Ok This Hurt

[JoeA]

Well, I was going to post about milestones. Tuesday was 2 months since my Dad died - I was there in the Hospice house. Wednesday was 6 months since my wife died - I was there in the ICU "room". Today was the seventh anniversary of my youngest brother's death - no one was there, it took search team 2 days to find his body in the Sierras. Monday is my wife's birthday.

But what really tore me up, I was looking for a note pad for a friend to use. Removed some pages out of an old one so he could use it, and found notes my wife wrote the last 3 days of her life. Notes about what was happening to her physically. This breaks my heart. It's just bringing it all back.

I know there are no answers. Thanks for listening.

- Joe

[shhh65]

Joe,

My heart goes out to you! That must have been awful to find. My sisters and I kept notes about what was happening during my mother's last two weeks as we took care of her in home hospice. At first we thought we'd need to do it to remember when I gave her the last pain shot, etc. but then we just kept jotting down other things that were happening. That was in January 2003. I have never been able to go back and read it. That was my thought, it would just make me relive it and it was bad enough the first time. Besides the memories are in your mind anyway and they seem to have a way of surfacing from time to time.

I said a special prayer for you just now. I hope it helps to know that others are thinking of you and sending virtual hugs your way.

((Sherry))

[LarrysGirl]

Joe, the anniversaries and certain dates bring back everything as if it was yesterday. You've had so many losses and the six month mark of losing your wife, its so hard. Months after Larry's death I was looking thru a notebook that he would keep notes about drs. appts., medicine, etc. and also found some things he had written that I had not seen when he was alive. It tore my heart out wondering what he was feeling, was he scared, was his heartbroken knowing our dreams would not come true... Joe, I understand and I'm sorry you are hurting. Deborah

[WendyJ]

Joe my heart is breaking for you, I just can't imagine what you must be going through right now. You have had too many things come down on you at once and you must be one remarkable man to be getting through this and still be able to talk about your pain to others. But you know that is how we all get through this pain by expressing our feelings to eachother. It is so comforting when people respond and you know you have friends who understand and know that pain all too well and who are there for you.

I have been there with the note pads...still find notes all over and I know it hurts when you see something they wrote, know you are touching something they touched.

You will get through this my friend and we will help you get there every step of the way, always remember you have friends here who care.

Love,

Wendy

[cheryl lee]

Joe,my heart is breaking for you. I to have notebooks,when my husband was working swing shift we used the books to 'talk' because I worked days. I can't bring myself to really sit and read them yet, but I know they will be the most precious thing to me at some later point, I am sure as I go along I to will find all kinds of notes and reminders,you have been through alot,I myself lost a 6year old nephew, a 2year old niece and my mother in a single week, at the time I thought I would never recover,I did, but only because I had the love of my life beside me,and now I've lost him. I just hope it does not take 18 years to do that. Take care, Cheryl lee

[JoeA]

Wow. It means a lot to get this kind of support from people who are on the same journey, in this strange land of grief. Thank you thank you thank you.

Sherry, Deborah, Wendy and Cheryl Lee, you are angels. I know that you are all still in your own worlds of hurt, but you took the time to comfort me. And Wendy, you and Fred have just shared such great news and here I am with my sorrowful note, yet you come back with such a caring response. Please know that I am happy for you.

I really do feel better, just knowing that there are people out there who understand, who care, and who will listen.

- Joe

[leeann]

((((((((((((Joe)))))))))))))

Big Hugs to you.

Finding those notes must have just taken your breath away.

I have had similiar experiences and it is like I was right back in that moment in time. And when it happened like that.. out of the blue.. well it felt like I was almost emotionally slapped and... it smart.. to the quick.

So I can understand that.

But I'm so glad you shared that here so you could get some affirmations and support. Good on ya.

When this has happened to me, I learned that my wounds need some licking now and then. To feel the sting and then just let it grow. That's hard for me.. because I know that enormous pain is upon me again.

The type of pain I thought I wouldn't feel again or was "past" and the depth of it surprises me.

So.. I cry.

Maybe I have lost my stride for a bit after I've had that happen... but .. I get back up and keep walking eventually.

But for me.. it is important to acknowledge & express that pain. I think somehow it all adds to my journey. And my journey might be less or I might miss something.. if I hadn't stopped to let that pain in.

Don't know if you know what I mean...anyway...

But I could instantly identify with what happened to you. And know that must have been something really really hard.

leeann

[Gail_R]

Joe I know what you mean...Bruce my husband was numbers. We are farmers and he would just sit and figure out anything from how much it would be to buy new machinery to what it would be to put the crop in the grown and even to this day as I go through our desk and other places that he keep his papers I still find so of his numbers and like you they still take my breath away and it is 20 months since his death. But in a way it is nice to see something of his. You take care of yourself. Gail

[JoeA]

leeann -

Thank you. Those are wise words, and yes, I do know what you mean. A Hospice bereavement couselor told me that I should walk into the pain, not away from it, and I accept that. Plus, I have found as you say, that avoiding the pain can mean avoiding an opportunity for growth or maybe tranformation is a better word.

Anyway, thank you for caring.

Peace to you,

- Joe

Thank you Gail. It seems this is a common experience among us. There is a kind of comfort in this sharing of stories.

Blessings,

- Joe

[KathyG]

Joe, I'm sorry you're having to deal with so many anniversaries close together. I know how much that hurts. Unexpectedly finding something your spouse wrote in most cases is a pleasant surprise. But for people who are present when their spouse dies, anything that reminds us of that horrible day will dredge up the pain and make it feel fresh again.

I love my dog, but my husband was crazy about her and sometimes when I look at her, I see Bill playing with her and I remember how when he was in the hospital dying, a volunteer brought his puppy into the room. Bill was in a coma, and seeing him not respond to the puppy just destroyed me.

I read a quote recently that said something like "Pain is only temporary, but unless we feel it, we don't realize fully how much we loved someone who's gone or how much we need to do to fix something that has gone wrong in our lives."

[MikeC]

Joe,

That has to be so heart breaking. I get sad whenever I read things that Janet wrote, but most of her writing was about happy things, such as stuff the kids did or said. It reminds me of how much is now gone from my life and how much I miss her. But to read her description of how she was deteriorating physically has to be simply devastating. My heart goes out to you, and I'll keep you in my thoughts on your Kathy's birthday tomorrow.

Mike

[kayc]

Joe,

My heart goes out to you, you are dealing with so much right now. I am sorry there are reminders everywhere and you are dealing with more than one death, and Lord knows one is hard enough. Just know our thoughts and prayers are with you, you will make it through this, and the pain will eventually lessen, it's just right now you need a hug and we sure wish we could give you one!

((((Joe))))

KayC

[JoeA]

Thanks again everyone. I'm overwhelmed by your support. It got me through the shock of those notes - I'm OK now. Tomorrow I think I'll just work in the yard - there's plenty to do. Tomorrow evening I have a Hospice-sponsored support group meeting. This will be my fourth meeting with this group, so we've gotten to know each other pretty well, and they are also very supportive and understanding.

Peace to all,

- Joe

[teny]

Joe I know how it hurts.I wish I could find a note from Yiany .Nothing was left and I always wonder about so many words unspoken.I only have his voise at the answering mashine and my friends advise me not to keep it any more .I cant let go.Its almost 23 months.Love from far away TENY

[JeanneC]

Joe:

I know how that hurts. All the anniversaries one after the other. I remember finding notes that my husband wrote while he was in ICU. He could not talk because he had a trak collar for breathing. He also could not move his right hand too well so he was limited to using his left. I found notes that he wrote on pieces of paper on how he felt and that he loved me. But the saddest was that since he was not a lefty, they looked liked a a child wrote them. It does bring back a lot of bittersweet memories. Those notes to me I will always treasure. Of course not the time that he was in ICU. The hardest part for me Joe, and I am sure for you, is remembering them in the hospital at the worst time. This is what I know we must get past. Forgetting the times that they were sick and remembering the good times.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne