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Please Somebody Help An Old Southern Girl

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Guys, I just sent this email to my husbands friend in Los Angeles who is having the "Memorial" on the 12th. If I could get there I would.

"I was just using the same photo that you sent out on the 5th for a piece I'm doing for Bob's birthday party. You DO know __ that if you go through with this, you are going against my wishes and Bob's? I know you guys were friends, but Bob was VERY clear, and when you ignored me when I said to cc me in on everything you sent and you didn't, you violated his trust and mine. By all means, proceed, but please note, that Bob nor I wanted this. Bob specifically wanted his son ____, to step up for this, and I've made that very clear. I gave ????? every opportunity, even allowing him to take some of Bob's ashes, and he has not followed through, so if you do this thing on Sat., you giving him permission not to follow his father's wishes.

I do not take this lightly. Bob was my world, and you can either proceed and have your ten guys a "not so memorial" beer (by the way, I've gotten all the email....uh...you don't invite NYC people to a local party...IT IS A MEMORIAL...we don't lie so well in the South) or you can step up and call this thing off.

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I also don't understand their exclusion of you, that's very strange. Personally, I'd ignore the whole thing, but that's just me. You need to deal with it whatever way you think best. You've already said your piece so they know it's against Bob's wishes...why they'd go forward with it is beyond me. I'm sorry, good luck!

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Southern Girl,

My loss is very recent and I can already see that people just do not act in the manner that you expect them to. And I am talking brother, sisters and son of my husband.

So for some friend of your husband's to act in this manner (against your wishes) I guess does not surprise me. But it hurts me, because it hurts you. As I know I have been hurt alread.

The lack of consideration I have seen already from family members is just astounding to me. Some people who have no tact whatsoever. That I can tell you.

Keep your head up. Do your best to ignore these folks in their indiscretions. God help them, someday they will be in our position, and then they will know. Probably not until then, though.

My condolences to you for your loss.

Take care,


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I'm proud of you for speaking your mind to this group and it is disappointing to think his own son wouldn't honor his father and you. I do think, however, that while the intent of a memorial is to honor the deceased, it is more an occasion to publicly support those left behind. That said, they were wrong to not include you and at least find a way for you to attend.

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IT IS very frustrating when someone goes against your wishes, and those your partner had wanted. Good for you on speaking up about it, its just too bad that you actually had to. I am sorry for that.

I know for me it was hard to let go of people doing things against my wishes (and those I know my partner would have wanted). My partner grew up in one place, loved it and being in the outdoors, then his parents had his ashes buried in another (because his mother hated the place they lived, even though they still live there). It went against everything I thought was right, and it still angers me, but there was nothing I could do to change their mind, so I gave up. Though it still really angers me, I think it reduced my anxiety more than fighting about it, because what's more important is what's in your heart.

Take care, and I hope things work out for the best.

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