Losing My Mind, Whatever Is Left Of It

[marsha]

Friends - today's been a hard day. Nothing in particular happened, I just feel like I hit the wall. Or a wall, as I'm sure this won't be the last time. Maybe it's the holidays, I don't know. Like I told Teny in her last post, I feel like I have one foot in this world and one where Joe is. It's been almost 5 months. I can't seem to focus or be interested in anything - I do what I have to do, I do paperwork, I even did some cleaning today - but I'm just lost. I don't know who Marsha is any more. I hate feeling like this. Those of you who have gone through this, any words of help? I need to know things will change, that this hopelessness will abate. Thank you - Marsha

[MikeC]

It is nearly 5 months for me, too. I hit that wall just about every day. I am also trying to figure out who I am now - whoever I used to be died along with Janet. From what I've read here I think everybody hits that wall from time to time, even those that have been at this a lot longer than you and me. They tell me it gets better - I hope so. Take care, Marsha.

Mike

[karenb]

It's touch and go, Marsha....we sure know that. There doesn't seem to be anything but time that helps. It's 3 years, 4 months and I've filled my time with paperwork, my small home business, my family, my dog, my yard, canning, mowing, gardening, volunteering, going to church, going to exercise - just tried to keep busy so the time would go by. As you know the evenings are hard, it would be so nice to have those husband's arms around you, the conversation and caring - it's not going to happen. But we do get through it - I'm here to testify to that as are many others here. You just have to take the blows, breath deep, and come out the other side one step closer to being somewhat the same person you were before....never the same, but somewhat closer. Take care of yourself - think of you first so you'll be able to think of others soon. Hang in there, my friend.

Karen

[LarrysGirl]

Marsha, hitting a wall is another part of the grief, sorry to say. For me not being able to focus or concentrate was so miserable. I would wake up some days with a plan and either my body wouldn't cooperate or my mind. That was very frustrating. There will be better days for you it just takes some time to pass and giving your heart and mind a chance to mend. Your heart can't bear to feel it all right now, so its your body's was of helping you heal, little by little. I'm usually honest about my journey here and for me its still a struggle. Yes there are days where the pain doesn't overwhelm me as in the beginning but there are still some pretty awful ones. You will get thru this, just one day at a time. Deborah

[fred]

Marsha and Mike, The wall. Hmmm, hadn`t heard it called that before, but it does sound like something familiar. It crept up on me, little by little; it felt more like slipping down deeper into the pit I had fallen into upon my wife`s death. The shock is wearing off, you don`t even realize that you had been in shock, but the numbness is beginning to wear off. You start to realize that this isn`t just some nightmare that you will awaken from at any moment. A nightmare that you may awaken from screaming and soaked in sweat. No, it is real. It is a new reality worse than any nightmare you could ever imagine and now you are alone. They aren`t coming back. They won`t be there beside you when you wake up in the morning. They won`t be there when you get home from work. You can`t tell them about the interesting thing you learned or thought of earlier. You can`t have a hug.

I am sorry. This is the beginning of the worst of it. For me, it was a little later on, but it was bad. I did everything I could to avoid it. Literally worked almost around the clock for two whole weeks (I had barely slept in seven months anyway, how much worse could it get). Nothing helped. Let me correct that last statement: There was nothing that I could do that helped at all. But I got through it. Ended up sick and utterly spent, but still survived. And I learned the hard way that you can`t run away from your grief, you can`t avoid it. But you have something I didn`t, something that should make all the difference in the world. I had friends and family, friends that had lost spouses. What I didn`t have was this group you belong to, this family that is here 24/7 to talk to about anything. Share everything you are feeling, rant, cry, scream, whatever you need to or want to do. I haven`t sugar coated any of this so far, the coming days may be as bad as the day you began this horrible journey. They may even seem worse, because some part of your mind or body has decided that you are ready for this next step. This is the new reality, and it is not pretty. You are getting a taste of what is to come, but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT! Each of us that has made it to the first or second or what ever anniversary we are closest to has been through something like this and we all wish we could be there to hug you and hold your hand and let you know it is going to be okay. I know it may not help to hear it, you certainly don`t think that anything is going to be okay today, but trust me it does get easier. Today may be the worst day, or maybe it will be tomorrow, but at sometime you will know that the worst day was a month ago or two months and you will be stronger for having gotten through it.

If there is someone special that it really helps to talk to or be with or just cry with, let them know you may need them handy for awhile. If not, then please stay very close to us. We will be here. We love and care for you and know what this is like. Be especially careful not to subject yourselves to any extra stress and take especially good care of your physical, emotional and mental needs. Eat well, walk or get whatever exercise you can and try to sleep. You will need your rest. You will be okay!

Love, Hugs and Prayers ((( )))

Edited November 23, 2008 by fred

[teny]

MARSHA Im so sory that you hurt.I want to thank you for answering my post and tell you that since you have the courage to confort others that meens that there are days you feel more yourself.It is 2 years for me and I have been through all the feelings all of friends here describe.Yesterday FRED answered my post andhe made think by telling me thatYiany would not want me to spend the rest of my life missing him.I know we all miss our loved ones and we will never stop missing the lost life.That is not the life we ordered butwhat we can do of life left.I have no answer yet.Im stugling every day with the help of all of you my far away friends.TENY

[kayc]

To Marsha and to all others in this stage:

That 5-7 month stage of grief has been dubbed one of the hardest...it's where the shock wears off and reality sets in. When the phone rings you know it's not your spouse calling. When it's a certain time of day, you know they're not coming through that door. You know that side of the bed will continue to be empty and cold. You know there isn't that person to notice if you made it home okay, to care, to talk over your day with. You're tired of facing the "firsts without" and the holidays are coming and what's the meaning of life anyway. We still go through that. But like Karen and Deborah said, it does get a bit better with time...or maybe it's that we just get more used to it. We never like it, we don't have to. But it's important that at some point we learn our new identity, who we are now, and grow used to it. As Fred said, we can't avoid this pain, this stage of grief, we have to go through it, but we are here for you. Voice yourself, cry, scream kick the wall (not too hard, we don't want any broken toes), whatever you feel you need to do. Don't expect too much of yourself...if you LIKE taking on big home projects, fine, if not, don't! Be KIND to yourself, understanding and full of grace as if you were a best friend you were dealing with, cuz you know what? You ARE your best friend now! So treat yourself like one, take good care of yourself, get some exercise, try to get some sleep, eat healthy, pamper yourself now and then, even if it's only time out for a bubble bath. It's easy to isolate, try to get out a bit, make a new friend, force yourself to seek a new interest like painting or dancing or a second language. Maybe sign up for yoga to help you relax. Little by little your new life will come together, but it will be painfully hard and require concerted effort on your part.

The hardest part is putting one foot in front of the other and keeping going, because you don't feel like it, you feel life for you has no more meaning. But life can take on new meaning, it just won't be the same, you have to look for small joys in whatever places you can find them...I've said this before, but I had to look for joy in the simplest things, an elk bugling (yes Derek, home, home on the range! LOL), a cat purring on my lap, my son's beautiful dog Skye greeting me when I come home, for others it will be a grandchild, or some form of volunteer work. If I lived closer to the city, I'd volunteer to hold babies in ICU...there are a lot of types of volunteer work that can bring great rewards, but my problem is time and distance. There are animal shelters, you can walk dogs or groom them. The important thing is finding that niche that is right for you. For me, I am once again about to embark on reestablishing my identity and rebuilding my life, and need to find that niche all over again...you will too, but it takes time.

I wish you the best,

Love,

KayC

[fred]

I am glad Kay mentioned taking small joys where you find them, and seeing how she used references to feet twice in the passage, I think I am supposed to add a small request for everyone. Can anyone get Wendy to relate the story of breaking a toe by kicking something? It is a good laugh!

[WendyJ]

LOL Fred I can't believe you remember that...only it wasn't something it was someones butt, my older daughters teenager a** She just made me so mad at the time with her sassy teenaged attitude that I had to kick something and I decided as she turned away it would be her butt. Thing is we got a good laugh out of it..but in turn she got the last laugh, I hit her just right and broke my little toe and she barely felt it ! So yes just be careful what you kick...it might cause more pain than what you started with ! LOL

Love Always,

Wendy

[marsha]

OK, Wendy, I promise to be careful what I aim for! Thanks, guys, I feel better today - a walk on the beach always seems to help. Like the ocean, my tidal wave is receding, for today - and I'm grateful. Fred, like Teny said, your posts always make me sit up and think - your support is so appreciated. We may not be here physically for each other, to give hugs, but your your posts are keeping me sane - I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Kay, Deb, Karen, and Mike - I hope for a peaceful night for all of us, Marsha

[WendyJ]

Marsha the lesson here is even if you aim for something soft, you still may be in trouble. I thoroughly agree what you said about Fred he truly is such a good friend and knows how to say just the right things. Just today he got me through some very major anxiety and tears as I had to take Derek back to the airport to go back home. My heart is breaking as I miss him so much already but Fred makes me keep things in perspective and keeps me thinking rationally. Thank you Fred you are a dear friend. Marsha what you are feeling is so normal even though it doesn't feel it to you, we all still have those days, even some of us who have moved on to having relationships with other people. It is still hard, just not as intense...hang in there and we will all get you through this one day at a time.

Love Always,

Wendy

[fred]

Aww shucks, girls. You are going to embarrass me right off of here.

Seriously, you have all given me so much support, it is I that am forever in your debt. We will all make it through together. Peace and Love!

[kayc]

Wendy,

My prayers are with you and Derek, I know how hard it is to be apart when you are in love. May God speed the time until you can be together for good.

Love,

KayC

[dpodesta]

Awww Fred, are you blushing???

[kath]

Hello, Marsha.

A mind is a terrible thing to lose and the thought brings me back to the same five month mark. I wish I would have had someone to tell me that it is normal after such a shock to our system. I am a firm believer that we are given only what we can handle. So the numbness in the beginning is our protection. As it begins to wear off and the reality sets in, it feels so devastating. I poured myself into church at every opportunity. So much of the time, it was with a great amount of fear, confusion, weakness and lonliness, but I made myself go. For me, it was the constant in a world that had too many changes coming at me. It was dependable, I knew what to expect. I turn to cement when I struggle with fear. There is no fight or flight, it's all quicksand for me. I can't move. When it hits the worst, I find I'm looking too much past the moment...to the next day, or year, or event. I need to keep my focus on right now. Most things I can handle in one second increments. It's all about the baby steps. A lot of days it can seem like one step forward, and two steps back, but at least I'm moving.

My seven month mark came just before Bob's birthday. I was scared, totally gripped with fear about what lie ahead. I remember the sermon that Sunday and how it changed things for me. The Gospel reading was the Transfiguration and my priest told us how the Bible gives us four steps for dealing with fear. First, get up and move. Don't just lay there. Second, surround yourself with caring people for support. Don't try to do it alone. Third, let the struggle become a part of who you are. (I took this struggle to mean losing Bob.) Don't tell everyone you meet about what happened, just let it become part of you. (This was okay, too. I stopped trying to explain why I was so distraught, distracted or confused to people I hardly knew.) Lastly, when you are ready, go out and help those going through the same thing.

Just by being here, it shows we are all survivors. It doesn't matter if we are hanging on by our nails, we are working through the most horrifying aspect of our lives. I think often of those four steps. It is encouraging to know that I am at least moving in the right direction, only because I am still moving and by being here, it doesn't feel so alone. Kath