I Can't Handle This Pain

[LostnEmpty]

I came home today from my first day back at work. It is so painful because everything there reminds me of Marc and we were always together there. But now its just me all alone- nothing feels right without him. I still can't believe he is gone and it continues to hit me and I cry hysterically to the point where i am gagging. I can't stop it. Why can't i be with Marc, why do I have to live and suffer? All I want is to just join Marc- I don't want to be here without him but I know I have our baby inside me and so I can't give into those thoughts. Its just so hard because thats all I think about. I continue to fall apart and I am so afraid of everything anymore. I just want these feelings of eternal pain to go away because I can't handle them anymore. I don't know what to do.

[kayc]

You survived another first, and it's all steps through the grieving process...your first day back at work without him. That is a huge hurdle, and you'd have to expect it to be hard for some time. I wish I could take your pain away, but I can't even be rid of my own. Please know our thoughts are with you. I think we'd all like to circumvent this whole painful process, but that's not ours to choose. Keep focusing on that baby, do you know what it will be yet and when is your due date?

Love,

Kay

[MartyT]

And Talia, I know this sounds ridiculous, but when the pain and sobbing let up a bit, simply remember to breathe. That little one inside you needs that precious oxygen, and so do you. When you find yourself unable to focus on anything else, just focus on your breath. Sit or lie down, find a comfortable position, breathe in as deeply as you can through your nose, hold it for a moment, and exhale s-l-o-w-l-y through your mouth. Do this at least ten times in a row. This simple exercise is a marvelous way to nourish yourself and help bring your body back into a healthy balance. It's good for you, and good for your baby too.

[LarrysGirl]

Talia, I know it hurts terribly. It is going to be very hard, there isn't any other way to go thru this. Like Marty said, breathe, rest, take things slowly. You need to rest, your body needs time to adjust. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this horrible loss. Deborah

[mlg]

Talia

I know it hurts like H_ _ _ , but for some reason it is something everyone here has to go through. Remember to just take baby steps at first. Anyone who expects more, you need to ignore for now. I don't know if you have access to a Wii fit or not but there is a relaxation exercise on there where you just breathe and focus on a candle. I have found it really helps me relax in the evening so if you can get your hands on it or rent from a video store it may be worth it.

Just take care of yourself and that baby and there is nothing wrong with crying. It's better than blowing a gasket because you didn't let it out.

Keep coming back and releasing it here.

[Boo Mayhew]

Talia

my counsellor told me that it is perfectly normal to feel like you want to be with him, so please don't feel like you are losing your sanity or anything like that because you are not, it's only natural that you will have these strong feelings.

I know I did and still do at times. But it's like a passive thing. I wanted it to happen TO me magically, rather than me do anything to make it happen. As you say, you have your baby to look after. But don't feel bad about having the feelings okay?

I really liked the suggestion about the Wii Fit meditating with a candle and might treat myself to that - it sounds good. Let us know if you try that because I'd be interested to know it it helps you.

Sending you love

x

[LostnEmpty]

Kay,

Marc and I found out that were are having a girl just 2 weeks before his death. He was so happy and thats what we were both hoping for. The ultrasound tech did say he was only 90% sure. I'm scared of that 10% chance that it could be a boy- I would be so upset to find that out because Marc died with the idea that he was having a baby girl. We already had a name picked out. Its Tabitha Ariel. Her first name I picked out and Marc picked out her middle name even though he tried to get me to pick it out I had told him i wanted him to do it since I chose her first name. It was important to me that he at least pick out her middle name. I hope so bad that the tech was right, i just couldn't handle it if I find out otherwise especially since we hadn't decided on a boy name just in case which we were going to do but that never happened.

[LostnEmpty]

Boo,

My therapist told me it will take half the time that I was with Marc in order to get over or move on from his death but i don't think she is right. Even though I only knew him for just over a year and a half I don't know if that will ever happen. I don't want to feel like this any longer especially when I give birth to his baby, I can't be like this for her sake. I don't want her to end up being sad or depressed like me.

You said you still have some of the feelings I described in my post, if you don't mind me asking how long has it been since your love past away? i can't try the Wii fit thing because i don't have a wii but i will try the breathing thing that Marty sugggested the next time I feel a painic attack. Thanks to everyone.

[MartyT]

Talia, dear, see also the links mentioned in this post: Panic Attack?

[WendyJ]

Talia even though we have been talking privately I wanted to respond to what your therapist told you about it taking half the time you were together to get over Marc...dear goodness what are they thinking ? First of all we never get over losing them, we just learn to accept it and continue on without them here physically but just keeping them in our hearts. Second of all if that were the case and I was with Steve a total of dating and married 36 years does that mean it will take me a total of 18 years to get over him? Now something does not sound right there to me, do you agree ?

Love Always,

Wendy

[kayc]

Talia,

I totally don't agree with your therapist, not even as a rule of thumb. There are too many variables involved to set a period of time...how we personally handle things, how deep the relationship was, how intertwined our lives were, how long we were together, etc., etc. And I don't think we EVER "get over" them, we just learn to continue on and deal with it, what else can we do? Grief does change form, and the intensity lessens somewhat with time, perhaps that is what she means, but even so, you can't say a year or 20 years, it's too individual.

If you have a son, Marc would love him no less...as to the name dilemma, if it's a boy, name him after Marc! Maybe even keep the middle name he chose only with a unique spelling, there are so many unisex names nowadays and if the boy doesn't like it he can use his middle initial. Very few people have heard my middle name.

[LostnEmpty]

Talia even though we have been talking privately I wanted to respond to what your therapist told you about it taking half the time you were together to get over Marc...dear goodness what are they thinking ? First of all we never get over losing them, we just learn to accept it and continue on without them here physically but just keeping them in our hearts. Second of all if that were the case and I was with Steve a total of dating and married 36 years does that mean it will take me a total of 18 years to get over him? Now something does not sound right there to me, do you agree ?

Love Always,

Wendy

Wendy I do agree with you. When my therapist told me that it would take half the time I was with Marc, it just didn't sound right to me. I know I will never get over the fact he is dead and I will never see him again and I will always be in pain because he know longer has a life to live with me and our baby. I've been thinking about not going to therapy anymore because this is the second therapist I have tried and i just don't see the point in it.

[kayc]

Talia,

I didn't hit it off with my grief counselor either, and I got more from this forum than anything else. I do know they vary quite a lot and some are better equipped to help us than others. I wouldn't stay with one that didn't seem right to me, maybe call a different one. No way can "1/2 the time together" be a rule of thumb...

[MartyT]

Talia, dear ~ when you see a counselor or therapist for matters related to grief, it's important to know whether the counselor / therapist has any background, training and experience in bereavement. This is like seeing any other health care provider; some are generalists and some are specialists. Not all counselors and therapists are knowledgeable about and specifically trained in bereavement counseling and grief therapy. It's okay to ask whether your counselor / therapist is certified in this particular area of expertise, just as you would ask a surgeon what his specialty is before you let him (or her) operate on you.

You may find the following discussion helpful. Be sure to follow all the links you'll find in this thread, too: Can anyone tell me if therapy helps?

[timeless]

I came home today from my first day back at work. It is so painful because everything there reminds me of Marc and we were always together there. But now its just me all alone- nothing feels right without him. I still can't believe he is gone and it continues to hit me and I cry hysterically to the point where i am gagging. I can't stop it. Why can't i be with Marc, why do I have to live and suffer? All I want is to just join Marc- I don't want to be here without him but I know I have our baby inside me and so I can't give into those thoughts. Its just so hard because thats all I think about. I continue to fall apart and I am so afraid of everything anymore. I just want these feelings of eternal pain to go away because I can't handle them anymore. I don't know what to do.

Talia,

Just reading your post set me off on another crying episode. I lost the love of my life only two weeks ago, after a year of painfully struggling with cancer. We were together almost 28 years. Yesterday was my first day back to work without him. He left me a note to read after he died. It says, "When you leave for work in the morning and tell me you will see me later, I will still tell you "I'll be here." When you get home from work and tell me hi sweetie, I will still tell you "Made it, huh?"" It nearly killed me to come home yesterday and not see him sitting on the couch and saying that. We have a 10 year old son, but that doesn't make the pain any less. I know you are expecting your love's baby. My son is not biological. I envy you that little piece of him. Charish that child, for she will always be a part of the man you loved.

I know it's cliche to say that I understand how you feel, but I could not have expressed my feelings any better than you did. I don't want to be here without him. I can't stop crying. I am afraid of everything. Chris was the guiding factor in our lives. He always knew what to do, where we were headed, etc. I am so very LOST without him! I can't offer words of comfort, for my pain is too new, but I can empathize.

timeless

[Boo Mayhew]

Lost n Empty

I am nervous about saying that what your counsellor said sounds strange, because I am not qualified to comment. But to me, it sounds weird. Perhaps you can ask Marty. My Cliff died almost 4 months ago. But we all go along this journey at different speeds and in different ways. If you read "Companion through the Darkness" you will be relieved to hear that her little baby girl was a light at the end of the proverbial tunnel for her, even though she was still grieving for her husband. I think I mentioned that her husband died of a heart attack when she was pregnant? Here is a link to the book so you can read some excerpts:

http://browseinside.harpercollins.com/inde...3=9780060969745

I think your journey will be different to mine because you are carrying his baby. I know that she will bring you joy and happiness. Please don't try to rush through this thing out of guilt in case you "infect" your baby with sorrow, because babies are smarter than we give them credit for. You need to heal at your own rate in your own way so that you can be the Mom you dream of being. And you will. I know you will.

Definitely do the breathing techniques Marty sent you. Sounds like it'll be good for you and your little one.

And I have just looked up the name Ariel for you. Read this!!!!

http://www.geocities.com/edgarbook/names/az/ariel.html

It's quite often a feminine name, but was TRADITIONALLY a masculine name. So, whether you have a boy or a girl, the name that Marc chose for your child will "fit" either. I hope that doesn't sound too flippant because that's not the way I intended it.

xxxx

Boo,

My therapist told me it will take half the time that I was with Marc in order to get over or move on from his death but i don't think she is right. Even though I only knew him for just over a year and a half I don't know if that will ever happen. I don't want to feel like this any longer especially when I give birth to his baby, I can't be like this for her sake. I don't want her to end up being sad or depressed like me.

You said you still have some of the feelings I described in my post, if you don't mind me asking how long has it been since your love past away? i can't try the Wii fit thing because i don't have a wii but i will try the breathing thing that Marty sugggested the next time I feel a painic attack. Thanks to everyone.