Does Anyone Else Feel This Way

[Jan Thurman]

I was wondering if anyone else is feeling the way I am lately. In the beginning I guess I was numb to everything else that was going on around me other than the death of my husband. But once that numbness wore off and you are back to reality with the economy, financial stresses, working and my mothers alzeihmers I feel that I don't have time to grieve and it is stalling the process and getting me stressed out about it. My daughter who has been my rock through all this had her hours cut in her job and is trying to find work to make up those hours so she has been very stressed lately and every time I have felt that I needed to sit and talk to her about her dad she either has so much to do or I feel that she is too busy to listen to me that I don't even try. She said that she feels so bad that she can't be there for me right now but that she has alot going on in her own life and I definitely understand that. I do have my support group but there is such a large group this time that you don't have very long to pour your heart out. I have made a friend from the group - a lady that lost her husband about the same time I lost mine. We went out to dinner the other nite and talked for a couple of hours. That was nice. A person in my group mentioned that his marriage is falling apart and is causing him so much grief that he can't grieve his son dying properly because of the stress of his marriage and that made me think of how I feel with all the other stresses in my life now. Thanks for listening. Jan

[marsha]

Jan - you are definitely not the only one to feel like this!! I'm running a business alone that Joe and I started 8 years ago; everything was going great until the economy tanked. Now I'm hard pressed to even pay my bills. It's causing big time stress - and, I have no partner to talk to about it. And, well, life seems to be going on whether I like it or not. In a way, those first few months of numbness provided a kind of protectiveness; now, I'm feeling like I have to rejoin the world of the living. I just miss my husband so much it takes effort to do so. You have so much on your plate - I have no doubt it's overwhelming. But going to a support group, and posting here, at least will give you some confirmation that you aren't going crazy, and that your feelings are normal! I'm sorry if I sound analytical - it's just hard to get the true depth of my feeling out sometimes. But I do believe that grief doesn't take a time out, so don't feel like you're stalling. It's all there, in your heart and mind. Peace and hugs, Marsha

[dpodesta]

Jan,

The first 6 months or so I went through a lot with finances and getting a lot of work done around the house that needed to be done. It was awhile before I could slow down and really have time to grieve. I actually think it kind of helped however. With everything going on it was a distraction and allowed me to focus on other thigs at first so that when I did slow down and had to face the reailty of it all it wasn't as painful. I think that if I would have had to face that in the very begining it would have been more than I could have handled.

Love always

Derek

[JeanneC]

Hi Jan

I know what you mean about stalling the process, when you are stressed about other things. I don't know if my grieving has been stalled, maybe it has and right now it is starting again. I feel right now, and I definitely think it is the holidays, that I can't cope with anything. I am very depressed, not in a very good frame of mind and crying a lot. I work in New Jersey right next to the mall and I just was wandering around and I just could not stay there another minute longer. I just started getting real sad. I just can't wait till the holidays are over with. I hope I didn't depress you. But I do understand what you are going through.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[fred]

Jan and friends, What you are experiencing is absolutely normal. While I did not have any added stress from the outside at the point the ¨numbness¨ wore off, I took on extra work to try to avoid the pain and sleepless nights. The result is the same, our grief is stalled at that point because we do not have the opportunity to work through it or because we won´t face it. Your grief ¨work¨ will still be there when you are able to return to it, and you will get through it. Deal with those things that require attention today, do not take on any more than you can handle EASILY at any time, and when you need a break, from whatever, take it. The most important thing is to take care of yourself. We are all here to talk with whenever you want or need to. Just know that you are loved and will be okay. ((( )))

[Rosemary T]

I guess because for the first 7 months after Lou's death I was totally alone (even that very first night that I left his body at the hosital)I sure got to my grief very quickly. I still worked the same long hours (I went back to work 10 days after he died) but instead of coming home to his cheery laughter, the house was dark. It was still winter time so it was dark outside too. I would spend the few hours I was home feeding the raccoons, filling the bird feeders, taking care of my cats and then I would shower, eat and fall into bed. The next morning I was up at 4:45 am and would bring out the garbage, make my lunch for the day, pack my things for school and perhaps the YMCA if I could squeeze in a few hours and then in the dark still, I would head to work. All that time alone and in the dark gave me so much time to think about Lou and what I had lost. I refused to listen to any music (don't ask me why but I just can't listen to it anymore) and rarely had the TV on. I was just too busy praying, reading the bible and falling asleep exhausted after all I had to do. Lou was such a BIG help with everything...it was really hard doing it all myself. The toilet in our Master Bath started to leak a month after he died. I had to take the entire thing apart (I mean the entire tank with all the inside workings) three times before I finally got it right.

I have been doing things I never thought I could. But instead of taking any real pride in my accomplishments I am just SAD SAD SAD that he isn't here with me. Do I really care that the toilet leaks or the house is dirty or the garbage needs to go out? NO!!!!! But....what else is there to do?

I just keep thinking....how dare the world keep going on with Lou being gone? I switch between anger at the World and God, to just an ache for my Lou who will never be back.

Thanks for posting this topic. I needed to vent!

Rosemary

[kayc]

Rosemary,

I am so proud of you! I don't think I could take a toilet apart and fix it, three tries or not! Just think how proud Lou would be of you! I feel like a failure in comparison, I can't believe how hard it is to try to do everything yourself, and all the more so when you don't feel like it!

My kudos to you!

KayC