Is It Grief Or?

[cubby]

I feel like I'm just about to lose my mind.It has been 10 months since my mom passed so I'm not sure if this has to do with my grief or if I'm severely depressed or could it be something else? I feel like I hate everything. Nothing brings any pleasure or happiness.I am always tired, sleepy and would rather just sit here at home. I have a good husband, but he hasn't been able to help me.I think it frustrates him that I can't just shake these feelings. I'm really scared of some of my thoughts. I feel like I've just lost all control of my life. My husband keeps telling me that I have so many things to be thankful for, but that doesn't make me feel better. It really makes it worse, because I can't overcome these feelings.I was previously on anti-depressants and they really messed with my head, so I don't want to go through that again. BUT I really must do something because life is not what it should be at this time. I really don't know why I'm posting other than I'm trying to get my thoughts out. I'm really afraid that I'm losing my mind. I continue to miss my mom, and it feels as if I just lost her but I can't get a grip on things. Is this my grief or am I just losing my mind?

Cubby

[PaulaB.]

Hi Cubby,

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mom. I'm only three months into my grief after losing my fiance Tom. It was really rough in the beginning and now I seem to be on some kind of plateau. I don't know how long this "plateau" will last. Maybe it's because it's going to take all of my strength to spread his ashes on Saturday. There is no wrong or right way for us to grieve; that I believe with all of my heart. We all have to go through this process and it takes time. But your time line is your own. I'm sure there will be days when it sneaks up on me as it has in the past, but I know that I will be a little bit stronger than before. Maybe not a lot stronger, but a little bit. That's all that matters. You have lost your Mom in the physical sense, but not in the spiritual sense. She will be forever with you that way. Maybe doing something for your Mom might help you? Something she always wanted to do, but didn't. Maybe you could do it for her in her memory and it may provide the strength that you seek from your Mom. One thing that Tom wanted me to do was to be OK. I'm trying; some days are better than others. Paula

[DeeGee]

Hi cubby,

I am certainly no doctor, but I am a person who has suffered from clinical depression. Yes, some of the things you are describing are symptoms of clinical depresssion -specifically, the not finding pleasure in anything, the inertia, the altered sleep patterns, and the "thoughts that scare you".

I have been told that sometimes the loss of a loved one can trigger an episode of clinical depresssion. So I am being closely monitored by my doctor at this time (4 weeks after the death of my husband). My doctor has increased the dosage of the antidepressant medication, Zoloft, that I take as a precautionary measure.

Have you seen a doctor and talked about how you are feeling? And if you have, did the doctor pay attention to what you were saying? Some family physicians are very attuned to diagnosing clinical depression and others are not so much. In that case, I would suggest you call a local community or university sponsored mental health center. Or if you don't have the wherewithal right now to call yourself, perhaps your husband could do the calling and take you for an appointment.

Clinical depresssion is nothing to be ashamed of, but it is also something not to be ignored. Folks who have never experienced it don't really understand the suffering involved. And I can tell you that while "counting your blessings" is a wonderful thing to do, it never brought me out of a depresssion. Nor did telling myself that I needed to "snap out of this". Counseling and medication helped me immensely.

I wish you the best with this. And if you aren't, in fact, suffering from a clinical depression, then you will know one way or the other if you go see a doctor about this at this time.

Take care of yourself,

DeeGee

[Kavish]

Hi Cubby,

I think it is just that you miss your mom so much. Just encourage yourself to do little things, baby steps, and take your time. Be with some caring people like your husband and talk out your feelings. It is in your heart that hurts most of all and you have to help it heal of its grief. It does not mean you will forget your mom any more or love her any less.

Kavish

[Rachael_NI]

Hi Cubby

I agree with DeeGee, counting your blessings and telling your self to snap out of it does not work!

I have much compassion for you as I too have lost my mum and do not have any friends around in the same situation, so its hard to get support. Thats why this board is a blessing, so many people here know the limitless range of emotions and behaviours that we can have in response to grief, so you won't feel so alone or like you are weird or going crazy or something. People here can tell you that it IS normal to feel how you do and that its OK. I think counselling really helps as it gives you a chance to talk about how you feel and space to come to terms with it all without judging yourself for what you are/aren't feeling or doing.

Perhaps your husband sees you suffereing and feels rather helpless that he can't do anything to help you, so his suggestions are all he knows to say to you right now. No-one can take our pain away, and people dont know what to say to us to make it all better, because they can't really, its what we have to go through ourselves, but we can lean on others for support.

Do use this board to connect with others on what you are going through and consider seeing a counsellor. My life is slowly but surely transforming through my counselling journey, and although it has been very hard it is worth it all just to see the small changes happening and regaining hope that life can be happy again, and although it may be a bit more turbulent at times facing all the grief head-on, its better than sitting on it and staying in a depression.

Please allow yourself to find the support that you need. And most importantly - be kind and gentle with yourself. Try to do things for yourself that you would want to do for others in this situation, and perhaps consider letting your husband/family/friends know what they can do to support you at this time too, as they are not psychic [even though we wish they could be!].

Blessings to you,

Rachael.

[cubby]

Thank you All (deegee,rachel and kavish) for responding. I'm still not having any good days. I've tried everything but I still feel so down and tired. I've visited the cemetery every day this week so that I could talk with my mom. I do wish I could hear her response to me.I need her so much. She was my best friend and I could tell her everything. I'm afaid that I will forget the sound of her voice. I look at her pictures often as I do not want to forget her.

On top of all my feelings, my dad called today to tell me that his sister (my aunt) who lives about 500 miles away passed away on Wed. night. Her son found her in her bedroom. No one knows how long she had been gone before he found her. We don't know anything yet as arrangements have not been made. It just seems to keep falling all around me. I don't feel that I have a chance. I can't seem to get over one mountain, before another is in front of me.How do other people keep going? I've forgotten what it feels like to have fun and be happy. Will it ever return? Everyone says that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I'm not so sure about that. I'm not sure I can handle all of this.

I had been attending a grief support group once a month but I haven't been able to attend for the last couple of months. Not sure if there is any other grief counseling available in my area. My husband wants me to see my doctor and see if he thinks I need to try antidepressants again. I'm afraid to take them again. I took Lexapro for a while before my mom passed and continued for approximately 3 months after her death. My doctor had suggested weaning off then by gradually taking less each day. Then I started having bad thoughts, it really messed with my head.I finally just quit taking them. I thought I was doing okay until the end of July. Then it just seemed to turn back to being down and out. I haven't been back to my doctor since right after my mom's death. It is close to time for my annual checkup, but my husband wants me to see the doctor now and not wait for my annual checkup. I guess he has been patient and kind and I have been extremely irritable and tired. I'm sure it isn't much fun to be around me. I just don't have the desire to do anything. He tries to understand, but I don't think he really does.

Thank you all for your support. I know the next few days are going to be difficult. I just don't want to attend another funeral. Thanks for letting me ramble.....

Cubby

[MartyT]

Cubby, dear, I'm so sorry about your aunt -- enough already! I think you'd be wise to follow your husband's advice, and see your doctor sooner rather than later. If you don't take good care of you, Cubby, who will?