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Memorial On Aug. 30


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Hi:

We are having a memorial for Scott on August 30. His funeral was back where he grew up in Quebec; I felt very strongly that he should be buried there, with his dad, as in the last year, he had been talking a lot about wanting to go home (though I admit, it annoyed me as we have many friends and work here in British Columbia - wish I had talked to him more about it!). His family was great and did some fancy footwork to get him a spot beside his dad (a plot, will, etc were things we had not yet addressed...).

Anyhow, I wrote and my mom read his eulogy at his funeral. But for the memorial, I have decided to read it myself (plus I have asked two others to share their tributes). I wanted to put it here, as I consider you all to be friends - I would like you to know a little bit about Scott other than what I have written about in the forum. Wish me luck, as I know it is going to be a terribly difficult thing to do. Here it is, with a few small adjustments from the original...

Thanks for listening,

Korina

Anyone who knew Scott knew that life with Scott was never a dull moment. And anyone who met him NEVER forgot him. He was an incredibly special person; a man, a son, a brother, an uncle, a nephew, a friend, a businessman, a husband and a father who burned so brightly in our lives for far too short a time.

Growing up in Montreal, Scott had many wonderful stories about his family vacations, great Christmases, road trips with Uncle Peter, boatbuilding in the backyard, and all the crazy places where he and his father fixed air conditioning units. Scott was also always active in sports, full of life and made lifelong friends, with whom he had a certain knack for stirring the pot and causing trouble. These stories ranged from the Wild Boys in high school, to trashing his Cadillac, to being chased by an entire town in Europe for trying to knick their flag.

Later, at the University of New Brunswick, he continued to shake it up, challenging his professors in Mechanical Engineering, always doing it his own way, and again, making friends who will never forget him. And this continued on as he made his mark at Spar Aerospace in Montreal, and in business and politics in Vancouver. Scott loved politics his entire life. Friends brought him out to Vancouver, and politics encouraged him to stay. One day, out of the blue, shortly after I had graduated in Frederiction, I received a call from Scott. Simply, he said, “I've decided to stay in Vancouver. Come on out.” He had gotten a job on for the federal campaign, so out I came and we started our lives here.

Probably the most beautiful thing about Scott was his unrestrained generosity. If he had something or thought he could do something for someone to help, Scott was there. There are many people sitting here today who have a personal story about the time Scott got him or her out of a jam, or about the time Scott provided that extra little push to get them over the hump. He loved helping people. This also manifested itself in charitable work, where we began a charity to raise money for children’s hospitals across Canada. To Scott, raising money to help children was one of the most important achievements of his life.

And then there was that unique sense of humor, his laugh and his smile. More than once I couldn’t help giggling simply because he was laughing so hard at some eclectic joke. He always had a joke of his own at hand, his sharp wit making us all laugh. It was painful for him to see others hurting, and he used humour so well to make people feel better. And he kept that sense of humour right to the end as he joked with the nurses, while he was the one hurting.

One of the hardest things about Scott's passing is that the world can no longer benefit from his amazing intelligence and creativity. If you knew Scott, you knew how smart he was, though you could never really figure out just how his brain worked. He had this amazing way of cutting to the chase, of seeing through all the bs straight to the heart of the issue. He always had a new idea, a new strategy, a new take on the situation. It moved him up the ladder at Spar Aerospace, and brought him success in business and politics, and won him the respect of a great many people.

And then in February of this year, Scott embarked on the most important achievement of his life, of any man's life. He became a father. The miracle of Kailyn. The look of love and pride in his eyes whenever he gazed at his beautiful little girl was heartwarming, and looking back on it, heartbreaking. And though he cannot be with us in physical form as Kailyn grows up, he will always be with us in spirit, our own personal angel. And because Scott was the person he was, he has left behind family and so many friends who have cared for and will care for us over the coming years.

Scott, you are loved. You will always be loved. You made me strong, yet I feel completely lost without you. You have touched the lives of so many people whose hearts break at the loss of your love, your company, your generosity, your creativity, your wit. And every time we try to help someone in their time of need, we are honouring your life and your memory. We love you and we miss you.

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well, you've got me. I am crying at my desk. It's beautiful - well done for writing it. I wrote Cliff's Eulogy myself too and keep meaning to upload it here, then keep forgetting .... I know how much energy and concentration and emotion went into writing it, so I know how hard it was for you to write. On the other hand, it also helped me to write it, because I felt that I had done my best for him that way, not to mention that it helped me preserve my sanity (wrote it within two weeks of Cliff dying) as it gave me something to focus on ... I remember locking myself away in a room for two days till I was happy with it, and being coaxed to eat and take breaks by his sister (who would keep emptying the ashtray :-)

I still could not read it to an audience, though ... I think you are extremely brave. I have every faith in you, but it's not a bad idea to have a "reserve" who can take over reading it aloud should you crumble (my niece had to pull in her "reserve" at my Dad's funeral).

Korina, it's so strange because Cliff seemed to be home-sick during the last year. I wonder ...

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Korina,

What can I say? This says it all...no wonder you miss him so, he sounds like a wonderful person. He will be missed by all who knew him...and by you, his love, most of all.

Kay

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Korina,

The words you have written about Scott are beautiful. I also wrote something for my husband over a year ago but was not able to say the words myself. You are a very brave person and I wish you all the best at the memorial service.

Mary

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Thanks, everyone. It means a lot to me that you all have a chance to know a bit about Scott.

Love,

Korina

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Time for another emotional release....a friend is putting together a slide show of photos for the memorial. So I was looking through photos. Oh my God! If these last few days haven't been bad enough, this put me over the top! While looking at them, I was similtaneously in a world of hurt and also angry at him for leaving me. How did I ever think I could be without him?! I know I have no choice, but I am feeling particularly lonely and vulnerable. How am I ever going to tell/show Kailyn about her Dad, and what a wonderful person he was (though not perfect)? I know our lives were far from perfect together (whose is...?), but I would take back every awful moment just to be with him. Because the wonderful times were soooo wonderful, and our love was pure. And we were a team! We made it through those crap times - for better and for worse. And things were looking up - we had so many things left to do together. Like having more children....

Anyhow, I just had to get it out.

(By the way, does anyone else look for signs or dreams from their loved one? I feel kinda hokey for reading sites on such experiences, and near death experiences. But I find them somewhat comforting.)

Thanks,

Korina

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Korina, I am thinking of you and sending you a big hug. After a while, I find myself getting comfort from photos, but initially, like you, they would just set me off into an almost animal howling state.

xx

I love your choice of words....animal howling state is so perfect!

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Korina, dear ~

You said, (By the way, does anyone else look for signs or dreams from their loved one? I feel kinda hokey for reading sites on such experiences, and near death experiences. But I find them somewhat comforting.)

I'm reminded of these helpful passages from Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved by Louis LaGrand:

Seeking an Extraordinary Encounter, pp. 119-121

I tell every client who comes to me that there is nothing wrong with asking or praying for a sign that your loved one is okay. You will receive a sign when you need it most. Be patient. Persist. Be specific. Keep petitioning. Stay alert and increase your awareness of the coincidences, feelings, unusual happenings, intuitions, and good things that occur during your day. Give thanks when what you have prayed for arrives. Persistent prayer cannot be denied. In particular, ask your Higher Power to allow you to have a visitation dream. Many spiritual counselors believe that dreams are the easiest way for spirits to communicate with survivors.

You might also combine your prayers with meditation. If prayer is talking to the Intelligence, meditation is listening to that Intelligence. Meditation – opening your mind and heart to the messages of the universe around you – will put you in an ideal state of consciousness to receive an Extraordinary Encounter . . . if something happens to you during your prayer or meditation session, and you are not sure how to assess it, ask yourself four questions:

•Is this the kind of thing my loved one would do?

•What is my intuitive feeling about the event? (Notice what comes into your awareness – what thoughts, physical feelings, emotions.)

•Has this event brought the feelings that love has been given and received?

•Most important of all, did the experience bring peace?

If the answer to the last question is yes, you should feel confident that you’re being led by a power greater than yourself, regardless of what name you attach to it. I firmly believe that peace and a sense of belonging or connectedness go hand-in-hand, and that the road to true healing lies in following that peace.

How to Strengthen Your Inner Life, pp. 159-172

1) Feed on daily inspirational themes.

2) Recognize your thought traps. Oppose your inner critic with your inner cheerleader. Challenge negative thinking. Use words like “I vow” or “I commit.” Save worrying for a pre-set “worry time,” and quickly turn your attention elsewhere.

3) Develop contemplative skills – a daily stress-reduction routine to take time out from reality. Includes disconnecting (phone, doorbell, etc.), guided imagery, meditation, imagination, breath work.

4) Use nature as a form of therapy. Study details; feel the peace of beauty: look for the hidden face of your Higher Power in the sky, the clouds, the sun, the smell of grass and flowers, the ocean, the mountains, a work of art.

5) Nurture your intuition – the instant grasping of reality; a lightbulb going on as you find a solution to a problem; the gut feeling that you should take a specific course of action . . . Coping well with loss always involves rising above your previous level of awareness, and intuition, which is part of your spiritual intelligence, will help you do just that. Listen to your inner voice and the feelings that often accompany it.

6) Keep a journal. Whether you fill it with personal thoughts and feelings, memories, or prayers, a journal can be an effective means of enhancing your inner dialogue and your overall spirituality.

7) Strive to imprint and maintain powerful memories. What you choose to recall drastically effects how you live your life in the present: how you remain in contact with deceased loved ones, how you learn from the past, and perhaps most important, how you use good memories to bring you lasting joy and empower your life.

-- Source: Love Lives On: Learning from the Extraordinary Experiences of the Bereaved, by Louis LaGrand, Ph.D., © 2006

In addition, please know that you are not alone in looking for such signs. This topic has been discussed many times in our forums; see, for example, these posts and threads:

Do You Really Think We’ll See Them Again?

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=29414

Contact With Deceased

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=3513

After Death Communication

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2580

Could This be a Sign? http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=2872&view=findpost&p=20923 ://http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.p...st&p=20923

Allison’s Lessons

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=20875

Is It True? Will I See Her Again?

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&showtopic=910&view=findpost&p=3472 ://http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.p...ost&p=3472

Loss of a Best Friend

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=19626

Lisa Williams Medium and Clairvoyant

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=17083

Induced After Death Communication

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=16773

I Swear I Could Smell Him

http://hovforum.ipbhost.com/index.php?s=&a...ost&p=15856

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Marty:

Thank you so much for all the information! It is good to know that I am not the only one here with these longings and thoughts. In fact, I do believe there have been a couple times where Scott was saying "Hi", or making a joke. One instance was the desktop computer he always used had the date icon stuck on June 17 (the last day I spoke to him in a 2 way conversation before he went onto life support) for about a month after his death, until the computer eventually locked up and rebooted. I took a screen shot of it. The second time was when my sister-in-law, nephew and I were driving in my car, and at one point, my sister-in-law hopped out to do something. After she got out, the seat belt ringer kept on going, even though there was absolutely nothing on the seat. Both my nephew and I immediately thought it was Scott (no doubt making fun of his sister!). And more recently, it sounded like something fell in the kitchen (both cats heard it, too), but I couldn't see anything when I looked (I am a clutz in the kitchen - used to drive him crazy). And the butterfly antennae on the candleholder I bought for him just recently (to light every month for him) were waving quite vigorously, though I don't believe I knocked it (though, remember, I am a clutz, so I am not sure...).

Scott had always been a very scientific person, and skeptical to say the least. However, I believe his skepticism was shaken about 2 years ago, where he had a ghostly encounter (not with a loved one, but with one of the "regular" ghosts in an old hotel my family runs). Though he kept telling me it was all in his mind, must have been hung over or smelling gas fumes through the open window from vehicles running below the window. Sorry Scott, again, as I have told this experience one more time, though I promised at the time I would not tell anyone else.

Anyhow, Marty, this helps me to believe and feel more deeply that he is looking out for Kailyn and myself.

Korina

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•Is this the kind of thing my loved one would do?

•What is my intuitive feeling about the event? (Notice what comes into your awareness – what thoughts, physical feelings, emotions.)

•Has this event brought the feelings that love has been given and received?

•Most important of all, did the experience bring peace?

If the answer to the last question is yes, you should feel confident that you're being led by a power greater than yourself, regardless of what name you attach to it. I firmly believe that peace and a sense of belonging or connectedness go hand-in-hand, and that the road to true healing lies in following that peace.

Marty, thanks so much for posting this, because I too have been preoccupied with these feelings recently and this has confirmed to me that the sign I received was indeed sent to me. I thought I would share my experience with the group, and anyone can read it here :wub:

http://boomayhew.blogspot.com/2009/08/sunsets-alone.html

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Oh, yes, I firmly believe in after death communication.

Two weeks ago, my sister had her 50th birthday. Her husband arranged a surprise birthday party. We were all standing in the room waiting to yell "Surprise!" We were all quiet, holding our breaths as we waited for her to arrive. On the wall opposite, there was a huge mirror. I glanced in the mirror, and I kid you not, I clearly saw my father standing there. Just for a second, then he was gone. He died in Dec. 2006 -- but he would not have missed his youngest daughter's birthday party!

I have dreams, too, where my ex-husband, who died in June 2004, comes and spends time with me, and answers my questions. These dreams are very real.

I know that those we love are never truly gone, but stay around us and watch out for us.

Ann

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Korina,

Oh honey I so believe that they are still right here with us. Not only have I had many dreams and signs since David passed but think about it. We know our loved ones are in heaven because they all had huge hearts, which is apparent by all of us still loving and missing them. It would not be heaven to them if they weren't able to still be with us and watch over us!

Hugs,

Phyllis

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Thanks all for the beautiful experiences and encouragement. I will continue to look for signs (and hopefully some wonderful dreams).

And thank you, Boo (I am up late PST - I have family on both sides coming in tomorrow for the memorial this weekend, and just am finishing up a couple of things). I am definitlely getting jittery - I don't mind crying in front of everyone, but I don't want to fall apart completely.

Korina

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I've been praying for some sort of sign that my husband is Ok and that he understands why I had to take him off life support (as I still feel so guilty). There was one time in recent months that I can think of where I reached over in the bed and felt him there, and I could see him and he held my hand. I got out of the bed because I was so shocked, and turned the light on and he was gone. I keep telling myself it was a dream, but it felt too real. I could literally feel his hand. It's hard to explain and sounds bizarre, but it's what happened. I keep looking in mirrors hoping I'll catch a glimpse of him. I have no idea why I do that or why mirrors all of the sudden having some sort of meaning to me. He used mirrors a lot for lighting...maybe that's why.

Just my thoughts.

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NotCoping, I often speak to Cliff whilst looking in the mirror. It took a while to notice that I was doing it ... and then longer for me to wonder why I was doing it ... I think I do it because looking at a face while talking helps, because I was used to looking at his face after all. And it's almost as if I see his face, not mine when I do this ... perhaps because we are soulmates? I don't know.

I keep looking in mirrors hoping I'll catch a glimpse of him. I have no idea why I do that or why mirrors all of the sudden having some sort of meaning to me. He used mirrors a lot for lighting...maybe that's why.

Just my thoughts.

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I thought you were up very late or early!

Sorry, I just realized that my words were easy to misinterpret. When I said "keep it inside you" I meant my strength NOT your tears.

xx

Not to worry, Boo, I knew exactly what you meant!

Many thanks, again.

Korina

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Not Coping:

What a great dream! Scott often slept on my right arm, and liked to put his head on my chest and listen to my heart. One morning I woke up and my right arm felt like something was lying on it....now it may have been the cat, as I was pretty sleepy, but all the same....

And I feel guilty, as well, more about not being better at being more productive in helping Scott address his problem with alcohol, and of not asking more questions at the hospital - essentially, for not saving him. How could I have failed in such an important task? But also, I do have guilt about discontinuing his life support. What was he thinking as we turned off the medication (they say the hearing is the last to go)... But, he passed so quickly after life support was discontinued, which I believe (hope) is evidence that there was no way his body could recover from the infection that basically shut down his whole body. I am trying not to dwell on all these feelings, but it still happens a lot. I have started with a counselor, which I hope will also help me to get through it all.

In the meantime, I will continue to pray both to Scott and God to give me some kind of a sign. (Just tonight, my sister-in-law, who looks so much like Scott, was holding our baby daughter, who was looking back at her with such happiness and love. While it broke my heart, it also made me think that she saw her daddy in the eyes of my sister-in-law).

Sigh, tears, and love,

Korina

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Hi, everyone:

This will be short as I am quite tired, and I have an early car appointment tomorrow. I believe the memorial went very well, yesterday. The chaplain, who had only known Scott a couple of weeks, was amazing. He was with Scott, myself and Scott's sister & aunt for the last 3 days in the hospital. Quite literally, I don't know if I could have gotten through those 3 days without him. He was the chaplain from the treatment centre. And all of the speakers were wonderful. I got through mine without totally losing it. And, in fact, I know Scott was with me. At one point in my tribute, I was starting to break down, when suddenly a bell on a passing tour bus rang, breaking the tension. I say "Hey, Scott", without even really thinking about it, and everyone laughed. The speaker before me had just pointed out the Scott's timing was always impeccable. It truly was/is. And our friend sang a solo ("It's A Wonderful World"). Just after she began, she was sure she wasn't going to be able to get through the song. So she asked Scott to give her strength, and she said that she felt the strength in her centre, and continued on - beautifully, I might add.

So sad, but the words everyone had were so Scott, and really did him justice. I miss him with all my heart.er4

Love to all you whose support also gave me strength.

Korina

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Well done Korina, I am so proud of you because I know that I could not have done that. WOW!!!! In months to come you will gain comfort from the fact that you did this for Scott. I know that it helped me a lot because I wrote the Eulogy for Cliff. Again, a huge well done.

xx

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