Kent's Ashes? What About Lou's?

[Rosemary T]

I read the post with great interest when I saw the title "Kents ashes". As I sit here and write this I am looking over at the urn with my Lou's ashes in it. I could have afforded a "spot" to put them in at our local cemetary but the thought of it was overwhelming. I had to have him with me. My dresser in the bedroom is a shrine of sorts. In fact anyone who came in here and saw how I have moved the study into the master bedroom with all of our pictures and then the ashes would probably think I am crazy to have all of this right in front of me everytime I go to sleep and there again upon waking.

I am worried about the ashes. I am almost afraid to tell everyone what I am thinking but Lou and I discussed this many times so I know what I want to do. I am just not sure how to pull it off. During our brief 19 years together (they just flew by!) Lou and I had several pets. 4 of them were dogs and what happened was very strange. The first dog "Fluffy" passed away quite a while ago and was very old. This was true also of one of our beloved kitties. It was with the other three dogs that it got weird. The oldest was an 18 year old Maltese and the youngest a 4 year old Cocker. All of our animals were rescue. During the two years before Lou's very unexpected death, all three of the animals had to be put down. How sad this was for us. We just loved our doggies (kitties too but they were doing ok). We could not believe that we were losing all of our dogs this way. Cancer, liver malfunction, and the oldest one, just old age. Anyway, we both said we wanted the pets remains to stay with us. We agreed that all of our ashes would be co-mingled when the time came and we would be together forever. So now we were just left with our sweek kitties who also seemed to grieve the loss of the doggies.

When I look back now I think in a way that the death of all the dogs before Lou died was (for me anyway) a bit of a blessing. I would not have been able to care for them. I am working about 15 hours a day and do not have family. I would never let my animals just stay outside and I could not have allowed them to be locked up with no fresh air or "potty breaks" for that long. Driving back and forth to let them out would have killed me both from a physical standpoint and a job standpoint. So now it is just me and the cats who do fine as long as they have a clean litter box and plenty of food and water. They use the pet door to lounge on the screened in patio and sleep on the bed with me at night. Weekends and holidays we just hang out together. What a comfort they are and certainly easier to leave alone then the dogs would have been.

Anyway, enough rambling.....I have all of these remains from the ones who loved me the most (Lou and the pets) just waiting for me to "do something". How will I manage to make sure we are all co-mingled together? How long will all of these urns be here in front of me? What will happen if I die suddenly or have to be put away somewhere while I wait to die? What will happen to these remains? Will that last wish of us all being together happen? Who will make sure it does?

I know there are people reading this who are thinking I have lost my mind. With all of the pain and lonliness I feel you would think that I would have more pressing issues to worry about than how I am going to make sure that all of us are together in the end and what will be done with our remains.

Sometimes I think about doing what she did, taking the ashes to some wonderful spot, co-mingling Lou with our babies and then spreading them out to become one with nature. But I just can't do it yet. I want them all with me. And I keep thinking......but my remains aren't with them! I need to be part of that! I did everything when it came to taking care of Lou and his remains after he died. I had no one to help me. I even planned the Memorial Service and wrote the program and had it run off for the service. That's me.....Ms. Control Everything! But.....it will be hard to "control" what happens to these ashes after I am gone! So, do I do it now and feel badly that I am not with them or I leave the job to someone (who the heck would that be?) for after I am gone and hope that it is done in the right way?

In the meantime, all of the urns just sit here together. I feel like they are all just waiting for me to make a decision or at least have a plan. Nothing happens. I just look at them and miss what they once were......my life, my joy, the only ones who ever loved me unconditionally....and now are gone.

A crazy woman, right?

[fred]

Oh Rosemary, don´t you realize by now that you are grieving, not crazy. Our hearts, our broken hearts are overruling our brains and the strongest things we feel are pain and loss of control. Perhaps you have heard it said that a person shouldn´t make any big or life changing decisions following a loss like ours. I only wish we all could be allowed the time to heal before we are forced to make big choices. Don´t do anything today, you aren´t ready. Give yourself time to work through this, to allow yourself make these decisions carefully and then live with them for a time before you take action. Only then will you know what is best. For right now, any day that you aren´t forced to make an irreversible decision will let you think it through and resolve it with greater clarity. Today, just take care of yourself, everything else will wait. You are not crazy, just grieving, it is okay. Hugs (( ))

[MartyT]

Rosemary, dear ~ Fred is absolutely right: You are not crazy. Furthermore, there is nothing wrong with your wanting one day to have your cremains co-mingled with those of your husband and beloved canine companions. This desire is more common than you might think ~ and if you think of the ancient Egyptians whose pyramids were found to contain the mummified remains of their pets, you will see that it's a practice that is neither new nor crazy. See, for example, this issue of Death Care Business Advisor.

[JeanneC]

Dear Rosemary:

You definitely are not crazy. As Fred has said, give yourself time.

You should hear what my husband asked of me to do with his ashes. He was very interested in space and paranormal. I would have to look into it, but he said that I should send his remains into space. People have been doing this. It does not have to be pricey. I don't know what state does it, but I did see something on TV where a group of people all together sent their loved ones remains into space. There are different levels: orbit, space and deep space. Could you imagine. Sounds so cold. I have done nothing as of yet, but I will try to look into this. It is just so hard to part with the ashes. I lost four cats about 5 years ago and I have their ashes. My husband's sit right next to theirs. He loved animals so much so I keep them together. We all have different ideas and feelings on what to do. What makes you happy is important.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[WendyJ]

Rosemary,

Like you I have Steve's ashes right on his dresser along with our wedding picture, pictures of him, pictures of his motorcycle and his furbabies who left before him...along with that is an electric candle that always remains lit. He is home with me and he will ramain home with me where he belongs. Having him here has brought me comfort since the day I brought him home and as weird as it sounds no matter the season, no matter the weather he is safe and sound and comfortable here. So you just keep his ashes right where they are too and if you want to you can have the funeral home mix some of his ashes with the dogs and do with them what you wish and leave the rest home right where they are safe and sound.

Love,

Wendy

[kayc]

You are not crazy at all, and your wishes should be respected. Make a will with your explicit instructions so they will be carried out in the event of your death. Let those close to you know of your wishes and make sure your lawyer has a copy of your will.