Pat's Story

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Pat & I were together for 11 years, although we didn't marry until he got sick. My husband supported his elderly father..who disliked me intensely. Pat bought a cabin up in a remote town called Young, AZ, & retired there...with his Dad..of course. We stayed close, he came to Phoenix once or twice a month to visit me, talked on the phone nightly, & we spent every vacation, holiday & birthday together.

June of 06 he came to visit me, & felt bad, off to the ER we went, where he was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver. We got married when he was released, for there was no one to help make decisions for him. I let him go back up North again, & in August I had a flash of women's intuition, packed up & drove up North on the spur of the moment, to find him horribly ill. Drove him to Phoenix to the ER, they said 1 more day & he would have been dead..6 Liters of fluid in his body they removed.

Then the battle started.Constant Dr's visits, in & out of the hospital. Finally in early January he was Listed for Transplant. We were called 2 days later..a Liver was on its way...the let down, not a good one. We struggled on..the medicine made him so sick, & incontinent, but if he didn't take it the ammonia would build in his blood, & he wouldn't even know if he'd eaten that day. 1 month before he died, we were called again for Transplant...another bad liver. Then his poor body just couldn't take it anymore..diabetes crept in, kidneys were shutting down, heart fluttering. The Dr's walked into our room at the hospital & started crying...& asked him if he wanted pain medication..Pat said yes. Then we had the hospice talk, & I was told there was nothing else they could do for him medically, only make it a peaceful passing. I had hope, & never gave up till that moment.

He fought such a brave fight, never complained, & never lost his sense of humor. If I'd known how it was going to end, I'd have taken him back up North to live his last months in the little town we loved. I have to remember all those happy trips we took in his motorhome with our dogs, the mountains we hiked, & creeks we splashed in, all the projects we did together. I had to sell the cabin..which hurt, I scattered some of his ashes there, as well as on the trails we hiked.

Thanks for listening..Vickie O'Neil

[LarrysGirl]

Vickie, I'm so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Pat with us. My Larry was waiting for a liver transplant (was listed over 4 yrs.) but no luck and died before ever receiving one. I would have described him just like Pat, so brave, never complained... He was so kind to the doctors and nurses even though I know he was so over all of the hospitalzations. Your life with Pat sounded just wonderful. I'm so glad you have those great memories to comfort you. Boy we sure miss them don't we? Deborah

[JoeA]

Vickie -

Thank you for sharing your story. It's hard to focus on the good memories when the last years are consumed with supporting your loved one through the suffering and indignities of declining health. My wife was like your Pat, never yielding her grace, dignity, kindness toward others. It is in those times that we prove our love to each other. You because you stayed with him, continued to give him your love and support, and Pat because he did not let his suffering defeat him or his love for you. When love is proven like that, really tested in fire, it endures. Forever.

Peace and love always

- Joe

[mlg]

Vickie,

I'm glad you shared Pat's story with us. He was so brave. I hope you will still be able to go back to that little town that you both loved and have some happy memories there.

Mary Linda

[kayc]

Vickie,

Thank you for telling us about your Pat. It may seem the time was short that you had with him, but I've learned that quality doesn't equate with length of time. I'm glad he had you to be there for him and that you have some good memories to help sustain you in the time to come.

Love,

KayC

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Thank you for all your support. I find myself angry with God, & Humans, too. God, I'd like to ask a question of. Since Pat's family, his brother& sisterinlaw donated their 18 year old only sons heart when he was killed in a motorcycle accident..& was subsequently used to save a 50 year old lady's life...WHYYYY was the Law of Karma not operating? Why was no Liver available to save Pat's life??? There should have been a payback to the O'Neil family...God.

Humans, we live in this globalized, computer savvy supposedly intelligent earth family..so WHYYYY isn't everyone of us an ORGAN DONOR? I talked & talked to everyone about signing up as one when Pat was sick, guess how many recruits I got? TWO! Humans are not intelligent, they are still superstitious about their bodies after death. I have news for you Folks, being buried in a coffin, & not being an ORGAN DONOR is like the man that showed up at the pearly gates with a suitcase full of Gold. St. Peter looked at him, & said "What? You brought Pavement"??? I've been an organ sonor since 19..you can't take it with you, its a dead body.

And for the way the Transplant List operates...the sicker you are the Higher you go on the List, that is Fair. But if you are TOO sick, then you are not strong enough to survive transplant. Being listed is like walking a balance beam. But of course, if Humans were more INTELLIGENT there would not be a shortage of ORGNS! Wonder if you can imagine the constant agony of waiting for the transplant call..Must be returned within ONE HOUR, must be at the hospital within TWO HOURS..no more trips out of town just simply the ENDLESS WAITING.

OK, my rant is over, & thanks again for listening.

Vickie O'Neil

[JoeA]

Vickie -

Your "rant" is a very valid one. But I've seen to many very bad things happen to too many very good people to believe in karma. And if God allowed Jesus to be tortured to death, how can I believe that God will protect me from harm? I'm with you, I have questions for God if I ever get the chance to ask.

But on the human side, I've been an organ donor for at least 30 years, my kids are both donors. My wife was but they wouldn't take anything since she died of metastatic cancer. It is sad that so many die unnecessarily for the simple stupid reason that people won't donate their organs at death. What a tragedy. God has questions for us!

- Joe

[LarrysGirl]

I could speak on this subject till the end of time, especially regarding Larry's death but I'll keep it short. Most of you know that Larry died while waiting for a liver. He became ill after receiving a blood transfusion and life forever changed. I've not wanted to step on anyone's toes here about organ donation, it is such a personal choice. Yet would like to mention a couple of things. If you are under the assumption that if you or a loved one needed an organ, you just get one.... you are so wrong! In this country there is a huge number of people waiting for a chance at life again and no where near enough organs being donated to save these people. Your chances are slim to none, depending on which organ you need. So many things have to fall into place, your blood type, body size, health of the organ, and unfortunately type of insurance (they'd never admit to that) and some politics. Do I sound angry? Sorry but so many human errors were made in Larry's case that cost him his life. Recently, a gentleman in my area, received a liver after being listed only two weeks. He was the picture of health and is recovering well. Larry was listed four and 1/2 years. Go figure.

I'll stop here. I hope that you'll remember Larry, a great guy who died the day before his 49th birthday, and consider being an organ donor. I respect everyone's privacy and personal feelings regarding this subject. Its just that when the person you loved more than life dies while waiting, you can't help but ask others to consider being a donor so others have a chance at life. Deborah

[KathyG]

More lives would be saved if everyone could be and was willing to be an organ donor. But sometimes, those who want to, can't.

Although I wanted to donate Bill's organs before he was removed from life support, the doctors wouldn't accept them because Bill had had prostate cancer - even though he died from a heart attack, not his cancer which had been cured. A doctor told me that no matter how slight the risk, they don't want to transplant organs that may (not were, but MAY) have been exposed to cancer.

I asked the doctor if I can be an organ donor although I'm diabetic. He said it's possible - they can transplant any organs the diabetes has not damaged.

[WendyJ]

I am also an organ donor, but I also will never forget that phone call the night Steve passed at 12:30 in the morning asking if they could take some of his organs. I felt so hurt and violated as I was overcome with grief that I thought how could they just want to tear into him like that? I understand all too well now that it was necessary and time is of the essence but there must be a better way than calling the surviving relative in the middle of the night when you are not even thinking clearly and devastated from the loss.

Love,

Wendy

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

To all of you who wrote, I thank you. Deb, Larry's Girl you know what it's like to be listed for 4 Years..& have your husband die..anyway...& Deb I'm not sorry I brought up the topic I don't mean to step on people's toes...will preach on this till the day I die.If Pat could have had a partial transplant, he would have had two thirds of my liver.

Joe, those questions to ask of God..I will ask God when I get up there..& yes, I believe in the Law of Karma..do unto others, & love believes all things, bears all things, endures all things hopes all things & love Never Ends. God must understand this better than me..God made the Law.

Kathy, its honorable to want to be an Organ Donor..but not be able to..being diabetic. Spread the word, then! Sign someone else up.

Wendy, the phone call in the middle of the night when your husband died..asking about his organs..had to be really hard. I'm sorry about that. Still, if I were a Dr,. & could Save another Life I would have made that call to Try to Save another LIFE. Those DR's on the Transplant Team fought so hard for Pat's LIFE. So please think about that.

Thanks everyoone ..again for Listening...

Vickie O'Neil

[kayc]

I have always been an organ donor, so was George. But when he died they didn't act quickly enough. I would have loved to have seen his beautiful eyes go to someone. Hospitals need to be PROACTIVE with regards to organ donation! It was on his driver's license. I was too shell-shocked to think, they need to bring it up!

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

While Pat was listed I read a newspaper story about a plane that had gone down in the Great Lakes area, losing the pilot, a Dr., & the liver..I think they were heading to Wisconsin for the transplant. The hospital had already opened the recipients body for the transplant. Somehow they found a liver & saved the mans life.

Please don't read this if you are easily offended, but at one point I became so desperate I considered buying a liver in Mexico. Then I discovered how it was done, an innocent person would lose their life to save Pat's. I decided I couldn't live with that, it's murdering someone.

So if you have taken the time to read all this, are an intelligent thinking person, & consider the fact that you never know When someone in YOUR FAMILY might need an Organ..you should sign up at organdonor.net.

Medical science is moving forward with transplants, they can do partial livers in children now, & do a 1 kidney to/from a family member..(1 of my best friends donated her kidney to her Dad)...but there is still a shortage of Organs. I beg you to think about it & sign up.

Today is the 1st Anniversary of Pat's death.

Thanks, Vickie O'Neil

[MartyT]

Vickie, dear ~

Our thoughts and prayers are with you on this difficult anniversary day.

You may want to read the posts in this thread:

Did We Make the Right Choice?

[MikeC]

Today is the 1st Anniversary of Pat's death.

Vickie, I hope you are doing okay today. My thoughts are with you.

Mike

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

I read the thread on Marty T's post..a difficult day to do so. It's macabre reminds me of an old Edgar Allen Poe Story..when the man was buried alive.

That's why people are so afraid of beig a Donor..I would like to ask little sister a question....from the other thread. She felt Dr's & Nurses were Vulture's when they made the Decision to sign the Consent Forms to Donate those Organs. Her brother was brain dead....& had comitted himself to be a Donor. Would it have been easier to Sign the consent Forms to Turn Off the Machines? Organ's have a "Shelf Life". "Time is of the Essence"....Which is Harder..to watch a brother Die when he's warm & breathing, & brain dead.or to watch a husband die while he is warm & brathing , when there was no Organ?

Dr's & Nurses are not Infallible...they, too make mistakes. They often have to shoot their best shot, do the best they can...they are not God. They are people that have chosen to work in the Hospital & Medical Field..I couldn't stand to do it, I admire their dedication...for I hate that environment.

Once again, this is the Anniversary date of Pat's death...if I could Recruit 1 Organ Donor today...in honor of Pat's life, I would feel blessed...today organdonor.net

Thanks again on this day, friends,

Vickie O'Neil

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

The Anniversary day is past, the prayers & ceremony done. I hiked up the mountain we always hiked on with Pat's favorite dogs at sunset, & watched the sun go down. (This is Phoenix in August).We sat there until I felt peaceful, the bats came out of the caves & started flying around ny head..& I made a tiny fire...

I prayed to Pat to hear us, & God to hear us..& lit that tiny fire. I burned pine needles, rosemary, & some pictures of Pat's old girlfriends from years ago. I know I sound like a nut case...but that little cerewmony waa Healing. Pat would have liked it. I know he saw us there especially when the bat's started flying!

Tomorrow is another day..Thanks for your help & support.

Vickie O'Neil

[leeann]

Oh Vickie it sounds like it was a beautiful and peaceful little celebration you had there.

I'm sure Pat was right there with you.

If it is any consolation... maybe our youth will help us with organ donation becoming more commonplace. When our son recently got his driver's license it was quite the eye opener. Organ donation was openly discussed in his driver's ed class. It was emphasized at the Motor Vehicle agency when he went for his permit and license. This education is vital for getting the word out of how desperately needed organs are. It also makes organ donation itself something much more comfortable to discuss. And that.. I think.. will help us more than anything else.

Yes Wendy I'm sure it was quite a stunner & probably traumatic for you to hear someone, who had just informed you on the other end of a phone line requesting your immediate consideration of possible organ donation from your beloved spouse. Something extrememly difficult TO consider at such a time.

However.. with our children.. perhaps things will be different. They will be brought up to know how important organ donation is and the sheer thought and idea of organ donation won't be such a stunner for them perhaps. Maybe.. this generation will be more comfortable with it and more familiar with it.. so that heaven forbid they are someday in the shoes of Wendy & others were/are in.. that they will at least be a bit more knowledgeable & familiar to the idea of the gift of life their loved one may be able to give.

Our son came home one day this past spring and sat both my husband & myself down to tell us he had definitely chosen to be an organ donor. And we told him that we wanted to be organ donors as well. These very conversations I think are what is going to make organ donation much more commonplace. If, again, heaven forbid, any of us get one of those horrendous phone calls in the middle of the night.. we will be able to recall that conversation and with ease respond to the great need of someone else.

The Motor Vehicle agency deserves alot of credit for putting this INTO driver's education course curriculum and for making it so easy to state one's wishes.

So Vickie maybe your poor Pat couldn't have been an organ recipient, nor Larry, Deborah's beloved, and true.. there are so many people still living that agonizing wait, but perhaps with our youth will come great strides and those long waiting lists will dwindle.

But.. today.. what a loving remembrance of your dear Pat.

leeann

[mlg]

Vickie, what a lovely remembrance you have. I can imagine what that sunset looked like. What could have been a torturing day seems to have been peaceful and I'm glad that's the way it turned out for you. I hope you find some inner peace too. I'm sure Pat was sitting right there by you and will be close at hand forever.

Mary Linda

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Leeann. don't know what state your writing from, but in AZ, being an organ donor is a question asked when getting a drivers license. I do hope that the younger generation will be the Saving Grace on being Donors. I don't remember whether I was 16 or 19 when I was asked, but I had no hesitation at all, of course, give the Gift of Life! If Pat had a liver during the "Window of Opportunity", a 6 month time period, he would be alive. They put him through constant tests to make sure. It's such a difficult thought to Wrap your Brain around, that the sicker they are the Higher they go on the List. Then...if they get Too Sick, they are not a valid candidate for transplant, they die. So you can see the Window of Opportunity..IF the Organ is Available, & the fact that being listed is like walking the Plank! I truly pray that none of you on this site ever have to through the agony of this...it is a horrible waste of Life. All I can try to do is raise awareness abot being a donor, for it's too late to save Pat.

I'd like to hear Deb's story about Larry, if she has the time & strength to rehash it, I know it's so difficult to relive it mentally & causes pain to do so.

Yesterday I reached out to a friend for support, & heard her litany about all of her husbands faults. I asked her if he was listeningg...she said yes...he knows all this, & then I asked her how would she feel if he died tomorrow? The phone got really quiet. I then called a sister..who is worried about one of her ex-husbands grandkids & she said she was too stressed out to talk to me. So it goes, my friends. The people on this site have been a lifesaver for me.

Thank you all!

Vickie

[mlg]

I too think it is great to be an organ donor but their are a lot of people who look at it like "cutting up their loved one" and they want them to be "whole". Tom was that way so as long as he was alive it did me no good because they respect the family's wishes and as long as there is one person who does not agree they won't do it. I tried to explain to him that I didn't need those parts and he wouldn't see me look any different but he couldn't get past it. We have to respect those people's feelings and pray that when the time comes what is right will be done.

I think there is a reason that those on this website were the ones left behind and maybe yours was to try to help people understand the importance of organ donation. Mine and my girl's was to get people involved in helping find an early detection method for pancreatic cancer. Someone else's was the importance of a healthy heart. So let's not disappoint or loved one's let's keep trudging ahead, just like we have been, one foot in front of the other and make this world a better place.

Mary Linda

[leeann]

Vickie It always has been here too.. a simple question at the Motor Vehicle office. The difference now is they do more than just ask. They really discuss it in the Driver's Education class at the HS and the instructors actually strongly urge them to have "that" discussion with their families. And I for one am glad they do urge them.

Because it broaches the subject when there is no tragedy going on. It presents an opportunity to ask questions of each other and sometimes leads to other discussions about life support, DNR's, living wills etc. This way people's wishes are known way ahead of time.

True Mary Linda, some people really have a real aversion to it and for some it may even be opposed to their beliefs. But, I think, mostly the great long waiting lists are from lack of information and a lack of "those" discussions. So maybe our kids' generation will handle this a bit better. Well I hope so anyway.

leeann

[Guest Vickie O'Neil]

Mary Lida,

I realize the old school wants embalming, & often a viewing. I'm so glad Pat & I were married for I had the right to have him cremated, which was Pat's wish.

Pat came from a long line of people in the funeral business dating back to Ireland. His cousin is County Coroner in Will/s county, ILL, & his Uncle still has the O'Neil funeral home, run by his daughter....started by Pat's grandfather. Pat's Dad & all his Uncles were forced to go to Embalming school after high school.

So the family was shocked when I had him cremated..& then they called & wanted me to send ashes to be scattered on his Mom's grave. I'm glad Pat & talked to each other on these subjects, for he told me, I want to be in Young on all those Happy Trails that we hiked together. The funeral director told me you can't send ashes across a state line with out applying for a permit..$ 100 cost, & Pat would have been apalled at that, too..so I said No. Perhaps that's the reason my my in laws don't speak to me any more.

Vickie

[mlg]

The problem is there is the misconception that they can't have a regular visitation and funeral, but you can. It's the same thing with autopsies. People think you are "cutting up" their loved one, but if that autopsy could help save the life of someone else isn't it worth it? They are always discreet about where they make th incisions for both donation and autopsies and I wish people would realize that. Maybe through the drivers ed educational packets all this will change. I hope so anyway.

Mary Linda.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones ~

This is such an important and informative discussion! I'm not sure how many of you managed to find your way to my post of March 24 (in the thread entitled Did We Make The Right Choice?), so I'm reproducing the content of that post here:

Posted by MartyT, March 24, 2008 @ 4:07 PM

Dear Sister,

I wonder what responses you would get if you asked that same question of the people who were the recipients of your brother’s organs. I’m sure that, from their perspective and that of their family members, you certainly did “make the right choice.” I can think of no greater gift than that of organ donation, especially considering the tragic circumstances under which this precious gift was given by you and your family.

I simply cannot imagine what it must have been like for you and your family to have found yourselves in the position you describe, and I certainly can understand why, months later, you are still questioning the wisdom of the god-like decision you all were required to make. I think it's only natural to question such awesome decisions. Nevertheless, as I read your tragic story, it seems to me that you were honoring your brother’s wishes as you all understood them to be, and you did exactly what he would have wanted you to do. Without excusing any insensitivity on the part of the organ donation staff, I also have to believe that the people involved in your brother’s case were legally, ethically and morally bound to adhere to a very strict protocol in making certain that your brother was dead before they harvested any organs and tissues from his body.

I can only hope that, as you come to terms with this, you will give yourself the credit you deserve, and find some comfort in knowing that you helped your brother in this most selfless act of unmeasurable generosity.

I am reminded of this beautiful poem by Robert N. Test:

To Remember Me

The day will come when my body will lie upon a white sheet

neatly tucked under four corners of a mattress

located in a hospital busily occupied

with the living and the dying.

At a certain moment

a doctor will determine that my brain has ceased to function

and that, for all intents and purposes,

my life has stopped.

When that day comes,

do not attempt to instill artificial life into my body

by the use of a machine.

And don't call this my deathbed.

Let it be called the Bed of Life,

and let my body be taken from it

to help others lead fuller lives.

Give my sight to the man who has never seen a sunrise,

a baby's face or the love in the eyes of a woman.

Give my heart to a person whose own heart has caused nothing but endless days of pain.

Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.

Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body

and find a way to make a crippled child walk.

If you must bury something,

let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all prejudice against my fellow man.

Give my sins to the devil.

Give my soul to God.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me,

do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you.

If you do all I have asked,

I will live forever.

You might also find these resources informative and helpful:

Organ Donation: Don’t Let These 10 Myths Confuse You

Stories of Hope

An In-Depth Look at Organ and Tissue Donation (PBS)

Daniel’s Story