Lost My Best Friend, My Dad.

[emptyinside]

Hi. I need some help here and found this forum. I feel extremely depressed. My father, who is my best friend and closest person to me, passed away. Ever since I was little, I was always afraid he'd be taken away from me; he and I were very close, and he was the best father any person could ask for. He's the type of father who'd drive you around town for hours when you needed some last minute item for your school project that's due the next day. He's the type of father who will buy your favorite foods and secretly put it in your fridge. He's the the type of father who will drop everything to listen when you're having a problem. We hugged each other every day, and I always told him I loved him.

I read posts in the forum. I had family members come over, telling me to stop crying and that "time will heal." Of course, these are the family members who haven't really lost anyone close. They say I need to accept this. Stop crying, stop crying, stop crying.

People who tell me to get over it have no idea how important he is to me. If I'm not crying, I'm making circles around the house like a zombie. I saw two counselors (I am a very open person about my feelings, so I looked forward to it), but they gave me cliches (he's in your heart; time will heal) and gave me meds without really listening to me (one of them was busy typing on his computer as I talked). I will try others later because I know finding a counselor that fits you is a process unto itself, but right now my mom and I are just talking about him 24/7 without going out except to buy food.

Does anyone understand this? Every minute of existence is excruciating. Thank you for reading.

[mlg]

Your post doesn't say how old you are but that really doesn't make any difference. A loss is a loss no matter what the age.

BREATHE. Slow down and just breathe. You have endured a MAJOR loss.

More importantly, you did NOTHING wrong. There are some things we have control over and other things we don't. You thought he was doing better and had gone to prepare a comfortable place for him. You had no idea what God had in mind. It wouldn't have made any difference if you had been there. And like you said, had you known you would have stayed. As a nurse I have seen many a person sit by their loved one day and night for days on end and when they go to the bathroom the person dies. I really think there are some people who don't want their loved ones actually see them go. At any rate whether they can control it or not there is no way you can.

I'm not going to tell you that this is going to be an easy journey because as you are already finding out, it is not. Denial is just one part of the journey and for some it is short and others it lasts a long time. There is no wrong way to go through this unless it affects your health or someone around you. You have to do it in YOUR way and in YOUR time.

Keep talking with him. He hears you and someday he may even send you a sign. Others have gotten them, but I haven't been so lucky.

I hope you will come back here often and vent, scream, ask questions whatever you feel you need to do to get through this.

[leeann]

Em... I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. ANd yes.. I *so* get what you are saying and I hate to tell ya... but what you are feeling is "normal". It does hurt this bad. And you two seem to have been blessed with an especially close relationship. This is gonna hurt. And I have found how much I hurt is in direct proportion to how well I was loved and loved in return.

Like mlg so wisely stated...you are not doing anything wrong. So what you were shopping... and busy getting things ready FOR him.

Hon, you didn't know when he was going to pass. No one can possible know that. I think you are expecting something super human of yourself that way. No one could have known.

Kudos to you for seeking to see a counselor. And you are very smart to know that it does sometimes take road-testing a few before you find the right one. So don't give up til you do find the right one for you.

People who tell you to get over it I don't think really understand the loss you have suffered. If they did... they surely wouldn't say such a thing. These are very early days for you yet. And to be honest.. I found, really, there is NO "getting over it". We all just learn to live our lives without that person physically here with us anymore; and that learning, I have found, takes some serious time.

We all grieve in our own way and in our own time.

Hon you ARE accepting this...otherwise you wouldn't be in as much pain. And when you aren't in pain... you wouldn't be walking around in a daze like you told us about if you weren't accepting it. And we ALL accepting these things in our own way and our own time too! So be gentle with yourself.

I have found that I do much better when I do express my feelings and also when I refrain from judging my grief. And I would set anyone else you may be judgin your grief gently straight by saying that you are walking your own grief journey and will do so in your own way and time. (There's those words again... your OWN way.. and time. I repeat them because I believe they are so important to healing.)

When you used the word "denial" I don't think that is what you were really doing. I think what you were really doing was going on the best way you could in that time. It WILL get better and your feelings won't be AS intense as they are right now forever. But.. it takes time... your time.

Hon please come here and feel free to express your feelings or just keep us posted on how you are doing.

We're here for you.

leeann

[DebFromLodi]

Wow, you are going through so much and i feel so bad for you. I wish i could help, but i am still trying to deal with my mom's death in February. It does get better, a little easier, but there is never a day that goes by that i don't talk to her. It feels like someone took away the most important thing in my life. I was so lucky to have her for a mom for 56 years, she was the best mom ever. This will be my first Xmas without her but somehow, i believe she will be with us. Maybe someday I will hear from her, I hope.

You hang in there and don't let anyone try to manage your sorrow for you. You hurt, scream, kick, cry all you want. Just don't let those people get to you, ok? Remember to thank God every single day for all the wonderful memories of your father. Ask God to please tell him how much you love and miss him and please to give you a sign.

I am praying for you and for so many other people at this site going through what we are all going through.

[bsk]

Hi EmptyInside,

I read your post and felt like you were voicing thoughts from my head - my dad passed away in similar circumstances 2 months ago. And I have been feeling exactly the same emotions you have been.

My dad was 68, had diabetes and related conditions (kidney disease, heart disease). I lived halfway across the globe from my parents (they were in India), but we were very close (frequent visits both ways etc.). My dad had been in the hospital all this September from chronic kidney failure. I had rushed to be with him for about a week, handled everything from managing his care, speaking with the doctor and researching on the web. He was getting better, and my wife was alone here, so I flew back to the US. My dad went back home 5 days later, was so happy to be back. 2 days later, he suddenly passed away from an apparent cardiac arrest, in his own bed. I rushed back again, only to see his lifeless body, and to cremate it in front of my eyes.

Being the only son of my parents, I now feel deeply deeply guilty for leaving him one week before. I feel so strongly that he would not have died had I been there with him. Perhaps I could have given him better CPR, perhaps I could have spotted the warning signs a bit earlier. The day I left, he had kissed me on the forehead and told me how happy he was to have seen me. I failed to take that as a sign. My dad was the kindest and most innocent man I ever knew, but I never told him that in as many words. Now I never can. We shared an unspoken bond that transcended everyday things, and now that's the only thing I can hold on to.

I see your angst at not being able to do everything you possibly could to save him. After my dad passed away, I have played back every decision point over the last 10 years again and again to go down the "what if" paths. If I had not relocated last year, if I had not returned back too early, if I had researched a bit more on his last symptoms...

We think deep inside our hearts that that extra effort could have saved our fathers. And it probably could have. But we are human too - we err in our judgements. We even err in how much optimistic we should be. And finally, we still cannot control the random events that rule our lives and our health.

In my mind, that cross of guilt that we think we need to bear for the rest of our lives, is nothing but the shining love we had for our fathers. Don't resist the guilt - it only springs from your love.

[emptyinside]

Your post doesn't say how old you are but that really doesn't make any difference. A loss is a loss no matter what the age.

BREATHE. Slow down and just breathe. You have endured a MAJOR loss.

More importantly, you did NOTHING wrong. There are some things we have control over and other things we don't. You thought he was doing better and had gone to prepare a comfortable place for him. You had no idea what God had in mind. It wouldn't have made any difference if you had been there. And like you said, had you known you would have stayed. As a nurse I have seen many a person sit by their loved one day and night for days on end and when they go to the bathroom the person dies. I really think there are some people who don't want their loved ones actually see them go. At any rate whether they can control it or not there is no way you can.

I'm not going to tell you that this is going to be an easy journey because as you are already finding out, it is not. Denial is just one part of the journey and for some it is short and others it lasts a long time. There is no wrong way to go through this unless it affects your health or someone around you. You have to do it in YOUR way and in YOUR time.

Keep talking with him. He hears you and someday he may even send you a sign. Others have gotten them, but I haven't been so lucky.

I hope you will come back here often and vent, scream, ask questions whatever you feel you need to do to get through this.

Thank you for your reply. I'm just going to have to do it my way, like you said, and try not to judge it. But it's just that everyone talks about moving on...and I don't want to, so people make me feel weird about it. I'm waiting for him to come back in some kind of miracle.

I will come back often to scream. It feels nice to have a place to do that where I don't have to wonder when I'll surpass a tolerance level, you know?

[emptyinside]

Thanks.

[AnnieO]

I have been reading the posts and am so sorry for the pain you are all going thru.

My mom died Dec.06 and my dad died Oct 07. I took care of them for almost 3 years. I also blamed myself for not taking better care of them, not doing more, etc.

You all loved your parent and did the best that you could. When I was dealing with this guilt, a friend of mine told me, "you made your decisions based on the info. you had , at that moment". You did not know what was going to happen in the next few days or weeks. You did the best that you could at that time. You need to forgive yourself, you cannot change anything in the past. You parent would not want you blaming yourself for anything. You loved them and they loved you and they know you did everything you could to help them.

[emptyinside]

I just feel so useless now.

I was extremely happy taking care of my dad. Nothing fazed me. If he needed help going to the bathroom, showering, etc., I was happy to do it. He helped me so much in life; I was only too happy to return the favor.

I'm crying now and feeling such sorrow. All I want to do is take care of him! I'd do it 24 hours a day all over again.

[DebFromLodi]

I talk to my mom out loud. I am alone in the mornings after hubby goes to work. I sit and have my coffee, look outside and start talking to her. I talk to her all day, just like she is standing right beside me. I am hoping she is there and can hear me.

Things really will get better for you but that is going to take some time. Just be kind to yourself and express your grief in anyway your mind and body needs. The way I look at it is that I had my mom for 56 years and it has only been 10 months since I lost her. How can I forget 56 years of unconditional love she gave to me in such a short time? I will NEVER get over this, but it is getting better. I think it comes with acceptance of her passing. I think people go through different phases in grief. I hope this helps you some.

[leeann]

You are missing him and missing taking care of him. We have all felt this too.

You are not useless. Your usefullness is changed... that's all.

Processing our losses is a useful, albeit very painful, quest. Healing is something you can do and will do over the next while. It will take some time to get used to life without your Dad physically here. (It's ok that you talk out loud to him. I still do that sometimes too.) And that getting used to a new life is something very useful I have found.

I believe we change when we lose someone very siginifcant in our lives. And I have found it to be a huge learning experience... oddly.. about life itself.

But it's painful learning.. that's for sure. And there will be more tears ahead of you .... that's ok.. it's all part of the healing.

And of course you will be there for your Mom now too. So you are far from useless. Just that now your activities & focus will be different.

I remember having that split second when all was well upon waking in the beginning after a loss. Those precious few seconds when I hadn't recalled they had passed away...but soon enough reality was there and I just wanted to turn over and pretend it wasn't. But I put feet to floor and got on with life as best I could, a teeny step at a time, and you will too.

Sometimes I think it is easier to take care of others than it is to take care of ourselves. Yet after we experience such a tremendous loss that is exactly what we need to do.. take care of us.

All of this transitioning takes time though and much patience with ourselves.

So try today to go easy with you and envision what your Dad would have to say to you now.... How much I'm sure he appreciated you taking care of things so well. I'll bet you were reassuring to him many times.... now.. perhaps... let him reassure you.

(((((Hugs)))))

leeann

[AnnieO]

I think I understand. Its like your life was all about taking care of your dad and now you don't know what to do with all the time you have. It just leaves facing the pain doesn't it?

Nothing to distract you , even for a moment. I too, got all my mom's medical charts, I studied them. There was a period of time where they couldn't figure out what was wrong. When I go back and look at all they put her through, it breaks my heart. BUT, we didn't know. We did what we thought was right at that moment. I hung onto her charts for almost 2 years. I don't know why, but just 2 weeks ago, I built a fire and burned them. It was healing for me. I remember hitting a point in my grief, where I was so angry and just fed up..it was like I had convinced myself this was a test..I had to go thru losing my parents just as long as I possibly could and then when I said "enough"...I would magically get my parents back. Does that make sense?

My mom was my best friend, I saw her everyday and talked to her all day long. I was with friends the other day and they were complaining about taking care of their elderly parents. I pointed out to them the alternative to this , is not having their parents with them. And that when they die, these same people would give anything to take care of them one more day.

I am so sorry for you pain. You are not alone.

[leeann]

Oh Annie you expressed that so well. I found that to be SO true too.... trying to avoid the pain by any number of reasons. Course for me some were legit... my husband's huge surgery less than 6 mos after the loss of my Mom *was* a legit distraction. But once all of those crises were over... I had no one to care for... except... me. And yeah I wanted to avoid that pain like the plague. But I knew... no other way but to face it a bit at a time... head on. But the desire to avoid it... yes.. so strong.. and I think only natural but.. it was and is still necessary.

Thanks for expressing that so well, you helped me too.

leeann

[MartyT]

Dear emptyinside,

I am struck by your comment that, "For this, I am forever guilty." Guilt is what we feel when we purposefully commit a hurtful act ~ when we intentionally exploit or betray another, or fail to keep our promises. Regret, on the other hand, is the feeling of sadness we have when what we've done has not turned out the way we wished or intended.

I doubt that there is a person among us who could have fulfilled all the responsibilities of the caregiving role any better than you have done with your beloved father. You cared for him as well as you could under the circumstances, given the very human limits of time, distance, energy and all the rest. You are deeply saddened because despite all your efforts, despite all your love and caring, you could not save your father from dying. Of course you regret that, but you've done nothing wrong here, and you are not at fault.

Still, feeling guilty over what you've done or failed to do is a normal part of the grief process, and it's an indicator of what a good person you really are. As I've stated elsewhere, it is my experience that only good people feel guilty. Those who don't experience any feelings of guilt when they abuse themselves or others are the people I really worry about.

I've gathered below some articles about caregiver guilt that I hope you'll take the time to read. At the very least, they may help you feel less isolated and alone in what you are experiencing.

Caregiver Guilt

Caregiver Guilt Difficult to Allay

Coping with Guilt

Dealing with Guilt: The Goldman Method

[bsk]

Thanks for those perceptive comments, Marty. The links you posted are very useful -- I will follow some of those suggestions.

It is in some way heartening to find like-minded people who deal with such guilt emotions. Makes the healing process a little easier.

Emptyinside, just like you did, I followed up with my dad's doctor after he passed. The irony was, after all the research into my father's conditions when he was alive, we never knew how exactly he died (my father had some breathlessness and was gone in a few minutes at home). I was raging inside to find out what got him finally - cardiac arrest, heart attack or something else. I felt like I needed some closure around that at the least. Had discussions with his doctor, then did more research. I'm not any clearer now, but the process of doing that helped.

Regarding the sign I thought I saw, the night before I had to board a flight back to the US, he had mild chest pain in the hospital. It was after that that he kissed me and mentioned how happy he was that I had come to see him (he would suppress such emotions before). That WAS my sign. I was more bound to my flight ticket than to the subtle warning my mind threw out (my lesson: heed these signals in the future -- atleast for my own satisfaction).

I think time per se will not heal the guilt nor the intensity of the grief. It is a question of our minds coming to some kind of understanding. Reading these forums gives me so much perspective, a sense of belonging with others, and ultimately, I hope, an acceptance of that which every one of us has to face in life.

[emptyinside]

I'm having a hard night.

I keep having flashbacks of my dad and I spending time together. Today a particularly potent one popped up. My dad and I had lunch just about every day. He'd come into the room with his trademark jacket on and say, "Ready to go?" I'd grab my bag and go, "Yup!" And we'd head off. Something about that little moment is so touching to me. I also hear him locking the back door. Swoosh, click. It was a comforting routine.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITHOUT THAT? Sorry to yell, but I NEED to have that again! It's such a simple moment. Going to lunch. I always felt safe. No matter what problems or what a bad day I was having, I found that our lunches were my sanctuary; I could vent and be listened to.

[leeann]

(((((EM))))) I'm so sorry you are having a rough night tonight.

Yes.. I totally agree it IS those very little, simple things that somehow end up meaning so much to us.

When I recall those moments myself I usually cry and then.. I start thanking that I had those moments at all. The thanking helps me feel calmer once again. I even thank my folks themselves and I am so grateful I had them for parents.

Recalling those simple things & times I think helps us come to terms with the loss even more. We end up expressing our emotions... thinking about what we did when they were with us and now missing those times. Yes.. terribly painful... but progress nonetheless. And none of us would hurt this badly if we weren't loved so well.

I can almost picture your Dad popping in and asking if you were ready. I'm so glad you had those times with him.

leeann

[emptyinside]

Annie, thank you for your words. Yes, I don't know what to do with myself. I loved looking after him.

MartyT, thank you for the links. I will check them out. Guilt is such a hard thing to wrestle with. I thought I was doing 100% at the time; I think now I could have given more, or at least been smarter. Hindsight is 20/20.

Bsk, your words ("I was more bound to my flight ticket than to the subtle warning") struck a cord in me. I was also bound to my flight.

Thank you, Leeann. I'm glad I had those moments, too. But maybe I'm built weird or am selfish, but I never dwell on the happiness part. I don't really go, "Well, at least I had the best dad; a lot of people aren't so lucky." I tend to go, "I'm so lucky I had the best dad. I want him back now! It can't go away!"

[leeann]

Oh Em don't be fooled.. I want mine back too.

And yes in the beginning I had physical pain as well. It felt like I was aching from the inside out.

(((((EM))))) More hugs for you.

leeann

[emptyinside]

Deleted.

[DebFromLodi]

Please, please don't do that to yourself. It is breaking my heart reading what you are going through. I wish I (or anyone) could help you through this. I keep remembering back when I moved out of my mom's house (i was in my 30's) and she walked me out to the car. I looked at her and she had tears in her eyes, hugged me and said "come home." Do you know what I would give now to be able to go home and live with her again? God, I miss her. Then, when she was in the rest home, she said to me: "I often wondered why you never let me move in with you." That still cuts like a knife when I remember it. Why did I not let her move in? I had having regrets when it is too late to change anything.

Sorry for going on about my problems. It is you I am worried about now.

[emptyinside]

Oh, Deb, please do go on about your problems. We have to let it out, don't we? And it can only serve to make us feel less alone when similar sentiments are echoed. I'm so sorry about your mother. But the good thing is that you lived with her until your 30's. A lot of people leave at 18 and never come back, so you and your mom had more years in the same house than a lot of people I know.

[leeann]

Yes I think you are right Em, we Do need to let it out.

There are times when we all look back and say "if only I had.......".. but.. hindsight is always better isn't it?

We can't know what lies in the future... we only have today.. this day, in front of us.

We can express the emotions of shoulda, coulda, woulda.... and that I think is productive.. expressing those emotions.

BUT I have found if I stay right there in "I should have" land....... it is totally unproductive.

For me to berate myself continually over things in the past. Staying in a negative place... I can't do that.. I know that doesn't work for me.

I know it only leads to self recriminations & terrible judgement of myself. I can easily become my own worst enemy. It also isn't realistic of me to expect myself to somehow have super human knowledge or foresight. I find if I stay there.. I become the opposite of humble. And everything becomes all about ME. And real life isn't ALL about ME.

I must get myself out of that self centered place; it simply makes me so very unhappy to linger there.

Instead I must remind myself of a few essential facts:

I figure I made the choices I made at the time with the best knowledge I had at the time. Did I make mistakes? You bet.. tons of them. But if I hadn't made them.... I wouldn't have learned much.. would I?

I've learned, I can't change the past.. only how I think about it.

But I can't move on to accepting what is til I express and get out the emotions of .. maybe what I could have done differently ... if that makes any sense at all. I just can't stay there thinking that way. Yet if I bottle those emotions up.. I become trapped there, until I do. You see what I mean?

So I think it is indeed essential to express all of the emotions that well up within me. Only then can I be free to learning more and progressing thru this life's journey.

You two ought to be right proud of the expressions you both have made here.

((((Deb&EM))))

leeann

[DebFromLodi]

Thanks Leeann. You are a good friend and I always love to read the things you write.

[mlg]

EM

Your story gives a lot more insight as to what is going on in your head. You are going to drive yourself crazy if you don't take a breath and look at the situation. It was not you but your dad who made the course of his life. You gave him all the information you could and we cannot make decisisons for people even though we would like to.

My dad died of prostate cancer that probably could have been taken care of earlier if he had just told the Dr. his symptoms. He was one of these people who went in and sat on the table and when the Dr. came in he was to have a crystal ball and know exactly everything that was wrong with you. Yes, the Dr. should have been doing a yearly exam on him but that was 20 years ago and it was just starting to be common knowledge that it should be done. Some people wanted us to sue the Dr. but it was as much my dad's fault and what good would it do other than to make other peoples bills go up to pay for the law suit. I finally had to accept the fact it was my dad's choice to wait too long.

Also I really feel that we all have a date when we are going to die and there is not much we can do to change it. I think some people have a maybe date and their choices determine if they get to go to the final date or not.

When I can quit crying both about my dad and my husband and think about this sometimes it helps. I know I did everything I could for both of them but neither one of them are here now and it hurts like H---.

I had begged Tom to take better care of himself and quit smoking but until he got so sick he just thought I was being ridiculous. Too late then, but those were his choices and I can't change them as much as I tried.

Also there was a treatment that they were using for liver cancer that I really wanted them to do on him, but they said it was for primary site liver cancer only. Well, withing 2 weeks of his death they announced they were now going to use it for metastatic liver cancer also. I was devastated, but I can't change it. Some things are just meant to be, as hard as it may be to accept.

I know you are going to make it just like the rest of us. Right now is really hard on most of us because of the holidays and you have the newness of it all on top of that.

Just keep getting it all out here.

(((((()))))))