life. All you can do right now is be there for her as someone who has gone through this. So many times we here on this site went through the struggles without knowing anyone around us that had gone through it. She is so blessed to have someone so close to her that has experienced this first hand. Check on her every so often and when he is gone and all of the activity has settled down start to lead her here. As you are well aware we will welcome her with open arms and hearts and together we will help her get through this trying time. She will be in my prayers.

Love always

Derek

[DesertBob]

How do you help someone going through this?

As Marty says, be present for her. I have a friend whose wife is falling apart physically and emotionally (she's 80) and my friend is overwhelmed by this plus the fact that he can't cope with it any more ... his wife is becoming very unstable and suicidal and some kind of intervention is needed, with all that implies.

As a man, my tendency is to want to solve the problem somehow; you won't have this problem so much. At least my friend was wise enough to say, "Bob, I don't want you to come up with solutions or suggestions, just listen." And of course he is right. And I'm glad, because I'm so out of fairy dust for this kind of thing after what I've been through, that's it's not funny.

As it happened, he had already thought of speaking to his wife's doctor and soliciting advice, and I was able to validate that as a good idea. So he took the first step himself, he simply needed to bounce it off someone.

Our Jewish friends have a custom called "sitting shiva" that is pretty cool. It is customary during the first 7 days of breavement for friends and family to sit with the mourner. As Wikipedia describes it, "Traditionally, no greetings are exchanged and visitors wait for the mourners to initiate conversation. The mourner is under no obligation to engage in conversation and may, in fact, completely ignore his visitors."

How about that, a cultural mechanism for encouraging being present for the bereaved. Simply showing solidarity. Not feeling obligated to flap your lips. I like the concept. Especially after all the accounts I've heard over the months here in this space of how much even true words, spoken out of proper season, can hurt those of us who grieve.

--Bob

[ustwo]

I am so sorry to hear the sad news about your friends. Your hands will offer her strength and hugs will soak up many tears. I didn't think I had the strength last year to help my good friend watch and then loose her husband. It has only made the bonds of friendship more important...stronger...a liferaft in the storm. There is something in the eyes of those who have journeied before us that lets us know we can cry out. I know this is difficult for you. Take care of yourself and John.

Always Gene!

Always!

[Guest moparlicious]

KayC,

My dear dear friend. I am so sorry your friend is going through this and many more hearts are breaking. I will glad to pray for your friend, for peace and for you as well. You have been so wonderful to me and send you many virtual hugs!!!!! She is blessed to have you in her life and such a fantastic friend, I know you are,have, and continue to be wonderful to me. Thank you. Love, Kim

[missingcharlie]

Kay - I, too, am so sorry. I have read your posts about your friend and her husband and how you've been at the hospital with them. You ARE a true friend and she will be so glad and lucky to have you "walk" this journey with her - having been through it yourself. I think, too, that the distance from the time you lost George until HER loss will be of great benefit to both of you. You are a stronger person now and that will be of great help to her!!

Let her know she and her husband are in our thoughts!!

Hugs to all.

Patti