Sorrow

[LindaKoz]

So last night I noticed this shift in what I am feeling. Before when I would cry there was anguish and screaming. Now there just seems to be this pervasive sadness when I cry. My thoughts have also shifted from feeling intensely for my own loss toward feeling that Brian has been cheated. Maybe it is because I spent a good bit of the weekend with his children and grandchildren. Maybe it's just part of my journey. I just keep remembering how much Brian loved bein alive. How full of life he was until he got sick (four days before he died). I remember all that he wanted to do . . . that we wanted to do together. I don't know how I am going to live without him.

A memory which runs through my mind is that we used to like to go to a park near our home. We would take a blanket, a camping chair, my books, and his guitar. I would lay in the sun and try to study while he would sit in the camping chair and play guitar. It was so peaceful. We would sit by a stream and Brian would watch for falcons, hawks, and herons. He would strum his guitar or sing beautiful songs. Sometimes I would talk him into taking a walk with me (it's not that he didn't like to walk but as a letter carrier that was part of his job). All the time he would "complain" about having to hike back up the hill to our car. I want one more day in that park with Brian. I want to hear him play guitar and sing to me. I want one more chance to see his smile, to hear his voice, to feel him touch me. I love him so much. Who am I now? How can I go on?

Guess it's going to be a bad day. Nothing seems to be able to distract me or stop the tears from flowing.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[mrspapajohn]

Linda - - You just described my early days to a T. The hurt, the longing, the impossible pain. I am so sorry that you lost Brian. This kind of loss is so hard to bear - - but we do. We keep going on and though we can't picture life without the one we love, we still go on. I know it's different for everyone, but it seems that eventually our emotions are on the inside. We cry less, scream less, but the sadness remains. At some point, we actually feel the presence of our love in everything we do. Eventually we start talking to him. Eventually, the mention of his name makes us smile. Eventually we laugh.

Peace and ((hugs))

Kathy

[LindaKoz]

Thanks, Kathy. I do talk to Brian all of the time. Mostly I keep asking him how this could have happened to us when we were so happy. I also write letters. Sometimes it just helps to get the thoughts out of my brain. But the thoughts keep coming back. It wish I could turn off my thoughts for just a few hours. I wish anything could ease the pain that I feel -- but nothing really works. Why does it have to hurt so much? Why do we have to walk this grief journey? Why did he have to die??? The rational part of me understands that there are no answers. But the grieving me keeps thinking if I get answers then all will be well. But, all will never be well again in the same sense that it was before. September 23, 2009 will always define a fragmenting of my soul--the essence of who I am. I just hope that a day does eventually come when I can begin to feel healing or some sort of wholeness. For today, I feel torn apart. I also notice that I get annoyed easily, especially when I hear people complaining about things which truly don't matter. Or, when people take life, love, and beauty for granted.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Kat2005]

Linda,

I know exactly how you feel. Although it has been 4 months since my husband died I still get mad. I get jealous when I go somewhere and I see couples holding hands, laughing. It takes me back to the times when we were like that. I know I have been told that one day my memories will make me smile. They only brings tears right now because I am still wishing for everything to be the way was. Hopefully time will help me understand that I need to focus on the now and not the past. My journaling does help but tears come when I am doing that also.

Knowing that I am not on this journey alone helps. We will help each other get through this.

Kat

[Rochel]

I feel so bad for all 3 of us and many of the others...I too feel cheated when I look at other couples...I have learned pretty early in this grieving who to be around and who not to be around and what calls I really want to take...just talking takes a lot out of me and if who I am talking with starts with their problems, I listen for awhile but excuse myself and get off the phone...Most of my close friends do not do that to me..I have a large support system, also my daughter who is wonderful...Just yesterday, we went to the Sate Fair..took my mind off of things for the day...then when she dropped me off and just my Cocker greeted me, I felt lonely and you know the drill...hurry up and get busy with something..mostly it is visiting here...which makes me cry a lot of the time too....I'm still taking care of all the switching over our names to just mine, and that is very painful...Yes, I have also thought how could I get thru this and I miss the kisses, hugs and let's face it, the sex...The female part of this is screaming out....When will this pain end..I'm with you Linda and Kat, it is unbearable sometimes and the empty pit in the stomach is very difficult too...That happens with a wiff of the aftershave, his clothes, looking at our wedding rings, looking at our photos and many other thousands of things during the day...Today is my first attendance at a grief group...I hope it will be good for me and not a mistake...Bless you gals...I'm with you and in your corners....Rochel

[LindaKoz]

Thanks Rochel, Kat & Kathy. I hate that we are all going through this but I am thankful for the support. I, too, find I am so attracted to looking at Brian's pictures, listening to recordings of his songs, and the video of a recent interview. But then I cry because I just miss his very presence and these objects cannot take away the pain. This pain could only subside if Brian were to come back to me. Of course, some days are better than others and in honesty they are the days when I am with friends or out doing something. Today I didn't feel good physically and stayed home from work. I alternate between checking this site, looking at Brian's pics, reading for school, watching mindless tv and sleeping. None of these are very productive or distracting and I have been crying a lot. Soon I have to get ready to go to class. It would be nice to just skip it but the lecture is on the Book of Romans and I need to be present. Also, I am hopeful that I will feel a bit better with my classmates (many of whom are my friends). Thanks again for the unending support. It helps.

Hugs to you all from Pennsylvania.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Rochel]

Hi Linda,

You have inspired me to read the Book of Romans...I do notice that when I read the Bible or my Devotionals I feel better...Mindless tv can only go so far...I need to do something like a class or Bible Study...Maybe when I move to my moms in California...Sleeping is good until you wake up and it starts all over again...I pray that I can dream of my Bob...I just want to see how he looks now..of course, don't we all....I enjoy your sharing....keep coming here to release the pain in your heart...Rochel

[LindaKoz]

Rochel,

There is a passage in Romans which I'm focusing on for my interpretive essay (8:26-39). It starts like this:

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very

Spirit intercedes with sighs too deep for words. And God, who searches the heart, knows what is the mind

of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.

As I was doing some research, I found that sometimes our suffering or grief are so deep that we cannot even find the words to pray to God. In our sighs or our groans, the Spirit will intercede and find what our soul is trying to say. And, the heart-searching God will know what we seek because of the Spirit's action. I found this to be particularly helpful because sometimes I feel so much pain and I cry without ceasing and I cannot even verabalize to God what I am feeling. But, I know that the Spirit understands my needs and God will search my heart. Together God and the Spirit will come to me in comfort.

The passage ends by stating that nothing will be able to seperate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Again,words of comfort for me as I struggle with this loss which is so fresh and so deep.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[Korina]

Last night, I watched a couple of videos on facebook a couple of friends put together in his memory. The photos are wonderful, but I fell apart completely.

However, today I truly enjoyed myself shopping for baby clothes (got some great deals at The Gap). The roller coaster of emotions.

I feel him in my thoughts all the time. I miss him terribly.

Korina

[LindaKoz]

Hi Korina,

I understand the roller coaster. There are so many triggers which start the crying. Last night when I was coming home from class, it occurred to me that there is really no facet of my life in which Brian was uninvolved. Even though I went to class alone, I would call him on my cell while driving home. He would usually ask me about class and then ask what I wanted to eat for dinner when I got home . . . and then he would have something ready for me. I guess this is why I usually cry on the way home. There is just no place that I can escape the flood of memories.

I'm glad to hear that you had a good time shopping for your little baby. It must be comforting to have her with you. Hold her close and share all of your wonderful memories of you Dad.

Huges from Pennsylvania.

Peace, love, and blessings,

Linda

[valley]

Linda,

I Know just what you mean when you talk about how much Brian loved life and wanted to live and how cheated you feel for him. That was one of the major heartbreaks I have felt through this whole process of grief. I am not even sure if grief is a process or a state of being. I like to think process.

My partner was also super involved in my life, and me with him. And he had such energy and zest for life, that i still cannot imagine he is not hiding somewhere, ready to jump out and surprise me. Yet intellectually I know this not to be true. More than the sorrow I feel for myself, is the sorrow I feel for Tom to have had his life shortened by cancer. It caught both of us by surprise, as I am sure it does everyone. We were on a six month battle for his life and we lost. And I ache for the many experiences and adventures that we had planned together. I ache that he cannot fulfill even more of his dreams.

I hope this day is better for you.

Valley

[derby]

Thank you for sharing that section of Romans with us. I read it at just the right time. The words are powerful and comforting all at the same time. Bless you Linda. Debbie

[kayc]

I'm sorry. I have the same memories, they used to plague me. Now I just figure he's in a better place and lucky him...I wish I could see him for just one minute, but then, that would never be enough, would it?