One Month Today

[David'sGirlStill]

Hi all,

It's been a month today since my precious David closed his eyes. I feel like my heart is broke and all the super glue in the world is not working. But, I had to come to work today, and I can't stop the tears from rollong down my cheeks. How do I "get over" 31 years of love in 1 month? Go on with my life? What life. He was my life.

Sorry for the whining, but I don't think I can do this. The whole world has went on but I can't.

[LarrysGirl]

You are being way too hard on yourself. You need to take the time to grieve, you couldn't possibly feel any other way after losing him just a month ago. Try to take it one day at a time and share what you are feeling with us, that will help you. Take it slow and rest. Deborah

[dpodesta]

I agree, you sound like you are expecting it all to be better in a month or so. I was only married 11 years when my wife died and it took at least a year before I started feeling better. I don't know if you arer getting this from others or not. But you will find that people in the world whoo have not loss their spouse will think you should be getting over it by now. Just remember this...each of us has our own time period for grieving, it takes time. Don't let anyone influence you into thinking that you need to do things at certain time periods, that includes going through and getting rid of or boxing up thier belongings. You do that when and only when you are ready. You can do this, there are a lot of people on this site that have been where you are today and have gotten through it. Just do it one day at a time, keep coming here and posting, it doesn't matter if it sounds like you are whinning or complaining, that is what we are here for to give each other help and an understanding ear as we go through these difficulties. This first year will be one of the worse, as you come up on the "Firsts" birthday, anniversary, holiday, etc... It will take time for it to get better, there will be times where it seems to get better and then wham! something hits you and you feel like you are at the begining again. It is all normal all of us I believe have experienced that especially during the first year. I hope some of this helps you to understand what to expect during the upcoming months, and I hope you continue to come here as this place has been a lifesaver for so many of us.

Love always

Derek

[Boo Mayhew]

My heart breaks for you. I also returned to work after one month, and it was too soon for me. I "lost it" two weeks later and had to have another 3 weeks off work. It has only been 10 weeks for me and I will admit to you that I honestly don't want to be here and want to go with him ... these are NOT suicidal thoughts at all (that would be against everything I believe in) but it is simply how I feel right now. My counsellor tells me this is perfectly normal and part of the grieving process. You are right - you have lost your heart, your life and your love of your life. Time apparently teaches you to live with this. Please be gentle with yourself and don't push yourself too hard. Accept help from family and friends and colleagues whenever they offer. Don't be proud at the moment. I have just read "Companion through the Darkness" and it is probably the book that will make the most difference in my life (and I read a LOT) - I feel as though it has given me the permission to grieve as deeply as I want and need to, and it has confirmed that my feelings and emotions are perfectly normal ... I'd recommend that you read it too - you can buy it on Amazon. Please keep posting and let us know how you are. We all need each other on here!

x

[David'sGirlStill]

Thank you all so very much. No I don't feel i should be over him. I don't think I will evr NOR do I want to "be over him" It justs my boss and coworkers and as much as I hate to admit some family and so called friends. Think i should not still be crying on an hourly basis. i still haven't slept in our bed. I've been sleeping in our chair. That's where we slept a lot of nights when he was not able to breathe well from the ascites.

"I will admit to you that I honestly don't want to be here and want to go with him ... these are NOT suicidal thoughts at all (that would be against everything I believe in) " That is sooo me. i was suppose to go to a healing workshop on Saturday and I just couldn't do it. The phone rang off the hook. I don't understand what the world is finding so hard to grasp. we fought through the Cirrhois for 3 years, got accepted on the transplant list, his labs were all stable. ( We were winning) He goes to the hospital Thursday for low sodium and Monday he's gone for sepsis. And I'm suppose to acccept this. "Realize he doesn't want you sad" I want to scream You idiots he knew I'd be just like this.

Thank you all for listening and most of all for understanding.

[LarrysGirl]

I have to add that when I just read your last sentence, I have screamed exactly the same thing and I'm sure I posted it somewhere on this site. It drove me up a wall (and still does) when people say he wouldn't want you to be this upset????? Like you, I reply "he new I would be devasted and lost" of course "he" understands, no one else seemed to. You are not alone, Deborah

[dpodesta]

The thing to keep in mind with people who have said these things don't understand. They haven't lost their spouse so they don't know. Some of them may have lost their parents or someone close and while there are similarities there are a lot of differences as well. They are trying to help as best they can and don't realize that what they say hurts. Just like when my wife and I had our second miscarraige the things that people said hurt to the core, they didn't realize that what they were saying was hurting they thought they were trying to help us feel better. I learned pretty quickly after Karen died to let those things go in one ear and out the other. I had enough pain to deal with without getting pi**ed at what people were saying.

Love always

Derek

[marsha]

I agree with the rest of these wonderful folks, but would like to add that you need to do whatever you want. If that means not sleeping in your bed, that's ok. If you need to cry, that's ok, too. I had to go back work 2 days after Joe died; I was probably on autopilot during the day, then I would come home and lose it. I got lots of "advice", too, and only now, looking back, do I realize that I felt so lost I was listening to everybody. We (all of us on this site) had never been through this before - no guidelines, no boundaries, what to do? I did a lot of reading, sought counseling, started a journal and poured my heart out. It helped, very gradually, though. The only thing you need to do right now is be gentle on yourself - treat yourself like you have a wound that's going to have to heal, and that's exactly what it is, except it's on the inside. And, please, come here and talk. Peace, Marsha

[NotCoping]

I've heard the "He wouldn't want you to be so sad" so much that I finally blurted out "Well, I didn't want him dead - we don't always get what we want, do we?" I didn't think before I said it, so now I'm the leper. I still cry every day, several times a day at almost four months and I don't see an end to it in sight. At one month, how could you not be crying all the time? I think one thing that happens during this process (and I'm not sure about it) is that you end up caring less about what people think than you did before. They aren't living this Hell, we are.

[kayc]

I STILL sleep in the recliner and it's been almost four years, somehow an empty bed is just a harsh reminder. I went back to work after two weeks but I was fortunate that someone at work had been through the grieving process and had appraised everyone of what to expect and the best way to help me through this, before I got back to work, that really helped...they all already knew that if I burst into tears it was normal and to just pick up the phone for me, put an arm around me, just care and be there. They were all super wonderful...it was hard when I lost that job because it was like a family to me.

I know we have to work to pay the bills and it's hard when people don't understand what you're going through. Please come on line here any time and you will find people who understand. We've been through it.

[jackietnd1]

HI DAVIDSGIRLSTILL,

MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU, AS I REMEMBER THE 1ST MONTH AFTER MY HUSBAND WENT HOME.

HOW DIFFICULT A TIME I HAD, I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL COULD NOT WORK, I AM JUST LOOKING FOR

WORK NOW AND IT HAS BEEN ONE YEAR FOR MY HUSBAND AND 4 MONTHS FOR MY MOTHER.

I UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS AND YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL WHATEVER IT IS YOU ARE FEELING.

I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS AS WE ALL GO THROUGH THIS THING CALLED GRIEF.

KEEPING THE FAITH

JACKIE

[mrspapajohn]

David's Girl - - - I lost my love, my husband, my life, a little over two months ago and I still cry every day - - several times a day in fact. It was just last week that I could bring myself to talk to some one. I even dreaded going to the supermarket because I did not want to speak with the cashier. My heart breaks for you and for all the rest of us that are going through this terrible part of our lives. On my first anniversary without Stephen, I flew to Ft. Worth to spend it with him. Like you, I just wanted to lay beside him and stay there. I cried so much I could hardly find my way to my hotel. I can't give you any words that will make you feel better, because I don't believe there are any. Just please keep coming back to this site. The people here become closer than your family because they have all gone through (and mostly are still going through) this raw, black hole of pain. They let you know that you are not alone and that you are not crazy. Life may go on for most people, but right now, not for us. Maybe someday.

[WendyJ]

David'sGirlStill,

You say you feel like your heart is broken and that is because it is and all the crazy glue in the world can't repair it and not one person in this world can take the pain away. The only thing that helps is time, time to heal and time to mend your broken heart enough to go on. I was married to my husband 28 years when I lost him and together for 34 years and he was my whole world, I never lived alone, I never dated other than him so I know what people mean when they say they are lost, I most certainly am. You are going to cry in public, you are going to cry in work, you are going to cry so hysterically at times that you can no longer see and wonder how you will go on etc. and you can not avoid it no matter how much time you wait before you return to work. I used to cry hysterically every day on my way home from work because I could not bear going home to an empty house, yet there was no place else I wanted to be. I no longer do that on a daily basis, but still do cry alot when I get in bed at night and just the other day I heard a song in Michael's store that my daughter used in a tribute video for him and I really broke down. People are going to say things that may seem hurtful to you, but they don't mean to, they really don't know what to say unless they too have experienced what we are going through. I really doubt the majority of people out there would intentionally say something hurtful to someone who has lost a loved one, they just know they need to say something but just not sure what. I also remember thinking the same thing about the world moving on, you see people laughing and smiling and you see families together and you think how can they be so happy when someone so wonderful and loving just died, don't they know who he was? Like me my friend you were together with your husband a lifetime and you can not get over that in a month or a year or in my instance 2 years, you just learn how to somehow go on without them physically here but know their memory will always be alive in your heart and there they will always be warm and safe and nobody can take that away from you.

Love Always,

Wendy

[teny]

Wendy every word you say could deskribe my feelings also. IM sorry for every new friend here but it has been 28 months for me and only one night I slept without the help of pills.Some days are getting easier but others are desperate.Im reading a book title < thats not the life I orderd> I know that any of us could even imagine some years ago what is like to loose your one and only love.Im trying to make sence God gave life God took it back but I wish HE could answer my prayers.Lovew from far away TENY

[David'sGirlStill]

Hi all

I thank you all so very much for your kind words. At least I know I only have a broken heart I'm not tottally crazy. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you that is living this nightmare. I sit here at work, desperately needing my job for financial reasons, and I can't focus on anything except I miss My David. This is all so unfair, I know life's not fair but.... I can't get through the day let alone plan a life without him.

Again, thank you all so very much

[WendyJ]

Nope you are not crazy, and if they say you are..then so are we. I know what you mean about needing your job, but not being able to focus, the fact that I am at work and responded to you so quickly should tell you how much I focus and I have a company to run! LOL No seriously I am in the beginning of my 3rd year now and I email too much at work, and stare out the window too much and my mind wanders too much which makes it very hard to focus, but I am getting better and you will too..in time. That is all you have to remember right now...you need time and you take all the time you need and if people don't like it, oh well they can just deal with it because that is the way it is going to be. Listen to what your body and your mind tell you as far as needing sleep or anything else also, you do what you need to do to get back on your feet again and whatever you do keep coming here as we are here for you !

Love Always,

Wendy

[Boo Mayhew]

Hey Phyllis

you don't need to plan your "new" life yet. All you have to do is take each day as it comes. I was very proud of myself last night because I managed to read my gas and electric meters so that I can have accurate invoices, and had never had to do that before. Cliff's friends were laughing at me because they had to show me where the meters were!!!!

You have made some progress ... you have gone from living 5 minutes at a time, to living one day at a time. So have I. I hope your work colleagues are being supportive. Mine are still not giving me my usual full workload yet and they also give me Fridays off so that I can go to counselling. I also have to bring in my home financial paperwork to work and get help from friends here because I can't face doing it on my own and get confused (neurons are simply not firing properly yet and guess they won't be for sometime).

Please be kind to yourself and don't push yourself too far too fast ... I did initially and it doesn't help you.

Boo

x

Hi all

I thank you all so very much for your kind words. At least I know I only have a broken heart I'm not tottally crazy. My heart goes out to each and everyone of you that is living this nightmare. I sit here at work, desperately needing my job for financial reasons, and I can't focus on anything except I miss My David. This is all so unfair, I know life's not fair but.... I can't get through the day let alone plan a life without him.

Again, thank you all so very much