Very Wobbly

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi my friends

I'm really struggling right now. I think I know why, apart from the fact that I miss Cliff so so much, there are other factors:

1. My best friend is in Thailand for 3 weeks, so my "security blanket" is away

2. My auntie has been put in a care home (she is almost 90) and she is miles away, and she is also my godmother, so feel sad because I think she may be on her way out.

3. My birthday is on the 4th May and I am DREADING it. After my Mom, then my Dad died, the next birthday was awful. Cliff held me for 4 or 5 hours. We just stood there while I cried it out of me till I was exhausted ... and now it's going to be even worse, but no one will hold me for that long like he did. No one will ever look after me or love me like he did. And I don't want them to either. Because they are not him.

4. My sister said that she would arrange with my nephew and niece for us to spend my birthday together. This morning I got an email from her asking what I was doing on the day. WHAT?????? I told her that I thought she was sorting something out, so we'll see. I hope she does.

5. My neighbour has a drink problem. She is 36 and they had to get an ambulance for her on Friday because she hadn't eaten for 3 weeks. She's now incontinent and her kidneys and liver are very very bad. They had to give her 5 pints of blood and she didn't even recognize her husband. It's heartbreaking. So of course I insisted on driving Paul and their daughters to the hospital because he was distressed and shouldn't drive like that. I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS IN THE SAME WARD THAT CLIFF DIED IN. OMG, when they went into the isolation room on the ward that Peggy is in ... I started shaking, really shaking, so that it was visible to other people. So much so, that a nurse asked me if I was ok. I told her that I hadn't eaten and would get a Mars Bar because I couldn't tell her the truth because I had to keep it together so that I could drive home. I've now realized that she probably thought I had a drink problem too. LOL. That evening I felt so ill and had to go to bed early, but woke up feeling okay physically. It's left me feeling shaken up though.

6. It's almost been 4 months. I still don't want to be here and I still want to be with him BUT am learning how to function whilst feeling this way. But it hurts so much ... too much.

xx

[David'sGirlStill]

Hi my friend,

I am so sorry you are having an especially hard time right now. I wish I had the words to make it all better, but Lord knows I don't. Please call your sister and make sure she didn't have a lapse of memory and forget your plans. I believe Cliff is right there and will spend the day with you but I think you need some concrete plans for the day. I wish I was lived near you.I am so proud of you that you were able to walk in the hospital, let alone the ward. I had to pick up my husband xrays from the hospital he passed in and lost it walking through the door. What a shame she's so young and has so much to live for.

I know what you mean about learning to function BUT not wanting to. I did yard work this weekend ONLY because I know David wanted me to. My neighbors must think I'm crazy, weeding with tears rolling down my face.

We'll be your security blanket while your BF is away.

Hang in there.

Love,

Phyllis

[Boo Mayhew]

Hey Phyllis

thanks for what you wrote - it helps me. I have emailed my sister ... I know she didn't do it on purpose. I wish we all lived near each other - it'd be lovely to all get together one evening a week and have a laugh, but it's a long way to come for a coffee or a glass of wine

Well done for doing some weeding ... I need to weed where our Rottweiler (Hammer) is buried because it's all overgrown ... I'd like to grow some sweetpeas there because they smell so lovely. But I am so terrified of spiders that Cliff always did that stuff. I'd like to find a ghostbusters style space suit that's hermetically sealed so that they can't get on me

thanks

xxxx

[leeann]

I did yard work this weekend ONLY because I know David wanted me to. My neighbors must think I'm crazy, weeding with tears rolling down my face.

I know my losses are different but I must say thanks for sharing that Phyllis. And here I thought I was the only one crying while doing yardwork this weekend..... so thanks..

Hey Boo.... I'm NOT too wild about spiders either.... But I had an idea... maybe you could "spray" the zone (Hammer's area) you want to work on first & wait a bit...so any spiders in that area will not be around when you are working??? Just a thought. (A thought that any fellow disliker of spiders would have... probably..... hopefully... Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

Thanks Ladies

leeann

[kayc]

Boo,

The first time (or more) back to the hospital is really hard, and to have to do it that soon, no wonder you were shaken! I remember all too well having to go back there and I couldn't stop my eyes from continually watering!

I'm glad you made it through and am glad you were able to be there for your neighbor. That's one thing this does is develops empathy in us.

[LostnEmpty]

Boo,

I am sorry to hear about your aunt and your neighbor and the fact you had to revisit the hospital your Cliff took his final breath. But i am glad you were able to get through it enough so you could drive home safely. Of course it has left you shaken up- there is no way it could not have affected you. I felt the same way when I had to go up to the house so soon after where i watched my Marc die. I haven't and won't ever have to go to that hospital where they declared him dead but i still relive that moment when they allowed us to see his body in the emergency room and I feel like I'm there all over again. I remember how cold he was when I kissed him for the last time. I still have to go up to that house to grab a couple things and I dread it. i haven't been up there since last month. When and if i go back up there i will be thinking of you and Kay and how you both have had to visit the places where your husbands past away. I just basically wanted to let you know that i understand and have been in that situation and will go through it again one more time and hope to find the strength not to fall apart.

[marsha]

Boo - I think you were outstanding! In January, our (my??) employee had her baby, and I went to see her the next day. I so dreaded even going into the parking lot. I took a few deep, shuddering breaths and went in. Chris was in the room next to where Joe was that last weekend before he died. She plopped that baby into my arms, and I spent the next half hour with that sweet child and I just looking at each other. In my mind I said "look, Joe!" It was ok.

Sometimes the anticipation of an emotional day is worse than the actual day itself. My advice is to do only what you feel and want to do on your birthday - whatever will make the day easier on your heart and soul. And yes, it would be really nice for all of us to be able to get together for a group hug. Big cyber hug - and peace, Marsha

[mrspapajohn]

Oh, my Dear Boo - - - I am so very sorry for what you are feeling right now. You get a big cyber hug from me, too. You saved me from believing that I was really crazed and delusional with some of the wonderful things you have written. Our husbands died on the same day and I recognize my feelings in the words you so beautifully use to describe what you are going through and what you are feeling. I also tend to mark my progress against yours, but I believe for both of us it is one step forward and three steps back.

I brought Stephen home from the hospital before he died - much to the chagrin of the medical staff and even hospice, and would not even accept a special "hospital" bed. I placed him in his own bed and laid beside him right up to the end. Thus, I don't have the terror of the hospital like you do (the bedroom, however, is a different story). I do have to return to the hospital myself for the first time next week (my cardiologist is there), and come to think of it, I am not looking forward to walking through those doors again. I guess that I have just been putting it out of my mind.

As for crying while doing yard work, I am still crying when I wake up, when I get the mail, when I go to the supermarket, the vet, or just about anywhere. I cry when the sun comes up, when it goes down, when it is time for the meals we shared together and, most especially, when it is time for bed. I do so miss those strong arms around me. I am seeing my family doctor next week also because my eyes are so sore from constantly daubing them with a kleenex tissue. The edges of my eyes are red and rubbed raw like the nose of someone with a bad cold. I am saving quite a bit of money on eyeliner though, since I haven't been able to wear makeup (it just washes right off) since Stephen died.

Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. They are all dreaded days for me right now, and I expect that they will continue to be for quite a while, if not always. I visited my husband's grave on our anniversary and plan to return on my birthday in June. For me, I need a private time to speak with him and think of him and remember all the wonderful things he did for me. He gave me the happiest time of my life and I know I will never have love like that again - - nor do I want it because all I want is Stephen. I don't plan to let his family know that I am coming. They try to cheer me up and that actually makes it harder because I feel like I have to act like their efforts are succeeding when all I want to do is go lie next to my husband's grave and just stay there. Every one is different, and Boo, if your sister gives you comfort, please remind her that you are coming there for your birthday and just go. If I were closer, or even had the funds to get there, I would fly to be with you myself. At least, please know that you will be in my thoughts all day long.

I thnk of you as my dear, dear friend. And if there is anything at all that I can do to help. Please, please let me know.

Kathy

[loving denny]

awwwwww boo, you've become such a dear to me and i wish i had the magis words to make all this go away!!! i have become attached also to a security blanket and don't know were i would be without them. you are such a strong woman hun, and i know you will get to the other side of this also. i am so so very sorry that things keep getting in the way, but i think that's a way that life has to keep us up on our feet....you are awesome in my eyes and i know that you will come out on top!! my thoughts and prayers are now with you (i've been able to share those feelings now) and i have no doubts hun, the wicked will pass and the calm will settle in again...always have you in thought boo, you've helped me up many many times. let me know how you are okay? your friend from across the ocean

[Boo Mayhew]

Thanks Leeann, I will try that! It never occurred to me to do that at all, so that's great advice ... I may still look on eBay for a bee-keeper's outfit tho (not joking).

It doesn't matter that our losses are different. Your loss means you hurt. That's the same.

I know my losses are different but I must say thanks for sharing that Phyllis. And here I thought I was the only one crying while doing yardwork this weekend..... so thanks..

Hey Boo.... I'm NOT too wild about spiders either.... But I had an idea... maybe you could "spray" the zone (Hammer's area) you want to work on first & wait a bit...so any spiders in that area will not be around when you are working??? Just a thought. (A thought that any fellow disliker of spiders would have... probably..... hopefully... Well that's my story and I'm sticking to it!)

Thanks Ladies

leeann

[Boo Mayhew]

Kay, you are so right about the empathy that this experience teaches us. I think I was good at sympathy before and giving support. But this is completely different. And another thing, it has made me think before I speak (MOST of the time).

I felt like I had to have a huge cry afterwards and to ensure I did, I watched, "P.S. I love you". That worked!!!! It's a great film to watch, but I'd only recommend it if you WANT to have a HUGE cry! It was like a tsunami coming over me, but I so needed it. Don't get me wrong, I cry all the time. This was a BIG cry. If you haven't heard of it, here's some info:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0431308/

Boo,

The first time (or more) back to the hospital is really hard, and to have to do it that soon, no wonder you were shaken! I remember all too well having to go back there and I couldn't stop my eyes from continually watering!

I'm glad you made it through and am glad you were able to be there for your neighbor. That's one thing this does is develops empathy in us.

[Boo Mayhew]

Thanks for your support Talia. Please plan ahead when you have to go and ask someone you love and trust to be with you ... a friend or member of your family. I think it definitely helps. I think it's okay to fall apart ... it's just that I find the thought of doing so in public scary. When Cliff died there was a slight chance that he might need a post mortem (he didn't in the end) and I got so upset in the main foyer of the hospital, begging the man dealing with me "not to hurt him" that I made the poor man cry with me. Thank God for the lovely people that work there. I'm sure that there were other people who witnessed me losing it that day but I didn't care then and I don't now. It's the thought of losing it in front of people that scares me, but if it happens, it doesn't seem important. Strange huh?

Don't beat yourself up if you aren't strong. I just felt that I shouldn't let my neighbour down ... because we thought his wife might die that day (she didn't thank goodness).

You're so right Talia, you do understand. We all do on this forum and I cannot believe how much help it has given me. The warmth literally comes out of my computer screen when I log onto this site some days. I know that sounds stupid, but I can feel it. I'd really like to nominate the Board for an Award, but am not sure how to do that.

Boo,

I am sorry to hear about your aunt and your neighbor and the fact you had to revisit the hospital your Cliff took his final breath. But i am glad you were able to get through it enough so you could drive home safely. Of course it has left you shaken up- there is no way it could not have affected you. I felt the same way when I had to go up to the house so soon after where i watched my Marc die. I haven't and won't ever have to go to that hospital where they declared him dead but i still relive that moment when they allowed us to see his body in the emergency room and I feel like I'm there all over again. I remember how cold he was when I kissed him for the last time. I still have to go up to that house to grab a couple things and I dread it. i haven't been up there since last month. When and if i go back up there i will be thinking of you and Kay and how you both have had to visit the places where your husbands past away. I just basically wanted to let you know that i understand and have been in that situation and will go through it again one more time and hope to find the strength not to fall apart.

[MartyT]

Thank you for recommending this movie, Boo. Films like this can be very useful if chosen deliberately as an aid in the mourning process. See, for example,

Grief Observed: Using Movies to Move through Grief

by Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor

Movies and DVD rentals that dramatize others coming to terms with their pain may serve as a valuable tool to help you and your family members move through the grieving process.

In this spirit, this list of movies for those in mourning is offered, categorized by the aspect of grief primarily addressed in a given film or DVD. For description of movies and reviews, click movie title. Click here to read more.

[Boo Mayhew]

Hi Marsha

I loved the way you described your employee ... "plopped that baby into my arms" ... it put a big smile on my face. There is something so good about holding a new baby - it can even make you cry with happiness can't it? It conjured up for me the whole "new life, everlasting life, cycle" thing.

You have hit the nail on the head actually. I am a person who puts off what she "dreads", and I build stuff up in my own mind so that it seems like a huge issue. For example, the life insurance was put in the bank and I still haven't paid off the house because it's the final nail in the coffin, so to speak. I get butterflies everytime I think about it. Problem is the bank only have so much patience. So I WILL deal with it this afternoon. Cliff would be cross with me not to have done it, but he wouldn't be surprised

Am spending my birthday with my big sister and her boyfriend. It was all confirmed this morning. I knew she didn't do it on purpose.

thanks for your cyber hug xxxx

Boo - I think you were outstanding! In January, our (my??) employee had her baby, and I went to see her the next day. I so dreaded even going into the parking lot. I took a few deep, shuddering breaths and went in. Chris was in the room next to where Joe was that last weekend before he died. She plopped that baby into my arms, and I spent the next half hour with that sweet child and I just looking at each other. In my mind I said "look, Joe!" It was ok.

Sometimes the anticipation of an emotional day is worse than the actual day itself. My advice is to do only what you feel and want to do on your birthday - whatever will make the day easier on your heart and soul. And yes, it would be really nice for all of us to be able to get together for a group hug. Big cyber hug - and peace, Marsha

[Boo Mayhew]

Kathy, I can't write very much here because I am getting upset and am at work. You know how it is, if you start, you don't stop. I just wanted to tell you how deeply touched I was with what you wrote. Just to put your mind at rest, I am definitely going to be with my sister and I am going to embrace the feelings this time rather than fight them like I did on Cliff's birthday (by filling up my day and making myself so busy) because all I did was delay the inevitable, and I fell apart the following day instead.

Thank you for making me smile about saving money on eyeliner Actually, I only apply mascara on my upper lashes. That's been my "new look" since January 6th.

Let me know your's and Stephen's birthdays so I can put them in my diary and lend you support too. I too think of you as a sister-in-arms xxxx

Oh, my Dear Boo - - - I am so very sorry for what you are feeling right now. You get a big cyber hug from me, too. You saved me from believing that I was really crazed and delusional with some of the wonderful things you have written. Our husbands died on the same day and I recognize my feelings in the words you so beautifully use to describe what you are going through and what you are feeling. I also tend to mark my progress against yours, but I believe for both of us it is one step forward and three steps back.

I brought Stephen home from the hospital before he died - much to the chagrin of the medical staff and even hospice, and would not even accept a special "hospital" bed. I placed him in his own bed and laid beside him right up to the end. Thus, I don't have the terror of the hospital like you do (the bedroom, however, is a different story). I do have to return to the hospital myself for the first time next week (my cardiologist is there), and come to think of it, I am not looking forward to walking through those doors again. I guess that I have just been putting it out of my mind.

As for crying while doing yard work, I am still crying when I wake up, when I get the mail, when I go to the supermarket, the vet, or just about anywhere. I cry when the sun comes up, when it goes down, when it is time for the meals we shared together and, most especially, when it is time for bed. I do so miss those strong arms around me. I am seeing my family doctor next week also because my eyes are so sore from constantly daubing them with a kleenex tissue. The edges of my eyes are red and rubbed raw like the nose of someone with a bad cold. I am saving quite a bit of money on eyeliner though, since I haven't been able to wear makeup (it just washes right off) since Stephen died.

Birthdays, anniversaries, holidays. They are all dreaded days for me right now, and I expect that they will continue to be for quite a while, if not always. I visited my husband's grave on our anniversary and plan to return on my birthday in June. For me, I need a private time to speak with him and think of him and remember all the wonderful things he did for me. He gave me the happiest time of my life and I know I will never have love like that again - - nor do I want it because all I want is Stephen. I don't plan to let his family know that I am coming. They try to cheer me up and that actually makes it harder because I feel like I have to act like their efforts are succeeding when all I want to do is go lie next to my husband's grave and just stay there. Every one is different, and Boo, if your sister gives you comfort, please remind her that you are coming there for your birthday and just go. If I were closer, or even had the funds to get there, I would fly to be with you myself. At least, please know that you will be in my thoughts all day long.

I thnk of you as my dear, dear friend. And if there is anything at all that I can do to help. Please, please let me know.

Kathy

[Boo Mayhew]

hello Joanna

thanks my Harley-riding friend xxx Your response means so much to me and I am so proud of you because look at you, you are giving me help today, and WOULD YOU HAVE BELIEVED THAT a week ago? I will be okay because I have to be. We all will be. It's just harder than we ever knew or imagined before our worst fears were realized. Thank God we all have each other.

xxx

awwwwww boo, you've become such a dear to me and i wish i had the magis words to make all this go away!!! i have become attached also to a security blanket and don't know were i would be without them. you are such a strong woman hun, and i know you will get to the other side of this also. i am so so very sorry that things keep getting in the way, but i think that's a way that life has to keep us up on our feet....you are awesome in my eyes and i know that you will come out on top!! my thoughts and prayers are now with you (i've been able to share those feelings now) and i have no doubts hun, the wicked will pass and the calm will settle in again...always have you in thought boo, you've helped me up many many times. let me know how you are okay? your friend from across the ocean

[Boo Mayhew]

Marty, thanks for this information. I guess I was "self-medicating" without knowing that it was a good thing to do! I knew that I had to really let it out (more than usual) so hired that DVD purposefully. I did wonder if it was a smart thing to do, but it worked well for me. Now that you have confirmed that it's useful as an aid, I feel safer about doing it again. Thanks!

Thank you for recommending this movie, Boo. Films like this can be very useful if chosen deliberately as an aid in the mourning process. See, for example,

Grief Observed: Using Movies to Move through Grief

by Marty Tousley, Bereavement Counselor

Movies and DVD rentals that dramatize others coming to terms with their pain may serve as a valuable tool to help you and your family members move through the grieving process.

In this spirit, this list of movies for those in mourning is offered, categorized by the aspect of grief primarily addressed in a given film or DVD. For description of movies and reviews, click movie title. Click here to read more.

[Boo Mayhew]

Marty, the link isn't working at the moment. Thought I should let you know. x

Marty, thanks for this information. I guess I was "self-medicating" without knowing that it was a good thing to do! I knew that I had to really let it out (more than usual) so hired that DVD purposefully. I did wonder if it was a smart thing to do, but it worked well for me. Now that you have confirmed that it's useful as an aid, I feel safer about doing it again. Thanks!

[MartyT]

Hmmmm ~ it's still working for me, Boo. Try this instead. Cut and paste this into your browser, and let me know if it works for you: http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/grief_movies.shtml

[Boo Mayhew]

that worked, thanks Marty!

Hmmmm ~ it's still working for me, Boo. Try this instead. Cut and paste this into your browser, and let me know if it works for you: http://www.selfhealingexpressions.com/grief_movies.shtml

[mrspapajohn]

Boo - - Are you doing a little better now? I know that it's never good - - but better? I have been trying to figure out where to move to. Maybe I should move to Britain. I'll bet you make it a better place just by being you.

Kathy