Need Help.

[NotCoping]

I am feeling very alone right now. For one thing, I've not been able to shrug off a lot of things that make me upset. For example, when people don't email or call or come by (as has been the case for a while now), eventually something triggers me and I send an email and go off on them. I do it almost blindly as if I'm in a rage. For another thing, I'm scared about making this trip. I'm afraid of the emotions - maybe even some more unknown - that may show up. I've felt things in these last months that I didn't even know I could feel. I remember one night I scared both myself and my dog because I was crying so insanely that it felt like I would just die - like something that was coming from deep inside my spirit or some unknown place.

Has that happened to anyone else? I mean experiencing something you've never felt before? I've cried deeply and for a long time before, but this was something else. I'm having a hard time even explaining it.

[kayc]

You are responding with your emotions, which sometimes we need to guard. Emails are all too easy to send off without thinking, maybe you could set it to send at a future time and you could go back and re-read it every day until it sends...that would give you time to change your mind if you realize it was written out of emotion that wasn't thoroughly thought out. Or instead of emailing, you could write a letter and hold onto it for a week before sending. It would be really good if you could get someone to make the trip with you so you wouldn't be alone in it.

[NotCoping]

Thanks, Those are some very good suggestions. I sure wish I could find someone to go with me, but so far, no one can take that much time off work.

[LarrysGirl]

I can totally relate and if you ever could read when I first came here you would see that I went thru every emotion from one extreme to the other. During my grief I've experienced feelings I've never felt in my life. Rage and anger would overcome me, at the doctors, the staff, all the stupid things people said to me... you name it, I would feel angry! The flip side was sadness so intense I felt close to hysterical. Unfortunately people will let you down and its really really hard to deal with. Maybe you could write your feelings here and get some of that out of your system. Listen, I still have trouble dealing with those types of things. I know you feel alone and I hope you will get to know this site is full of really caring people who will try and support you. Its a great family who know exactly how you feel. Deborah

[mlg]

There are so many posts from day to day that sometimes I can't remember who said what, but I think you said that you wanted to make this trip to spread your husband's ashes by yourself except for the dog. In your state of emotions right now do you really think that is a good idea? Is it really safe to be driving when your mind is so set on other things? You have to remember it is not just you on the road and if there is someone else doing the same thing, talking on the phone, texting (in other words not really paying attention to their driving) things could become tragic. Remember you will be going through lots of curves in the mountains. Are you sure there isn't someone who could go with you. Even if they didn't go when you actually release the ashes. Just someone to keep you company.

As far as people not calling or emailing - join the group. I know there are many of us. Sometimes if they do say something I can tell they really don't want to know so I just ask if they want to know what they want to hear or the truth. Usually they don't respond so it pretty well tells you that they don't really want to know the HELL you are going through. The people on this website and the ones in my grief support are pretty much the only ones I can be honest with.

Take care of yourself , please.

[mrspapajohn]

notcoping - - Let's take some of these things one at a time.

1. You're afraid of going on this trip alone? I don't blame you for that. I just rented a car and drove around ft. Worth in a panic for one day with uncontrolled tears running down my cheeks. It's a wonder I didn't kill myself or somebody else - - AND - - -that's not being alone on the road for five days, with a dog that has also been part of your husband's life, fending off other memories (good and bad) and knowing that at the end of the road, your destination will be final goodbye.

2. Why are you not listening to some of the people on this site who are telling you that it's too soon. That you're not ready. These are people (as am I) who have gone through and are still going through what you are. You may beieve that your situation is different, but it's not. Yes, there have been times that the sorrow was so great (and many times still is) that my crying got hysterical and I felt like the skin on my body was opening and I was turning inside out. How do you think you will feel when you let your husbands ashes go? I did that for my mother and it almost killed me. And I wasn't alone. I can't even begin to imagine how I would feel if it were my husband. I know I couldn't do it.

3. This deadline is an artificial one. If this day has special meaning, keep it special by staying home and making a shrine of your beloved. Turn off the phone AND the computer. Don't answer the door. Let that day be just yours and his. Talk to him. Cry with him. Tell him every slight and omission that you've endured. Tell him how afraid you are to go on without him. Tell him how much you love him and how much you always will. Tell him you're having financial problems and have to find a job. Tell him that you will go spread his ashes when you get everything under control. Maybe next year, or even sooner than that, but explain that there are things that he would want you to take care of first. Tell him that without him, you must be the adult and that waiting is the adult thing to do. Then put off all thoughts and pressures of leaving (they are only your thoughts and pressures) and make a plan for how you and your dog are going to survive.. What do you have to do to get through April and May? Where will you live? Where will you get money? Who will help you? What can you do yourself and where do you need help? Where will you settle, at least temporarily. You have to have a place of your own to grieve and to heal. Where will you find a job? You have to do these thimgs FIRST.

BOTTOM LINE: Do not go. Not now. Honor your beloved in another way until everything is settled and you're ready. He would want you to be responsible and he will wait, as long as it takes. He will always wait for you. He loves you.

Kathy

[jackietnd1]

NOT COPING,

I HAVE HAD THAT HAPPEN TO ME, I CRIED FOR SUCH A LONG TIME AND IT FELT AS IF THE TEAR WERE COMING FROM

MY TOES. I BELEIVE THAT WAS PART OF MY GRIEF, I WAS LETTING SOMETHING GO. IT IS A PROCESS AND I HAD TO LEARN TO TRUST THE PROCESS.

KEEP THE FAITH

MUCH LOVE AND PRAYERS

JACKIE

[Boo Mayhew]

NotCoping

Yes, I have cried so hard that I think I am going to go over some kind of border/barrier ... something intangible - and I would describe it as animal or primal instinct/feelings. It is frightening because it is fear of the unknown. You have never cried that hard before, you have never felt like this before, you feel alone and scared. You question if you are going to lose your sanity. You wonder if you will ever stop crying. What frightens me is I don't give a sh1t these days and that is not in my normal style! But after a good session of this, there is a sense of release and you've learned a little more, you've got a bit more "out".

Yes, people have let me down. The problem is that they don't understand how fixated we are on our plans. I find it hard enough to figure out what I am going to do from day to day. It takes effort and energy to do this. So when you invest the little energy you have and manage to focus your mind for long enough to so, then gain commitment from someone to help you perhaps, and they let you down, THIS IS A HUGE DEAL TO YOU/US and a tiny deal to them. I have explained this to the two friends who help me the most, and found that the GUILT FACTOR WORKS BETTER THAN SOUNDING OFF AT THEM ;-) As for the others, I just think, oh well, they don't know and how can they know? It's that simple to me, THEY DON'T KNOW. I am being very mercenary with my feelings on this and with them, but it's the real friends that matter, not the surplus ones.

My one question to you is, who is "driving/deciding" the date and the arrangements? Is it because you promised him when you were talking to him out loud, or before he died? Or did you just decide and feel that you will have failed if you don't do it? ... if there is one thing that I have learned so far, it is this. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle to yourself. Don't push yourself too hard or you can go backwards, and lose even more confidence. Start small. I have accomplished some tiny tiny things, such as: reading my gas and electric meters, dealing with a couple of bills. And am VERY proud of myself, and proudly told anyone who would listen that I had done these things. When I went to get a new car, I thought, jeez I am not thinking straight, who do I know that has the skills I need for this mission? The answer was: one of my Managers at work who is really analytical. He actually spoke on the phone for 20 minutes to the salesman and the finance guy at the car dealership while I sat there like a child, mute!!! It was like having my Dad on the phone. Did I care? No! I calmly told them that I would speak to my manager when I got home, and then call them with my decision and walked out of there as if it were normal. Their reaction was one that is alien to them too ... they said I must be well thought of at work and they are still treating me like a child which I don't mind because it is with the best intentions.

What I am trying to convey to you is that if you must go, why? Answer this objectively. Then if you still must go because of logistical reasons, ensure you take a sat-nav (tom-tom) with you so that you are calm. If you don't have one, ask someone to loan you theirs. It's good to take your dog. Could you fly there? It may be cheaper? It may be that it would take less time than driving which might mean someone could come with you. Explore all the avenues.

I can promise you this ... if there is not a solid reason for this trip NOW, he will understand if you delay it. He wouldn't have put you under this pressure, alone, frightened when he was alive, and therefore he would not want you to put yourself under this pressure unnecessarily. Another thing: if you have told people that you are going and therefore don't want to back out and admit "defeat", don't worry about that either. It takes a stronger bigger person to admit that they are not ready and you should be proud of that too. They won't think any less of you, that's for sure.

My heart is with you ... I wish I were closer as I would come with you myself

Let us know how you get on, and what you decide to do.

[NotCoping]

I have debated and debated the trip and I've come to some conclusions.

First, I have driven it twice before (only all the way to CA), but I know this time will be different.

Secondly, I took a trial run at driving distance in February. I drove six hours each way to a friend's house. I found that the need for concentration took my mind somewhat off of the overwhelming grief, but I was tired and I did break down into tears once at a rest area.

Third, it's not a special day for us, but our special days are all in the cold months, and I definitely don't want to drive in snow even though I used to live in the mountains and became used to it then.

Other things I toss back and forth is that getting away from the house may actually be good for me. Five nights in Taos and another few with my brother-in-law may help me gain some perspective. Who knows, I may move there although my potential jobs if I want to stay in the industry are more likely to be found here. I've already got a lead on finishing a documentary when I'm ready.

Lastly, I've rented a place with no refund. If I were to cancel, it certainly wouldn't be because others have made plans to meet me there because I'm not hearing anything about who or who won't be there. His family doesn't really communicate with me although I've given them all of the dates, etc. I actually told my husband that would happen; he didn't believe me, and of course, I've sounded off about it, so that made it worse communication purposes. I never mattered to them anyway. I wonder if he knows now.

I suppose my main focus for the next week and a half is to try to get myself in a better frame of mind and to eat better, take my vitamins, etc. I've scheduled a massage when I get to Taos because that's what my husband was going to get for my birthday; he would be so happy to know I've done that.

I'm off to the vet - just another stressor - my dog hates it.

[leeann]

Mel (((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))

Call me nuts and tell me to butt out since I haven't lost a spouse... and skip reading this if you want.. BUT here's my lowly 2 cents... if they are even worth that.

I think.. you will be pleasantly surprised at how well you do on this trip. You have been very smart about it... even doing some trial runs as far as driving some distance etc. You are expressing your grief and emotions. I think MAYbe those expressions have frightened you a bit.. But tell me something... after you blow your nose and calm back down a bit... aren't you still Mel?

Crying doesn't change that... wailing doesn't change that... screaming doesn't change that. You are still you in there.

And haven't you survived other very difficult things in your life? I see no reason why you won't be able to accomplish the goals you have set for yourself.

Courage??? I learned a great definition of that word years ago and I'll share it with you:

Courage is doing something while being scared. Doing it DESPITE the fear. That's courage.

And haven't you done other things in your life when you were afraid? I'll bet you have.

Think about it...

You are preparing yourself in many very good ways for this trip.

Your everloving will be WITH you the entire way as he is right now within you.

You will have your beloved pup along and you will be doing something you want so very much to do and something your husband really wanted and would be so very pleased with.

Your hub never abandoned you before... so I doubt he will now. He'll be with you every single mile.

Think about how you will feel when you reach Taos and accomplish what you have planned to do. Keep your eyes, heart and mind on that prize. Visualize it and it will happen.

If things crop up unexpectedly on your trip... (as that happens at times to all of us) you'll just deal with it as you have dealt with so many things in your life.

Have some confidence in your own abilities and in your capacity to love. Because in my humble opinion... LOVE is what is driving you to do this. And you know.. you can love... greatly.

So lift that chin up and know... you will be far from alone on this trip. Your hub will be there.. your pup and of course us... we'll be with you too.

So yes.. continue to prepare yourself (good ideas about the vitamins and eating well... get some good sleep as well) and your dog and have someone give the car a once over too for you. (Just check your fluids and tire pressures.. windshield washer fluid etc....)

Just visualize your goal and DON'T worry if you cry.... I'd be more worried about you if you weren't.

(((((((((((((((((Mel)))))))))))))))))

leeann

[kayc]

Mel,

You are the only one who can decide if you're ready to do this or not. If you do decide to go through with it then listen to Leanne's pep talk and go for it. Just do it right...if you cry, pull over. If you get halfway and can't make it, call a couple to come get you and drive your car home. (I know, that would be last resort, but I'm talking about if you're really wigged out). Try to get plenty of sleep before starting your trip. Bring healthy snacks. Listen to the radio or CDs, nothing to make you cry. Concentrate on the positive focus of this trip. Try not to let his family bring you down. Yes I think our loved one knows what's going on and I think he's rooting for you! If you decide you cannot do this, do not worry about his family and canceled reservations, do what you need to do in your own best interest, they'll live.

We're all here behind you!

Love,

kay

[Boo Mayhew]

I agree with Kay. I think I was fearing FOR you!!!! And only you know what you can do, and only you can make this decision. I loved what Leeann wrote actually and it inspired me to do stuff too!!!!!!

NotCoping, just wanted to say again, that my heart will be with you and I hope that you are EXTREMELY proud of yourself when you do this xxx