My Mom Is Gone

[ThinkSpring]

Hello all,

I came across this site yesterday when doing searches on "grief" and have been reading it up, down, left, right. I'm so glad I found it.

I lost my mom just this past Wednesday. It's eerie because 2008 has been a horrid year for many people I know. Mom was first diagnosed with extensive-stage small cell lung cancer last January. She passed away at 6:30 pm on New Year's Eve, like she wanted to keep as much "crap" in 2008 as possible.

She fought so hard all year, enduring chemo in the early months and then brain radiation just over a month before she died. We were able to enjoy a fairly "normal" summer. The end began in November when she fell on the sidewalk and broke her jaw in two places. This we learned was because the cancer had spread to her brain.

It was just horrid watching her decline and waste away to almost nothing. She was always SO strong and active and hard-working. She was from Germany, so I think that says it all about that. She was a real workhorse. She was just an amazing woman....so much wisdom and insight despite having limited schooling.

From reading this board, I know I'm in for a long haul. I am obviously in that numb early stage. I am already dreading her birthday on January 16, and of course Mothers Day will suck too, even though she hated all those "fake" holidays. Just seeing all the ads and hoopla about "Mom" will cut like a knife I'm sure.

I'm still trying to absorb the fact that I can't pick up the phone and call her. When I do call my dad, I keep thinking of what it was like to hear her answer...and the way she would always say "I love you" when we were saying goodbye. Going over to their house for the first time since she died was tough...seeing all of her things around and just her being GONE.

My dad is now alone. They would have been married 50 years next April. We have never been close, and while I have empathy for what he's going through, I also have a ton of resentment because he was actually quite mean to my brother and me in the last few days. When we would want to touch mom and talk to her he would chase us off, saying "don't wake her up" and "don't bother her." He made NO effort to learn about the dying process and how it's important to everyone to do this. I finally stood up to him on the day before she died and told him it was okay to talk to her and tell her how much we loved her. That made him angry, if you can believe that crap. I'm having a VERY hard time forgiving him for that.

When mom was first sick and in the hospital, some volunteers brought her the cutest teddy bear. He has his own little fleece jacket. She didn't want it, so I took it home. It's been a source of comfort for me this past year, and I have been sleeping with it lately. I'm 48 years old, and I have been clutching it like I'm 5.

She spent the last week and a half in a wonderful hospice facility. It truly was a home away from home. The people were so loving and caring. After she died, they dressed her in one of her pretty nightgowns and even covered her with a beautiful quilt, which went with her to the cremation place. It was hard seeing her afterwards...it hit me how the body is just really a shell. Her spirit was gone. But she did look so peaceful, and the pain and strain that had been on her face for a long time was completely gone.

I chose ThinkSpring for my name because we are having the most horrid winter here on record, and when spring comes it will be an even bigger blessing than usual...although it will cause a different kind of pain. Mom always kept a meticulous yard and garden, and it will be hard to see it go downhill.

I'm glad to have found this place and other people who know how it hurts....and I'm just beginning. I read how it often gets worse before it gets better, and that scares me, but it's good to know people are out there who understand.

[mlg]

I'm so sorry for your loss, but please don't be too hard on your dad. Each of us grieves in our own way and I am sure that he was having a hard time letting go of her. A lot of people don't read the hospice pamphlets until it is all over and then say they wish they had because it would have helped to know what was going on. It is just part of their denial stage and that could have been what was going on with your dad. He may have also felt if she was peaceful sleeping that if she woke he may have to see the sorrow or pain in her. It is so hard to know but believe me when I tell you that he probably has a hole bigger than the Grand Canyon in his heart right now. ( I lost my husband almost a year ago and it hasn't shrunk any.)

I know it is hard when you are grieving to help support someone else. I have a friend who just passed her year anniversary with her husband and her one sister just got upset with her and told her she wasn't the only one grieving. So sometimes people are trying to be strong but they are also dying inside.

Please keep coming back to us and keep holding on to that teddy bear. You may actually look up the link on here about memory bears and possibly have someone make one out of something special of your mom's.

Good luck and lots of (((((((hugs)))))))) for right now.

[emptyinside]

I'm so sorry for your loss. This board is wonderful. I myself just found it a few weeks ago. Keep clutching that teddy bear.

[Mister Shankly]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my mother 2 months ago, 2 weeks prior to her birthday. As a result, I have been left orphaned in that I have no siblings and no communication with my father. When my mother passed, I had to spread the news to her friends and some of them were downright beligerent towards me for not telling them that she was ill despite the fact that the time between her being checked into the hospital and passing away was less than 30 hours. I didn't take their words personally and don't hold any resentment towards them as nobody can predict how someone will react to such painful news. I'm not sure if it was something I read or observations I had of others passing, but I embraced a policy of tolerance when it came to the people grieving around me. They would say things and make comments some times that would cut pretty deep in an effort to connect with me but I just let them either speak briefly or I would excuse myself from conversation and head elsewhere for a brief moment. I say this because your father's reaction was his instinct and perhaps his way of coping with a loss that was overwhelming him despite the fact that it hurt you. In fact, his actions may seem selfish but they are rooted in (IMHO) fear, grief, and uncertainty of the future... and most of all, a beautiful and compassionate effort to keep your mother peaceful. Be empathetic towards that side of him and take care of him because he needs you now more than ever despite his actions... as I'm sure you need him.

As far as the future goes, the first 6-7 weeks were tolerable but now the pain has finally surfaced and my sorrow is excruciating. I visit my mother's grave often and am left sobbing like a child and can hardly breath (a 38yr old man, sobbing like a child). I know this is healthy and normal and I welcome it. My only advice to you is to let the pain flow through you when it wants to. That pain (IMHO) is the feeling of honoring your love towards your mother and shouldn't be something to be ignored or rushed through. Many people told me that my mother was in a good place when she passed. I believe this is true. But I also think that wherever my mother is, she is also grieving a bit for having to leave me. Every tear I shed honors her spirit's grief as well and I welcome every moment of it until we are both eventually at peace.

Best of luck to you and take care of yourself and your loved ones.

[AnnieO]

Thinkspring,

As I am sitting here with -20 windchill, I do indeed think about spring! I am so sorry about your mom. I saw that we are the same age, my mom died 2 years ago and my dad 1 year ago. I agree with MLG, don't be too hard on your dad. He is in pain and probably did what he thought was best. I remember when we got the call my mom was dying, I rushed to the hospital as fast as I could. My dad stopped and picked up a newspaper and brought in his breakfast. I was so furious with him, I thought "how in the world are you going to sit and read the paper and eat, while your wife dies?"...but looking back, I know now, he was in shock and so terrified. He didn't know what to do, just like your dad he didn't read anything or learn about what was happening to my mom. I had to tell him to hold her hand if I left the room. I was the only one my mom could talk to about dying.

I am glad you found this site and are reading all the posts. There are wonderful, caring people here. Keep posting. You are not alone.

[marsha]

Think Spring - I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. Mine did, and always will, have a firm place in my heart and mind. And I understand how hard it is to be helpless in the face of disease and watch your loved one suffer. But please try not to be too hard on your father. My mother died 8 years ago, from the reoccurence of her 3rd non cancerous brain tumor. The previous years my dad would take care of her himself. He wouldn't let anyone else do anything. I believe he felt it was his responsibility and love for her. People do what others would consider to be strange when their spouse is sick. He died of a massive stroke 3 weeks after she came out of the hospital for the 3rd time. She lived 4 more years. I lost my husband 6 months ago to cancer. Oh, how I understand now what both she and my father went through! I wish I could have had time to talk with them. And one more thing - After my dad died, when i went to visit, my mom and I would always hold each other close, and say I love you, to each other. And you did, too - there's nothing left unsaid. My heart goes out to you! Marsha

[Chai]

Dear ThinkSpring,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. It is very hard, and I have heard it gets harder before it gets better, too. But please, come here for support. This board is very helpful and the people insightful, as I'm sure you've caught onto from looking around.

That teddy bear sounds like a huge comfort. I am glad he is with you.

Sending love,

Chai

[ThinkSpring]

Thank you all for responding. I think at this point, on some level it almost seems like mom is only "away" for a few days, so I can see how it gets harder the longer she is gone...proof she is really gone. I hope that makes sense.

I'm on bereavement leave from work for a few more days. Returning to work will be hard. I've never liked a lot of attention, and I don't want people "gushing" over me, but I know they mean well. Luckily, I'm going back to work on Friday, so I only have to work one day and then get a weekend.

I am trying to go easy on my dad, but he has always been an extremely difficult person to be around. He is acting like this is something we need to "get over" immediately and "get back to normal." I think he is only asking for trouble for himself, emotionally. Adding to the stress is that he is a brittle diabetic, and mom always took care of him. It's dangerous for him to be alone, yet he's not open to moving to a retirement/assisted living place. Plus, while it is really early to be talking about another huge life change for him, I still feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Mister Shankly, this really hits home with me:

My only advice to you is to let the pain flow through you when it wants to. That pain (IMHO) is the feeling of honoring your love towards your mother and shouldn't be something to be ignored or rushed through. Many people told me that my mother was in a good place when she passed. I believe this is true. But I also think that wherever my mother is, she is also grieving a bit for having to leave me. Every tear I shed honors her spirit's grief as well and I welcome every moment of it until we are both eventually at peace.

Yes, I am glad she is no longer suffering. But I miss her terribly, and I know she misses me. Before she slipped into an unresponsive state, whenever I would kiss her goodbye for the night and tell her how much I loved her, I could see the pain and sadness on her face...she knew she was leaving us behind.

I'm sure I'll be leaning on people here for a while...thank you again for being out there.

[Mister Shankly]

ThinkSpring, hang in there and know that everything you feel emotionally and physically is normal. I have read two great books that have helped me tremendously and am waiting for the delivery of Marty's book. These two books are...

On Grief and Grieving by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross... this one you can read any time.

and

Grieving the Death of A Mother by Harold Ivan Smith... this book I would wait a few weeks before reading... but you may want to browse it and see if you're ready as it is one of the most emotionally cathartic books I've read so far.

One more thing, I have a small rose garden in my yard that my mother adored and in her memory I've planted a row of beautiful white orchids amongst the roses. You may want to consider something like this to remember her by if it helps you.

Take care and I wish you moments of peace during this most difficult time.

[DominicR]

Hi Thinkspring.

I lost my mom on Thanksgiving day 2008. I also am struggling with it but trying to take it day by day. I do not know your faith but two books, one I have read and one I am reading are helping.

I suggest you first read 90 Minutes in Heaven and follow that up with Glimpses of Heaven. Great books that I have found both helpful and comforting.

Best wishes!

[jackietnd1]

Hi ThinkingSpring,

I am so very sorry for your loss, I to loss my mother in 2008 on November 15th. I have been coming to this site for some

time now and never thought to come over here. I also loss my husband in 2008 in March. I so understand what you and talking about and have gotten alot of encouragement out of what you have posted. With my husband I felt like the only one,

however with Mommie it is 5 of us and she passed at home on hospice with all of us around her bedside which she wanted, we all watched her take her last breath. She had cancer for 4 years and moved to Philadelphia from Flordia in June of 2008, my brother took care of her in Flordia with his family and he thought it was time for her to be with her daughters. I am so greatful to him for what he did for her. Everyone experiences their greif differently so please try not to be to hard on your Dad, I understand him on both points as I lost my spouse also. I am truly greatful I read your post today as I am having a hard time today and you have encouraged me. Keep the Faith as I pray we all do.

Jackie

[ThinkSpring]

Jackie, I can't imagine what you are going through, losing your husband and your mom so close together. I'm touched that you found encouragement in what I posted, because I feel like I am so early in the grieving process that I can only seek support and advice and have little to offer others.

It's only been 2 1/2 weeks since my mom died. Strangely, it seems like it's been much longer. Today I went over to visit my dad for the first time since right after mom died. I almost lost it when I walked into the house because it still smells like her....like she is still there. I don't know how my dad stays there...it is so empty without her. I saw her urn for the first time since he picked up her ashes. It was very touching....he had surrounded it with all the sympathy cards he's received, and put our favorite photo of her there too, along with a small bouquet of flowers. Yesterday was her birthday....and exactly one year ago today we got her awful diagnosis (extensive small cell lung cancer). I can't believe it's been a year since she first got sick.....and all that's happened in that year....

Anyway, thank you for writing, and I do share your pain. Just in the short time since mom died I have had a few VERY bad days, and I am sure there are more to come.

Dominic, thank you so much for the book suggestions. I have just requested "Glimpses of Heaven" from our public library.

Hugs to all...

[STARKISS]

Dear Thinkspring,

At the same time frame as you are with your grief journey I could not even think straight so I am so proud of you for being able to have the courage to talk about it at this point... My mom and dad died four months again in 2005 and since than for the most part after the first three years it does get better... I went to a funeral this week and I got sad all over again but there are going to be days like that during everyones journeys but you do get to the point that you can deal with it a little better each day that you go on.. I hope this helps Shelley

[jackietnd1]

Hi ThinkingSpring,

I am so happy you went to see your Dad and what he has done with your mothers urn, I think that is very nice.

I have on my fireplace a picture of my husband and mother with 2 white candles. Sounds like you and I have something in

common as far as the time frame our love ones had cancer. My husband was re-diagnosed with cancer in July 2007 her first got cancer in the spring of 2005, and he was gone within 8 months not even one year. He too also had lung cancer first as well as my mother. Her cancer returned in her pancreac and liver, she lived after that for almost 2 years. I agree with Shelley you are doing good to have lost your mother just a couple of weeks ago. You Keep the Faith and keep coming here I know I need you and I will be here for you if I could be of any help. Just your being here helps, we are on this journey together.

Jackie

[mlg]

I'm glad you saw the more tender side of your dad. I'm also glad that it sounds like you are giving him so space but I hope now you will be able to visit him more and be able to talk and help each other. I don't remember if you said you are married or have a roommate or if you are by yourself, but remember after a number of years he is suddenly ALL ALONE and that is probably one of the worst things for the spoue left behind.

You are doing just what you are suppose to for now. Take it slow. I hope work is helping you fill part of your time.

[kissmekate]

ThinkSpring,

I just recently found this website and your thread was the first I read. I could not reply right away, had to wait for registration to go through. First of all, I am very sorry for your pain. I understand what you are going through. My mom died 12/2/08/ it is almost unbearable at times. I have a different situation with my father than you do. I felt like those first few weeks that I had to take care of him. I didn't think that I could grieve in front of him. Thought that I had to be strong for him. Talk about a role reversal, but it breaks my heart to see him without my mother. They were together for 45 years, in fact she died on their anniversary. I am now beginning to allow myself to be sad for me. I miss my mom whom I talked to almost every single day that it is at times a physical pain. It is good to know that we are not alone in this.

Take care,

Kate

[ThinkSpring]

I'm so sorry there are so many of us hurting right now...thank goodness places like this site are here.

I've been going to a hospice counselor the last couple weeks. It helps to talk to someone about it. I thought that they wouldn't be able to help with my situation with my dad, but they do help you work through "issues that get in the way of grieving your loved one." They also have a "library" where you can check books out from, so I took a couple today.

My mom died 3 weeks ago today. I honestly can't believe it has only been that long. It seems more like 3 months. Why is that? Maybe because it already seems like forever since I've seen my mom?

Everyone hang in there...

[southern eagle]

Think spring,

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 10 years ago to cancer and a 15 year battle. I am so glad that you are seeing the tender side of your dad. My dad would not admit his pain for a month, and then I saw how much Dad really missed his Juliet. Take it one day at a time and know that you are blessed to be at this sight, everyone is wonderful.

As you think about your mom's garden, remember that after a very cold winter, the colors and volume of the plants seems to go crazy. Each plant will bring back a smile to your face. I moved some of the plants from Mom's garden and put them in mine. The Queen Elizabeth bloom every years since on Mother's day morning.

Patti

[DawnG]

Hello thinkspring,

I lost my mom June 18 2007 and it was and still is by far the hardest thing I have and will ever have to deal with. I guess my advice or my opinion on grief is that when they say it gets easier with time, "they" are right, you may not think it now but WOW it really does, for me I know I will never be okay with it and I still haven't accepted it but I'm "okay" I don't cry every night and all day, I think of her every day and I still cry but it's not as intense as it use to be. My mom died of pancreatic cancer, she lived 1.5 years after her diagnosis, she was a beautifully strong woman. My heart goes out to you for the loss of your mother.

This is a great place to post your thoughts and feelings.

Dawn

[southern eagle]

Think spring,

As I reread thru this string, the thought of a victory garden came to my mind. When the spring comes mix in some of your mom's plants and some that make you think of all of the victories that she had in her life. My dad planted a garden in my back yard after mom passed and I was walked around the yard, it all came back to me. Thank you for that memory. As I cleared the leaves away, yes behind in the yard work too....I found the little white tags that dad had put next to each plant....a short description of of each happy moment in her battle against the disease. There is strength in memories 10 years later. I will have you in thoughts and prayers.

Patti