Difficult Weekend

[Fredzgirl]

Fred's sons flew in on Friday and out on Saturday. It was a quick trip but full one. It was a month to the day of Fred's passing. We went through a lot of his things and shared stories. We each had our turn with tears. I really wasn't so ready to let them take any of Fred's things but they don't live close so I didn't tell them that I wasn't ready. They were very kind to me and empathetic. Most of what they took were things that had been stored away. There is a shirt in the closet with the sleeves rolled up. Fred must have just worn it for a couple of hours and rehung it. I put that shirt off limits. When I said goodbye and dropped them off at the airport, I started to cry and sobbed all the way home. I think it was because they are so much a part of him.

I picked up a couple of my grandchildren and kept them for the night. It was a good diversion. But in the morning, it was so obvious that Fred was missing. He always made breakfast with and for them. I couidn't keep the tears from flowing again. I miss him so much and just want him home with me.

[marsha]

Tears are healing, Fredzgirl- let them flow. Joe's 2 kids, whom we had communicated with, but not seen in many years, flew out that last weekend before he died, and we all were with him. They came out again for the memorial 3 months later, with the grandkids we had never met. They didn't ask for anything, but I gave them some of Joe's stuff that I knew would give them comfort. What does it matter in the long run? Pleae take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - hugs, Marsha

[Boo Mayhew]

Fredzgirl, today, seven months after losing Cliff, I finally scrubbed off his smeared thumbprint of mustard inside my fridge. Last week, I actually threw away his mustard jar. This weekend a very close and cherished friend of ours is coming up to stay (to help another old friend finish off the roof that Cliff had almost completed), and I will sit and talk with him, and we will probably both cry and also laugh ... remember happier times and laugh more. Whilst he is here I intend to give him Cliff's samurai sword (that he bequeathed to our friend's son when he was born). I am ready, but it has been seven months.

I totally agree with Marsha's sentiment where "things" are concerned (as time has gone by I have finally realized this is true ... he is not in a mustard thumbprint or a mustard jar, nor is he in his hairbrush or on his pillowcase), however I would add that it really was so early for you to have to sort through and give away any of Fred's belongings. It sounds as though most of the items were not things that you were used to living with, as they were in storage, but even so ... I wish they had waited a little longer, I wish they'd asked you if you were ready. I guess they were ready and therefore assumed you were ... and we can't expect them to know intuitively if we are not ready.

Please be gentle with yourself, and don't let anyone pressurize you into, for example recycling Fred's clothes, or anything. Be still. Let yourself adjust a little before you part with anything, sort anything, change your environment. You have just experienced the biggest change in your life, the huge loss ... leave any further changes for when you are ready. Right now you need to keep any semblance of normalcy and familiar surroundings so that you can cope with the shift in axis that your world has taken.

Please do not feel bad for crying when you don't expect to. Of course you cry ... you have lost your husband and everything that he was to you, your life, your love, your friend, your counsel and all the other facets of the relationship that you had. I can remember being at one month past Cliff's death, and I felt so scared, such fear, shock, numbness, disbelief, hen belief and pain, confusion, the inability to concentrate on anything, the tears that would spring up unannounced at any given moment, as well as the hours that I would sit and stare and be unable to cry.

Please accept offers of help (to run errands, cook you dinner, fetch shopping, mow your lawn etc) while the offers are there. Please accept company too - in the early days I would have hated to have been alone, and was not alone at all for the first six weeks. Try to eat, even dry toast at this time. Sleep whenever you can sleep, it doesn't matter if you get 3 hours sleep in the afternoon because you haven't slept for the past night or two. Cry. Talk. Talking is good. Post here too because it gets it off your chest.

We are here for you.

Please take care, take everything at your own pace, and let us know how you are coping.

HUGS

[kayc]

Fredzgirl,

I'm afraid I did the same thing when George passed away...I'd promised his camping trailer (he used it during the workweek when he was away) to a guy at work who'd sold his car for me and gotten a very good price for it...well I wanted him and his family to be able to make use of it in the summer so I literally forced myself to clean it out, but it was SO George and I bawled the entire time, and did it alone...looking back, I never should have done that...I should have had my daughter there with me and I should have given it more time, it was just way too hard.

I'm glad you got to spend some time with his sons and also with grandkids, it helps to have them around. Listen to what Boo said, she's right...

[laurieb]

Fredzgirl

Thank you for your post. I was just sitting here thinking I should be further along in this process. It has been almost 5 months and I just feel so unbelievably sad, and lost. I am so functioning on the outside but have not handled other things well at all. I have not even cleaned out Scott's draw in the bathroom, his nightstand, his closet.. I can't even think about it without falling to pieces Gosh, if tears are healing I should be healed of everything! I look forward to the blessings of loosing a loved one, are there any??? All I see and feel is all the negative results. I just wish someone would share just how long it is before we smile , truly smile - on the inside, not that fake smile that we all do so well. Is there ever really true happiness after this loss when you worked so long on your marriage?

When you shared how much you miss him and just want him home, I just said the same thing tonight as I sat in his chair in my house all alone. There have been days where I am so busy that I forget to eat a meal, push myself too hard and don't slow down and rest, actually get a headache and then realize I haven't had any coffee in 3-4 days all because Scott was my best friend, he cared for me and most of all I hate not having him here so I can care, love and do for him. I miss just making him happy, giving to him, seeing his face when I come home, I miss my phone calls from him ending with I love you... God these are some tough times, its just oppressing!

I am so grateful that I am not alone and that so many of you are feeling the same way following the loss of a great love like I had. Thank you for capturing my thoughts, feelings and many times words.

laurie

[kath]

Fredzgirl, I gave some of Bob's things away right away and I still have some items in the closet and storage bins filled with more. The things he found important, the things that were really him, I wanted his children and brothers to have. But, like you with the shirt with the rolled up sleeves, if it brought tears and gut-wrenching pain, back it went...off limits. Those are the things I keep going back to, to touch, to smell, to remember. That and his cologne. I can't tell you how happy I was to find his scent was just a spray away! What you did for his children was wonderful. I wouldn't doubt they knew how difficult it was, yet you did it anyway. Grief is hard work. Tears help us through it.

Laurie, you will feel genuine happiness again. For me, it was well into the second year. The burden of sadness became too much to carry. I needed to make a change. Like tears, allowing joy into your life is awkward and uncomfortable at best. And there are many times the smile and the tears come all at once, but the heart-twisting pain subsides. What hasn't faded, and what I feared the most in the beginning that it would, is his memory, and my love. Those things I carry with me every minute of every day.

[Jsph110]

Fred's sons flew in on Friday and out on Saturday. It was a quick trip but full one. It was a month to the day of Fred's passing. We went through a lot of his things and shared stories. We each had our turn with tears. I really wasn't so ready to let them take any of Fred's things but they don't live close so I didn't tell them that I wasn't ready. They were very kind to me and empathetic. Most of what they took were things that had been stored away. There is a shirt in the closet with the sleeves rolled up. Fred must have just worn it for a couple of hours and rehung it. I put that shirt off limits. When I said goodbye and dropped them off at the airport, I started to cry and sobbed all the way home. I think it was because they are so much a part of him.

I picked up a couple of my grandchildren and kept them for the night. It was a good diversion. But in the morning, it was so obvious that Fred was missing. He always made breakfast with and for them. I couidn't keep the tears from flowing again. I miss him so much and just want him home with me.

Fredzgirl I am sorry you are feeling this way. Keep reading and posting how you are feeling.

[Boo Mayhew]

Laurie - you are in the right place time-wise in your grieving because that is where you need to be, meaning you are at your personal limit of what you can cope with.

If I push myself too far too soon, I go backwards or downwards, and fast.

When I read your post I smiled at myself ... because never mind washstuff/toiletries etc! It is August .... Cliff died on January 6th this year ... and I still have Santa's hanging all over the house (inside thankfully only) because I am not ready to take them down. Please don't feel that you should be further along the process, you shouldn't.

I have only just wiped away a mustard smeared thumbprint off my fridge because it was his.

When you are ready. Not before .... go easy on yourself :-)

xx

[JeanneC]

Fredzgirl:

I know how you feel about giving away your husband's belongings. It took me a year before I was able to give Alex's belongings away. I donated his belongings to St. Mary's. It was very hard. As I was putting each piece of clothing in the large bags I cried. I did keep some pieces as they remind me of different events in our lives. Like the shirt he wore when we first met. Yes, I do remember it. I was giving some other things of Alex's away, when I came across his violin. When he was young and in school he played the violin. I was so excited to see it. It was in it's case with the bow, but the strings needed to be fixed. The day I found it, I got a call from my sister-in-law and I told her and she asked me if she could have it. She was going to put it in her music room with her piano. I guess she caught me off guard, and I said yes, but now I really would like to keep it. My other sister-in-law, said that her sister was insensitive in asking me for something from Alex. She said it was Alex's and we were married and I should keep it if I wanted to. I guess I will figure this out and eventually have to tell her I would rather keep the violin. I just don't want to hurt her feelings.

Boo - You made me laugh about the mustard. Aex always did all the grocery shopping. When he was admitted into the hospital, I would go home at night and try to make supper for myself. I needed onions. I found one onion in the fridge in a bag. I just could not use that onion. Till this day, I still have that onion in the fridge. Now it is 1 1/2 years since Alex was in the hospital. I thought that after he passed I would use it. It is amazing that it has not rotted or smell. You all must thing I am a terrible housekeeper, but I just cannot at this time, throw it out.

There are things we do now that we never thought we would do, like keeping shirts that have their smell, mustard stains or an old onion. I know I will get rid of that onion, but not right now.

Love and God Bless,

Jeanne

[Boo Mayhew]

LOL, thank you Jeanne for making me laugh out loud today :-)

It's good to know that we are excused from being domestic goddesses these days ;-)

hugs xx

[mlg]

I'm so sorry you had to seek us out and don't mean to discourage you but there is NO time frame for grief. I am a little over a year and a half and have 2 friends from grief support in about the same time frame and right now all three of us are having a set back. Mine started at work about 2 weeks ago when the overhead sound system played love songs all day long and I couldn't get away from it. Music really seems to be sending me in a spiral because I went to see the movie Julie & Julia and although it was a really cute movie the last two songs totally sent me into a downward spiral. We had changed some of the words to the little song I Love You a Bushel and a Peck and made it kind of "our" song and I had just sung it to his picture Sun. morning and then it was in the movie and I totally lost it. I'm sure people leaving the show thought I was insane with tears running down my cheeks and red eyes.. Sometimes you just can't help it and you can't control it either. It doesn't help when you don't have much emotional support from family either. I don't know what I would do without my daughters and two new friends. I'd probably be in a straight jacket somewhere.

As for giving things away, just be cautious because you are still in a fog and I made the mistake of giving Tom's electric razor to someone (I don't even know who) and then wanted to give it to my grandson and it was gone. Can't tell when the fog will lift either because it is different for each of us. I "function" OK but I am really just kind of existing (not living) for the most part. I'm really considering a counselor besides my other support groups.

Come here often because you can say anything here and not be judged. Our suggestions may not always help, but we will be honest and do our best.

[kayc]

And I can't TELL you how long it was before I changed the sheets! I'm just glad the sheet police didn't know...I'd have been in big trouble!

Take your time...we don't have to please other people or meet their expectations in our grief, it is ours alone and we do it the way that is best for us. We'll all stand behind you!

[Fredzgirl]

Thank you all for understanding. I haven't been very kind with myself and I'm going to try and do better. Before I give anything else away, I'm going to think. I find I am more concerned for others than for myself. I hear so many people say that I'm "so strong". Well, I'm not.